Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Oh yeah, they're probably not the healthiest but they are so tasty LaMa.
- Yeah, it's a great playlist Cate, if you search for it, it should come up. Loads of Sinatra and Perry Como and all those kinds of guys on there. Really uplifting music actually.

I have officially been off cigarettes for 12h 18m 51s and counting. My pulse rate and oxygen levels have returned to normal. I made a promise to myself last night that I will stay off them for one week as a starting point and see how I feel next Sunday. That is more palatable for me then vowing to never smoke again. So far, so good. Not many cravings so far.

I've had a pleasant enough Sunday so far. I did a bit of pampering - had a shower, applied a lovely oatmeal face mask which felt amazing on my skin, applied a bit of hair removal cream as I noticed a few unsightly hairs had sprouted up, and gave my teeth a very thorough brushing and flossing, which is something I am completely lax at, which is ridiculous considering I've been smoking so much. I feel a lot better for all this self-care.

I bought some eggs and bread this morning in the shop and made some scrambled eggs with peppers and feta cheese on some toast for breakfast. Yum yum. I made myself a giant coffee and bought the Sunday papers, so that's been what I've been doing aside from beautifying myself. I don't normally buy the paper but I'm finding it an enjoyable way of spending a few hours today.

It's raining today so I probably won't get out for a walk but regardless of the weather, I will go for my run in the morning and start the week off well.

And just for fun, I might do a rundown of the stuff I'm reading/watching/listening to on a Sunday. I like to pretend I'm a columnist working for a newspaper sometimes, and they do this kind of thing.

Currently reading: Staring at Lakes by Michael Harding. I've only read maybe 10 pages so far, but it's good. It's a meditation on life, depression, finding yourself, etc. so I think it will be very interesting.
Currently watching: Westworld, season 2. It's keeping me going in the evenings, I have to say.
Currently listening to: This was on the soundtrack to a terrible film I watched during the week, Paradise Hills, and I am obsessed. I love this kind of music.

 
Emilyrose said:
I have officially been off cigarettes for 12h 18m 51s and counting. My pulse rate and oxygen levels have returned to normal. I made a promise to myself last night that I will stay off them for one week as a starting point and see how I feel next Sunday. That is more palatable for me then vowing to never smoke again. So far, so good. Not many cravings so far.
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Excellent!
Emilyrose said:
I bought some eggs and bread this morning in the shop and made some scrambled eggs with peppers and feta cheese on some toast for breakfast. Yum yum.
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Sounds delicious. Now I want feta cheese for my dinner :p
 
G & I just had a bit of a listen to the Italian cooking music, Em. I'll play it next time we're both up there pottering about. Volare, oh, oh, oh, oh.....

Emilyrose said:
I have officially been off cigarettes for 12h 18m 51s and counting. My pulse rate and oxygen levels have returned to normal. I made a promise to myself last night that I will stay off them for one week as a starting point and see how I feel next Sunday. That is more palatable for me then vowing to never smoke again. So far, so good. Not many cravings so far.
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Excellent news! Woot! Go, Em :D
 
Hey Emily, I am impressed by how positive you sound in the midst of this mess!

Good news on the cigarettes, I hope you can stay off of them, its an evil habit. I am lucky I never started and have never smoked cigarettes, I do have an occasional cigar, had one last night, my third since Christmas.

I liked the first 2 seasons of Westworld, but am having trouble getting into the third, it's very different. When I was a kid there was a kind of Florida tourist trap called Six Gun Territory. Whoever did the Westworld show had to have visited the place. You got on a train, it went around a fake mountain and you got off in a western town that looked an awful lot like the one in Westworld. The place is long closed. Six Gun Territory - Wikipedia

Good luck with the cigarettes, and let us know how it goes.
 
Em I too will listen to that soundtrack . I have now substituted music for radio and tv into the kitchen because it’s so relaxin .
Well done on the cigarettes and your overall positivity.
 
Emilyrose said:
...scrambled eggs with peppers and feta cheese on some toast for breakfast. Yum yum.
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That sounds exactly the sort of breakfast I'd like! Yum indeed! And I love to hear of the pampering and beautifying. :) It's all part of the same self-care (as is the cigarette-ditching - I hope it's a brilliant week!)
Thanks for the music link - she's a new singer to me - a bit reminiscent, vocally, of early Leonard Cohen.. or Bob Dylan?
 
- Yeah, it was a good start to my Sunday LaMa.
- Love that song Cate.
- That Six Gun Territory place sounds unbelievably cool Rob. I have 2 episodes of season 2 to go, I really enjoyed the one I watched last night. It was the backstory of the Ghost Nation guy, really good. The show reminds me a lot of Lost actually.
- Thanks Petal, I'm trying.
- Yeah, I love that dark, folky stuff Amy.

Well, I bought cigarettes yesterday, but I am back on the trying to quit train again today. We're up to 16h 42m now. I do feel I am close to crumbling though. I seem to be able to do one day, but then the next morning, I just desperately want one. Agh. Anyway, let's try to keep it up for the rest of the day at least.

I found one of my detox books at home, just brought it in out of the car earlier. It has loads of really nutritious recipes in it that you know are so good for you, but are not ridiculously complicated to make either. I've devised my shopping list and I want to go to the supermarket soon, but I hate queuing so I am not sure what the best time is to go, and my car is also giving me trouble again, so I want to make sure that I'll make it down and back without it conking out/exploding. I've booked it in with the garage guy for tomorrow. He said he could only look at it if it was an emergency. I told him that in my view, it's definitely an emergency, lol. It's bad enough being grounded without even being able to enjoy my one freedom, which is the daily shop! Dear God!

The day went fast enough, I'm getting used to this working from home malarkey. The trick is to not overexert yourself and not feel guilty for reducing your productivity. This is not my fault, I keep telling myself. If I have less to do, then it's okay to do less. It's not easy for me, I have to say. But I know I will be working my butt off when I go back, and I've worked hard for them for the last couple of years, so it's cool. Okay. Enough of that.

Another beautiful evening here. Not sure what my plan is, but the shopping is the main thing. I'll figure the rest of it out. Might make a toasted cheese now, yum yum.
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm getting used to this working from home malarkey. The trick is to not overexert yourself and not feel guilty for reducing your productivity. This is not my fault, I keep telling myself. If I have less to do, then it's okay to do less.
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Sounds sensible, even if it´s hard. Hope your car gets fixed for not too much money!
 
It's funny how I feel I'm working way harder from home . I find it very intense but also feel I'm getting lots done.
Hope the cigarettes cravings ease Em and it sounds like you are going to make some good detox meals for yourself.
 
Good attitude with work - it is so easy to burn out from working from home! After all, you're not distracted with meetings, tea rounds etc so you will naturally have less to do in the day.
 
- 50 euro LaMa. Delighted.
- I think it's just the nature of the job I'm in Petal. I'm struggling with the smokes but I feel I am getting there.
- Yeah, I think so DA. I've just decided that I'm taking it easy this week, to be honest. We're going through a global pandemic, it's understandable. And I am at hand if they need anything done, I'm just not proactively trying to find work at this stage.

Had a good day today. Got my car fixed with minimal effort. Drove up at lunchtime, sounding like a boy racer. The Polish man in the garage said it wasn't a big job and he would ring me later that day. The garage was about 30 minutes from home, walked back in the glorious sunshine. It was a really lovely day. Loads of people were wearing shorts and t-shirts, even though it was probably 15 degrees at peak. Lol.

Did a bit more work, the garage man rang about 3pm and I said I would walk back up after work. Collected the car, delighted to have it back, and at a relatively minimal cost.

Ate pretty well today, made an amazing tomato risotto for lunch that took about an hour between prep, cooking and eating. Not the kind of luxury you have when you are in the office. However, I was going to try to follow the eating plan in the recipe book I have, and I realised that the level of cooking involved is too stressful for me. There's only so much chopping of vegetables I can do per day. So I will try to cook one healthy dinner a day and simplify the lunches a bit so I have time for a nice walk and I am not stressed trying to pack it all in.

The thought came into my head today that the person you are before this pandemic occurred is exactly the person you will be while it's going on. If I'm being honest, it hasn't made too much of an impact on my life really. Yeah, I can't go out, but that's really about it. I still feel the exact same sense of happiness/sadness/unease/frustration/contentment that I do on an ordinary day. I've had lots of transitional times like this before where everything was on hold and I wasn't sure when I'd be working again or what was going to happen in my life, and I don't feel more or less upbeat because of it.

I guess my point is that if you are a glass half empty or half full person, that is what you are going to bring to the table when things are uncertain. It is very hard to change a person's core values and drives and who they are. Even a pandemic won't do it, in my view. We all know we could die any day, at any moment - at particularly anxious times, I have lain in bed and thought - 'A bomb could go off right now over my head and I could be killed, and there's nothing I can do about it.' So, I guess maybe all the 'think pieces' on how this will change our world and change our mindsets is probably all a load of crap. I don't know really. I don't want that to be a negative thing, I just think real change is a huge battle and is more of an internal than a social one. I think if you change internally (if you need to), you can really make an impact.
 
Good news about getting your car fixed at a reasonable rate, Em.

I think you are probably right about people not fundamentally changing who they are. I don't think we really change much from the person we were in our early days. We might change our behaviour, but deep down we are that same person. I am going to try to make more of an effort to stay connected to my old friends. I have always been the one who made more of an effort to do that & that's ok.
I love philosophy & really enjoy your insights, Em xoxo
 
100% agreed about the pandemic not really changing people. At best it´ll point some little things out to us we might change. As usual the poor will get poorer, the rich won´t really notice, and most of us will gain a bit of weight.
 
Glad the car got fixed Em and you managed 2 walks too. The cooking is a lot at the moment I am looking forward to a lunch out with friends when this is over.

Also agree we will all be the same person after this but I hope to chill a bit more.
Agree with LaMa sentiments too unfortunately, I can already see the profiteers from this . Weight gain yes also but hope to maintain at best and also more people drinking at home .
 
- Yeah, I love a bit of philosophy Cate, thank you.
- Definitely think I've gained LaMa, disaster.
- I think total change is hard, but little changes are possible, and all add up Petal. I hope you will be able to relax more after this.

Watched a fantastic film tonight, Tully, about the struggles of motherhood, of which I know nothing about, but can only envisage to be a minor hell for a short period of time. The lack of sleep aspect is worse to me than any horror film. It's also a film about coming to terms with who you thought you would be and who you actually are. I highly recommend it. Charlize Theron is a great actress.

I was also thinking of using a little Charlize Theron magic to get me back on track. So, I've just wrapped Tully, today was the last day of filming. I had a few glasses of wine to celebrate the whole thing. But I have another film on the horizon in 3 months time, and I need to be back to super-svelte Charlize by then. What do I do to get there? I'm sure the real Charlize cuts carbs and eats about 1000 calories a day, plus runs about 5 miles a day, in order to drop the weight quickly. How you get there is easy to recognise. But realistically for me, I need to figure out what I can do, so that in 3 months time, I feel more like Bombshell Charlize than Monster Charlize. Anyway, it's just a little thought experiment I have going on today.

I did a great job today in work, had to put up with an irritating phone call, but after a quick moan to my mother, I rose to the challenge, and I left things in a good place. I have now 4 blissful days of freedom, in as much as being allowed to go within 2 km of your home is freedom. But I feel pretty good.

I think I'm actually going to turn off my phone for the majority of the weekend and be a bit stricter with screentime on my laptop. One episode of a show or one movie per day. When did I start saying movie instead of film? Agh, America. I'm going to try to read a lot more this weekend and really get back into running and doing my yoga videos. Which is a little bit of screentime, but allowed.

I think we might only have another 2 weeks of lockdown and things will start opening back up inch by inch. That's not so bad.

I ordered loads of stuff online at the weekend, it all arrived today. Got some lovely New Balance runners, new jeans that fit! which I was worried about, and a new dress that does not, but is the goal I am working towards. It was kind of exciting to get a massive box of stuff in the post. I'm still managing to way overspend, even though I can't go anywhere, which is a disaster. The more I have of it, the more I want to get rid of it. It's a weird thing. Sometimes I think it's healthier for me to have a bit less. But anyway.

I think one fantastic aspect of all this downtime is that my creative brain is wide awake again. I am loving all the writing I'm doing - here, for work and for the drama group. I wrote a little short story for the group with the idea of turning it into a play, and I read it aloud at our meeting earlier in the week. People were really laughing. It was a great feeling. This is definitely one of my talents, and it's so cool to be able to use it and have a bit more focus, because I'm not spending so much time worrying about what that person said to me or how fat I look in that top.

Starting again with quitting the smokes tomorrow. I have 4 days of nothingness ahead, so it's a good time to try once more.

Take care all, you are all lovely people. LaMa, I know you are struggling a bit right now, but we all struggle. It doesn't mean you're not great, you are. Don't forget that for one second hon.

And now, a tune. I can't imagine the amount of shit Mama Cass got in the 60s for being an overweight woman in the music industry, I think I read a bit of her story and it was mostly super-depressing, but she was seriously talented and I really hope she believed what she sings about here:

 
Thank you so much for sharing that song, Em. Mama Cass was brilliant. "Say nightie nightie & kiss me, just hold me tight & tell me you'll miss me"....
I would love to read your play. If you were interested in sharing it with me privately I would be honoured. If you weren't that is ok too. I keep my lives fairly separate & respect people's privacy. I love being able to share in yours & my other forum friends lives. I am very lucky.
 
Hey Emily, I always enjoy your informative posts, very well written.

I'm pulling for you in your battle with cigarettes, I know its hard. I had an uncle you used to say it wasn't too bad quitting, the first 30 years were the hardest. Hope that's not true for you!

Mama Cass is certainly one of my favorites, and you are right I bet she had a lot to deal with being overweight in a business that values perfect looks above most everything else. One of my favorite Mama Cass songs
 
Emilyrose said:
I was also thinking of using a little Charlize Theron magic to get me back on track. So, I've just wrapped Tully, today was the last day of filming. I had a few glasses of wine to celebrate the whole thing. But I have another film on the horizon in 3 months time, and I need to be back to super-svelte Charlize by then. What do I do to get there? I'm sure the real Charlize cuts carbs and eats about 1000 calories a day, plus runs about 5 miles a day, in order to drop the weight quickly. How you get there is easy to recognise. But realistically for me, I need to figure out what I can do, so that in 3 months time, I feel more like Bombshell Charlize than Monster Charlize. Anyway, it's just a little thought experiment I have going on today.
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:) I like that. I guess I´d be more likely to go for Pink than for Charlize Theron, but still.
Emilyrose said:
I'm still managing to way overspend, even though I can't go anywhere, which is a disaster. The more I have of it, the more I want to get rid of it. It's a weird thing.
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It´s always the same, isn´t it? Either you have money to spend but no time to spend it or you have time but no money. Right now is probably a dangerous time for internet shoppers.
Emilyrose said:
Take care all, you are all lovely people. LaMa, I know you are struggling a bit right now, but we all struggle. It doesn't mean you're not great, you are. Don't forget that for one second hon.
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Thanks, Em :grouphug: I´ll try. Waking up my creative brain would definitely help here as well.
 
Em I could read your writing all day . I have said it before you should blog or write a column . You have a great humourous way of writing that really pulls you in .
Yay for Easter break I am so ready for it as are you .
I think it’s been good for you not working with people for a while . It’s a change and a change is as good as a rest . Daughter and I are going to do a little online shopping on ASOS later I think .
I love new balance runners that’s what I wear although I like to try on as I have funny feet .

have a great Easter . Hope your parents are doing well .
 
- Hey Cate. It's only a 3-page short story stage at this point. I can send that on to you if you'd like? You can send your email through the private messenger.
- Such a stunning song Rob. Her voice was so beautiful.
- Looking forward to hearing where your creative brain takes you LaMa!
- That's such a lovely compliment Petal, thank you. I really appreciate your support, you're a fantastic person, it really shines through. Let me know how the shopping goes and happy Easter.

Just to follow on from Petal's question - my parents are doing fantastically well, which is great for me. My housemate told me this morning that she was talking to her mum last night and she's finding the whole thing very difficult. I think when my mum does get upset about it (and she has), it really gets to me. My dad is cool as a breeze about the whole thing, lol. We are definitely on the same wavelength about a lot of things. All my creativity and humour come from him - he is such an oddball, lol. And my mum is the one that is the natural nurturer and carer and is a real people person. She really takes care of us. I am too selfish to be a nurse. But I have always loved psychology/psychiatry, so that's the side of medicine I would like, but that is more studying people and prescribing (which is against everything I believe in - I hate drugs), rather than the actual work of caring for people - washing them, changing their dressing, turning them, being there for the family, etc. That is real care, and not from a distant, inaccessible view.

Anyway, wow, I have not talked to enough people today, haha. Today was a boring, miserable fucking day. My weight is just under 13 stone, disaster, but my body fat hasn't gone up, so I think a few days of not eating pizza should help. To be honest, I feel really good today and the sun has made my face glow and all that nice stuff.

Got a few nice messages the last few days from friends from the drama group and from my first job after college. Another friend I haven't heard from in months also texted me. I am the worst for keeping in contact with people. My parents cleaned out our spare room to set up my desk before I set up in my rented house, and I found the loveliest card from an Italian girl I was friends with on Erasmus. She got with her husband after I encouraged her to show up at a party that he was at, and I can't even remember now, but whatever happened, she always thanked me for getting them together. She was a genuinely fantastic person - really loud and fun - and he was Russian - solid, with a soft soul, and they were so sweet together. It warms my heart to think of them, to be honest.

I am finding today kind of hard. I have drank a lot of wine. I did 1 day 15 hours no cigarettes, then crumbled.

So - something maybe you can help with. I am really trying to quit now because I know this is the best time - no pubs, no work - fab. But, menthol cigarettes are being banned on May 20th. So every time I try to quit, this thought comes into my head - It's only another few weeks, and then you have to quit. But I am truly sick of them, and I know this is my chance. In my head, I won't smoke 'normal' cigarettes, but I know it is easier to stop now than later. I don't want to keep smoking for another 5 weeks. How can I convince my brain that?
 
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