Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi, Em. I don't feel I can give you any advice at all but just wanted you to know that I'm reading your diary xo
 
Emilyrose said:
The other comment is really interesting, but I've been completely fake and acting in my role as director to try to pacify people the last two rehearsals, and I am so depressed and angry over it that it is not worth it. I have compromised myself completely. And you know what? The notes I gave when I was a bit grumpy and giving active advice have really sunk into people's heads and they were so fantastic on Sunday. I don't want to do this if I can't be myself. So they are going to have to get over it.
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Hi Em! I didn't mean to be fake, but to be yourself, and if you don't want so much friction also see if you can figure out what the friction is about and if you want to adjust what you are doing around that. But please don't change your personality to try to fit in - and I know you won't! That is what got me all this social anxiety - trying to fit in instead of being me (but a more sensitive me.) My art school boyfriend did have quite a ways to go as far as knowing how to treat girlfriends, but I had even further to go as far as boyfriends, I think. Anyway, water under the bridge!!

I hope you can just picture all of us around you encouraging you to relax and take things one at a time. I really hate stress, and it just seems like you are in a bottleneck of stress right now, like Amy said. I hope you can find nurturing things that help you get balanced again. And stress makes me bloated and out of sorts, too. I bet it will get better quickly when you can de-stress again. Do you anything like deep belly breathing when you get frustrated or sad? I find it helps my anxiety tremendously. Big hugs and please take good care of you!

PS I like the description of me - it actually fits a younger version of me. I am a lot more even keel than I was when I was younger, thank goodness for everyone around me!
 
Em hate getting smears but a necessary evil . After all the scandal we had here last couple of years Re smears I’m surprised we still get them .

I know what you mean about work I just mean for a short while let it all over your head . I know when I’m not in form I try to shit my door and really get into work for a few days to give me headspace . But it sounds like you have a nice bunch of girls to talk too . I do too so am lucky but I just meet them in a canteen when I’m in head down mode .

Sorry you are sad and feeling super fat . I empathise with you . I hope you have a nice relaxing weekend and as we know those feelings do pass . Be super kind to yourself . I think you are on date today or was that last week ? And off to drive tomorrow? Sorry if I have wrong dates .

Big hugs
 
Tomorrow's a day off from work, I think? I really hope you can soak up the no-demand-ness of it - and that time with Spanish Guy is very, very easy and relaxing and nice! :)

and :D for Petal!
 
Thanks LaMa, it probably was less than half a minute, lol.

That's okay Cate, it's nice to know you are there regardless.

Thanks Marsia, I really do feel supported here.

I get what you mean by the head down thing Petal. When I am unhappy, I find it very hard to concentrate. The day off yesterday has helped me bigtime, finally got a proper night's sleep last night. It's 7.30am on a Saturday morning and I am awake because I was asleep by half 9 last night! :eek: It feels good. Also, lol at shitting on the door - that's one way to keep people out! :smilielol5:

Hi Amy, things are on hold with the Spanish Guy for now. I think he likes me though so he said he'll 'wait'. We'll see.

I went to the gym yesterday and it was like I'd taken an injection of happiness. It was only a 30 minute class but I was absolutely dreading going because it was called 'Boot Camp', but it was actually fine and I was well able for it. That was encouraging in itself but also the massive endorphin rush I got from it that my body has clearly been craving was phenomenal. Like, my mood was so high and a lot more positive for hours afterwards.

So, my first and only COMMIT plan for the next 30 days (yesterday was day 1) is to go to at least one gym class every day. I know getting outside is important too, but I think for now when I am so unfocused, the classes are better because they are on at set times, whereas with a run, I can keep putting it off all day. I'm going to keep a little table here of what I do, just to keep the encouragement up. I'm also going to put in my daily weigh-ins, just to see that it is working (it will).

Day 1 - Fri 11th Oct - Boot Camp :gnorsi:- 180.6 lbs - 41.8% bf

I think I'm getting overwhelmed with having too many plans, so this is what I will commit to for now, and after this 30 days, I might try something else. I think having both the pounds and body fat there means that hopefully, there will be a reduction in one or the other every day. Nothing massive, just incremental would be enough for me at this stage.

The plan for today is a double whammy class - spin and then HIIT, which will be tough, but I can do it. I will take both at my own pace.
Then I have meetings about the play today - lighting and sound and then costumes.
This evening, I might go for a swim.

Tomorrow, I will have the gym again, then I'm going home for Sunday dinner, as we have relations visiting from New York. I have rehearsal tomorrow evening.

So exciting to be awake so early! I was so ready for bed last night by 9 o'clock, which is another side benefit of exercising as well - your mind gets a lot more relaxed and more easily tired. So I am back to feeling positive and I am going to keep that up as much as I can.
 
Em happy to read your update . I have just written about my lack of motivation for walking so I'll try join you with the walk as you do the gym. I too will COMMIT.

Have a lovely weekend and enjoy the visitors .
X
 
Boot camp sounds like a good idea, and its making you happy, that's good!

You know every time I read your diary title I see "Emily Rose: The Robot", makes me smile.

Keep up the good work!
 
Hi Em, so happy you are feeling so much better. I always forget how much exercise relieves stress. That seems like a great goal for the month!!!
 
Good for you with the gym classes - it sounds like it really suits you. :) I love that you're getting the side-benefits of endorphin rush and stress release and better sleep.
Also, good wishes for the family lunch and rehearsal to both go really well!
 
Thanks Petal, Marsia and Amy.

Yep LaMa, it's good to get out of this house, that's for sure!

Haha, I'm not a robot Rob, I swear.

Day 1 - Fri 11th Oct - Boot Camp :gnorsi: - 180.6 lbs - 41.8% bf
Day 2 - Sat 12th Oct - Spin/HIIT :boxing: - 182.8 lbs - 41.8% bf

Depressed about the scales, but it's to be expected really. I won't be stopping anyway.

Nothing much more to report, very busy, a little bit overwhelmed, but I'm keeping on keeping on.
 
Hey Emily, don't worry about a weight gain of one day, it's probably just water. Stick with your Boot Camp and all and you will lose weight, no question.

How can we be sure you're not a robot? You never know.
 
It sounds like you are in pretty good shape if you can do a HIIT class after a spin class! I did a 10 minute HIIT class from the internet the other day and thought I would pass out. I bet the weight will just melt right off with all the classes you are doing...
 
:D Thanks for the comments guys. I swear I always pass the 'pick out the traffic lights in this picture' robot tests. Lol.

COMMIT has gone by the wayside, it's extremely difficult with the play, visitors, exhaustion, etc. Yes, excuses, excuses. I always get a breather towards the end of the week before the madness kicks off again, so I will try to get back on track tomorrow.

And Marsia, I was very happy that I managed the HIIT class after spinning, once I get going, I am not too bad. It's actually making it to the gym that is my issue.

Had a very pleasant day at work, we had some visitors from other offices, which is always nice. It creates a better atmosphere sometimes when there are new people around. I gave one of them a lift to the shop cos he wanted to buy cigarettes, I'd never really chatted to him before, so that was nice. I always like hearing about other people's lives and learning a bit about them.

So yeah, the weight is RED ALERT HIGH, a small drop this morning, but body fat up, which is nearly worse. The only advantage is that if I get my shit together, it should drop quickly. The good thing I can say is that I was looking really tired and rundown, and I feel that lifted a bit today. I put on a bit of makeup and looked the best I have in a while. And I had more energy today as well, so there's a silver lining there.

I had a wonderful evening on Monday with my family and the cast of the play. We all sat around chatting and joking and I had a smile on my face going to sleep. Aw, I am such a softie underneath it all, haha.

Right. I'm not going to spell out my plan for the next few days, I think I will work on tracking food again and exercising daily, but I don't want to write it down and then fail, so I will report back instead. I feel more positive about everything, which is the main thing.

I'm viewing a house on Saturday, I really hope it works out. It's in a lovely central location and it is still very handy for work, with two others in their 30s, and neither of them own the place, so fingers crossed! Can't wait to leave here! Even though it's a nice house, I come home every day and the landlord has rearranged every cushion and moved anything that is even slightly out of place and closed every door and it is just not relaxing!! Fed up of it.
 
Hey beauty - seems you are still fighting the good fight. Was interesting reading about the play and your role in it! Great news about the house - hope the other two people are nice! Will you meet them both?
 
Fingers crossed for the house and great flatmates!
 
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