Emily Rose: The Reboot

Anyway, I like to think of this as a massive release of negative energy and that it's the start of a brand new life path.
I love this attitude toward all the things breaking :)
I've just booked in an acupuncture session for the Saturday after next in another effort to give up smoking.
Oh good for you! yes definitely worth giving a go--i hope it works.
Today is the most glorious day it's been here in months and months. Beautiful blue sky, sun shining, a fresh 9 degrees out there. I woke up at half 8 (too early, my sleep is still very disturbed) and after a bit of lounging around, I got up and decided to walk to the shop next door to get a coffee. Lo and behold, it was closed, which is unusual and makes me think someone died. Anyway, this forced me on a 20 minute walk to the next shop and then I took my cake, coffee and paper to the park. I sat basking in the sun for a while and then walked home. So, a really positive start to the day.
Oh that does sound really lovely!
 
Thanks Cate. The party was fine, but the honest truth is that I would have enjoyed it more if I was drinking. I left at around 11pm. Still, I woke up today feeling like I hadn't really missed out on anything and happy with my decision.
I did the same on Saturday night. The photos from the party look hilarious & lots of fun but I'm still glad I left early & sober.
I've just booked in an acupuncture session for the Saturday after next in another effort to give up smoking.
Good for you!
Today is the most glorious day it's been here in months and months. Beautiful blue sky, sun shining, a fresh 9 degrees out there
Lovely & you made the most of it :)
The woman I dreaded meeting was at the party, as suspected. I actually chatted away to her and her husband quite naturally, and I've realised I'm over the whole thing and I don't bear her any ill-will or resentment anymore. It was great!
This is always good.
I love that you are excited about showing your parents your new car.
I hope your week goes well, Em xo
 
- Thanks Liza. I really hope it works. x
- I'm really happy I did now, Cate! Things have taken a turn! If I was tired from alcohol, it would be even worse!

Ugh. I have BRILLIANT news and kind of bad news so I guess my life remains in balance, hahaha. It can never be too good or drama-free! I'll get the bad news out of the way. Basically, I got a bit of a shock in work yesterday. Someone got promoted over me and it's really sent me into a tailspin. Questioning everything. I'm staying at home today out of protest because I just need time to process it all. I don't like the person who got promoted, I don't think she deserves it, she leans on me a huge amount and she's also incredibly fake and disingenuous (at least from my perspective). She's been incredibly difficult to deal with for the last year, and all of a sudden she's done a complete about-turn with me and is all nice as pie. Now I know why! I feel like a mug.

Anyway, there's not much I can do. Due to financial reasons, I can't leave for another while, but as soon as all that stuff is sorted out, I will be looking for a new job. Maybe this is the kick up the arse that I've needed. I'm not unhappy there, so many positives, but I've reached a dead end in terms of progress and even development really. I feel really underappreciated. Just because I'm not stressed out anymore or killing myself, all of the great work I am doing has been completely disregarded. In my opinion, I have the whole thing running like a well-oiled machine, which means I can leave on time and it doesn't take up too much headspace for me anymore. That's after a very tough 4-5 years though. The two people who got promoted this year are full of tears and stress and I'm kind of thinking maybe having a few mini-meltdowns might have served me better. But nah. I'm disgusted and I also think they won't know how much I've made life easy for everyone in there until I walk out the door. You're gonna miss me babe.

As I've said, I've taken the day off to process and sulk a bit, but... now onto the good news! I weighed in this morning at 191.9!! A new low. So close to the 180s again!!!! I look a lot better physically. I danced around in my underwear to the song I'm going to post below this morning and I just felt so much physically better and I'm really getting my (very sexy! :p) shape back!! :D Hahaha. And then... the best thing.

I tried on a pair of jeans that haven't fit me in maybe a year and a half. And Reader, THEY FIT!!!! They weren't even snug!! So happy. So happy to have another pair of jeans to wear again.

I really feel that now that Covid is more or less over (they've closed all the vaccination centres here), my body has finally been able to relax and stop storing every morsel. I can definitely see myself back to a great, healthy weight by the end of the year. I am so relieved and so happy about that. I also think I would do great in an apocalyptic scenario because I could probably go weeks without food as I store fat so easily. Hopefully that theory is never put to the test. But anyway. That's been my day. Gonna watch Murder Mystery 2 now, cook a healthy chicken stir-fry for dinner (I put miso paste into the rice, it is so good) and then I have tennis this evening. Fuck the haters!

 
Too bad about the job situation, but man the rest of your post sounds so awesome and positive. Way to go with the weight loss and feeling great about your body! Always awesome to be able to put on a pair of jeans that haven't fit in a long while!!
 
Too bad about the job situation, but man the rest of your post sounds so awesome and positive. Way to go with the weight loss and feeling great about your body! Always awesome to be able to put on a pair of jeans that haven't fit in a long while!!
:iagree: with Liza. This could just be the catalyst you need, Em.
 
- Yes, the jeans thing has stopped me from plummeting off the cliff, Liza.
- Thanks Cate.

Today I didn't feel much better and kind of felt sorry for myself for most of the day. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't really come, which is annoying. Better to release it than carry it around. Anyway, I stayed home again today and slept a lot and then I got a text that my phone is ready to be collected (yes, my phone broke as well) so that was a task that I had to get done today. All my photos and contacts have been wiped, which is quite sad, but again, maybe this is the fresh start I was talking about. I have lots of nice voice memos from someone that I will really miss, but I probably shouldn't be listening back to them anyway for my own sanity. Phones and social media definitely make it harder for people to let go of things. I guess they did have letters in the past though, so it's probably the same thing, just a different medium.

Anyway! I ended up getting McDonald's this evening - a sign that things are really rotten. But my housemate came in after I'd demolished all of it and she was saying it was a really nice evening and she'd just got back from a walk. So I decided that that was a sign that I'd better go for a walk myself. I drove out to a nice walk that I traversed many evenings during the Covid lockdowns, and it was actually really beautiful. Some people were out rowing on the water and it was really peaceful. I did a 50 minute walk, which was pretty good, and it kind of helped clear my mind a bit and realise that I'm overreacting slightly to this whole thing. I have other areas in my life I want to focus on rather than my career right now. Yes, it is disappointing what has happened, but I can't really do anything about it, and it also leaves me wiggle room to focus 100% on getting my health back to optimum and losing the rest of this excess weight. So yeah. I should be okay tomorrow.

On the way home, I bought some baby potatoes, cabbage and salmon for my dinner tomorrow and I have tennis tomorrow evening and then it's pretty much the weekend. I've booked in a float session for 8pm on Friday, which is extremely rejuvenating and should get me back on track. I just have to hang in there for now.
 
Going for the walk was a really positive thing to do, Em & sounds lovely. You'll bounce back & come back stronger. Good for you buying healthy food & having things to look forward to. Sending you a hug, just in case you might like one :grouphug:
 
Today I didn't feel much better and kind of felt sorry for myself for most of the day. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't really come, which is annoying.
:grouphug: sorry to hear that

Good for you getting out on that walk and buying that healthy food. Your plans for tennis and a float session sounds great. Good for you keeping the healthy choices going even when struggling a bit.
 
- Thanks Cate. I really needed the hug.
- Thanks Liza. I'm failing mostly, but that's okay sometimes.

Today I had an Easter egg instead of cooking my dinner, so that wasn't a great decision. I just cannot have excess chocolate in the house - I will just keep going until it's all gone. I felt a bit uncomfortable after it but I played an hour of tennis this evening at least, so I did something to undo the damage. Food has gone a bit haywire again, unfortunately.

I can't wait for my day at work to be over tomorrow and for the long Easter weekend to begin. I'm looking forward to my float tomorrow, I should sleep great after it, then on Saturday I have tennis and a party. Sunday I have a beach outing with friends and Monday I am meeting a friend to get a book off him and then the meditation classes that I used to go to before Covid are finally back!

I really enjoyed those meditation classes and it looked like they weren't going to do in-person anymore, so I'm relieved to see that they have made a welcome return. They do reiki healing at the end, which I also really enjoy. I'm not sure how much this stuff actually works, maybe it's all just pseudoscience with a strong placebo effect element, but it never makes me feel bad after going, only better. So I'm going. And it's only 5 euro, so you can't go wrong really. So yeah, lots of the old hobbies are returning. Still not back into yoga yet, but maybe that can be a project for the summer.

I'm kind of hoping against hope for someone to text me, which is kind of a stupid wish, but I really miss him. It's sad when it seems like someone has completely forgot about you and they mean so much to you. There's not really much I can do about it. And I've kind of reached out to him the last few times, so it's time to back off I think. Sometimes I really feel like the stupidest person on the planet.
 
I hope you have a lovely weekend, Em. Yay for the meditation classes returning! Please don't say you're stupid. You're smitten. It does things to the brain.
 
So nice that your meditation classes are back. That sounds so nice with the reiki.
Your weekend plans sound great :)
 
- Oh God, it certainly does Cate. This is the craziest I've ever been, and that's saying a lot! Hahaha.
- Thanks Liza, I am looking forward to it.

Well, I did my float this evening. I feel like a new woman after it! It's kind of an amazing thing, because it's quite anxiety-inducing at the beginning, and you start to panic that someone will come in and attack you or that you can't breathe and goddammit where is the light?! But you kind of just have to lie there and deal with it and focus on the breath and all that anxiety kind of melts away. It sort of teaches you what you should do when anxiety rears its ugly head in the real world. Unfortunately, I tend to smoke when that happens, which means I'm pretty much anxious all day. But I am going to try not smoking on Sunday and Monday, as I have no work and they should be easier days for me to kind of breathe through that anxiety naturally. And, of course, I have that acupuncture session next week.

Anyway, the floating was amazing, and I will definitely go back again. I was imagining my whole body healing and beauty and light radiating through my body, and I got into a really comfortable, relaxed state. It just resets the whole nervous system. And you don't have to do anything except lie there! Minimum effort involved! That's my kind of therapy. I also read a really interesting book while drinking my peppermint tea in the lounge room afterwards. It was called The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene, and I read a bit about narcissism, which I sometimes fear I suffer from, and then I read a really interesting bit about the life of Anton Chekhov, which was absolutely fascinating and made me want to learn more about the man. So that part of the float experience was also great.

Tomorrow I have tennis at 10 am, and then I'm meeting some friends for coffee and we are going out for dinner tomorrow evening. So a very busy day ahead, which will be nice. And no wine tonight, thank God. If I hadn't done the float, I would more than likely have bought a bottle, so that's another good outcome from it.

I'm chilling out now with some beautiful classical music and I should be asleep by half 10 and have a big fresh head on me for tomorrow! Night all. xxx
 
I've never tried one of those floats--sounds like a very interesting experience for sure
Tomorrow I have tennis at 10 am, and then I'm meeting some friends for coffee and we are going out for dinner tomorrow evening.
Sounds like a really nice plan.
 
- Thanks Cate and Liza.

So, I'm going to include some of a throwback entry from Jan 7th 2019 here cos it's kind of interesting:
I went into town yesterday to get a hot chocolate and read my book for a while. It was a really dull day here and I had nothing planned, so I thought, 'Why not?' I had such a hectic Christmas, it was just loads of food and drinks and late nights. I was ready to have a nice, relaxing weekend. Anyway, my stomach started to feel a bit ropey in town, but it wasn't too bad. By the time I got home, it was feeling awful. At about 7pm, I had intense pain in my lower stomach, just below the belly button, it was excruciating. This went on for a while, then the vomiting started. I was in severe pain for 10 hours, then I finally was able to hold down water, took a few panadol which I think helped it, then half-slept for a while.

I still have a slight pain this evening and I haven't eaten much all day, so I'm going to take tomorrow off from work and see how I go. I have never been as sick in my whole life, it was the worst night of my life. The interesting thing is that I went to this Reiki meditation group on Friday night and they did some Reiki healing at the end of it, and I really feel it might have brought on this as a sort of 'healing crisis'.
So, I went to the same meditation group last Monday. I had gone since that first session back in January 2019 and I don't think I experienced any bad symptoms since then. But those face-to-face sessions were all cancelled during Covid so it's probably been 3 years since I've gone to one. Anyway, I went, there was some really nice energy in the group, but to be honest, I kind of took the whole thing with a pinch of salt and I didn't feel anything in particular while the meditation and reiki was going on. The minute the reiki was over, I felt like I was going to collapse from tiredness. I really haven't been sleeping well since January, and it was like I'd got hit by a truck. I had to go to sleep immediately! I managed to drive home and collapsed into bed at ten past 9. I was asleep relatively quickly.

Anyway, all week, my stomach has been in shreds. I've had a touch of diarrhea most days. I was kind of wondering what was going on. And then I remembered my experience after that first session. This shit works guys! (Pun intended. :p) Honestly, it really has an insane effect on my digestive system, which is where I carry all my stress really.

I've kind of messed up now because I also did that acupuncture session today in an attempt to quit smoking, and had to hit the porcelain throne very soon after I got home. I'm meant to be meeting friends tonight and I am just weak right now, but hopefully I've got most of it out and the night will go well. Anyway, all this stuff is fascinating to me. Let's hope I start to see positive results!

I weighed in this morning at 193.5, up a bit, but my body fat was down a bit to 45.2%, which was great to see. I'm definitely on a downward trajectory with the weight. I can't wait to be thin again. Hahaha.
 
Hello again, hello.

Life is getting hectic again. I just have so much going on. It's great, but there is a permeating sadness underneath, which I really have to try to alleviate. That's the honest truth. Anyway, onto the good stuff.

Weighed in yesterday at 190.3 pounds and 45% body fat. That's an official (almost) 10 pound loss since the 1st of January, which is fantastic. If I keep going this way, I'll be 160 pounds by the end of the year. Wouldn't that be something. And I can see it continue to melt away, I really can. I definitely think I'm going through a period of change. And loads of things are going so, so well for me. It's great.

I'm also involved in a fantastic new community project that is so worthwhile and cool and involves working with people that have faced homelessness and addiction issues, and it's so great. I couldn't be happier to be involved. And obviously, as someone with my own addiction issues, I have massive empathy and it's also kind of forcing me to confront that side of myself. It's going to be really good for me. There's some fabulous people involved in it, some real local heroes, and I couldn't be prouder.

I talked to Mum this evening and she's a bit fed up. I just wish she could turn the corner with this thing. I feel for her, I really do.

Tomorrow, my plan is to tidy my room, which has disintegrated again. I have all fresh bed linen washed and ready to go, I just need to tidy all my clothes away and do a thorough hoovering and dusting and it will be all fine again. I'm actually skipping any other activities tomorrow just to get this done, and both my housemates should be out of the house which is better when getting into cleaning mode. I can blare my music and really get stuck in.

Friday I have tennis and then a night out where hopefully I get home relatively early, then Saturday is the project in the mid-morning and a show in the evening. I'm going out for lunch with my parents on Sunday and then a whole new week starts again. It should be great.
 
Overall life sounds really good for you, Em. The new community project sounds great. Good for you! 10 lbs lost since the start of the year? Well done! Your life seems to be moving along in a positive way & you are looking for the good in it. I like your attitude :)
 
Anyway, all week, my stomach has been in shreds. I've had a touch of diarrhea most days. I was kind of wondering what was going on. And then I remembered my experience after that first session. This shit works guys! (Pun intended. :p) Honestly, it really has an insane effect on my digestive system, which is where I carry all my stress really.
That is really interesting, that overall effect of the reiki. Will you keep going then?
Weighed in yesterday at 190.3 pounds and 45% body fat. That's an official (almost) 10 pound loss since the 1st of January, which is fantastic.
That really is fantastic! Very nice drop for sure.
I'm also involved in a fantastic new community project that is so worthwhile and cool and involves working with people that have faced homelessness and addiction issues, and it's so great. I couldn't be happier to be involved. And obviously, as someone with my own addiction issues, I have massive empathy and it's also kind of forcing me to confront that side of myself. It's going to be really good for me. There's some fabulous people involved in it, some real local heroes, and I couldn't be prouder.
That sounds really great. Looking forward to hearing how it all goes. Is it a long-term project or a shorter-term one?

Nice to hear how good things are going overall!
 
- Thanks Cate. I really am trying to see the positives.
- Hi Liza. It is on tomorrow night and I will probably go. I think I need it. My stomach is still not right though, unfortunately. The project is short-term, which suits me, as it means I can get back to tennis. It's impossible to focus on both.

I had a pretty good rest of the week. I stuck to my plan for Thursday night and actually cleaned up my room. What a relief! It's disintegrated a bit since, but it's not so bad.

I had a few nights out and things at the weekend, which were enjoyable enough. I do meet this one girl from time and time, and I've definitely reached 'bitch eating crackers' territory with her - as in, I'm the bitch. I don't know what it is, but I always manage to say the wrong thing to her, completely unintentionally, and get her back up. I think because I know I've upset her in the past, I end up trying too hard, and it just gets awkward. Anyway, I won't be seeing her for another while, so it's okay. But yeah, I really don't like upsetting people. I really do just want everyone to like me, which is, of course, impossible.

My stomach is not good this evening - I went out for a big carvery lunch with my parents, who have had a great week, but it was just too much food all together, and I am sick now. I have this vision of all the fat just melting away, which is a powerful mantra, but it's making my appetite completely haywire in some respects. I got some gaviscon there; I have never bought the stuff before, but I just feel extremely uncomfortable.

I went for a nap after the meal out and now I'm at a bit of a loose end for the evening. Sunday evenings are the worst when you're single.

The meditation class is on tomorrow again, then I have tennis and the community project to keep me going for the rest of the week, and Saturday should be a really fun night out to support a friend in another thing he's involved with. He's one of my favourite people on the planet.

I might watch a comedy show now and try to go to sleep with a smile on my face. I'm not in a low mood but I'm really unhappy about a particular situation and I just can't seem to get over it. :( The world keeps spinning regardless so I'm trying my best to keep upbeat and engaged with things, and I think I'm succeeding for the most part.
 
The meditation class is on tomorrow again, then I have tennis and the community project to keep me going for the rest of the week, and Saturday should be a really fun night out to support a friend in another thing he's involved with. He's one of my favourite people on the planet.
That all sounds good, Em.
I'm not in a low mood but I'm really unhappy about a particular situation and I just can't seem to get over it.
It's tough, Em but I think you're doing well :grouphug:
 
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