Diary: Curvie Girlie: A Yo-Yo's Reformation

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Curves, interesting how when I read about all the pitfalls happening around you, I instantly thought of POSITIVE stuff and not negative stuff. WHY?? Because I've been there. And every time I thought I was at the pit of hell and no way would I ever get back on my feet and make it happen, I DID!! And EVERY TIME I made a huge change in my life, it ALWAYS ended up being something BETTER!! for a quick example, I left my ex hubby when my boys were really young, I up and packed my bags, with NO PENNY in my pocket, no job waiting for me on the other end and no place to live. I moved from NY to California and moved in with my sis, in her very tiny two bedroom apartment. Within a week I had a full time job in San Francisco, in a business I had never been in before. I made great money and after 3 months had enough saved to buy a used piece of crap car and a down on a house/rental. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but what I'm trying to say is EVERY NEGATIVE in your life, is pushing you toward a POSITIVE in your life. Take this as a sign of better things to come in your future. IF You want it for yourself, you can make it happen. Make the CHANGE, dig deep and figure out what you really want to do, then GO FOR IT!! you have nothing holding you back but you!! I had two kids to think about, so it was a bit harder for me, but ever step I have done in my life has been a ladder going upward, and it will for you also. You have YOUTH, DETERMINATION, and GREAT FAMILY on your side. USE THOSE aspects and MAKE IT HAPPEN. It's your time now Val, SEIZE IT!!!
Kim
 
Miss Ladybug said:
I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but what I'm trying to say is EVERY NEGATIVE in your life, is pushing you toward a POSITIVE in your life. Take this as a sign of better things to come in your future. USE THOSE aspects and MAKE IT HAPPEN. It's your time now Val, SEIZE IT!!!
Kim
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Kim--that was such a great post!!! (I nipped and tucked a bit)....but you hit it right on the head!!! I can say the same thing about my life and though the rocky times were hell....I see where they led me....to a much better, happier life and I am a much stronger woman for it.



Valerie,

Gosh, so much has hit you in such a short time....and I am sorry to hear that so many crappy things are hitting you at the same time, but the opportunity is there...I really believe that there is a much better job out there waiting for you and with it will come a lot of other wonderful things...a new place to live, new relationships, new goals and a great adventure!


I hope you are having a good day at work today and you are having a good food day too! Hang in there girl!!! :)
 
DCarr10760 said:
We are unaccustomed to the closeness and tenderness of nurturing somebody physically, hugging, cuddling and the rush of emotion that goes with helping a friend through a rough place. Guys don't do this with other guys, so when it's a woman needing closeness and comfort, it is confusing to us.

The only other place in our lives where we deal effectively with this level of emotion is in bed.
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Thank you, David, that puts things into perspective. It makes sense and basically I know that I can't seek comfort anymore. I can hug my womenfolk!!! Our tits get in the way, though! :rotflmao:

I think one subconscious aspect.....ugh and this sounds terrible, but I guess a lot of women may have this problem, is my dad was only 20 when I was born and he never really grew up--and was never there for me, and when he was he was like a disgusting older brother :rolleyes: In a way......I have daddy issues and um, maybe seek male approval more than I should or something :( If I was a child maybe I could be cuddled and comforted by a man, but as a grown ass woman....no. I need to work on the Power-Goddess in me. Funny, I used to be more of a feminist before I got with my ex BF......

Miss Ladybug said:
Take this as a sign of better things to come in your future. IF You want it for yourself, you can make it happen.
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I LOVE that post.

I agree 100%, thank you I needed that. I have so many ideas and I'm ready to follow my dream. You're right, I have family to help me and the will to power!! :D

bethann1156 said:
it will come a lot of other wonderful things...a new place to live, new relationships, new goals and a great adventure!


I hope you are having a good day at work today and you are having a good food day too! Hang in there girl!!! :)
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Thank you! I woke up and prayed to get through today with peace and calmness, lol!! I'm looking forward to change!!!
 
Dear Val, Things can and do turn around quickly. I think you're doing a tremendous job getting out there with your resume and jobhunting. Maybe you have a girlfriend you could seek solace from?
 
Hey girl, so sorry all this crap is going on. It sounds like you are being strong throughout. I know it must be extremely difficult to put a positive spin on things right now. Everything happening all at once is overwhelming but in some ways it's a great opportunity to push hard for being good to yourself. You are a great person who is willing to work hard, I know things will work out so well for you. Like others said, this will result in a stronger and happier you in the long run... So stay strong and we're all here for you too (hug).
 
Hey val,

I've been gone for almost a week so it looks like I missed a lot. Sorry for all thats been going on. :(
I think the idea of going to Napa to go to school for what you love is an incredible idea. Distance from where you are now might give you the extra strength to move on in your relationships and feel more self-reliant.

If I were there, I'd give you a girly hug. :jump:

And yea... whats with men hitting on us ladies when we're down? I have mostly male friends and find out at the WORST times that they've been secretly wanting me for years. I ended up talking to a friend of 12 years about splitting up with someone and the truth about how he felt came gushing out. Amazing.

I should have a crisis around all of my male friends at least once to see where their thoughts really are.... lol! :D

Hope you're feeling better,

- Sunny
 
Oh Rachie thank you!!!!

Sunny--thanks for the hug!! Yes I think it's time I moved away. I love the Central Coast but I may as well try my luck elsewhere!!

I think lots of men are just not vey picky and they hit on whatever's available--and if it's a pretty girl that's also cool, all the better. But yeah, it's the predator instinct--weakness is easy to spot.

For fuck's sake, take me: Vulnerable, hurting, starved for affection and love, Daddy issues, recently broken up, scared, lonely, natural Cuddle Bunny, trying to get back her self-confidence and self esteem. :eek: I probably shouldn't even go out in public......in the words of Hunter S. Thompson, for me, walking into a bar at night would be "like walking into a closet full of goddamn GILA MONSTERS." :rotflmao: Nah I'll be fine, just need to stay at home and read and think.
 
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, drinking is NOT the answer.

Like sex, drinking should be done when you're already happy and having fun and everything is peachy--not when you're down. I just have to practice what I preach.......
 
So true.
Well if it makes ya happy, I posted a few pics from that hike I took.. Of course, there wasn't a whole lot to see since it was so dense with clouds.

I think I saw sun around 4pm.. lol

- Sunny
 
Curvie Girlie said:
I think lots of men are just not vey picky and they hit on whatever's available--and if it's a pretty girl that's also cool, all the better. But yeah, it's the predator instinct--weakness is easy to spot.

For fuck's sake, take me: Vulnerable, hurting, starved for affection and love, Daddy issues, recently broken up, scared, lonely, natural Cuddle Bunny, trying to get back her self-confidence and self esteem. :eek: I probably shouldn't even go out in public......in the words of Hunter S. Thompson, for me, walking into a bar at night would be "like walking into a closet full of goddamn GILA MONSTERS." :rotflmao: Nah I'll be fine, just need to stay at home and read and think.
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Need I come over, secure your home, and lock you in your room, Val? heheee :hug2: Awww poor thing.. take time for yourself, girl. Find yourself before allowing just some random fellow around, which you seem to be doing. Kudos to you, doll. Wishing you all the best...

-Sheryl
 
OK Ladies!! This is really very interesting...

SO as most of you know about now, I'm up and down intermittantly.

Mornings are rough and days are blah because I hate waking up alone and I tend to trip out about the future in the mornings for some reason, must be hormonal :rolleyes: The days suck because I relalized I really hate languishing in an office all day--would rather be out socializing (or making wine, ahem) and today was weird-er because I realized that

a. In 30 days the entire routine would be different--no more 8:30 to 5, more like 2pm to 6pm.
b. My desk would be moved out of the common area. This is great because to be honest, I really....hmmm....how do I put this? Well, me and the Office Manager aren't exactly buddies and honestly, she's loud and quirky and repeats expressions so often I can almost predict her reaction to whatever is going on. There is nothing wrong with that--she's a great person and it's MY problem, I know THAT. But she's very different from me, also 50 years old and from the Midwest (no offense I'm just saying we're really very different) and I get on her nerves, she gets on mine. I'm looking forward to being away from her and also being alone in a room by myself to do my graphics designing and chain store shit.

Of course, Claudia's right when she says what they did to me (full time to part time with no warning whatsoever, well a 30 day grace period but no verbal warning) is intolerable and I should get the fuck out. I will, just not sure when exactly.

And I can always go back to my...GULP....parents house to look for a job, my parents promised me that was always an option. But my mom is a BAD alcoholic and my stepdad is great but he always complains about her and while it hurts, it hurts more that I AGREE with him and think that he should leave her.....yada yada point is my parents give me massive pain and dismay and it would be a bad environment for me :( Mom has massive mood swings and she can be super cool, then a total cunt when she's wasted. She's absolutely volatile and I forget that until I visit and she's so happy to see me she goes overboard and then me and Chad (stepdad) have to pick up the pieces.

Well don't feel sorry for me!!! I hate exposing myself so much but this is TRUE MAN, I can't hide this shit--it affects me nonetheless and being an introspective person, trained in cultural anthropology, philosophy and psychology I can't help but look at me and see why I am the way I am. Also, while I wish sometimes I had great parents, loving and perfect (ha ha ha) I think that my situation has given me amazing character. Um, I just get freaked out by the "apple not falling far from the tree" shit....scares the hell out of me! A drunk, inconsiderate, crazy mom and a irresponsible, bad-tempered Peter Pan dad who died of a drug overdose??? (this is it at its worst, my parents were great in their own right) Better that I'm an optimist....um unless I'm really feeling down, then you never met someone so pessimistic. Hmmmmm, maybe I really need therapy. HA HA!! Yup....sigh...too expensive right now, I'll use my friends instead.

Today after work I went to my aesthetician and she put on a salycilic peel, which is a face mask that you keep on the rest of the night and your face peels off the week after. Basically I look silly and have to stay at home--which is strange because since I moved in I have been out keeping myself occupied to not think of the BF....and now that I know I can't afford this place in a month I'm like, "shit I'm just starting to really like it here!!!" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Well, I COULD get a second job but I really, really want to figure out how I can get to France (Champagne and Burgundy preferrably) or New Zealand or Argentina or South Africa so I can learn some winemaking skills.

Hey this is getting too long and I have a hell of a lot more to say, let me start another post........
 
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Ok, so yeah I really want to travel again but this time for months on end, not a couple weeks on "holiday".

There is a small part of me that entertains the idea that I could try to latch on to some man and get assistance in travelling for some sort of exchange--preferrably companionship but yeah, I dunno. :rolleyes: 90% of me would rather be near-starving and dirt poor, making it on my own without ANY help except genuine, loving help from a few hands along the way. I want to MAKE it in this world, but I want to be HAPPY and not work for anyone who treats me like shit. My company does NOT necissarily, but what I'm trying to say is I don't like being the "child" in the office that the O.M. feels she has to watch. I don't even feel young, and I hate being young. I suppose I want respect or equal treatment and that would basically entail me working for myself or with or under real friends. Call me idealistic but I AM a DOER, and I have a great advantage--youth and I don't have children or a man to hold me back. Sounds ruthless? GOOD! I CHOSE not to have children, I have an IUD, what's the point of languishing when no man wants to marry me or have kids? Because I could go either way. I LOVE children and teenagers--I remember quite clearly what it was like, and at 25 I feel I could take that on. But also, I feel like I could up and LEAVE and realize my dream career and if the world goes to hell along the way...at least I go with it in a BANG, yeah????

People always say "everything happens for a reason" and I always resisted that because I believed so strongly in randomnimity. But after all this shit in my life, coinciding exactly with my 25th birthday, I say,

"OK Gods. Maybe you're right, maybe I DO need to pay closer attention and jump when the moment is set up just right."

This evening I feel absolutely strong and ready for change. Who the fuck knows what tomorrow will bring?!?! I need to travel again. It was good for my soul and I should get back into it. I need to do a BUNCH of research to figure it out....
 
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Wow I'm so sorry I've missed the past couple of posts Valerie. Okay I don't know whether to sympathize, empathize, or envy you at the moment. I desperately hope you travel. And I hope there is a way you can do it entirely on your own. I have my travel fund building slowly but surely in fact, I intend to travel for months on end the moment I graduate (on my own). You have a brilliant opportunity and I love reading about what is going through your head. You're a free spirit and that is something that many people cannot embrace and you seem to revel in it. I really can't wait to see what transpires for you my friend :hug2:
 
Sometimes I wish I went to a church and had an absolute faith in a particular thing.

But then I'm glad when I meet people who do that, but don't turn their nose at me, either. For example, my dear grandma (the Mexican one, but she has Spanish in her too) goes to church (mass) several times a week (Catholic) and is such a sweet person....yet never judges me, I'm not babtised you know. My mom chose not to babtise me, and SHE went to Catholic school. In a way, I feel FREE. but also ina way, sad thing is, I have only dressed up as a Catholic School Girl at the age of 23 for my then-boyfriend's perverted enjoyment. LOL!!!! I wanted to put a frowny face but I started laughing!!! Man y'all have to admit I have a good sense of humor :D

Men crack me up, David if you happen to read this please post something funny, I love light on this situation and it is nice to have you post things in here, etc. :) :D

My POINT was that I do not have a denomination but I wholely respect the whole Jesus thing. In my opinion, forgiveness is DIVINE. AND I belive in miracles, because I have seen them first hand (or perceived events as such). As a hopeless romantic, I like the idea of laying down and taking on someone else's pain because it is so noble and it tests your very sanity. I think that yeah, if someone is consistantly hurting you, you need to get out of that relationship. But on a crazy level, if you can get through to that person in some way so as to make them realize their actions....wow I can't really go on, I'm not that wise. I think what I'm trying to say is forgiveness, empathy, and compassion FEEL correct for me and even though I can't stand being with my ex BF and I have some negative thoughts on him, I know I'm wiser than him because he can't let go of things and forgive and forget. It's not like I was terrorizing him. He told me straight up he has resentment of me for our verbal arguments and such. I'm not perfect, in our relationship I admit I was fucked up and I acted crazy. Grrrrrrr love did that to me but I'm wiser now and I feel confident I can sit back and THINK before I act, better than I did.

POINT BEING
I'm older and wiser. The relatioship was horrible in a lot of ways but it was a valuable experience.

Thank Goddess for that.
 
You are very intense. and although that is beautiful and fascinating, it seems like your exboyfriend can't be on that same level as you are at the moment. I think it's incredibly sad when two people may at some point delve into self-actualization, but it's never at the same time. You're right, he just doesn't seem to be there, when you seem totally willing to question everything.

hahah that may not make sense!
 
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