Diary: Curvie Girlie: A Yo-Yo's Reformation

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There's nothing at all appealing about being cold and uncaring. Because you're not that kind of person, you'll find a guy who really appreciates who you are. Just give it some time.
 
Well, the thing is this. Each relationship, when it ends, has the potential to get you closer to your "one true love" or farther away. It all depends what you do with it. If you analyze it afterward, and figure out the lessons from it, then you get closer to that goal. If you just get pissed off and hurt, then you get farther away, and are more likely to repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying you made any mistakes at all; I'm in absolutely no position to judge that. I'm just saying that a lot of people never examine why their relationship failed, and because of that, they simply repeat the same pattern over and over again. They blame all their breakups on "bad karma" or something similar, when really it is their own inability to examine their life.
 
Yes TIME is the key word, this issue your having with your BF is going to go away overnight, it will stick around for many months to come. You just have to learn to adjust to it, and make the best of a bad situation for awhile. Working hard on YOURSELF, and less worry about others right now. Because when your a mess, everything else around will be crazy. Don't worry about the BF's feelings right now, focus on Val, and how to make her a better person, and what will help boost her own inner being. I think if you start refocusing on your weight training and eating really good, like you did a few months back, that should spring you right back up! Your whole outlook on life and yourself seemed so much better when you were running all the time, eating really good at home and doing your pouring every now and again. You need to dig deep and fine that "super hero" girl we all know is in there, and bring her butt back out. You can do this, YOUR STRONG!! Remember, surround yourself with friends, work hard on yourself, and enjoy your down time. It will come together in time. "time" that is your key word for the month. I hope your weekend turns out wonderful, and I think you should go out with the girls tomorrow and just enjoy some women time!! I'll check in on you later gator!!
Big Hugs
Kim
 
Hey hun, I posted this for you in my journal, but I wanted to make sure you see it!
"As a romance ends, women don't hurt more than men, just differently."- Michael Levine

And you know what? If he is getting over you, you should move on too. I dont know any other way than to be blunt, but you cannot focus so much energy on him when he is openly not happy. He loves you, there's no doubt. He wouldn't go through this if he didn't.
And sometimes, it just takes a little while(as in a few weeks or months) to really gain the outside perspective that is needed.
My therapist was even telling me yesterday that I need to find a way to see things in a realisitc perspective. And I tried to. And I think I do now, and I feel a lot better. I'm angrier. But I'm not as hurt by his behavior now because it's HIS decision, and he is only going to affect himself.
It's time that we stop giving our good days to these guys, and live for ourselves.
You are AMAZING, as EVERYONE here knows. We LOVE you, Val. We want to see you cared for, and loved, and appreciated.
 
Hey you chicky poo - lol - Im glad you ahve Lucas I really am - he has been a great friend and supporter for you adn I think it is what youhave been needing!!! As far as meals with friendsa dn such - who would evne consider you were takin advantage of them or using them - my friends take me out alot and pay for things - lol - usually it is the only way I can afford to get out...and yes time does heal all wounds I never believed it myself but I did eventually get over the x even thoughtI didnt think I would and such...there comes a time when you finally just let go - Ive been were you - were I am confused and tired and dont wanna ya know...anywya girl just keep your head up adn Ive been missing you :)
 
One devastating blow after another

Well, I love you and appreciate you, truly. But something amazing happened yesterday.

Right before I left for work, my manager and HR person sprung a small meeting on me. While I'm doing a fine job at work, the Pres is "reconfiguring the office" and wants to move my desk to the front room (our "office" is in a residential home with no dividers or anything) and have me solely concentrate on Point of Sale and chain store entires--

........but cut me from 40 to 20 hours a week, no benefits. :eek2: :cry:​

SO....I moved, I'm just getting used to living alone. I'm just getting used to the loss of certain aspects of my relationship with the BF and am working it out with him. NOW THIS????? How much more can a woman take??

I deserve better than this.

I had hours to think and I have all sorts of ideas. The next door neighbor to my work offered me a room in exchnage for helping out with Genie--which is very weird but he houses another woman, and helps her financially. I know that worst case scenario I could stay there--free rent next door to my job? It's an idea.

Second, I have networked and made aquaintances in the wine industry--if I tell some people this betrayal (my job basically makes the company and especially the Pres more $$$$$--and they fuck me like this!!!) I may get help. I know I could ask Martin Alfaro winery if they need ANY kind of employee, because they are considering me to work in the tasting room they're building, and I still want to do that.

Third, now I have no real ties to this place. I LOVE Monterey Bay, but now I'm on month to month lease. My job becomes a half-assed job Sept 15th. My BF is a half-assed BF, and we don't live together. I could very well just up and leave my stuff with my mom in the East Bay and visit all my WLF friends, LOL!!!!

I could move back in with my parents and find a job in the SF Bay Area. I LOVE and MISS the Bay, that's an idea.

I kind of want to go to Napa or Sonoma county and work in the wine industry up there, although I prefer the Santa Cruz Mountains AVA, personally.

I could leave the country and travel around again. I've been to France, Germany, Czech Republic, Hungary, Austria, Fiji, Tonga, and Samoa (and Hawaii) before--I miss travelling. I've been telling myself I should, but my fucking company only gives 40 hours paid time off a year, damn it!!! Well, not after Sept 15th! :(

I don't know what to do. I COULD just find a second, shit job in the mornings, but I really feel betrayed and treated like a piece of dirt--sure, I learned valuable skills and was exposed to so many perks, and for that I'm grateful. But why should I stay with a company that wants to use me for making more money, but refuses to offer me a living wage or healthcare?

The fucking rug has been pulled out from under me.

Crisis = opportunity. Anything could happen!

Life is full of doors--but the hallway is hell. Keep moving!!

Sigh. Life just got harder--so much for the high life when I was making $2200 a month and paying $470 for rent, back with the BF (now rent is $625 and I'll be pulling in about $1200, ha ha ha).
 
girl put the word out. that's my advice. you did meet people in this industry. just pout the word out that you're available...that the conditions in current firm are not sattisfactory. treat this crisis as professional and yes it will turn into an opportunity. i have no doubt you'll rise out of this a winner, jno matter how the situation may seem shitty at the moment.
as for the bf...most men when they feel the taste of freedom back feel like kings and on top of the world for a while. you can't do much about it really. you can scream, end it or just plain wait to see how things evolve from here.

you just keep being strong val. everything will be all right.

hugs,
Lena
 
Valerie I'm so sorry. My stomach dropped when I read that they're halving your hours and withdrawing the benefits. How is that even possible? Did they expect you to be okay with that? It's absurd. You CERTAINLY need to go where you're appreciated. Especially in an atmosphere and environment such as selling wine, someone like you is considered gold (not everyone has your knowledge, but more importantly social skills and personality). They are blatantly trying to squeeze you out and not reimburse you. I'm happy you have some options though, and that you're considering your opportunities.
 
:hug2: Whatever you are going through, you will be ok.
And sometimes when everything seems to be coming at a close all at once, it's because something REALLY great is going to happen.Life has a way of just making room for new opportunities sometimes. And while I know this seems very scary, you will be FINE. You are articulate, strong, and very motivated.
So if you feel betrayed, you need to figure out how to fix this. If talking to someone above you at work could help(often if they hear how you feel, they will try to work it out or give you a counter offer). Maybe another winery would be best for you-MAYBE there is an even better job just about to pop up! Or maybe traveling is the answer. It's all up to you. If you travel or move-you dont have such strong ties with your bf, and it would be a cleaner break.
Hun, i know it's scary not knowing where you are going to end up- I have been there recently. And the most important thing I learned from it is to be GENTLE to yourself, and dont let it take your good days away from you. I promise, you will be fine, just take your time and make the right decisions. You have almost a month before this change is going to happen at work, and even after that, if you are able to you can just take a little break from working so hard. Maybe if they let you, you could take that vacation NOW, before it's taken away from you.

You know what you are passionate about- open yourself up to opportunities, and they will present themselves in ways you wont believe.

Hugs!!!!
 
Wow, CG,

What scumbags!

But when you wrote "Crisis = Opportunity" you nailed it. With an attitude like that you will land on your feet successfully.

Take some time to make your decision, do what you want to do and if you don't yet know what that is, don't sweat it. You will figure it out.

But what creeps! I'd have a hard time not telling them to take their part time, bullshit, no benefits job, lube it up good with vaseline and shove it so far up their a$$es that they gag on it backwards!

Or something like that... (too strong?...maybe)

David C
 
Everyone: Thank you so much, you all mean a lot to me.

The business (wine brokerage) is small and owned by WOMEN, and it was the Pres whom I thought was almost like a friend, who decided this. That's why it's so harsh!!! SO yes, I feel FUCKED.

Oh my god. Yesterday me and the BF had such a great time, and then in the evening we started fighting and he walked out on me. But then he came back. We talked and basically he admitted he can't forget all the negativity, and he'll be resentful enough where he can't let go of it. He said that the entire time we've been together we have fought every so often (true) and he doesn't think it will work. I begged him to break up with me, because I can't bring myself to do that, not right now when I feel so vulnerable and worried for the future. He wouldn't. I told him it gives me false hope, and is he stringing me along? NO. He slept over, but wouldn't cuddle, and I asked him "What now?" and he didn't want to talk yet. He's sleeping now.

Folks, this is possibly one of the worse periods in my life, because I put such emphasis on STABILITY and SECURITY. I have neither--I don't know if I can even afford to live here in this beautiful house in the hills. I'd have to move AGAIN if I can't afford it.

I need definite PLANS to feel secure and good. I don't know what I'm going to do, and also with the BF nothing I say has any impact on him--this morning I woke with the same terrible, shitty feeling I had been having when I woke up alone and scared and missing him and the good times. I KNOW that I'm going to wake up feeling this way for a long time.

I wish, that I could be more optimistic right now. As a pragmatic person, I see this:

I will be free from the BF soon, and I will move one

I will make the decision to either find a second job, or a new one all together and everything will be fine.

I'll decide if I want to stay here, or move, and if I move, it won't be such a big deal because I'm not particularly attached to this place even though I like it.

The horrible sinking feeling of sadness and loss and worry will go away....but I tell you, in the meantime, it's like, devastating :(

Sorry to be a downer--I feel better getting it out. Time to face a new day then!
 
I think one thing that is a definite guarantee is that staying at your current job part-time, and basically accepting a demotion, is a NON-STARTER and NOT AN OPTION. Not only does this job not pay the bills, but it also limits and hinders, rather than enhances, your career goals and options.

They may have their reasons or none at all, but I wouldn't go out on a hostile note. You dont want to ruin a good reference and you never know who you need or run into down the line.

But I would immediately and actively start looking for something else full-time that can elevate you on your career. Keep your options open and be creative. Sometimes you never know what industry you end up in next. I would keep the feelers out in all the locations you mentioned and see where the best job pops up. You can then find a room like you did here and start fresh. If you want some ideas on your resume, I'll be happy to take a look (though I have no doubt from your writing skills that you can come up with a great resume).

Or you could just go traveling like you said :). I once took a year off and did tons of traveling (when I was 24).

I love how you've thought of a wide and interesting range of options.
 
Claudia: Thank you so much sweetheart!!!

The BF and I broke up this morning!!​

On good terms!!! I'm happy and relieved. It's over, but it's over mutually with love and repect.

We are NOT going to see each other or contact each other for 2 weeks, and then we'll email how we're doing. If we need more time away, we'll take another 2 weeks. If we want to visit, we'll do that. If we want to be BF and GF again, we'll do that. We will NOT do anything if it isn't mutual, save for one wants to see each other and the other one doesn't, the person who DOESN'T want contact gets her/his way.


About my job.

It is time. It is time to follow my heart, and do what I want to do.

I want to work at a real winery, selling or making wine.

How am I going to do it? There are many ways. I'm going to talk to every winemaker I know for advice, and I'm going to explore all possible avenues, but ultimately I think I'm going to Napa, going to school--sommelier school and/or Wine Specialist school. Sure I may be POOR and broke, but things will come through for me.

Office work is not for me. Occasionally pouring is great, but in office work I can't shine, and I don't really MAKE anything, and I'm under the thumb of my control freak manager who doesn't even like me.


UP and DOWN, right now I feel relieved, happy, hopeful, and great.
 
Yesterday and today I weigh 144 lbs, and I may not be able to afford to eat great for a while :( But the important thing is happiness right now. I'm not leaving WLF, but my focus may not be on weightloss at this moment.
 
Well Congrats and condolences, whichever is fitting. Likely a smidgen of both.

You've a great, healthy attitude, you'll be fine!

David C.
 
A small rant about men

Perhaps too much male-bashing goes on in WLF. I apologize, I don't dislike "men" per se, I just happen to have a problem with cerain aspects of men at this precise moment--and not all, just the men in my life.

Since I've been breaking up with Nat, men have been sort of like vultures. At 2 different bars, a man has eavesdropped, found out I was going through rough times, and solicited me for SEX. One of my best male friends, in the heighth of my woe over the BF a few weeks ago, admitted he's in love with me and has tried to kiss me several times--even bruising my lip once in a rush or passion (as I shirked away disgusted). He acutally tried to kiss me tonight when I was hanging out with him to show there was no hard feelings (am going to take a BREAK from him!) Our goddam housemate, who, when I cried on his shoulder last night, in his arms, admitted (with my body completely at his mercy against his chest) that he is "attracted" to me :( My dear, dear friend Lucas even, after chatting and him helping me feel better, admitted he finds me attractive. ANd when I collapsed in his arms, in my car, and cuddled, needy and loving the way he stroked my hair, said that he was "just a man" and had reached his "limit." I got up immediately. Then when I left I hugged him and he tried to kiss me! And immediately apologized, horrified what he had done. I was understanding and not angry--but secretly shocked and scared.

Why is a mourning woman attractive, guys? Does it turn you on to be big and comforting and a shoulder to cry on? Is it "sexy" in some way, when a woman is at her weakest and begging for solace, for comfort, for a loving touch?

I'm not hatin'. On a level I'm deeply flattered that I inspire some kind of love in people, whether the men are confused or just listening to their penises, I dunno. But 90% of me is in despair--once again, I can't rely on men for solace or anything, I'm too weak to deny for much longer. I vowed chasity with this breakup because it's not healthy to "hook up" when I'm hurting and pining over my lost love. I need to be a bitch or something, and just yell "Keep Out and leave me ALONE!" It's getting hard, so hard not to seek out a man to sleep next to, for comfort--and the problem is while I wish it could be innocent....I learned when I was still 17 that you can't just sleep next to many men.



Sigh.



I have not exercised since Wednesday. I have eaten too much today. Tomorrow I need to get back into the swing of things. The mourning is over. It's ALL over.

As for the job, no stressing for a little while. Resume and job hunting, I'll do in a week. No real hurry.
 
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Male: A life support system for a penis.

Always open with a joke. But on a serious note, men are both remarkably simple and very complicated. I'm sure you've heard the joke, men have only two emotions, horny and hungry, so if yours doesn't have an erection, make him a sandwich. It is based on truth. This is the rat brain, unencumbered by high level, cerebral thinking, all cerebellum.

The deal is that many men find it difficult to show tenderness, I suspect it's worse in men without children, as kids tend to yank it out of you, but it's common enough. One of the "safe" places for us to be all intimate, cuddly and tender is in bed. But it's hard, literally. Our "rat" brain that responds to food and sex kicks in more or less automatically.

We are unaccustomed to the closeness and tenderness of nurturing somebody physically, hugging, cuddling and the rush of emotion that goes with helping a friend through a rough place. Guys don't do this with other guys, so when it's a woman needing closeness and comfort, it is confusing to us.

The only other place in our lives where we deal effectively with this level of emotion is in bed.

I also believe (and many will argue, but I'm right :) ) that close male-female relationships have some level of physical, sexual attraction. That gets in the way of comforting a female friend if the physicality goes beyond an arm around the shoulders.

I also suspect that the guys you turned to do have, at some level romantic feelings/fantasies about you. You are beautiful and lively and sexy.

Now, should they be true friends, go to a high place, ignore their feelings and rat brain and not act predatory when you are in need? Absolutely! But again, it's hard.

But the guy at the bar, that was pure predator. Still, I am surprised by how many of your friends did this.

It is hard to find guys who can take the high road. Because, like Rita Rudner once said: "all the attractive, kind, intelligent, emotionally confident men already have boyfriends"

David
 
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