Sorry for the long post!
Most of this week I have felt drowned in an emotional low. I have not yet been able to bounce back to the happy me after my time away at Ayers Rock, which is most likely the result of an unfortunate argument with my room mate that arose last Tuesday evening whilst we were at the Outback Hotel. Yes I had a great time whilst away & had an experience I'll never forget, but at the same time I had to hide under the hurt I felt after an argument erupted with one of my good friends at work.
Let me give you a run down on the sitch - since I have been on the Cohens Program, I have restricted my social life the bare minimum. Sometimes you have to focus on yourself and let the rest of the world carry on, knowing that it will always be there for you to go back to & those friends who are really friends will be there for you at the end when you are free to eat & drink like they do.
Like the black plague, I have avoided attending things like BBQ's & birthday morning tea's at work for the sake of my inner fear that I will re-gain the weight I've lost and not be able to live life like I truly want to. Most of the time when Im offered to go for a coffee at work or have morning tea 'slices' with the girls I say NO - and it really does put a dampner on my mood, but at the same time I try to pick myself up emotionally and just carry on - sometimes its just not that easy, when losing weight (like any of you other 'larger' girls would know) you carry a lot of emotional baggage with you. Everything is a challenge, the smallest decisions take the greatest amount of will power and the smallest signs of improvement make your insides dance around. To those of you who have come from using a 'bath sheet' as your regular towel or buying clothes just because they fit not because their stylish will know what Im talking about.
So back to my story - I went out to dinner with 130 other staff at the Outback Hotel. Whilst literally every other person around me enjoyed themselves & drank the night away with alcoholic beverages, I must of sipped down 3 x 1L bottles of water waiting for the bus to come pick me up. For dinner, I chose barramundi fish with a plate full of salad hoping that it would get me through the night - but things didnt go so smoothly. My friend must of offered me 30+ times to fill my glass up with wine/champagne, each time I politely said no thanks & wanted to run home. Then I got bagged out about drinking so much water "Is that all your bloody gana drink - c'mon have just 1 glass of wine". Then I got a sarcastic earful about not eating ALL of the salad on my plate. Emotionally I had reached the end of my tither, and I had another few hours to go, so then a few times I got the question of "whats worng, your not talking, are you in a mood with me?", "fine just be rude and dont talk to anyone - your pathetic", "whats your problem Mel, whats with the mood". Somehow, I sat quietly through it without much of a response. We finally got back to the resort and I was walking to my room when I heard my friend say "Mel have you got YOUR key?", we were walking quite a distance apart so I yelled back & said 'Yes' I have the key. I then assumed that she was going to a friends room to carry on the night, so I went back to my room, got changed into comfortable walking clothes and headed off for a walk to clear my head. Within about 10mins I get a call on my mobile "Mel, where the F*** are you?, Are you in the Room? I've been at the door knocking for ages, why dont you answer the door". Took a big gulp & said "Im just going for a walk, give me a few mins & I can be back at the room to open the door for you". So I got back to the room. She had disappeared. I opened the door. I sat on the bed & waited....... she rocks up, straight away says "look I know your in a bloody mood with me, just snap out of it - blah blah, can't believe you didnt have anything to drink tonight, why didnt you talk to EVERYONE around you - thats so rude, whats your problem". Argh!! I was sharing a room with someone who I thought was a friend, who I confinded in & she had turned into an agressive nut case. I told her I wasnt in a mood, I was just upset & that I found the night to be a challenge for me because of xyz reasons regarding socialising when Im on this program" - but no answer was going to be good enough for her so she ripped into me even more and it went on and on and on. She must of got tired of her own voice after a while so she had a bath for over an hour and 5 mins after that it was like she had a split personality change and reverted back to the 'nice' self, acting all innocent and kind, offered to watch a movie with me & then offered to RAID the Mini Bar with me - PUHLEASSEEE - at this point all I wanted to do was change rooms. Silence set in the next day between us, I woke up early and spent a few hours by the pool. We've had a few small talk conversations since but haven't spoken about what happened really - she sort of said sorry not using the words 'im sorry' - she admitted what she had done was wrong - but to me it was still a cop out. I wont try to dwell on this anymore, just had to vent!!
Besides all that, the rest of the week was great. I went to 'Sounds of Silence' which was a beautiful candle lit dinner the desert under the stars, had a tour of the cultural centre in the national park, toured Ayers Rock & the Olga's, went Camel riding in the desert, sat by the pool at the resort soaking up the sun, in between all that I got up the courage to taste the tucker of the out-back and had some kangaroo, emu, crocidle & camel meat! The flys are in their billions up there so you need to wear a Fly-Net most of the time - best investment ever!
Now to the numbers game - I put on 1.6kg during my week away, which in my eyes wasn't too bad at all. However the food I ate just felt like it bound up my insides in agony & I felt bloated all the time. I lost the most of the weight that I had gained in about 48hrs after returning home, and hopefully tomorrow I should be back down to 94 or even under. Im on my home run now with only 27kg to go until I finish so I've got to keep the momentum up & remember my goals. I've got to stay focused and not get discouraged by small losses because every little bit counts. I've got 206 days left until I get married & I want to be the beautiful slim bride I've always dreamt of being.
Myshy & Nat - Congratulations to both of you for completing the re-feed. What has the 'after-life' been like for both of you? Does you feel more conscious about the food your eating at all? I bet it is strange not to weigh your food anymore. Im looking forward to having some 'normality' back in my life once I finish.
Ciao for now.
Mel
