Cate's Diary

Glad that your mood is picking up again, I've enjoyed your comments today on my diary and others! Humour helps big time! :) I'm sending good vibes to you and R. Try not to let your imagination run wild and take it day by day.
 
Thanks, Jen. Not eating would be a sure sign. I don't want to leave the decision too long as I don't want her suffering. We'll play it by ear xo
Thanks, Marsia. Today will be about doing nice, relaxing things (after we have done the tournament draw). I have a fluffy book to finish that I started last night after I stressed out (over another very prominent tattoo of Anthony Bourdain that R has just got on top of his right hand). I paced the stress out & talked out loud & said "It's just a bloody tattoo" quite a few times, found the book, turned the TV off & switched off my brain. I definitely need to find a meditation class. I was able to make myself get over it though & just showed G & calmed him down by saying "We love R. It's just another tattoo". He hasn't much available space. I asked him a couple of years ago to not get any tattoos on his neck, face or head & I really hope he doesn't. That would really make me cry. It's his birthday today. He's 36.
Thanks, Em. My first inclination in diaries is to be very cheeky, but then I usually moderate myself. It's mostly a good thing as sometimes there are swear words in there. What comes into my brain quickly is usually best kept to myself. I don't cope well personally with harsh criticism so don't usually dish it out.
I really am trying not to let my imagination run wild & to take things day by day. I'm a bit better again today.
Hi, Marsia. I like it too :)

Because I feel perfectly comfortable here & my diary is my therapy I think you all get to know exactly how I am feeling, rather than the version others get. I really appreciate the feedback & support I get here & value my friendships here as they are genuine. I am more me here than I am "in real life".
I will get some help with learning strategies to cope with R's illness. I have an ap't with my GP on the 4th Dec & will ask for a referral to a psych & this time, I will wait for an ap't, even if it takes 2 months.
I'll pop back later. I have messaged R for his birthday & am going to try ringing him at 10, as he suggested. I don't think his phone is working, but at least I can contact him via messenger. He plans on coming up for a visit at the end of next week.
 
Hi Cate,

I think it's great you have a place to be open and vulnerable. Before this I really only had journaling, which also helps me a lot. I was also thinking maybe you might try yoga as it is very meditative (if you don't have one of those ultra-skinny, militant teachers) and you can actually stretch out the tension you are holding in your muscles. I like Iyengar yoga especially because they hold poses a long time and really talk about all the little muscles involved in a pose so you can really deeply relax.

I would have trouble with accepting prominent tattoos, too. I think you are doing good dealing with the stress. At least on his hand, he could have it sand blasted if needed. It's funny, your son sort of reminds me of my mom in a way - totally impractical and often leaping before looking. I am also learning to distance and let my mom make the mistakes she is inevitably going to make because she feels controlled if I try to help and wouldn't listen unless in just the right mood. So I have to learn to save my breath and only protest at the super important life threatening things she is thinking of doing. In a way, it is freeing because I can't be a parent to her my whole life, and she gets to grow up and learn from her mistakes this way. So I feel more empowered letting her learn from her decisions and not letting myself be drawn in to big messes. I actually like her more when I don't try to get her to be reasonable, because I don't have to try to change the parts of her that are intractible and basically in rebellion from my very practical grandparents, who are actually long dead, but she is still in opposition to. Thank goodness my daughter has common sense so I don't have to go through this again later in life! An 80 year old rebellious teen is a pain in the butt!

I hope all goes well with the phone call or messaging, and that you can find healthy ways of detatching and focusing more on you and your husband and taking good care of each other. The rest is probably largely out of your hands, anyway - like that 12 step saying, "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, ..."
 
I think you're right, Marsia & our circumstances are quite similar. I am going to make sure I step back. " the serenity to accept the things I can't change" is the path I need to find. I would love to try yoga again. I haven't tried it since I was in my early 20's. I loved it back then. I'll go have another look to see what I can find. His phone is not working so I have communicated again via messaging & said: "have fun". I tell him I love him every time we communicate. Every single time.
 
Hi cate just catching up on all you wrote . I'm always mesmerised when I log in how busy everyone has been and finds time to diary it all too .
Regarding the tattoo yes that's all it is a tattoo . I personally don't get them or body piercings except for ears but I understand every bodies choices to do what they want .
What I like about your son is his apparent close connection to you and G and he can tell you stuff and you don't judge . You are there for him at every turn and twist in his life and it appears you are his safe place .
Hope you feel well today and have an enjoyable day
 
Hey Cate ,
What diet you are on ?
I have tried couple of different one and the best one for me is the keto diet and specially if it is combined with intermittent fasting .
Lost about 35-40 lb few years ago without having to be hungry all the time :) .
Well ... recently I have gained some back and starting again :) .
Let me know if you need some info about it
 
The tattoo doesn't seem like a great life choice, but I'm sure there's going to be technology in the future that will make removing tattoos a lot easier, considering the amount of young people that get excessive amounts of them.
 
Hi, edie. I'm not on any specific diet right now as I am taking a 2 week break, due to stress. When I do it will most probably be 5:2, but won't be keto.
Hi, Misty. Thanks sweetie xoxo
Hi, Em. I can't imagine him changing his mind about tattoos. His life story is mapped out on his body. Although I really dislike his body being covered in tattoos I love him & must respect that it is his body. I'm glad that he is still alive!
I had another good night's sleep & am off to play at the local club. It is patron's day & he & his wife have asked me a few times if I would play, so I feel obliged to.
I'm also playing tomorrow in our social group.
I'll tell myself it will be good for me!
 
Maybe you can picture the ball as some of your frustrations and really whack them far! Hope you have a good day of exercise and socializing!
 
Not good I'm afraid! I abandoned after 6 holes & am currently sitting in my car reading the paper. I really, really feel like being a hermit. I just can't seem to relax & I don't want to be in company.
 
I have a few tats, and if I could do it all over again ... meh. But if my daughter started getting them I would totally freak out, so I completely understand where you are coming from! Have you tried Michael Sealey on Youtube? I seriously love that man.
 
Maybe you are trying to relax and what you need is to express first. Maybe it would help just writing this out and putting down every frustration and everything that is making you tense without editing? Sometimes I just need to do that, and it helps a lot just to validate how I am really feeling, and it even helps because I can get out all the conflicting feelings, too.
 
I have to say I'm with Cate and I become a hermit when all gets too much for me . I'm not sure if it's good or not but it's what I do . I do have a good friend I can talk to about anything though and there is nothing we can't talk about so that's great . I suppose that's where a counsellor comes in perhaps .
Usually though one day I will wake up and things will feel brighter and each day a little better .
Cate you are doing great . Keep plugging on one day at a time . Sending you a big hug
 
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