"Big Girls (You are Beautiful" <-- Mika's song: Nataliejo's Diary.

My bf may be breaking up with me, or it might be a effort by both of us.

He wants to live in Everett NOW... but I don't have the funds.
I have some medical things I need to work out. I have bills. I am on SSDI, I am working towards my education in a University up here. I have two years under my belt so far... and have about three to go. I take my time. I guess I am just only able to fit so many classes in a year, it depends on what they are offering really. Sometimes I can only take one class a term, because they aren't offering any other core classes that term, which cuts the number of classes accomplished down from eight to seven. I have four terms by the way, eight week courses. And it stinks, but this is my education. This is my life. And I am not going to turn it upside down for him and his wants. He is being so selfish. He wants a woman that will work full time .. NOW and will help him pay for HIS condominium he is about to buy ... He said the most rudest thing to me today .."Maybe I need to look for a woman who will work full time!"
ugh .. I don't need this hanging over my head

he has told me in past times that I am not worth anything, that I am not good enough for him, that I have to lose weight to be able to be with him. And he won't be with me unless I am working. He won't marry unless I meet his qualifications ..and that hurts ... but its a fact of his life.

I can't put up with him much more longer...

I need to exercise, but I have been dealing with him all day .. I am just so emotional and tuckered out... I am sure all the girls can agree... all of you ...that I am in a nasty little mess ...


We have been together for three and a half years .. I don't know how I am going to move on ..but I think I should and think of myself and my degree and my weight ..and deal with relationship stuff later in my life... and I have maybe wasted part of my time by being with him ... ugh

hope someone responds ..
ttylater
will update later on exercise that I choose to do and what not ..just needed to vent ..

always
natalie jo
 
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he has told me in past times that I am not worth anything, that I am not good enough for him, that I have to lose weight to be able to be with him. And he won't be with me unless I am working. He won't marry unless I meet his qualifications ..and that hurts ... but its a fact of his life.
Click to expand...

I feel the need to cuss incessantly in his direction.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love and accept youo for who you are NOW... He's not worth it...

Your boyfriend should be a friend.. a friend tells you that you have value and doesn't tell you that you aren't worth anything.

You aren't goo enough for him? Kiss my ass, he's not good enough for you - hello, door, don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out the door..
 
I need to exercise, but I have been dealing with him all day .. I am just so emotional and tuckered out... I am sure all the girls can agree... all of you ...that I am in a nasty little mess ...
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theres nothing nasty about you.. and you aren't a mess..

We have been together for three and a half years .. I don't know how I am going to move on ..but I think I should and think of myself and my degree and my weight ..and deal with relationship stuff later in my life... and I have maybe wasted part of my time by being with him ... ugh
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You move on by putting one foot in front of the other... spend time taking care of yourself and gettin yuorself to where you want to be.. it's not time wasted if you learned something about yourself - you learned that you have value and don't deseerve to be treatd like crap.
 
I agree with Mal. You don't deserve to be spoken to in that manner. No one does. He should accept and love you for who you are. Love is supposed to be unconditional. He shouldn't put conditions on who you have to be to be with him. Your education and your health are very important to you and therefore should be important to him. One thing that I have learned in life is that we all experience many things some good and some bad. And quite a few we wish were different but NONE of them were a waste of time because we learn something from each of them (sometimes the lesson takes awhile to hit us). Keep your chin up and keep working.

If you just need to chat you can pm me anytime.

~Jenna
 
Hey guys,
thanks for the support...
We are kind of like hanging on ..
he is coming up this weekend and we are going to go bike riding and maybe swimming ...
I am not going to put up with too much from him ...
but I could use someone to just hang out with and go bike riding with ...

and I will most likely visit him during the summer, but in no way am I going to give up what I believe in... or do ...

I am going to work this weight off for me and maybe someday I will be able to see exactly what is going on in this relationship we have built around each other ... but I think I am just going to live day by day and
just ..bike ride ..and walk and not really care what goes on between him and I ...
He says he loves me, and wants me to stay with him, but not if I am paying my mother for rent and what not ...so if I am paying my mother he wants me to stay up here and see him on the weekends ... which I think is a fine idea ... I have to take care of my cat and guinea pig ... they are both very important to me ..
I don't know exactly what is going to go down this summer ...but I think we will end up going our separate ways

Well anyway .. I am not going to put up with his bs ...... and I told him that ...and he just wants me to visit on weekends ... which I think is just perfect for me .. I don't want to live with him ... I think we will end up going on our separate ways ...but I think I will be ready than ... right now ... he is just my bike partner ..

anyway ttylater
always
natalie jo
 
Okay .. I am feeling better...

I think I will be just fine ..
My mom finally bought ice ..so now I can have all my drinks on ice ..
yea!!

She kind of surprised me today .. I thought for sure she was going to pass insults at me and what not ...and she was about toooo
but I just put my hand up and later she came back ..I explained everything and is completely fine with it and treating me rather nicely ...

she actually handled everything well ... she let me handle it ...and I did the best I could and as days go on and what not .. I will handle many things better ... probably one day a break up ..but for now .. I am not going to dread that day ..just enjoy the bike rides and the beach ..

anyway ttylater guys
always
natalie jo
 
I figured something out today in my ramblings at trying to create a diary entry that was just too big ..

That I was molested at nine, could be the reason I don't feel worthy and gained weight, intentionally.

I still feel the shame ...
The shame that something important was taken from me... the shame that something like that happened to me ..the shame my sister was involved at so little an age ...that Mindy did that to us ...

and even though I walked the lonesome street down to my mom's house that night when I realized Mindy was wrong ...
I realized I needed to keep myself and my sister away from her
my sister still blames me ... I didnt know till now ..she tells all her friends .. I feel ripped of my stability I so want ...damaged good ..damaged sister ..damaged name...

ahhhh ... now .. I dont need that shame anymore ...
I am walking forward now ..and leaving the past behind ...
I am going to tell my therapist about it ..
the reason I gained was because I didnt want to be attractive, so not to get raped .. I am over that and now I want to be in shape ... but it will be a long journey ..

Mal ..thanks for your story

always
natalie jo
__________________
 
Sorry about what I posted guys ..
it was just a bunch of revelations ...

thanks
I hope you guys tell me its inapropriate if it is ..
thanks

always
natalie jo
 
Hi Natalie,

I don't think what you have written was inappropriate. Those are very deep and important feelings. Its your journal and you should feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. Those are very important revalations. Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing them with us. It is going to be a long journey but as it progresses you will become stronger and stronger.

~Jenna
 
Boam46 said:
Hi Natalie,

I don't think what you have written was inappropriate. Those are very deep and important feelings. Its your journal and you should feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. Those are very important revalations. Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing them with us. It is going to be a long journey but as it progresses you will become stronger and stronger.

~Jenna
Click to expand...

Hey Jenna...
thanks for responding ..
I think it might have been too much information for this forum and for my public diary. But it is something that bothered me today and something I have been thinking about today and I truly believe for a while I was eating to mask myself so I wouldn't get all the whistles and cat calls anymore.. I almost felt like a slut when I was younger. Old men around forty would look at my body ..check me out and my mother would tell me ... and I was put my head down and try to hide my chest and walk scrunched over ... it was rather scary thinking some forty year old guy was looking at a twelve year old kid .. I was frightened ..all the stories that went around about people ..pedophiles ... I was a disaster and basket case ...but I have been dealing with it slowly and I don't really want to hide behind a mask .. I want to be true to myself .. I guess the whistles and cat calls weren't so bad .. I sometimes did enjoy them... hmm ... something to think about ... I am worthy of my dreams coming true and I will make every dream I have come true ..
I am going to put more pics up tomorrow afternoon .. should be fun .. I have a recent pic of me ...it looks horrible ...but makes a great before picture .. lmao

ttylater
always
natalie jo :)
 
Hey nat (I hope it's ok I call you that)

Just thought I'd drop by and see how your journal is going. I agree with the others, I think self reflection is very important, and where else can you do it if not in your own journal, right?

I think I can identify with you in your earlier posts when you say you feel embarrassed going out in public, I feel that way ALL the time. My extra weight makes me feel so ugly and not very confident. I've always been called the chubby kid, always the one to have my cheeks pinched, I've had everyone from coworkers to my ex comment about my weight- which is great, ok, yeah so you have told me it's an issue, but you're not helping me deal with it. Recently a friend called me voluptuous- God, I could just smack her in the face but she's a good friend. I'm so tired of my prettier friends getting male attention...it's just blah! Sorry..rambled a bit there.

Anyways, point is, don't be scared of telling anyone who you are. Don't be ashamed of yourself. As long as you're working towards a new and better you, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You seem to have been through a lot when you were younger and it is great to see you're working through those problems. Yes, we are all a product of our past, but we can't let the past determine what we want to be in this present moment or in the future. Hang in there girl friend, you're doing great, keep it up! Oh, and do swing by my journal if you ever feel like ;)
 
Good Morning Nataliejo,

I love your positive attitude. You have come to some painful and difficult realizations in the last day and you are still thinking forward. That is great. You are brave to post pictures. I wont even take any. I'm sure I'll be disappointed when I do lose all this weight and I don't have any before picutres but right now I think that's something I can live with. Keep up with all your hard work (physically and emotionally) and your great attitude and you'll start seeing wonderful results.

ttys,
~Jenna
 
Thanks Misty and Jenna for writing in my journal ... I think I scared everyone away .. I may have triggered some thoughts to people and maybe I should have put trigger in some way on the diary post ... hmmm thats what we do at my other forums ... I will think of it next time ...

but anyway .. I have lost six pounds this week ... hmmm is this normal anyone.. Mal ..anyone?

I have just been eating fruit and small bowls of cereal because theres nothing much around the house.. I am not near a supermarket .. I was thinking of getting a small veggie sub at the corner store ... it seems like my only way to get something to eat right now ..

Called my mom and told her we need food ...she bought me strawberries ...just finished off three little apricots and some blueberries ... what now?
I think I will go up there for a veggie sub .. I am soo hungry ... I am going to drink some water ... maybe that will make me feel full ..hmm ..

ttylater guys

now I am at 293 pounds ..probably go back once I eat normal ...lol but I think that is just fine .. I was at a healthy 295 ..with eating deli meats ..just not alot ... but now ... I only have fruit ... lol so I have gone down two more pounds ..which I am not happy about ...because it might come back double fold ...but I will just work it off the right way than ..

ttylater guys

always
natalie jo
 
are you keeping track of your calories that you're eating in a day? and making sure you're eating enough?

6lbs in one week at your current weight isn't a bad thing, but don't expect big losses like that regularly - at the beginning, you tend to lose more becaue you're being more careful and it's often water weight that you lose.

A reasonable goal, to me anyhow, is 1 percent of your body weight a week...
 
nataliejo said:
Sorry about what I posted guys ..
it was just a bunch of revelations ...

thanks
I hope you guys tell me its inapropriate if it is ..
thanks

always
natalie jo
Click to expand...

Don't ever be sorry for what you write, and there's very little that's inappropriate around here :)

what's on your mind is a big part of the weight loss journey - and getting soome clarity on those thoughts helps immensely...
 
In the off topic section of the weight loss forum Mal has a thread ..check it out ..you are supposed to copy and paste this to your diary or journal and answer questions ..the thread is called "Getting to know you.."


WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? yes .. my German Jewish grandfather
Nathaniel Joseph Beinhorn
Never met him ..but he sounds like he was a good man and I love him.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday, little fight with the bf. BUT all is good.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes I do actually. I am such a perfectionist sometimes, especially with the handwriting.


WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Buffalo Chicken from Market Basket ...

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope and never will due to medical ...

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes I would. I care greatly for my friends and would do just about anything for them. I cherish my friends greatly. I think friends can be the most beautiful people in the world.

DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Quite a bit actually. Off the computer people can get annoyed with me. Or I talk alot, which is kind of obvious. :rotflmao:

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yep, but they need to be taken out... 29 and they haven't fully grown out ... I guess their on their way out :)

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Nope.. I have seen incidents where people hit the bridges.. but I once thought of jumping from a plane with of course ..the right gear.

BAD HABITS?
sometimes I don't say no to bad food ...but don't we all sometimes do that.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Cheerios with only one or two grams of sugar. They are good.. filling...

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
nope, just kick the shoes off ...

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I think I may be strong emotionally, but I don't know if I am strong enough physically, which does matter to me ..

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Friendlies ... anything from Friendlies ..lmao
especially a peanut butter cup sundae, with marshmallow sos and hot fudge ... When I go out .. I sometimes treat myself .. I am now doing this once a month ..so I don't binge on it .. I think its a good idea....

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their physical actions, the way they talk, accents. Says a lot .. took a lot of psych...lol

VELVET OR SILK?
Velvet ..hmm.. I love velvet...

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My weaknesses to food and to myself... I beat myself over the head sometimes with so many things ...but I do get ...back up again!

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

My silly bf who has aspergers. He is not a charmer, but he can be so warm and gentle. And he is a great bike partner .. he rocks as a cyclist ...tells me he believes in me and I can do ANYTHING I want to .. I think he believes I am superwoman or something ..

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am wearing long shorts down to my knees so I walk better
and a purple laced tank top for walking ..today is my walking and weight lifting day ... goals to meet!


FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
I love anytime of day...except before ten am ..but the rest is wonderful ...

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
blueberries

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
the fan and my typing

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
a brilliant blue ..so deep ..so sky ..so brilliant ... like an ocean...

FAVORITE SMELLS?
The rain or before the rain, when the wind is whipping and thunder is near. :)

ONE WORD DESCRIPTION OF YOURSELF?
determined :)

THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My bf who apologized profusely and actually told me he was in love with me... I was shocked ....

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Red Sox!

CHERISHED CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
not childhood memory, but the day I met Alex. Everything seemed to change than. Anything was possible. Our first date was wonderful And the next date I kept falling flat on my face on a ski slope, as he says, I can do anything! lol

HAIR COLOR?
auburn, brunette, kind of like a mix.. very red!
but I tan well.. must be the genes ...
nothing like a little eastern european blood mixed with red hair .. :)

DIGITAL OR ANALOG?
Digital

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
nope, just glasses
WHERE DO OBTAIN THE LATEST NEWS?
Fox news , I know, I know. I am a democrat however, but Bill is too funny!

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy ending.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Guardian, and Annaopolis.

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
purple lol deep purple

TOY YOU WOULD STILL PLAY WITH?
blocks

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, but winter will do..lol

HUGS OR KISSES?
BOTH!

FAVORITE DESSERT?
Ice Scream from famed Friendlies. Won't take it any other, plus there are no left overs, can't take it home.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I want to start reading The Anita Blake series again. They have vampires and zombies in it..lol

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
weather channel

FAVORITE SOUNDS?
music


THE ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
I cannot live with out either. both on LP and very valuable in every way.

FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?
Michigan

SPECIAL TALENT?
I always see things in a positive way, no end to positivity.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Queens, NYC
GLASS HALF-FULL OR HALF-EMPTY?
Half Full :)

FAVORITE SUPERHERO?
Spiderman

ORANGE OR PURPLE?
purple.
__________________
 
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Thank you Mal!

Thank you Mal for your response.. :)
I was afraid I might have triggered some people to their own past memories or things they might want to forget and shove back down for another day ..

Thank you so much to everyone :)

always
natalie jo :)
 
nataliejo said:
Hey peeps... lol
How are you doing? Thank you so much for writing in my diary, it makes me feel like people here really care. No one responds back to me, I guess its because I am a newbie .. I remember when I started on DBSA ..Depression Bipolar Support Alliance forum, crazy there, with a ton of crazy people, just like me! :jump:
jk :)


I need to check out that forum.

You sound like a terrific girl making heroic efforts just like the rest of us. I found the first month or two so slow but then it got easier as I learned to eat. Now I'm justkinda doing it automatically.

Way to go on posting lots in your diary. You've got great support from Anna 2Skinny, she is awesome.

You're a reader? I'm a reader too. Also bipolar. I will check out that forum.
Click to expand...
 
Are you noticing your clothes getting looser yet?

Bike riding is awesome. I'm doing that and I love the leg workout, which improves walking. Its neat how it all works together to increased health and fitness.

Saw that forum, bookmarked it, but I'd rather be here!
 
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