Becoming me again. Lilyofthevalley's Diary

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Lilyofthevalley

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I am starting over. I lost 50 pounds, but slipped back into binge eating habits and gained 20. I have decided to reinvent myself, and I do not take that lightly. I am going to make an effort to stop bingeing. I will see this effort through, and I will not give up, even if I slip and lose my way, I will focus and reestablish my path. I know I will have difficulties, that is expected, but I will face down my demons and be calm, without the constant thoughts of food I currently suffer through. I will get in touch with my emotions and figure out why I eat, what I feel when I eat, and how full I am. I will no longer obsess about food, or anything. I will start enjoying my life, and eat to live, not live to eat.

With that said, there are some things you should know about me. My name is Annie, I'm 18, and I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar subtype. I currently take 5 medications, 4 of which I've been told can cause weight gain. I also need to stay away from caffeine, because it makes me really agitated and anxious and jittery, and because the pamphlet I received with my lithium said specifically to avoid caffeine. I consider myself a binge eater in recovery. Because of my bipolar symptoms, I have come to the conclusion with the help of my doctor, therapist, and father, that I have distanced myself from my emotions because they were always so unreliable and I couldn't trust them. As a result, I don't know how to feel my emotions very well. I can't express them verbally, but when I start writing they all come out... most of the time I didn't even realize I was feeling these things. No matter how hard I have tried, I have so far not been able to figure out how to experience my emotions like other people do. Maybe my mind has barricaded the emotions in a separate area so I can feel them without being affected by it? Anyway, I would like some support in overcoming my binge eating habits and in trying to feel emotions again.


My obstacles:
-binge eating
-obsessive thoughts
-not knowing what I am feeling
-not really being able to tell if I'm hungry
-being alone with food all day
-not knowing when I'm full
-indecisiveness
-lack of willpower and drive
-laziness
-depression and mood swings

My strengths:
+My intelligence
+Willingness to listen to logic
+Knowing my mood instability and hallucinations will always go away if I just wait
+Knowing about my diagnosis and understanding how it works
+Great doctor and therapist
+Incredible parents
+My strength
+My creativity
+My passion
+Being Annie


All in all, I would be incredibly appreciative if I could get some support and some insight, maybe some advice, and I would LOVE if you guys could share stories about stuff you've gone through, and perhaps some jokes or fun facts, and help cheer me up when I'm a little blue. :)
I've posted a link to NAMI's (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website on schizoaffective disorder, but feel free to google it :)
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Thank you so much to everyone who read through this! It really means a lot to me to know people care about what I have to say. :)

<3 Annie
 
Hey Lily!

I came here after visiting your old thread. I LOVE the determination I'm reading!

Good luck to you! :)
 
eymediaoutlet said:
Hey Lily!

I came here after visiting your old thread. I LOVE the determination I'm reading!

Good luck to you! :)
Click to expand...

Hey! Thanks :)
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Today is day one. It's also my last day at the beach. It's quite overcast and it looks like it may have rained already. Oh well, I like it better when I don't have to run across the scalding hot sand :) The ocean and the sky blend together at the horizon, it's really very pretty.

I woke up at 8:30 and after trying to get back to sleep, I decided to come out to the living room to see if anyone's up. They're not. :p So I'm sitting at my computer trying to avoid eating until someone else comes out because I know I'll binge if I eat alone.

I'm trying to think of more things to say because I want to keep typing so I don't walk over to my bag of taffy and start gorging. I think I'll visit some other threads to keep me busy.

Oh I hear thunder... No umbrella today! :svengo:

Thanks for reading. :)
<3Annie
 
So... my parents bought Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast....

I'm kind of proud, I only had two like everyone else and didn't binge at all!! :)

Unfortunately, the day is young... and I'm stuck inside.

BUT I CAN DO THIS!!!
 
Hey Lily, I saw your post in your old diary and came by to show support in your new one. I know you haven't been on in a week or so but I know you'll see this when you get back. Thanks for checking on me the other day :)
 
douknowjello said:
Hey Lily, I saw your post in your old diary and came by to show support in your new one. I know you haven't been on in a week or so but I know you'll see this when you get back. Thanks for checking on me the other day :)
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Hey Lisa! Thanks for coming by. :) I really appreciate your ongoing support and enthusiasm. It makes my life a little bit easier.
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I went to therapy yesterday... and I unleashed some of my demons. I didn't realize how big an event my sexual assault became in my mind... I hid it so well that I kept it from myself. It morphed me from a girl who was relatively self confident but with mood problems into a girl with major body and self-sabotaging issues AND mood swings that were undoubtedly more extreme than they would have been. I had no idea why I doubted myself, why I gained so much weight, why I was so unsure... Now I realize the common factor in all of that. A shadow of shame and self hatred follows me everywhere. I'm certain no one could stand to be in a relationship with me because I am so scared that they'll hurt me, so scared that they'll leave me, that I drive everyone away when they get too close. As I look back on my life, my memories of it are fuzzy, just the knowledge that something happened scarred me, made me feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone to love me like I yearned to be loved. I feel like I'm bothering people when I talk about my feelings, and I panic and get so nervous that I'll say something I didn't mean to make public.

It feels so good, in a perverse way, to talk about it. Like, to talk about the pain makes it real, lets me feel it for a short time before my mind stuffs it down again. It makes me realize that it actually happened, that I am a victim, that is HAS affected me. I need to let someone know that I feel these things because I can't experience these emotions without doing so. It verifies my pain, and tells me that it's okay, that I can make it.

Whenever I start to write about it, I can't stop. It's like there's so much to say for me, it's all been bottled up and you finally pop it open and you just can't get the cork back in. I can't talk to people in my life for fear that they'll blame me and they won't love me anymore. Here I'm anonymous, faceless, nameless. I don't have to worry that I'll run into one of you, that you'll bring it up and I'll get that knot in my gut and that fluttering in my heart, the feeling that I need to bolt, to run and run away as fast as I can. I fear people looking at me differently, feeling sorry for me, acting like I am "special" aka damaged because of what happened. I don't want this burden on my shoulders anymore. I can't go on living with the pain buried so deep inside that it affects every decision I make, from the food I cram in my mouth to drown the secrets, to the social situations I avoid because I don't feel like performing and putting on a show, acting like I don't fear every word I say will make them turn their backs on me, acting like I couldn't comprehend the pain of someone who has been sexually assaulted, when in reality I know it all too well. I can't go on pretending that this hasn't changed me. I can't keep telling myself I just imagined the whole thing, that it's all in my head and none of it's real. I want to find myself, to unveil the beauty I know is within.

I'm extremely appreciative to my therapist, who specializes in this and who seems to be the only person I know that understands the hurt I harbor inside me. I'm not telling my parents. I just feel like they would blame me (We told you not to get on those sites!), blame themselves (How could we have let this happen?), and they'd have to tell someone. It starts with something said in confidence, in a private conversation not meant for prying ears... then they let it slip to a friend, because they just can't deal with it alone. Then the friend tells his wife, and the wife tells her church friends and the next thing I know someone comes up to me and says "I pray for you every night before I sleep. I had a friend who had that happen to her..." and I'd get sympathy from everyone who overhears. I don't want sympathy. I don't deserve sympathy. I could have walked away. I could have turned my back and never talked to him again. I chose this fate, however unconsciously. I don't need people telling me it's not my fault. It is. It always will be. I'll live with that the rest of my life.

Sorry for ranting, I sorta had to get that off my chest. I appreciate anyone who read through my pity party.

<3
 
Also...

This song is perfect right now.

City and Colour

Sleeping Sickness
--

I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

[Chorus]
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?


I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I'm breaking down

[Chorus]
oooohhh my life

Someone come and, someone come and save my life (save my life)
Someone come and, someone come and save my life (save my life)
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice?
 
Well, now. It sure feels terrific to see that no one cares enough to post.

That makes me really depressed, on top of me feeling like shit because of this goddamn cold. I can't understand... I feel so crappy because no one cares, but I feel a perverse joy at the fact that they don't. It's like HA! I knew no one cared! I feel vindicated almost.

I am having trouble coping with all these new feelings unleashed in me, and there's no one I can talk to. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. :(
Annie
 
I always feel that Talking about something traumatic, Is the best way to put it in the past. Some blame themselves and need somebody to tell them It wasnt their fault. Stuff like that..

And HI, Im jessica. I hope your weightloss is coming along good.

Good luck to you.. Hope you feel better soon!
 
Sounds like you have some definite issues that need to be taken care of before you are ready for weight loss. I'm not saying you can't do it, but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, dealing with these fictional "demons" and whatever else you seem to concern yourself with, will not aid in your weight loss. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I know I myself, have to have all my faculties about me before attempting life-changing goals. Good luck to you.
 
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Hi annie, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot and maybe people haven't posted because they don't know what to say. I'm sure the right words you need to hear are going to be from your therapist. If you haven't already told them everything you have written here I would recommend starting with that. I also think your parents would be supportive if you told them considering in your first post you said one of your strengths is your incredible parents. That being said I wouldn't call them incredible if they know you are struggling with weight and bingeing and they bring home Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast. I would sit them down and let them know that doesn't help you reach your goals. I consider myself a binger too and for me it's a matter of it being out of sight out of mind. As soon as I bring it home it's all I think about until it's gone. So as long as I stock up on healthy foods, I have no reason to binge. I realize you might not be doing all your grocery shopping so you should sit down with who does and tell them your goals and how they can help you get there. I was very heavy in highschool and in University and went through a lot of bad relationships due to the fact that I was insecure and jealous all the time. I realized I wasn't happy being me so how could anyone else be happy with me - the first thing I needed to do was not focus on my relationships but myself and making me happy. Being with someone really great couldn't come before I was satisfied with just being with me - otherwise it was going to fail before it even started.
When you feel like you are all alone and want to binge try getting outside and going for a walk or putting some music on and think about things that make you happy. If that doesn't work try chewing on some gum or having a big glass of water and then determine if you are still hungry or were just bored. Hope some of that makes sense or gets you thinking more positive. Being happy starts with you and accepting the changes you want to make. Good luck and I'll check back to see how your doing :waving:
 
554 said:
Sounds like you have some definite issues that need to be taken care of before you are ready for weight loss. I'm not saying you can't do it, but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, dealing with these fictional "demons" and whatever else you seem to concern yourself with, will not aid in your weight loss. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I know I myself, have to have all my faculties about me before attempting life-changing goals. Good luck to you.
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Uh.. Excuse me? You ARE sounding mean, and I don't appreciate it. I'm pretty sure you aren't trying to be a jerk, but please, if you have to say something and then follow it with "I'm not trying to sound mean", then maybe you should rethink how or what you are saying. And obviously you have no idea what is involved in schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), because I am on about 6 different medicines to help stabilize my mood and stop hallucinations. If I'm in a shitty mood, I'm not going to restrain myself and say, "I'm not going to talk about it (which is what helps) because some jerk said he doesn't want to hear me feeling sorry for myself." How about if you can't post something nice, DON'T POST ANYTHING.

Anyway, Thanks Jessica and chubbygirl (you've got to have a nicer name for yourself than that ;))
I appreciate your friendliness and understanding. :)
<3 My mood has lifted, as seen in the fact that I didn't tell "554" to go f--- himself. By the way, you have no idea how your words affect people. In a depressed state of mind, that could very well inflict serious damage on my mental health. So please, think before you post.

I am grateful for the niceness people have greeted me with. :)
<3 Anna
 
Lilyofthevalley said:
Uh.. Excuse me? You ARE sounding mean, and I don't appreciate it. I'm pretty sure you aren't trying to be a jerk, but please, if you have to say something and then follow it with "I'm not trying to sound mean", then maybe you should rethink how or what you are saying. And obviously you have no idea what is involved in schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), because I am on about 6 different medicines to help stabilize my mood and stop hallucinations. If I'm in a shitty mood, I'm not going to restrain myself and say, "I'm not going to talk about it (which is what helps) because some jerk said he doesn't want to hear me feeling sorry for myself." How about if you can't post something nice, DON'T POST ANYTHING.

Anyway, Thanks Jessica and chubbygirl (you've got to have a nicer name for yourself than that ;))
I appreciate your friendliness and understanding. :)
<3 My mood has lifted, as seen in the fact that I didn't tell "554" to go f--- himself. By the way, you have no idea how your words affect people. In a depressed state of mind, that could very well inflict serious damage on my mental health. So please, think before you post.

I am grateful for the niceness people have greeted me with. :)
<3 Anna
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I threw the "I'm not trying to sound mean" segue in there, in part because I feared you would construe my message into some kind of personal attack, due to the fact it does not sympathize with your plights.

I simply stated that if I had a mental illness I would want to overcome those challenges first, in that they will not aid in weight loss. This may not be something you want to hear, but I believe that a strong sense of self and mental well being are required for weight loss .
 
554 said:
I threw the "I'm not trying to sound mean" segue in there, in part because I feared you would construe my message into some kind of personal attack, due to the fact it does not sympathize with your plights.

I simply stated that if I had a mental illness I would want to overcome those challenges first, in that they will not aid in weight loss. This may not be something you want to hear, but I believe that a strong sense of self and mental well being are required for weight loss .
Click to expand...

Ok. I understand you weren't intentionally trying to insult me. And I agree with you that I have some things to get over before I can get my shit together and lose weight.

There. Misunderstanding taken care of. :)

:puke:Anyway, I was sick as hell yesterday. I couldn't keep ANYTHING down. I couldn't even keep water down. Or my medicine. So yeah, that was fun, but luckily I felt better today so I could visit with my granddad (I still stayed far away from him though! No need to infect an 88 year old with the flu.) We ate at Red Lobster but I got Broiled Scallops and Fried Shrimp (crossing my fingers of course!). Everything was pretty all right, and then we got home and decided to go to Ledo's Pizza for dinner with the rest of the family. Instead of pushing it, I just got some wedding soup and bread. I had a tiny bit of salad, but I wasn't really in the mood. All together, okay tummy day. :)

Blah. 826 calories, but I REALLY don't want to push it. Maybe some toast?
I'm a little hungry, I didn't eat much soup. It wasn't that good, unfortunately.Perhaps I'll have some chicken noodle soup. That'd be good.
:)

Annie
 
Hey Annie! Long time no talk. I had a bit of a hiatus this summer, but thought it was about time to get my act together. Glad to see your back on the bandwagon for weightloss. Sorry to hear that some of your days arent going so well, I defintely know therapy can be very rough. I actually quit my therapy and went off my medications because I was sick of feeling "defective". But I know in the long run I'll prolly kick myself for doing so. Im hoping to be around in the forum more often. Hows school going??? I see you havent mentioned it, btu Im sure your keeping up with your wonderful grades! You are a very very smart girl and I know that you can conquer this little bump in the road with no problem!

See you around :blush5:
 
Hi Annie.

I relate to what you are saying about the self-sabotage and the obsessions with food and eating. I think it was my childhood and getting bullied in school that really messed me up, but that was so long ago, I feel like I need to come to terms with it and deal with it. I sometimes consider seeing a counsellor, I have a number in my phone of a woman who lives near that I might go and see, but part of me wants to do this by myself, do you know what I mean? I'm not allowing myself to delete her number until I feel 100% better, and if things don't start moving on soon, I will definitely contact her.

Anyway, I agree with whoever mentioned that you should ask your parents not to buy things like doughnuts anymore. If you tell them you're really serious about losing weight, they'll definitely stop buying it, or at least stop offering bad food to you.

Good luck with your journey!
 
Hey thanks guys. :) Good News: I got a 103% on my Developmental Psych test!! :D So yeah, pretty happy about that. I should be studying for my ethics test right now but I can't really focus... I have ethics Tuesday. I need to read for developmental psychology class so I know what's going on when we go over the chapter tonight. Haha. That 70's Show is on. I forgot how funny it was. :p

I have to go get a shower then actually get some work done. :willy_nilly:

Annie
 
Lilyofthevalley said:
Hey thanks guys. :) Good News: I got a 103% on my Developmental Psych test!! :D So yeah, pretty happy about that. I should be studying for my ethics test right now but I can't really focus... I have ethics Tuesday. I need to read for developmental psychology class so I know what's going on when we go over the chapter tonight. Haha. That 70's Show is on. I forgot how funny it was. :p

I have to go get a shower then actually get some work done. :willy_nilly:

Annie
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Way to go Annie! I knew you were still keeping up with your awesome school work! :hurray:
 
Hello hello! I'm doing okay, thanks! I've been slowly creeping back up to my starting weight.... I think I'll die if I see 230 again. SO... I'm counting.... AGAIN.
I've decided to be proactive about my mindset, to forgive myself and not let shit get me down. I forgive myself for not walking away, for not saying something. It wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't let that pathetic turd of a man ruin my life. I don't need therapy to tell me I'm okay, I shouldn't be so insecure about everything. I will change my life, I WILL do everything I've always wanted to do, lose weight, buy flattering clothes, be flirted with. I can't let my past get the better of me. I need to work on MYSELF, steadily and progressively, and not let anything get in my way.

I can't keep having these revelations and epiphanies and then falling asleep and waking up exactly the way I was before. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Any tips on continuing motivation? I was thinking maybe writing notes to myself at night ... but I don't know.
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EDIT:SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT.... I should NEVER GO ANYWHERE with my sister. She makes me make bad decisions with food and money. I bought Nilla wafers and scarfed down 2 servings. :(

Okay. I'll hype myself up tomorrow. I need to find some songs that help me get determined, I heard Rhianna on my sister's radio today and I was like, this song gets me in some sort of mood that makes it easier to think clearly.

Blah, it's the weekend. We eat out all weekend. I seriously had all 3 meals out today. McDonald's for breakfast (3 pancakes) then a steak and cheese sub with french fries for lunch, then 3 cheese tortellini in alfredo sauce for dinner. But seriously though, I eat out EVERY SINGLE day. I want so badly to be healthy, but I'm so addicted to it, I get upset when I don't get it.... I get anxious and crabby.... God. I want to stop, but in a perverse way I really don't.
If someone could hook me up with some healthy, tasty recipes, I would REALLY appreciate it.

<3 Annie

SECOND EDIT: Just wanted to share that I got a PRODIGIOUS 97% on my Ethics test! Oh, and I'm doing really well in math too (96%, 100%, 100%) on assignments and tests! :D
 
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