Why & When do you Binge
Hi Everyone,
Really haven't been a binge eater until probably a few years after kids. I know the reason, not in a happy marriage, not happy w/ my house --- Really not happy with me! I have allowed the lack of interest from my husband to effect me. Our sex life has gone down the crapper, for a while now. Maybe for about 10 yrs. I know that has really affected me. Sure u men don't usually hear this, but he was the one not interested. That's when I was pretty hot looking, about 140lbs, 5'7". U know at night, feet a little cold and you snuggle next to him and he jumps away as if u just put an ice cube down hiis back, yeh that's his reaction. So, yeh, I have internalized this to mean, must be me, what's wrong w/ me that he doesn't want to have sex w/ me. I guess as a woman,to me, that really feels like rejection and I have knocked the shit out of myself for it. My self esteem/self worth shouldn't be based on someone else, but it is and that's where my rut started and still is. Of course doesn't help that I opened a biz and went into about 300,000 dollars in debt and might never see any of this money back. So, besides my regular 40hr week job, also have this biz that depresses the crap out of me. So, since I am miserable, all I want to do at night, that's usually when I am home w/ hubby, is eat! Oh, I know it's not the trigger foods, it's the trigger situation that sets me off. Looking for comfort food. Doesn't matter if it's not in the house, because I will just keep trying different things until I get the comfort (which I usually don't) or just eat until I resign myself to bed.
Maybe I am not so much of a binger, but an emotional eater, meaning, "No, I wont eat a box of donuts or bag of cookies in one seating, but more like will just keep looking for something to eat to comfort me.
Really having a tough time w/ the eating and the emotions. Wish I could just have a week to me w/out anyone around to set me off. I know, why do I allow them to set me off? Has to do w/ me. I feel right now, I am really no better off than someone that uses drugs, drinks, whatever their viice to deal. Just wish my way of dealing was healthier. Funny, not that I keep these things in. I have talked to my hubby until I am blue in the face. Problem is there is no change from him and divorce to me is not an option.
Opening this biz, I thought would help financially. Looked at similiar businesses w/ the same demographics and my numbers aren't even close to the other businesses. maybe these people lied but all 3 said they were actually able to pay about $40,000 bucks back in loans the first year. Yeh, so, I am just paying the bills, no extra. so,nothing but a f'ing pain in the arse and more time away from my kids. Oh, yeh, this helped fiinancially. Now, w/ the money we invested, don't u think my hubby would care and want to strategize about this or even ask how it's going???? Nope. I mean, it's soooooo sad to me. If I didn't have kids, I'd just get in a car and drive and reinvent myself. Leave it allll behind. I know I wont be able to get my wt. under control until I deal w/ these situations and maybe except life the way it is. Can't even focus at work.
I am sooooo struggling here to get through each day w/ a smile for the rest, especially my kids.
