Ava's Diary-Journey to the other side

A

AvaTea

New member
Hi everybody!


Most of you probably don't remember me. I posted here last year/at the beginning of this year. I honestly have started and given up so many times that I am truly frustrated with myself. I remember posted here back in January thinking that it was my goal to be in peak physical condition by this summer. Well, lets just say that hasn't happened. Thankfully, I haven't gained any weight. But I have also not lost anything either.


At this point, I don't have a goal date. I just want to be health and comfortable in my skin again. I have realized how truly uncomfortable I am with myself this summer and I want to change it. I also saw a picture of my back at my goal weight. How have I let this happen!?


Thankfully, it is only 30 pounds. I can stop this trend of going upward on the scale if I begin to do something about it NOW. And this is the perfect time to do it. I am almost done with college (one more semester left!) and have been working as an intern for a company that has shown some interest in hiring me full time after I graduate. The time is NOW before all this crazy "real life" stuff commences.


And this time I have a plan. I don't know about any of you, but I have a gym PHOBIA. I used to love going to the gym when I was fit. But now, I loathe the thought of it. And truly, my schedule is just a little too crazy to endure the stress of gym membership fees, finding time, etc. So, I have a new idea. One thing I do excel at is waking up early and I have a Roku player with various fitness channel apps. After reading reviews of them, I have decided to try a 15-day free trial of one of the channels. They seem to have tons and tons of classes from kickboxing to yoga. I just did part of the beginning kickboxing class and it definitely made me work. Also, I plan to start running outside again, once it gets a little less warm. It has been between 95-105 F here this past week. I admit, I have my limits!


Those coupled with a healthy diet (which I am actually pretty good about) and I am on my way.


Currently, I weigh around 162 lbs. My first goal is 155 lbs. Honestly, I have not seen the scale move down in a long time, so hopefully a small goal like this will get me motivated again. Eventually, I'd like to reach my overall goal of somewhere between 120-130 lbs (whatever feels comfortable, I'm not obsessed with an actual number.)


I plan to keep track of what I eat in here as well as ramble on about life.


Thanks for reading!


Ava
 
AHey Ava, welcome back, and congratulations on making the decision to change your life!. Today, really is the day you've been waiting for! This time can be your real decision to get fit and lose some weight! It is all about choices...good choices lead to good results! Starting today, you can change some things in your life! Since you really don't want to go to the gym...by all means don't...but that doesn't mean no exercise. You don't need a gym to go for a 30 min walk outside every day(yes, every day!). You can do jumping jacks in your bedroom, or even pushups! I highly recommend doing some sort of exercise..it will really jump start your weightloss!

I suggest you get some good fresh fruits to have at your home to snack on instead of some other high calories empty thing...and probably most important, plan your meals and prepare them ahead of time so that you know what you are going to eat...don't let that just "happen"...weightloss is an inside job, and it all starts with our thoughts...and those thoughts turn into action! Action is the majic word...you can know everything in the world about weight loss, but until you turn it into action (exercise, good food choices and planning your next moves), it is all just a wish.

You mention you are going to track what you eat on this forum...good job! I look forward to seeing your good planning and actions here! I suggest you have 3 types of goals...motivation, exercise and eating..when you do all of those, the weight will come off...maybe not as quick as you want (it never comes off as quickly as we want!) but it will come off! Sometimes the scale doesn't move the right way... In this case, it's good to know what, and even if all 3 are good, sometimes, it still doesn't...it's good to have that sense of accomplishment for the 3 goals on those day",

So, I don't wish you luck...it's not about luck...it's about choices!
Good choices to ya,
Sarah
 
Thanks for the wonderful welcome scbibhouse! I appreciate the encouragement more than you know.


Today has started off pretty well. I worked out a little bit with my new program. I did part of a pilates class, part of a power yoga class, and part of a cardio class. I like being able to mix them up. I won't lie though, I struggled a bit through some of the classes so I will need to ease into them.


Oh, and I weighed myself....159.5! Could just be water weight but seeing the scale finally register under the 160s was amazing. Even if it goes back up it still felt good to see that.


Right now, I am just making some coffee for breakfast. Thankfully I prefer my coffee black which means less calories!


Hopefully I will get to that 155 mark before I know it. :)


I should also explain the title of my journal. For such a long time, since my weight gain has started, I have felt on the complete opposite side of who I really am. Not even just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. My weight gain started at a very stressful time in my life where I completely lost myself. But now, I feel that in many ways I am getting back to myself. I am in a much better place now. For once I don't dread the thought of finally getting healthy and in shape, I look forward to getting completely back to the other side.


I remember feeling so good about myself at 130 lbs. And when I think about it, 30 lbs is not that much. I see people here have lost so much more than that. If 30 lbs is the only thing separating my from feeling completely better about myself, how can I not give it my all? In the long run, it is a very small effort considering everything else I have gotten through in life.


So, there's that. :)
 
Afternoon update:[/b]



Today has been amazing for me so far and it is only 1pm. I know that I have really only just started out but mentally I feel so strong. I was sitting at home before just thinking about how excited I am to be on this journey but couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't know what to do next. I know that I want to change my lifestyle but that means making even the smallest changes. So, I told myself just do what you normally do, but do it differently. Make it a healthy choice.



I needed to go to the grocery store. It is about 1.5 miles away and typically I drive. But today I said to myself "Why not just walk?" I found myself immediately trying to talk myself out of it: It's too hot out, it's just[/b] too far, I have to carry my groceries home then...etc. Then I told myself to stop making excuses and just take advantage of the nice weather. So I walked there in the 85F heat keeping a pretty brisk. And then I walked home carrying 10 lbs of groceries. And the whole time it felt like a meditation. I found peace in the physical exertion. Trust me, I was sweating when I walked through the door but I felt incredible. Part of me wants to criticize myself for feeling physically exerted after walking three miles when I used to run six miles each day. But then I remembered that this is a journey, not a quick fix.



I feel more in control than I have in a long time. :)



Daily Achievements:



Exercise:


Parts of cardio, yoga, and pilates classes

15 minute stretching class

3 mile walk




Nutrition:


2 cups black coffee

A ham sandwich on whole grain

10 glasses of water

A bunch of mini carrots

Snack of about 1/2 avocado and some pita chips

Grilled chicken with some white rice

3 Frozen banana/peanut butter bites




I feel really good at the end of today. Of course there are areas for improvement but, overall I feel really motivated. I like to try new things with my food so I cut up a whole banana into about 15 slices, put a small dollop of peanut butter on top of each, and stuck them in the freezer. When I came home this evening they were all done and I could not wait to try one. SO delicious! It is amazing what a difference in temperature and texture can do. I will definitely do this again. It truly tastes like I am eat something sooo naughty! :)



Tomorrow I hope to wake up early before work to get a good workout in and really just try to maintain a good diet throughout the day. That can be the frustrating part as for some reason I just do not like eating while at work. This usually means I end up having coffee and something like in the morning, then nothing but water or hot tea until dinner. I actually don't know if I want to change that at all. Something about going without food for 10 hours makes finally eating again seem more enjoyable. Thankfully I am not really a binge eater.



Anyways, hope you are all doing well!
 
I've seen some others do this and I thought it looked fun! I think it will be neat to reach different goals and look back at this survey. So here I go..!



1. What is your current height and weight? 5'2" and 159.5lbs

2.If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be? 120-130lbs probably. That is where I used to be when I felt great about myself. I also am short but pretty muscular so I know that 115lbs would probably be extremely hard for me to achieve...but hey, you never know! As long as I feel good about myself, the number is pretty meaningless.



3.What celebrity do you think has the perfect figure? Ha...any Victoria Secret model?...(Yes, I know, keep dreaming :rolleyes:).

4.At what weight would you like to be at four months from now? Hopefully at or close to my goal weight.

5. Why do you want to lose weight? Mostly to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I have a great boyfriend, a job I love, and pretty much everything else is great. The only problem is that I don't feel like I am the best that I can be. I know that my body holds me back from doing a lot and enjoying myself.

6.Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event? Sounds kind of silly, but I want to be able to wear jeans comfortably. Right now I hate wearing jeans and don't even own a pair that I fit into. I want to be able to go on a jeans/cute sweater shopping spree for the fall and winter. I want to get fun things to wear for football season :) haha. Simple things, I guess.

7. What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals? Definitely my boyfriend, his horrible diet, and his ridiculously high metabolism that keeps him from gaining a pound...:cuss: but we've talked about that already and he knows that I need his support :blush5:

8.Why do you think that you now have a weight problem? Honestly I think a lot of it comes from stress and anxiety, being careless with my diet now and then, and lack of consistent physical activity.

9.Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time? Yep!


10.If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different? I'd be a happier person in general. By default, I would probably get more out of life instead of constantly worrying about how I look or always feeling uncomfortable/heavy etc.

11.Do you eat when you are not hungry? Sometimes, but I have really gotten better about this lately. Eating a wider variety of foods has helped this.

12. Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)? I used to but now, very rarely. And if I do, I can usually stop myself and ask why I am engaging in that kind of behavior. I've definitely changed my relationship with food for the better. And when I do eat a lot now, it is usually good, healthy food.


13.Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym? Home? Right now I exercise at home, using a Channel app on my Roku player. I am doing a 14-day trial with it (starting today) to see how much I use it/judge if it is effective. If it is, I plan on paying the $10/mo. for that. I love it...they've got tonsss of different classes; kickboxing, yoga, pilates, cardio, stretching, etc. I love it so far. Couple that with walking/jogging outside. I tried joining a gym in January but found that I felt pressured to go. This pressure created an avoidance behavior in me so I hardly ever used it! Hopefully this new approach works for me :)

14.What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals? I've adopted this mentality that I always want to improve myself. I do not want to wake up one day with diseases that could have been prevented by a healthier lifestyle, nor do I want to find that I hide out in my apartment instead of going out with friends because I am too self-conscious about my weight. I really desire a fulfilled life and I understand now that part of that involves getting healthy! No matter how long it takes.

15.Do you have rewards for certain goals? I am thinking that my ultimate reward (hopefully sometime in November!) will be a shopping spree. But honestly, reaching my smaller, individual goals will be huge mental rewards. I desire self-empowerment over any material things at this point. There is nothing better than when a friend you have not seen in a long time greets you with wide-eyes and a "Wow, you look amazing!"
 
Today is off to a good start. I woke up at 5am and went on a 30 min jog by the lake. Honestly, for a split second, I thought about not going. But then I pulled up some inspirational quotes and went for it. I didn't jog the whole way but I will get there eventually. Also, getting a workout out of the way in the morning feels awesome. Before I even go in to work it feels as though I have accomplished a lot. I know that it is still early on in my journey but I can tell that my body is already feeling better and happier. I almost want to cry because it has taken me such a long time to get back to this place where I am truly motivated to get healthy, to where I stop making excuses preventing me from doing so. I am confident that I will reach my goal of 155 lbs in no time. I even decided to participate in the forum's monthly challenge for July and feel confident that I can meet that goal (151.5!!!) as well. If I am to stay on track with that, by next Sunday I will be down to 157.5 lbs.


It is a weird experience knowing that I only have about 32-33 lbs to lose in total. It somehow makes every loss seem bigger than its actual number. Hopefully it won't make cheating easier. Anyways, I am sure that I will be back this evening to post more about the day!


Fitness:


30 min jog

45 min mixed cardio/yoga/pilates classes

15 min stretching class



*Note: I am loving this one fitness channel app I have been using on my Roku player (I have one to watch my Netflix on!). Honestly, I have never been so motivated/excited to workout. I just did a beginner Pilates class..it was surprisingly challenging! The best part is they update pretty much everyday with new workouts. I'm just on the trial right now but could definitely see paying $10.00 a month for such variety/convenience.


Nutrition:


Banana & peanut butter

2 cups of coffee

8+ glasses of water (I lost count lol)

Mashed up avocado with pretzels (Ok...I love guacamole but most of the stuff that is served at restaurants is not appealing to me. Mainly I love it because of the texture of the avocado. So my way to cheat is to mash up an avocado, throw in just a bit of garlic, cumin, and chili pepper...minimal to no salt though. Then I eat it with something small that has a bit of salt on it...like a small pretzel instead of a huge tortilla chip. It is by no means perfect but if this is my one shortcoming I will live with it. And it leaves me super full for hours.)
 
Excellent Ava! Good way to start the day!! Trust me, your weightloss number is not low...just because those of us with big numbers waited so long, doesn't mean you should!! Trust me, I'm nearing the end of my weightloss journey...13 months into it and I'd love to have had a smaller number to start with...but I didn't...I let myself get too big to start with...so please don't do that!


Good job on getting that walk/run done girl...it's a great way to start the day! :hurray:


Sarah
 
I admire your motivation. It is not easy getting up at 5:30 and exercising. keep up the good work!
 
I've just read your whole diary, Avatea, and it's great!! This moment of decision is really wonderful:


Quote:


Today has been amazing .. I have really only just started out but mentally I feel so strong. I was sitting at home before just thinking about how excited I am to be on this journey but couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't know what to do next. I know that I want to change my lifestyle but that means making even the smallest changes. So, I told myself just do what you normally do, but do it differently. Make it a healthy choice.
[/quote]


There are so many useful sayings and moments to be collected here on this forum: scbibhouse's battle-cry "Good choices!" or jjjay's mischievous-wise remark "husbands may lie, but trousers never do", and now your straight-talking word of advice: "just do what you normally do, but do it differently. Make it a healthy choice." Brilliant! -- thanks!
 
Oh my gosh, thank you sooo much for the support you guys! I absolutely love the feeling of community here. It makes the journey 10 times easier to handle. You guys are all amazing.


Also, I hopped back on the scale this afternoon...after eating and drinking tons of water at work today...and the scale read 158.5!!! I know, I know, it is probably just regular fluctuations but holy heck that is the lowest number I have registered on the scale in a longggg time! And seeing that just makes me even more motivated. I think I am going to try to keep up with the whole running in the morning thing. I need to work on getting my endurance up again but I felt great all day today. I will try to limit my weigh-ins to once a week but I am such an eager beaver sometimes it gets hard to hold off.


:) I am truly, truly happy for the first time in a long while. And honestly this journey is so much more than weight loss. Before my current relationship I was in a cycle of bad relationships (oh to be young, naive, and carefree...), at the start of which I began to put the weight on. I've been with my current boyfriend (who is an incredible person) for a year now and have come very far with myself. I have basically set up a more healthy environment for myself that eating well seems to just come naturally with it. And now the exercise. He does not know I am trying to get into great shape...it will be interesting to see if he notices and at what point he will :beating:..trust me, I will make sure he notices.


It is almost 100 degrees F here today. So miserable...thankfully I just installed my a/c!!!! Woohoo


Sorry, I am rambling. I just got off of work and need to go fix a healthy snack. Hope you are all having a greatttt day!
 
I think that my scale is crazy.


You didn't really think that I would be able to hold out on jumping on there until Sunday, right? :) I was curious, after seeing it go down in the middle of the afternoon yesterday, what it would read this morning. I almost cried when I saw it register at 157 lbs. In reality, yes, it may go back up, but wow. Whatever the cause or reality of it is, it is extremely motivating.


I wonder if it is because I could stand to lose a lot. I am very small (short). Being 110 lbs would be considered normal and healthy for me (ha that is never going to happen!), and since I am so above and beyond that, I wonder if some of the weight is sort of literally just falling off? Who knows....


Also could be because I didn't each much yesterday. I had dinner all planned out and then fell asleep. Woke up this morning too tired to get up for a run. I know, I know. I feel a bit guilty about that but I also do not want to wear myself out too soon. So I plan to just do some more classes this evening after work.


I am feeling really good about things right now. I just hope that it continues!
 
AWow! Avatea, you go girl!!! 157!!... When I see that number I'll only be within 14 pounds of my goal...you just motivated me again!! Thanks so much! As for feeling guilty about the run...don't do it! You can't change the past, so just back on it tomorrow! You keep up the good work girl!!
Sarah
 
AThanks so much Sarah! The encouragement is so meaningful. Unfortunately my day quickly spun out of control after I posted this morning...

When I was leaving for work I accidentally reversed my car which was parked on a hill and felt a jolt. I have some hearing loss and was not sure what I backed into; a car or the curb. So, I got out and looked. The car behind me had no damage but I sort of panicked about if an left an apology note with my contact info under the windshield. I also have really bad anxiety (lol I sound like a mess) so I spent the entire morning at work worrying about it and was unable to concentrate on my project. Finally my phone rang and I let it go to voicemail. The girl whose car it was left a really nice message thankfully that there was no damage or anything to her car and thanked me for at least letting her know, but not to worry about it.

PHEW...well by that point I was so stressed and started to realize that my body was hurting all over from working out and I started to get a headache and get sleepy. Blah. Finally the work day ended and here I am.

But I think that this was all very important because when I was stressed/nervous/worried...my train of thought became very apparent to me. I wasn't telling myself to go eat bad food, but I did have this notion to sabotage/punish myself. It was such an incredible realization that I had created the behavior of using food to punish myself when I got these feelings. Wow. It makes a lot of sense to me now.

Thankfully, I didn't go right to food this time. I told myself that I didn't need to be punished for anything and to just rest today. So that is what I plan to do. Rest up, maybe go out for a healthy dinner, see some fireworks, and spend some time with my wonderful boyfriend who I don't get to see enough of during the week. :)

...Sorry for my rant!! Ha but thanks for letting me get it all out. I feel so so much better.
 
Wow! I'm sorry you had all that stress (just beautifully, handled, by the way -- and I'm so glad the other woman was an ordinary, goodhearted person, and reassured you) -- I'm sorry you had all that stress, but I am very very impressed by how you used it to gain insight into the uses you've made of eating, and how some of it was un-useful behaviour.


You don't sound a bit like a mess -- you sound like a very together woman who has got a firm grip on where she's going, and how to be good to herself (I can tell that you're already good to other people!)


Have a wonderful day! :Angel_anim:
 
AThank you so much :) you are too sweet for saying all of that. It was a rough day but I was able to take some deep breaths and alter my perspective. I am trying to be more of an optimist overall. Being good, fair, and patient with ourselves is not always easy and sometimes seems impossible. But usually our missteps and shortcomings are not as heavy and detrimental as we perceive them to be. Sometimes I just really have to focus to remember all of that!

Anyways, yay 4th of July. That means no work for me...woohoo! We are going to a ball game this afternoon then to a pool party/cookout at a friend's house. I feel nowhere near comfortable enough to get in a bathing suit in front of people so I will probably just watch on. Everytime I go over there they bug me to swim...it sort of makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I can just say I am a bit under the weather...I hate having to find excuses. I don't think even when I get to my goal weight I will be comfortable in a suit. Let's just say that I am quite errr busty (lol) especially for my height. I don't particularly like to show it off or feel people looking.

It is supposed to be like 100 degrees F here again, yuck. The heat is just so unbearable to me. I am used to below zero winters haha. I would much rather out be too cold and have to bundle up in a sweater.

Anyways, I am going to be a little forgiving with myself today since it is a holiday. But that doesn't mean I going to eat garbage. I will do what I can, give my body another day to recover, then get right back into it tomorrow.

Thanks for listening as always :)
 
AActually...change of plans. I'm going for it. I bought a bathing suit. :-O for the first time in like 6 years. I know. I dont know what has gotten into me but I no longer feel as ashamed of myself. I have great curves, it is 100 degrees out, so damnit I am going to go swimming.

Haha. Cross my fingers. Hope I don't chicken out.
 
Wow Avatea,

what a moment of clarity you had about food! Sorry you had all the stress with the car and glad it turned out good, but sounds like you have learned alot about yourself in the process...so 2 wins for the price of one traumatic event! On top of that you made a decision to get a swimming suit!! Go Ava go!! I'm so happy you are not feeling ashamed about your body...it is what it is, and you are actively working to change it, so go ahead and give yourself the treat of hitting the pool on a hot summer day...and I'm betting your will see others there who are the same size or bigger than you (of course, you'll also see those supermodel girls too..but they are certainly not the majority...and I'm betting that if you see them 20 years from now, they won't all be so perfect!)

Enjoy your swimming Ava and congratulations again on getting through a stressful day and learning from it...I'm so proud of you!!


Sarah
 
AThank you so much for the kind words! Yes, I had a wonderful day! The game was unbearably hot. It was miserable and fun all at once! Then the swimming! Oh gosh I was so nervous. But finally I got in and spent the. Ext two hours having a blast. And actually, I felt pretty confident! I wore a one piece but there were people of all shapes and sizes at the party. It made me feel so great because I realized that my friends are not there to judge. They just wanted to have a great time, and so we did!

Yes, I didn't eat anywhere close to perfect. But I had fun and was very active so I think everything is alright. I'm going to bed tonight with no regrets.

(Oh and I swear my tummy feels flatter...!!)

Hope you all had a great day :)
 
Hey AvaTea! Welcome back to the forum - there's SO much positivity bouncing around in here. I agree with Sarah - it sounds like you have had some real moments of clarity and are making some great lifestyle changes and ongoing choices.


Use the lbs loss so far as motivation but don't get too hung up on the scales for the next few weeks!
 
AThanks jjjay! Yes I am trying to be as positive as possible! I have had a few great days lately :) I definitely appreciate the support! I think that is just as motivating as lbs lost!!

Today has also been a great day. I have been given more responsibilities at work :) and as an intern that is pretty exciting. The not so exciting part is living on an intern's income! I mean I make decent money for still being in school but of course I am always giddy right before payday...lol. So I decided to look at my lifestyle and challenge myself to eat healthy on a bit of a budget.

Expense is always an excuse that I seem to come up with for not eating well. But f course I now that is silly and that eating healthy can actually be pretty cheap.

I was in a rush this morning and feeling still hungry after my morning black coffee. So before work I stopped to get a mango peach smoothie. It had only 80 calories, was huge, and was so delicious. But then I realized I had just paid $5 for 80 calories. Yes, they were 80 delicious calories but would probably not get me far during the day...(for some reason I can't stand lunch lol...makes me lose focus).

Anyways I stopped at the store after work and got some essentials. I challenged myself to get healthy food for less than $10, that would last me awhile. Yikes. Well I spent just over $7 on five items. I am pleased to say I just ate a very delicious and über filling supper of mini burritos.

Ha they had eggs, avocado, some beans, and were lightly sprinkled with cheese. After adding up the calories, I am pretty satisfied: 878 + the 80 from the smoothie (and maybe 20 from the black coffee?) and I am still under 1,000 calories yet I cannot imagine eating anything more ha. I am stuffed!

Maybe I will have room for a snack later this evening!

Sorry for my ramble haha I realize I sort of went off there! Anyways, hope you are all having a great day!
 
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