A new beginning...

NTL: I know I know girl!!! Trust me! :) But that's why I'm writing here.. my emotions along with my food habits, so I can.. look at them, and stop them before I let them take over my life.. :)


Anyhoo.. guys its so that TOM and I'm just FREAKIN SICK of it being here!!:eek: I'm sorry to vent.. but this my fourth month going on like this and I'm tired tired of having a period.:mad:

Seriously.. I started on the 14th of this month, and still going.. ! :( I have to avoid BC for other reasons, but boy..this is gettin old!
 
newbride02 said:
wow, i bet you poor thing, you should talk to your dct about that!
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NB: She wants me to get an OK from my other doc (neurologist) to go back on BC (I was on 3yrs ago) but if they say no, she wants me to try Provera. Its just.. all these things have risks with altering your hormones etc. for stroke and so on. I'm uncomfortable with it. :( SO.. Anyhow. I dunno what to do! Just suck it up and take it I guess!
 
Ok.. so this is for Paula. I wanted to share with her, my ultimate confessions of food sin. Well at least those that I can think of right now!! Partly this is just an idea that stems from the book "It was Food Vs. Me..and I Won" but, I also hope that if I have the courage to share this, others will too!

I used to to be a day-care provider in my sisters in-house day care center of twelve kids. We kept after-lunch snacks for them there. Gummi bears, sweet tarts, etc. During their nap our I'd have down time. If I was alone, I'd munch on those all the time. Sneaking here and there. I wasn't hungry. I just wanted them!

If I was dying to have ice cream, or something fattening, and it wasn't in my house because I was trying to eat healthy. I'd drive out to get it. NO matter how late. I'd go to Burger King or the 24 Grocery store and pick it up.

I would eat because I wanted to. I was not hungry. I would eat when my stomach hurt, I would eat when I was so full I could of thrown up. I would eat because it was there. I would eat left over donuts the kids had at breakfast, half eaten on their plates. I don't recall doing it, but I wouldn't even put it past me of picking it up out of the garbage.

Even worse.. Living with my fiance for the past year and half. Going to go on my binges is not so easy. I still manage them. I'd look forward to when he was going to be late at work sometimes, because it meant I could binge on the left over ice cream in the fridge. I would buy a candy bar at the end of my grocery shopping trip so I could down it in the car and hide the wrapper before I got home. I'd buy a regular soda on the outing because he wouldn't be there to give a disapproving look. I run to starbucks, after I drop him off at work, and..don't bother to mention it to him, because I want to indulge in a fattening 500 calorie scone or muffin. I'd pack a lunch, so he wouldn't know that I was going to hit McDonalds or some other fast food joint on my break to eat instead.

Don't get me wrong..its not like he, or my mother in the past, would scream or shreik or even scold me for these bad habits. That's not why I hide or hid them from them. I did because if I had to own up to them, I have to own up to ME. And that's the hardest part... but c'mon now. When you're hiding food from people, uh, lets see.. THERE IS A PROBLEM! :) But its a one day at a time process...and each day I get a better grip. I hold on a little longer than the day before..and I'll get this.. and so will all of you.. :)

So I share now.. just to, let anyone else who secretly does this.. know that they're not alone!! :)
 
Thanks for that. Everything you've done, I've done. I think people don't think we have a "real" eating disorder because we're not starving ourselves and we're not throwing up but it's real.... we should start a post somewhere for Binge Eaters... seriously.
 
paulab_5 said:
Thanks for that. Everything you've done, I've done. I think people don't think we have a "real" eating disorder because we're not starving ourselves and we're not throwing up but it's real.... we should start a post somewhere for Binge Eaters... seriously.
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I agree. I don't think I really ever realized how bad it was until it dawned on me one day I was hiding my eating habits from Sid out of embarrassment! Just before I left for this trip, I wanted something sweet and the grocery store was closed and we had nothing in the house except a left over pound cake. On eof those frozen style ones from the grocery store..

I ate what was left of it.. which was like 2/3rds.. Yeah. OOOOH Can we say binger. Somebody smack us!! :)

But you are welcome.. and you are not alone. Lets start a thread!!
 
Do you find that you want to binge all the time or just certain times of the day . I have a hard time starting around 4 in the afternoon till I go to bed and it is hard not to eat everything I see sometimes .
 
First of all, I'm glad you're back, and I'm glad you had a great time! Wish I could have been there :D

Secondly, you are totally not alone in the secret eating! I still do it now a little bit, but I used to be TERRIBLE for it. The first major diet I went on I really didn't want to be on, but Josh and I did it together. I mean, I wanted to lose weight, but I didn't want to stop eating all the good foods. I just wanted it to magically fall off, you know? Either way, I didn't want it enough, and almost every time Josh was out of the room or out of eye sight I'd eat. I don't think I ever did full-on binges (or maybe I'm defining binge differently than you), but I would run to the break room to get a chocolate bar out of the vending machine at least once a shift, clean up the leftovers when it was my turn to do dishes, sneak this, sneak that, back before anyone can suspect.

On my current diet run I had to come to the realization that I'm doing this for ME. Not for Josh (though he's a big support), not for my doctor, FOR ME. And I can't hide from myself to sneak a snack.

Don't get me wrong, I do still sneak sometimes, but its much more controlled and I have to usually have at least a minor battle of self-control versus self-indugence so at least I feel properly bad about it.
 
Wow, what a revelation! GOod for you NL for putting that in writing! Maybe it'll help you move on.

Anyways, I'm proud of my girl! Keep up the good work hun!
 
On my current diet run I had to come to the realization that I'm doing this for ME. Not for Josh (though he's a big support), not for my doctor, FOR ME. And I can't hide from myself to sneak a snack.
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Beagle is absolutely right. This time around, I'm changing myself only for ME, and it is working! I'm not doing it for my husband, or because someone told me to, or others judgement, or any event. I'm doing it for ME because I want the change to happen and to be permanent.

That's why when I binge, I don't feel like I need to hide from anyone, because I cannot hide from myself.

NL, maybe you should try analyzing why not only you have the desire to binge (you already know what triggers it), but especially why you have desire to hide it from other people. There are certain feelings connected to it, and I think you may want to explore that avenue.

Honestly, I had no idea how hard this dieting thing can be for you and Paula. You're doing 100 times better then me, just because I'd give in by now. :)
 
NTL: thanks.. but I do give in unfortunately. :) lol!! I appreciate the support. As for delving into the avenue of why I hide it from others. In some ways its just really hiding it from myself. If I don't have to own up to them, I don't have to own up to me either. I can live in a sort of bizarre denial of my problem. Its strange..but true.. :)

So todays a new day.. of course. And.. wait till you see my next post. I was so tempted this morning, and this thread, this journal really stopped me from diving into those things. I really hope today is the start of keeping on this path. I am also thinking I should openly just discuss with Sid what I've eaten and reveal my hidden binges to him. SO he knows... and I have to own up to it. Funny.. that seems a lot harder than posting it here. Anyhow.. onto my next post.. the journal of the day. :)
 
Awesome job! I'm glad you resisted!

Question: Do you make yourself feel bad after you binge? Do you feel like you've failed? Do you make yourself feel guilty? I used to do them all the time. I'd make myself feel really bad, and then I'd want to binge even more (food for comfort). I stopped making myself feel guilty, and then I don't feel like what I'm doing is morally wrong, so binging kind of lost its luster as forbidden fruit. Don't know if it makes sence, but it worked for me. Maybe it'll help you and also realizing that hiding from others does not allow you to hide from yourself, because YOU know about it.

Also what has helped me tremendously is having ABSOLUTELY NO forbidded food. I can have what I want when I want it as long as my daily total is under 1200 calories. So, when I have that edge for Starbucks, I say, yes, I can have that, but then I would not be able to have my lunch, and I would be hungry all day, and since I don't want to be hungry all day, I pick foods with lower calories... I don't know if this approach would work for you, but it did for me, so far I've been successfully fooling myself into making great choices consistantly. Sometimes the desire to binge overpowered all the logic, and those were the "cheat" days, but as longs as there are less of "cheat" days vs. good days, that's what counts, right?
 
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Thursdays Babblings!
I woke up, and was hungry and craving a scone or something sugary. I stopped and reminded myself that I needed to post every inkling of food in this journal today and all my emotions tied to it. So that curtailed my splurging. Even as I rode in to work, I was mentally trying to talk myself out of going to McDonalds. I could of easily gone for a fruit n' yogurt parfait for breakfast and left it at that, but I was beginning to think of how tasty pancakes would of been. Then I reminded myself again.. of this journal and decided against it. In addition I reminded myself that I was probably craving those things out of the fact that I wasn't looking forward to work today. Then again I never am. So its like a way of rewarding myself for surviving the morning at the office.. I hit the grocery store instead..for some bagels and light cream cheese.

Breakfast: Everything Bagel w/ light onion and chive cream cheese 300 calories & cup of coffee with Creme Brulee creamer 50 calories.. total 350 calories
Water:20 oz
Lunch:ham sandwich on wheat bread. Approx 170 calories
Drink: Diet coke... 0 calories
Snack: awful nasty trail mix 150 calories & wheat thins 130 calories, 280 calories
Subtotal: 930 calories
Drink:Diet coke.. 0 calories
Afternoon Snack: wheat thins 130 calories
Dinner:Chicken Viola! and frozen fries.. no idea on calories.. but hey, better than other things! ;)
Dessert:popcorn 100 calories

So bored at work now!! I wanted to eat more wheat thins.. but I put the box away from my reach so I couldn't continue. I wouldn't normally have a whole box near by but I just bought a new one from the store this morning for my afternoon lunch. Good to know I can control myself.

So far so good.. I can do this. :)
 
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NothinToLose said:
Awesome job! I'm glad you resisted!

Question: Do you make yourself feel bad after you binge? Do you feel like you've failed? Do you make yourself feel guilty? I used to do them all the time. I'd make myself feel really bad, and then I'd want to binge even more (food for comfort). I stopped making myself feel guilty, and then I don't feel like what I'm doing is morally wrong, so binging kind of lost its luster as forbidden fruit. Don't know if it makes sence, but it worked for me. Maybe it'll help you and also realizing that hiding from others does not allow you to hide from yourself, because YOU know about it.

Also what has helped me tremendously is having ABSOLUTELY NO forbidded food. I can have what I want when I want it as long as my daily total is under 1200 calories. So, when I have that edge for Starbucks, I say, yes, I can have that, but then I would not be able to have my lunch, and I would be hungry all day, and since I don't want to be hungry all day, I pick foods with lower calories... I don't know if this approach would work for you, but it did for me, so far I've been successfully fooling myself into making great choices consistantly. Sometimes the desire to binge overpowered all the logic, and those were the "cheat" days, but as longs as there are less of "cheat" days vs. good days, that's what counts, right?
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No all of that makes complete sense. :) And yeah I totally feel guilty after binging. And sometimes I think I almost thrive on that. As absurd as it sounds. Its like the needy kid doing naughty things for attention, even though all they get is negative attention, its still attention! Anyhow.. I think thats an excellent idea. :) Thanks.. for the info. It'll be hard to get that way, as my habits are very engrained..but I thnk i can do it :)
 
Thanks you guys!!! :) So I'm going to msg Sid and have him read the last few pgs of my journal.. lol.. oh may mean he keeps a better eye on me, but that's OK.. maybe I need it. :)
 
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