<3Cerella's Restarting, Refocused and Remotivated<3

WOW Sounds like I got tonight off and I totally forgot I asked for it off, lol.Nothing majour, we have a staff meeting on Wednesday, with working the nights it isnt cruitical that I attend, I only need to attend a few each year but I don like to come and Wednesday is a big one but I refuse to work the night before the staff meeting, lol.I wont work 10pm (Tues) till 7am Wednesday - go home like sleep for maybe 3 hrs which wouldnt happen anyway (between gettin the lil one up and outta the house to daycare and back to bed) to come to the staff meeting for 1200pm and staying till 5pm and returning at midnight to work,nope no siree bob, LOL...

Anyway it works out well as I need to be up all day today adn am sick once agian...
 
Awww! being sick is no fun!!! For some reason this year i have gotten sick more times already then any other typical year!!!! its strange!


Hope you feel better soon!!!! Try to get some sleeep!!!!!!
 
bmohearn said:
Change what you need to change. But do not give up. Rest when you need to rest. But do not give up. Do what you can, and be happy. You WILL get out of the 200's eventually. But it will be hard, its hard for everyone.

"Never give on something you can't go a day without thinking about"
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Thanx Brandy, I love this quote...We all know how scale obsessed I am LOL...and im not expecting this to be easy, ive been here as long as you Babe...obviously ive been around all this time for a reason, LOL

Schwa said:
Hey you,

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough go of it. Just try to keep in mind that things will turn around and you'll be feeling better in no time. Isn't that pretty much always the case? Still, I’m sure we can all agree when saying to hell the ups and downs of our emotional and physical roller coasters!
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*UGH* Ya - I think I have just been pmsing and the lack of nutrition from eating like crap hasnt helped me any, LOL...I have alot going on at home right now and at work...

momma4alex said:
Girl you can't give up now. Your body just needs some rest and water and probably protein. I was told by a doctor today that i need to make sure i get plently of protein in my diet as otherwise your body will be more tired cause it can't recharge your blood as well.

anyways.. i found the way to get the movies but thanks for telling me about the utorrent. I would have never thought about it at all.

yeah we need to catch up there is a lot that we have missed chatting about..
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:DIm so glad youfigured things out Heather.That utorrent is fucking awesome:DIm not really gonna give up, I was just allowing myself to speak out loud, lol...We all know what lack of exercise does to me, plus ive been sick and Taneesha hsa been sick for weeks and now round number 2:(And Im sick agian...combine that with my lack of sleep and turned up schedule (Appearantly Im a creature of habit - Who would have thought, LOL)
Yes I am working on the protein cuz I really dont eat much at least I dont think I get anywhere near what Im supposta...

Ya we still ahve lots to talk abt...I didnt realize how much Ive missed chattin with you, Im so glad you have your lap top back:)

Buckeye21 said:
Look at you posting queen!!!!!! You are so on the ball it is nuts! You ARE going to make it out of the 200s. This week follow everything you want and you'll be flying. If you don't lose, talk to someone at a gym to ask what you can change. Maybe you need to mix up your routine or even *gasp* take a week off! hahaha Whatever it is I'm sure you'll be fine, you have the most amazing drive, and with that you can accomplish anything!
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HA - to a week off or switch things up...I always do a wide varity of stuff...and ya it is funny when I go to my parents I always take it off and eat alot more and consistantly and i never gain...I always look at that as my refeed...LOL

As far as posting...Ive been trying to just go threw my sunbscriptions quiickly ad I have them when I check and that doesnt bury me...I ahve alot of ppl I care abt and follow and then I have the challenge that Im trying to keep up with LOL...DAMN it is SO MUCH!!!

Happychubette said:
Hey Cerella I wanna cheer you on but it looks to me like you're diet is way high in carbs and not enough protein. Have you tried eating an egg with as many egg whites as you like to be full? Also you have a bad habit with the donuts. Have you seen Oxygen magazine? Its for women who train. Hope you find a copy and have a look, it will help you clean up your diet. My diet is so simple and easy now, I cook one cup of brown rice and one package of ground buffalo and portion it out in to five containers, or cook chicken breasts and measure out 3 oz and freeze them in little snack baggies. Also measure out my yogurt and blueberries and ground flax. Whenever I eat I just grab something like that from the fridge its super easy portion control and its always ready. The most I have to do is steam some broccoli. Granted I'm eating the same six meals each day, now in to my third week doing it, but each meal in the day is different so that's my variety, and I lost water weight as its low in salt. Its going great and I'm just gonna stick to it even though its familiar, the pay off is that its a controlled reducing diet and I'm losing weight. Its easy for me to say, though, I don't have to take care of any one but myself and my boys on occasion. It just helped me so much showing my food journal to the trainer at the gym and he suggested these six small meals a day. I'm a little hungry at night and go to bed earlier so I'm less tempted to eat but I'm making it through the day on less. Hope you can find the help you need with your menu.
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Well I dont really eat donuts very often, I couldnt tell ya the last tiem I ate one bseides this weekend.

My diet has benn alot higher carb based this last week or so for a few reasons...A)Ive had no groceries, all Ive had is waht is available B)Ive been sick , so Ive been fueling my body all those carbs it seems to want while tired and sick C)Ive been sick and have had a sick kid for the last 2 weeks home from daycare and everyday sicker with diff symptoms, so Im running off of nothing and D)With beign tired and exhausted and sick I have been allowing myself conveinance...Im working on that one.

The chinese food had been planned all week.

I know my diet has been high carb...Im working on switching things up adn trying to change my habits, it is hard and takes one day at a time and one meal at a time...Im trying to figure out how to balance out my nutrition more and how to get more protein (why I started taking protein powder I need to work up to two shakes a day...Im working on trying to slowly add and get all teh nutritional componeints I can...slowly and surely im striving to balacne everythign out and reach my poteinal healthiness, lol...I know i have tweaking to do and Im gettin more and more aware of it and am working on it...and realizing how important it is...

Blancita said:
I dont blame you for being so frustrated. You work so hard and its just not right. Finding the right doctor and more reseach is a good idea..its got to be hormonal somehow.. But dont give up because all that exercise and good eating is keeping you maintaining and healthy. We understand how you feel though and hope you're feeling better.
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Ya I hear ya Hun...My hair has been fallin out:(Worse than normal, lol...like im sheddin more and more and pulling out more with my fingers as I run my hands through it...my hands turn cold as ice...I mean like iceburgers cold...My ankles and my wrists have been swelling which has never happenned before...LOL...Im just a big old healthy bucket I am, LOL...I am gonna persue things more, just need the money adn a better doc...money cuz im gonna go and see someone trianed in seeing these thngs and who knows wht to look for and such...

reluctantcabbie said:
Hey Sweetie! When you're not feeling good, it seems like everything tries to come unraevelled doesn't it? Hope your feeling better soon.

Good call on choosing a little less exercise until your body gets settled back into a normal rythm. I wish you could get more sleep too.

Hugs :hug2:
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Yes, I havent been pushing myself Ive been resting every chance I have instead of killing myself with exercise...but I still clocked over 4 hrs this week...and my walks have been intense...the 3 I did anyway...my shin cramps were bad on tues adn thurs too but i managed to walk through them I couldnt on Sunday...

Sleep, my friend, I ask you, What is that:confused::rolleyes::confused:I see you have jumped on teh band wagon of the Cerella needs more sleep club, HA:)I get what I can...it isnt much but keeps me functioning usually...

mom2 said:
Relly-hang in there hun, thanks for stopping by, I need it! I hope everyone in your fam gets back on health wagon and those nasty shin splints go away geez those are bad you can find alot good stretches online for them.
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aaawww anytime Babe...I hadnt been by in a bit and it is important to knwo your not alone and that others are struggling a bit too...Ya no ryme or reason to them coming back...well I figure it is a bunch of lil things...time to get myself back on the band wagon and my regular routine...I def gotta restart with my yoga...I think that def helps with all my activity...
 
Wow that was a monster post! Your thread is really active! Sounds like you are in a bit of a slump. I am workin through one too. So how about doing something different short term to kinda jump start yourself again? Is there a new exercise thing of maybe a one week diet or an aerobics class or power yoga ( I dont know what the hell that is but Alta does it) I am about to try a little personal refocus myself. I was so bent on reaching 50lb loss that once I got there I have stalled. Lookin for ideas myself. So what cha gonna do little sister? We either gotta get better or get worse or stay the same and I dont like two out of the three choices. How bout you?
 
Im addicted to these two songs as well, lol...I absolutly love the dirty dancing one:D




Kelly Clarkson
My Life Would Suck

Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again

Chorus:
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong
For tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up, too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can't let you go
Oh, yeah

'Cause we belong together now, (yeah, yeah)
Forever united here somehow, (yeah)
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

'Cause we belong (yeah) together now (together now) (yeah)
Forever united here somehow (yeah)
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you




New Kids On The Block
Dirty Dancing

Wasn't in the mood for dancin', forget about romancing
Cause I already got a lady
Wasn't tryin' to be flirty, wasn't feeling dirty
'Til this shorty started runnin' on me

With her itty-bitty waist and her pretty pretty face
And the leanest, meanest, maddest, baddest body
Didn't have no time to waste, she was looking for a taste
And she was wanting me to party

Bridge:
Ooo, she so crazy, she's like Baby, I'm like Swayze
I said, Ooo, and I'm burning up
So, lets turn it up, I said turn it up now

Chorus:
She's dirty dirty dancing, dirty dancing on me
She's dirty dirty dancing, dirty dancing on me
She's dirty dirty dirty dir dirty dancing on me
She's dirty dirty dancing, dirty dancing on me

Now, I ain't looking for no drama,
I don't want no karma, cause my baby sittin' in bed at home
But you know that I be lying to say that I aint trying
To get this shorty with me all alone

With her pretty lips and them big 'ol hips
It's getting hotter when she touch me with her fingertips
And them sexy eyes and them big 'ol thighs
It's getting hotter like The Block up in the summertime

Bridge

Chorus

(2x)Now, I know that my girl is alone
And she's been blowing me up on my phone
But I can shower when I get back home
Cause tonight I'm dancing dirty, yeah..

Bridge

Chorus (2x)
 
Ya know lately, I feel like Im reliving my seperation...over and over and over again...

I have triggers that are being re-triggered...Im catching things faster and noticing my patterns but ya know...old habits are hard to break...

I dealt with so much with him and i dealt with things, did the best i could and got over stuff...even though things arent buggin me as much now as they were before they are still there...

I wonder if im doomed to have a relationship with a man, lol...I cant even seem to have a plutonic/emotional one...so much still hits me and reminds me of the asshole and how i was treated and how i felt and so on...

Im still in defense mode, where I wanna curl up into a ball in the fetal position and where i rebuild my wall and start shutting down...I was past this to a point but now im back here, fun stuff, lol

All these damn songs that I am relating to and so on...Well ive read the lyrics, geeesh...something is going on sub consciously...

 
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yeah i can relate to how u feel. i've kinda had that after admitting certain things to myself. i kinda expected that once i was honest with myself things will immediately go for the better. they didn't. there was no immediate letting go, immediate 'i'm over it' stuff. BUT i knew where the problem was. I started paying attention to the patter itself. and i changed the pattern. it was only up to me to do that.

being honest with yourself, accepting the pain and accepting your own emotions does not resolve them. it doesn't abolish the bad...but it can push you in the right direction. you made that step. you were honest with yourself. now you need to make the new step. you need to learn how to let go of it. meditation will definitely help you with that.

the thing is..being defensive didn't get you anywhere..you were still hurt...over and over by same man. because everything with him is familiar. you were kinda expecting it every time, although you were hoping he changed.
what you are afraid of is not so much the fact of getting hurt. i think you're afraid of unknown. afraid of the new. yes you could get hurt. but you can also become extremely happy. one day you will have to take a chance and risk it. and you shouldn't be afraid of that.

you are sooo strong for your girls. be like that for yourself. at the end of the day...there are never sure things in life...except the fact that its too short.

release the bad and make yourself happy cerella :) you can :)
 
I have other things going on that I cant/wont/dont want to talk abt...These things are effecting me emotionally right now...

Nothin is abt John anymore they havent been for a while...what bothers me though is he is in my thoughts alot lately, not him but everythign that happenned and what we went though (me and the girls) Everythign I had to toss aside and pretent I was ok with to be strong for the girls...

I need to repraze that, I dont want John anymore, before i always did cuz i still loved him and thought I still wanted him...I havent felt liek that in a very loooong time.He is the last person in this world I want to talk to see or spend anytime with.I would be happy if the rest of my life went by with never hearing from him again or seeing him but that wont happen.As long as I have Taneesha he will use that as his excuse to get in or try to.

As far as honesty...Ive always been honest with myself...Just because I ahvent said it out loud here in my diary doesnt mean I havent been honest with myself...but my biggest problem is I dont feel I deserve to be happy...anyway that is neither here nor there.

I need to focus on myself to make myself happy, to do that I need to get rid of this weight...I will not be happy with my outter self till i loose more weight and look better according to me...this is my journey right now to loose weight...

Ive been not exercising much due to tirdness/sickness and my whole world kinda beign turned upside down at the moment...Well I have been exercizing alot still but not at the same caliber...gotta step things up a bit and get outta this emotional hell im in...

 
Cerella, I'm so sorry you're re-living The Old Deal over and over again--you DON'T deserve that and you DO deserve to be happy. I see you bounce back and forth and it's so heartwrenching! :( The lack of support for raising your daughters, the ex popping in to take a shit on your emotions and popping out, the overnight shifts that fuck with your sleeping.....awww Cerella! :cry: I know you will bounce back and be happy again, you're RIDICULOUSLY strong when it comes to that. :gnorsi: Hang in there, I hope you can one day just see your beauty and start accepting the Good that's there in the world for you.

HUGS :grouphug:
 
:hug2:Thanx Val:hug2:

My emotions do jump back and forth alot as I get run down, drained and tired...emotionally it gives me a shit kicking...lately Ive been needing to just express myself, ya know...
 
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I think to the other difference is that when I first started this diary, I wanted it to be strictly about my weihgt loss journey and nothing more and nothing personal...

I had some issues quite some time ago, Id prefer not to talk about from here and since then when I decided to rejoin, I thought nothing will be personal, or as little info as I can manage....

Ltely and especially since the medetating Ive been alot more emotional and needing to get more out and talk abt how I have been feeling and such as Im sure it has hinderance or goes hand in hand with my weight loss...

I ALSO NEVER EXPECT ANYONE TO READ MY BABBLE I JSUT NEED TO GET IT OUT!!!
 
expressing is good :D it gets shit out of the way :D i'm here for you u know that :)

about the honesty...i think i expressed it wrong. what i meant was...u were putting your emotions aside because you had to be strong for the girls. now these emotions are emerging (because of meditation probably and the new situations you are in). i am sorry i used the wrong words. (in croatian honest does mean truthful to yourself, but it also means acknowledgment). so i guess what i wanted to say was: you acknowledged your hardships, what you went through. i hope you get what i mean.

you will feel better when you lose weight. as you lose weight you'll gain more self-confidence. as you gain more self-confidence you'll lose more weight. one has to feed the other :D and don't forget to pamper yourself.

hugs :)
lena
 
Ya know what i realized...I keep repeating the same mistakes...

Well we know that is a given BUT...Honestly, I just dont think I can have any emotional ties to a man period...I think I am just meant to be alone the rest of my life...and sexless, HA...I cant control my emotions, I cant handle them

Ive been "involved" with a man emotionally, just emotional...but I shouldnt have crossed the line that made it more emotional...

When stuff happens and goes wrong and changes, i beat myself up, emotionally and verbally...

I do better shut down with my wall up...

I also get i"nvolved" with men I know I cant and wont have...men who arent available...men whoI never have to committ to and so on...

GAWD im screwed up...

Ive been considering leaving the forum but I think I need it for myself for my weihgt loss or journey to trying ...And I want my friends here to see me succeed...Plus LOL it is really the only thing I do online...Although Im feleing like that isnt gonna be happening

I need to stop hiding behind this comp...

*ugh*I feel like such damaged good:(
 
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nooooo screwed up relationships are not your fault girl. they happen to the best of them/us. they just mean and show incompatibility. period. that does not mean you are emotionally screwed. no girl. that just means that the man who can calm you down, who can handle the storms with you he just didn't come along yet.

and off course you can have an emotional ties with a man. and you will when you're ready for it. you're mind will be ready and you won't even notice it. if you're not ready now that's perfectly fine. but believe me you will be.

hell we all love the 'unavailable' 'bad boy' type. we hate them and love them at the same time. and that goes both ways. we're not screwed...its the thrill of forbidden, of unknown that appeals us. eventually we get bored of those types. because the 'good' type is so much better...most of them are really good in bed and can be bad boys when needed lol :D

there were wonderful questions that steve put on his blog that helped me clear certain things about me. i didn't write down the responses. i will one day. i read through them and were just thinking about them. and i think about them every day. but one question emerged each time i was thinking and that was:

1. what can i do today to make my day/life better, fuller, happier?

i never do anything big. sometimes i do nothing. but most of the times i do...i go for a walk. watch tv. i listen to the sounds outside. i close my eyes and feel the sun on my face. i buy myself flowers. i do my nails. i call my friends. i do yoga. i smile. everyday. only for myself. because life is beautiful. i want to make it beautiful :D
 
:hug2:Thanx Sweetie:hug2:

I guess I got closer to this emotional person than I would liek to admit, he and the relationship meant ALOT to me more than I realized actually...

I never thougth for a moment that it would be over and that we would stop talking:(

Now it is just filling that void ya know, pretending i didnt care and it doesnt bother me, lol...keeping myself busy...Im not gonna do this agian, I shouldno better, nothing good ever comes of it...

I thought he would be a lifetime freind , not a reason or a season one:(



A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

 
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HUGE HUGS!!! :grouphug:!!!

.....God made SPECIAL PEOPLE in this world....and GOD KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN IT CAME AROUND TO YOU!!! :beating:!!! Cheer up babe!!!
 
that is sooo true. i've had people who came into my life for a reason, season and lifetime...and i am grateful for every single moment. but even the reason an d season sometime come back and become lifetime. there are never clear boundaries. i've had someone who has meant so much to me and was there for a reason/season....platonic love all the way. i haven't heard from him in 8 years..and just like that one day last year i get an email :D

all people you meet in life influence you. every single person that i've talked to, chatted with, made a s mall impact on me. people come and go...but they leave a trace. maybe the reason of this person was to show you that you CAN feel that way again about someone...and all you have to do is let someone in a bit. maybe that was the reason. and its ok to miss him, to think about him, even to dream...they're your thoughts. eventually someone else will occupy your thoughts once again :)
 
Lena - True enough, Ive thought abt that too but my negative and hurt feelings have me veiw it differently...thanx by the way:DYour just happy Im talking arent you:hug2:
 
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