2008: The Best Version of Myself

As for chilly in March... I'm not too worried about the cold... even though I'm sure it will suck to leave the gorgeous 70 degree weather that Georgia has in the spring... what I'm more worried about are any weather happenings that might prevent me from getting there by plane.... eek! *not thinking about it not thinking about it*
 
I do have recordings, the best being from my senior recital and I never did get a CD from when I had the principle role in the opera my last year... that's been on my to-do list for almost two years....
 
The scale budged!!!!

Ok, I really can't screw around on here today as I have massive amounts of work to get done... but the scale budged.... it budged it budged it budged! :party:
 
Yes... it went down. I'm not sure how much exactly because of course I had to check three different times to make sure I got a good weighing sample, plus I had just woken up and even when I'm wide awake it's still hard to tell where the swinging line lands on the dial... but it was NOT pasted at 195... that I could see... it was between 192-194... and I really don't care which of those numbers (although 192 might be a bit more rejoiceful) but it was the motivation I needed to get me through the week.

One day at a time... one week at a time... one month at a time. To be honest, I can't stand to think about the long term. Perhaps that has always been my problem in the past. Focusing too much on the future that it's too stressful to get through the day with such advanced expectations (in all areas of my life really). It would be nice to be in th 180s for Hawaii in about a month and it would be nice be between 175-180 for Carnegie Hall in March but I'm not pushing the anxiety of a deadline. I'm pushing hard to eat my give-or-take-a-few 1800 cals everyday (which really needs to stop going to shit on the weekends) and making it to the gym Monday-Friday. My goal is to make this a lasting change.... losing 60 pounds would be a casualty of the difference I am trying to achieve.
 
Half the week is over... it feels so much later in the year than second week of January. The holidays feel like they were ages ago. Kickboxing tonight, then the boy is coming over and I'm making him dinner, and then snuggling on the couch to watch Italian job and bed. I'm looking forward to reading Eat, Pray, Love that my friend Kate just sent me for Christmas. I'm barely started and I already want so many more things for myself. I actually wouldn't mind if this book showed me a thing or two....
 
I made it to the gym last night... another great workout. However at the end of class i noticed that the inside of my right ankle was swollen. I don't remember hurting it and it didn't hurt so I thought nothing of it. This morning it is more swollen and I'm not sure why. I took some ibuprofen to help with the inflamation but I'm thinking of just taking the night off from the gym. Going from couch potato status to an intense workout probably has egged it on. Plus last night Jeff slept over and while I adore that boy in everyway possible, sometimes he just needs to stop talking and go to sleep. We chatted until I took a shower at 10:30, then chatted some more, watched the first 30 minutes of the Italian Job, crawled into bed and the he talked for another 45 minutes. Then it was 12:30 and the alarm was going off at 5:30 so he could get to work. I'm already looking forward to my caffeine fix at lunch... something to get me out of this tired slump today.

This morning my stomach also felt hard... and not in a good way. Last week after workouts, the next morning my belly fat would be soft but this week it's been hard and getting harder. I'm not happy about that. I also measured my waist this morning since I didn't have a scale and the waist and hips are up a half inch. I'm not sure why and I'm really trying not to stress about it. And when I say I'm really trying not to stress... it's because I'm already stressed and I'm trying to pretend that I'm Joe Cool.
 
*le sigh*

Went home last night and promptly curled up on my couch with my book. Took a small ten minute nap and made the most delicious dinner I've cooked in ages. Then curled up in bed and read my book until about 10 when I decided to go to sleep early since the two nights before I had less than five hours each. But last night was not as restful as I had hoped. A little bit past 1am, my eyes flew open and I felt panicked and immediately felt like I needed to call Jeff... but then I realized that he called me on his way home last night so I was sure he was safe and decided not to bother. I also had a bad dream and when I woke up it took me some time to realize that the dream was a dream and it wasn't real, but the whole idea of what happened has just made me feel sick to my stomach all morning. So now I feel irritated, unsettled, and just kinda sad. I really need to pull it together:(
 
Sorry you had some bad dreams last night, Goddess. I've been having some pretty terrible ones lately, too, so I know how you feel.

On the other hand, great job getting past 195. :party: And you have a great attitude!! Keep it up!
 
bad dreams suck... I get far too many of them and it's tough waking up and trying to convince yourself that it was just a dream (you old enough to remember that dream season of dallas or the final episode of newhart? :D

hope you have a more restful sleep tonite or at least can take a nap during the day..
 
Sorry about the nightmare, Brunette. You know it may be because you've been missing so much sleep your body went into a really heavy REM state (when you dream).

Don't let it shake you!
 
Just stopped by to change my ticker:) Actually had to get a new one because I couldn't remember my pin... and that will happen pretty much all the time. Had a decent weekend. It sucks that when you're trying to save money it means sitting at home doing nothing. But I'm about to leave Jeff's to go home, take a shower, clean, get a new swimsuit, hit the grocery store, and cook for the week ahead.

Back on the exercise horse tomorrow. Haven't been to kickboxing since Wednesday but the ankle doesn't appear to be swollen anymore. I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on it. But here's to another week, maybe another two pounds, and I'm looking forward to eating right and making it to kickboxing.
 
What's the new swimsuit for and where do you find one in the dead of winter?! Do you do swimming for exercise or are you going somewhere warm and lovely? When will you be in NYC again? Hope you're doing well :).
 
cruisewear is in most of the stores now -so swimsuits are probably easier to find now than in july :) though trying one on with pasty white skin in the harsh fluorescent lights of the fitting room is scary :D
 
What's the new swimsuit for and where do you find one in the dead of winter?! Do you do swimming for exercise or are you going somewhere warm and lovely? When will you be in NYC again? Hope you're doing well :).

The swimsuit would be for my trip to Hawaii in THREE WEEKS! THREE WEEKS PEOPLE! WOOOOOOHOOOO!... I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am. I've not been on a vacation in seven years. Jeff and I were talking about it last night. My boyfriend is the King of Procrastination/No Focus and last night he goes to me, "So have you bragged to all your friends or are you waiting until the plans are more concrete?".... and by that he means, are you going to wait until the day before we leave when you nag me to pack my suitcase that we're definitely going. And I said, "Well my plans are concrete. I'm going on vacation whether you are or not." And he goes, "Oh, I guess that settles it." This also reminds me that I need to get life insurance so my parents are taken care of if I kick it snorkeling.

Anyway, Blancita... Target down here had the bathing suits out right after New Years. And when I went on Saturday they were already picked through! I was able to find about 6 in my size and settled on 2, but I'm only keeping one. I need to decide which one soon so I can return the other one. But I bought those tankinis that cover your belly. I look better in a two piece... that one piece business is awful for anyone who isn't skinny.

I would love to swim for exercise and I did last summer because Jeff's apartment complex has a pool, but it's clearly too cold to do that now and my gym doesn't have an indoor pool.

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So I made it back to the gym last night after almost a week long hiatus... man it sucks trying to get back in the groove after only missing a week. However I've just been in this terrible emotional mood. I'm PMSing and I thought that exercising and eating better this last month would mean that PMS wouldn't happen (in the past pms has disappeared when I'm in better shape), except it has happened and it's terrible. Since Sunday I've been overly emotional for no reason, completely happy and giddy one minute and then just bawling my eyes out the next. I also feel sad. Like, really sad. There is no reason for me to feel really sad. And last week i was delighting in the fact that I have my own place all to myself and this week I dread going home to no one.

My mood was even apparent at the gym last night when Nick (instructor) came over to me and said, "Buck up little camper!" Last night's workout sucked. I couldn't get into it. My kicks and punches were really soft. It's also bothering me more that everyone is skinny. Part of the problem was that it used to be a handful of people and now the class is full so I feel claustraphobic and crammed in, can't move, etc. And the new people are all skinnier than the original group of girls I call "The Skinnies". I feel like such a sore thumb and when I crap out on the workout itself I just think that I can't keep doing it; losing weight is going to be impossible because I feel like I'm going to die if I have to keep doing this everyday. Clearly my period needs to come so this entire shitty mood can go away.
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That post was really a downer. I'm in a decent, albeit tired mood at the moment. I need to put together a list of upbeat music. Ok... need to get things done this morning... so much to do!
 
think hawaii :)

sunshine, beaches, palm trees... relaxation... that's good for what ails you...

Sorry you're feeling so down... hey Nick called you Little :) positive baby positive :D
 
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