Manic Monday... wish it were Sunday
Start of a new week. I'm getting back on track with this slimming down thing. I feel happy with myself that even though I got off track for a month (and a half...), that I'm ready to go again. I'm glad I didn't just chuck it all to shit for another year when my self esteem is low.
So I went grocery shopping yesterday and I just don't understand why eating healthy has to be so expensive. If I want to eat healthy for a week, it's costs me about $50... granted if I wanted to make 21 meals out of all of the food I bought I could. Though I think I only make somewhere around 14-16 meals with the rest eaten at Jeff's, eaten out or just not eaten because it's the weekend. I digress... I guess I just don't understand how a family with children can afford to eat healthly. I know it's a big problem that a lot of ppl either deal with personally or think about politically/thru media, etc., but damn people! $150 for a family of 3 to eat healthy for a week... probably more since I don't buy veggies and I honestly can't afford $6 for a pound of fruit (i usually end up with canned or dried fruits). I am also unhappy about the amount of preservatives and HFCS in things. I almost feel as though I really need to dedicate myself to making everything from scratch so that I don't end up with maltodextrin, etc. And I know a lot of ppl look for HFCS, but what they don't realize is that anything with the phrase "partially hydrogenated oil" is the same thing. Anyway I was trying to buy granola for my yogurt. I think I'm going to start having to get organic or plain yogurt and blending fruit into it... both have additives in them otherwise. Unless I buy Bare Naked granola at FIVE DOLLARS a bag... for like 3.5 cups of granola. I also wanted to have bbq chicken in my lunch and I've never bought bbq sauce in my life (just started to like it), got it home and noticed HFCS. I have a recipe in a recent issue of Bon Appetit that I'm going to try. I do feel better when I have a grocery cart full of fresh, natural things but even being single with no one else to take care of I don't have the time to dedicate myself to making every little thing.
Update on my lifestyle change... I think about the phrase "lifestyle change" quite a bit. The meaning is obvious but I do find myself pondering if the things I'm doing now... the eating better and the exercising are really going to stick. It's not that I don't have perserverance, it's just that life gets in the way. But the things I have learned to change and have only recently realized that I'm doing are these things: I eat yogurt with granola or fruit every morning. I eat a healthy breakfast consistently. I don't spend weeks eating breakfast bars or breakfast sandwiches or bagels with cream cheese. Not to say I don't ever eat that stuff because I certainly do. But I've realized that when I go to the grocery store to buy food I always have yogurt with fruit/granola on the shopping list. I have made a lifestyle change that is now so natural I consider it... changed! I've also learned to forgive myself when I eat something not so healthy... whether it's a brownie and ice cream with jeff at night, a fast food meal, way too many pieces of cheese... I've finally learned not to obsess over it. To just recognize that if I dont make it a regular habit, it's not going to hurt me one damn bit.
Lastly... relationships are an interesting thing. I finally sat down and had a heart to heart with Jeff. I'd been upset about some things since Christmas that I just never metioned because I hate feeling like the Complaint Committee... and I do recognize that you need to pick your battles wisely because in the end, you don't need to hash out everything. I had spoken with a very close friend of mine two weekends ago about it and she pointed out, quite rightly, that even though I think I'm telling him what I want... I am in fact not. While I think we're communicating, I'm only half communicating and half bottling it up until I have a crappy day and I unload a laundry list of annoyances... completely anti-productive in any relationship. So I sat down with him and I explained that I wasn't filing a complaint, that he did nothing wrong, that he's not a terrible boyfriend and despite my actions/words sometime I really couldn't be happier, but that there were things I had been upset about and it I just wanted to get it off my chest. I got things off my chest. We talked a lot of things through. It came out that he was under the impression that I would be looking for an engagement ring in the next year which is something he is not ready for. I explained that I am also not in a position in my life to want to be that serious with someone... even though I have made it known that I do want to get married to him... eventually... like, engaged around 27-28 would be nice if we are still together. I think he was relieved to hear that I wasn't hunting for ring. The only sad thing out of the whole talk was that he expressed that he may never want to get married. He told me that he's not sure he ever wants to open himself up to a person that way again. I asked him if it was that he never wanted to marry me or if it was general. He said that's what he didn't know. That's what he's been trying to figure out. He said he's been getting scared again and pulling back just a bit. He has a huge phobia of being close to someone. He was blindsided by being left by his last girlfriend and he has expressed never wanting to put himself in a situation where that can happen again... even if it means remaining closed off. So I don't know what to think about that. He said that while he feels that way he sees no reason for us to break up because we are happy, and we're best friends, and for how completely different we are it just works in unexplainable ways, and that maybe when he's closer to being at a point in his life where marriage is an option that timing could change the whole thing. But I do worry about wasting time. I'm not power dating to get to the altar... but if I'm going to be spending quite a few years dating someone, loving someone, giving them my time and attention I do have that interest at heart. Nonetheless after it was all said and done, and he was dropping me off at my place last night after quite a wonderful weekend together, I was a bit sad about going home to my apt by myself (plus a few other things) and I was crying a little bit and we played cat and mouse where he asked what's wrong and I said oh... nothing, just being a girl. And then I think Vivaldi resurrected himself from the dead because suddenly there was this epiphanal orchestral soundtrack when I heard Jeff speak the words, "If you tell me what's bothering you, it will make you feel better." So our talk about communicating worked! And I thought it was quite terrific of him to help me communicate with him because it made me feel splendid to get it off my chest.
Ah, happy Monday everyone... I think it's going to be a beautiful week
