My wife needs fitness help

[acenmbr1]

I want to get my wife into better shape. Right now she is in horrible shape all around. She is 34 y/o, 5'4" tall, probably 210 lbs (she won't tell me the exact weight), and eats horribly. Since she does our grocery shopping, that causes the kids and I to eat horribly as well. I don't exactly know what her eating habits are during the day, but I am pretty sure she goes to fast food places or sportsbar type places for her lunch, and she hardly ever eats breakfast. She does not work out at all and has only worked out a little here and there. For the past 3 years I have heard her say that she wants to get in shape, but the most I have seen her exercise is when we take a walk around the block. We have an 8 mos old baby daughter and my wife seems to be more serious about working out now, but still hasn't lifted a finger.

What can I do to get her off her fat butt to exercise, and eat semi-healthy? I am concerned with her health, how long she will live and the example she is setting for our kids. I have tried to talk to her about it, and her only responses are "I know" and "When do I have time?" I may sound callous, but I am at my breaking point. Over the past 3-4 years, I have tried to be supportive, courteous, jovial, stern, you name it and I have tried. And her weight just seems to go up. She will be a stay at home mom starting next week, so she will have time to eat right and get some exercise in.

Someone please give me a home workout that she can do or some advice on another way I can approach this with her that might work. Nothing seems to be working.

 

[Bookworm54]

Telling her to "get off her fat butt" might not do it...

Suggestions - offer to do the grocery shopping yourself, go with her, or make a list of foods you want for her to buy for you; set an example then by YOU being the one to start eating well and exercising, rather than trying to suggest/tell her she should; find fun activities you can do together or with your kids to all be active together - biking, sports, walking, etc.

But ultimately you can't make someone change unless they want to, and all you can do is try to be supportive and love her for who she is.

 

[happysj56]

If you are not overweight I don't think you can begin to understand the pain and shame that comes with it. And if the person you love most in the world is outwardly critical of you, that just adds to how miserable you feel.

I suggest that you make a list of everything you love, like, and admire about your wife and make an effort to compliment her on one of those things every day. Also look at what you can do to make her life easier - helping around the house, with the baby, etc. Think of words like 'You will always be beautiful to me' and then say them to her.

If you want her to buy healthy food, offer to go to the store with her. Offer to make one or two meals a week. Plan a time on the weekend to prepare meals together. Ask her to go for walks with you. Join a gym and hire a babysitter and go together - or stay home with the baby so that she can go by herself or with one of her girlfriends. Sign up for a charity walk for something you both care about and train together.

Become the person that she can confide in, listen to her non-judgementally, and love her unconditionally - isn't that what you would want from her?

 

[tribal1]

I want to get my wife into better shape. .....
What can I do to get her off her fat butt to exercise, and eat semi-healthy? ....

Can you not "see" the problem? Unless you’re a practical joker your wife should be the one posting here - I wonder how you speak to her in front of the kids/family .. Er well.

Nuff' said.

 

[flyinfree]

good luck with that

I am advanced in dumb- but you are stupid!

 

[Typhon]

LMAO, please say you're joking! You're at your wits end? Lol, her size is her business, not yours.

If your wife was my sister or daughter I'd have put your head through a wall by now

Your kid is 8 months old and I'm willing to bet you go to work while she looks after your little girl. If that's the case then you have no idea how much she does everyday and how hard it is to find time for yourself when looking after a baby.

 

[13moonmama]

Your kid is 8 months old and I'm willing to bet you go to work while she looks after your little girl. If that's the case then you have no idea how much she does everyday and how hard it is to find time for yourself when looking after a baby.

This is very true! I'm gonna be your wife's perspective here... I'm a sahm with a 5 year old and a toddler and I'd be lucky if I get to put makeup on, eat without being interrupted, go to the bathroom without being interrupted, or bath without rushing myself. 24 hours a day every day, without sick days, vacation days, or any days off... and for 5 years straight! For the last 5 years I have never once been able to wake up when I wanted to wake up. I am forever sleep deprived. And when my daughter was 8 months old? Forget it! My ex used to complain when I'd ask him to watch the kids when I went to the grocery store. You know how many times I've delt with fits, crying spells, and issues in a grocery store? It makes it hard to focus. Last time, I had to go out to the car to change my daughter! When finally left, it was dark!

During naps and rare times when I could be exercising... I also want to catch up on bills, house cleaning, anything else I need and have to do, plus those things I dream of doing like painting. (I'm an artist) sewing, gardening, getting on the computer..... But I usually zap all free time getting caught up around the house, cause the house falls apart when your baby needs you 24/7. I like to stay up at night to have a little me time, even if it means waking up and doing it all over again on 5 hours of sleep. The next night, I'm way too tired and fall asleep while putting the kids to bed, without any me time. And then, just doing it all over again. Which is why convenience food comes in handy. So often, I'll be making dinner, frantically, while the baby cries and tugs on my leg.... I'll get a bunch of pots and pans out and wooden spoons to distract her, it becomes boring to her in 5 or 10 minutes, and then I have another mess to clean up. Or I could try to do everything one handed.. sitting her down when I need 2 hands... long enough to make her mad... pick her back up crying... bouncing her as I stir.... My arm and wrist hurting...

Then my ex.... he wouldn't even do his own dishes and would complain if I asked him to help in the middle of his stupid video game! When we broke up he said, "I'm not going to pay child support, you need to get off your ass and see what it's like to work for a living." And there I was, envious of those you get to come home at the end of the day and put their feet up. Funny thing, was that when said that, he had just started a new job, after being unemployed for 2 months! In which he played video games constantly and watched the kids for MAYBE 20 minutes a day, if I was lucky!

 

[flyinfree]

Where'ws the Gooch on this one???

 

[g8r80]

I don't know about ya'll, but I'm gonna cut the OP, adcembri, a little slack... he obviously cares for his wife and her wellbeing and is frustrated and desparate. I think any husband would be under those circumstances.

So, to restate what others have said, you will have to use a lot of diplomacy and love to encourage your wife to eat healthy. You could try buying the groceries yourself and if you get takeout, you buy the food. Also, put Junior ina babystroller and walk around the block. Or, get a baby stroller, hook it up to your bike and all three of you go for rides.

 

[RedT]

When I met my husband he had horrrrrrible eating habits but a fast metabolism so it was harder for me to convince him to eat healthier since he wasn't fat.

I don't know why people think that it's shallow and doesn't matter when after a few years of marriage they let themselves go to pot and gain 50 pounds. It does matter. Not only is it unattractive, but as the original poster pointed out he is worried about her health as well as the health of his children and he is looking for help, but he is frustrated. That makes him human and a good husband and father in my book.

Does she really have an interest in being healthier or does she just think it would be nice if it magically happened?

Your wife (like about a zillion other people) doesn't think she has time to work out. And probably finds exercise to be no fun. So you need to find her time and make exercise more fun.

After dinner take the kids out for a walk around the neighborhood. Sign up for a 5k with a charity you feel strongly about (obligation!) and walk it with your wife. Take the kids to the park and use the swings and climb the monkey bars with the kids- EVEN IF YOU'RE TIRED (because that will be her excuse). At first she will be dragging, but as you know, the more she does the more she will be able to do, but don't push too hard - she'll push back harder.

The easiest way to be more active is to have more active friends. You're going to sit around and eat nachos if all your friends ever sit around and eat nachos.

If she really wants to get healthy then you will have to give her a night off and possibly a weekend morning or afternoon off parenting duties and have her join an organized group of folks (that might cost some $$) - mall walking, spin class, run training, water aerobics. These are the people who call you and ask if you want to take a bike ride or walk with the kids (and occasionally for margaritas).

If there is a Danskin Triathlon in your area this is a great opportunity because the training groups are all about finishing and the atmosphere is so encouraging and it is all women (and lots of them, all shapes and sizes). There were woman in my training group (Team Danskin Training) who were over 300 lbs, 69 years old, recent moms, etc. When we started 90% of us thought that we would drown for sure 9including me), but almost everyone finished the race. The one woman in my group of 50 who didn't finish, had to be pulled off the course by an EMT - she didn't want to go! Look around for a similar training group in your area, whether it is for a Tri, a bike ride or a 5k.

Also, I agree with the poster who said that you need to be involved in the food shopping.

You can't go out and replace all twinkies and fruity puffs with kashi and tofu at once. I made sure that the healthy foods I wanted were in the house along with a bit less of the crap my hubbie ate. A lot of times my husband would eat "my" food as a fall back and he realized that he liked some of it, and he definitely ate more fruit.

Keep fruits available all the time - convenient and healthy. I also buy whole shelled nuts (eat less when you have to stop to shell them) and shelled nuts that I portion out into sandwich bags (much easier to eat one portion and stop).

And over the course of the past three years he is eating much healthier. Although he'll never be as neurotic as I, I'm much less worried about him keeling over. He's even joined in on several 5k's (next year I 'm going to try to get him to run a 10K)

Offer to make dinner a night or too. Keep it simple but tasty - broiled chicken with brown rice and veggies, a big veggie salad and one of those rotisserie chickens, whole grain pasta with marinara (you can add some seasoned ground turkey for a meat sauce).

Set a good example and definitely compliment her on non-weight related things (ie. don't say "have you lost some weight" if you know she hasn't). The better she feels about herself and her relationship the more she will want to "do better".

All I can say is good luck, because if it were easy 65% of the population wouldn't be overweight.

 

[Phate89]

I agree with G8 and RedT.
Your wife is practically just not motivated enough to get started, you need to change the momentum and alter her current course by doing the grocery shopping, and what the above posters said. Telling her she is beautiful now will only feed her denial and keep the thought of her having to lose weight being thrown deeper into her subcounscisness. But don't be too critical and remember the fact she has alot of work to do, especially with an 8 month old.

 

[theGOOCH]

Where'ws the Gooch on this one???

I just discovered this thread. I have to agree that being a stay at home parent is a lot tougher than people think. I had these grand ideas to keep the house immaculate since I'd be home all day. I'm lucky to have time to do a couple loads of laundry and get the kitchen cleaned up half the time.

Original Poster:

I think it's a good thing you're concerned about your wife, however you are disrespectful. This can actually exacerbate her problem. Not many people feel gung-ho about fitness when they feel bad about themselves.

Read the stickies about exercise and nutrition here and plan to work on it together.

 

[tonymcclellan]

My ex used to complain when I'd ask him to watch the kids when I went to the grocery store.

Then my ex.... he wouldn't even do his own dishes and would complain if I asked him to help in the middle of his stupid video game! When we broke up he said, "I'm not going to pay child support, you need to get off your ass and see what it's like to work for a living." And there I was, envious of those you get to come home at the end of the day and put their feet up. Funny thing, was that when said that, he had just started a new job, after being unemployed for 2 months! In which he played video games constantly and watched the kids for MAYBE 20 minutes a day, if I was lucky!

This was the father? What a lame ass. I dont understand dads or parents in general like this. Sure there are sometimes when I want to do something for myself on Sunday or so (my only day off usually) but for the most part I dont get to spend ENOUGH time with my son. I love getting out of class early so I can rush home and play with him.

I do miss Madden though, its been a while since I played.

 

[Typhon]

And there I was, envious of those you get to come home at the end of the day and put their feet up.

Lol, so true! At the moment I work 5 days a week and my girlfriend works at the weekend so I get 2 days of being a lone parent and I can promise everyone that being the sole carer for a small child is a thousand times harder than a full time job

I'm glad to hear that lazy waste of space is now your ex

 

[Typhon]

I agree with G8 and RedT.
Your wife is practically just not motivated enough to get started, you need to change the momentum and alter her current course by doing the grocery shopping, and what the above posters said. Telling her she is beautiful now will only feed her denial and keep the thought of her having to lose weight being thrown deeper into her subcounscisness. But don't be too critical and remember the fact she has alot of work to do, especially with an 8 month old.

Holy crap Phate, with an attitude like that I feel sorry for any woman who lives with you in the future.

This woman has an 8 month old baby, the husband obviously doesn't help much or he'd be more understanding of what she goes through everyday.

When my daughter was that age I'd have days when I didn't eat anything other than sweets because I couldn't find time to take care of myself as well as my daughter. If this guy cares, he'll shut the f*ck up about his wifes weight, book her a hotel room somewhere and let her take a break from being on 24 hour sleep deprived duty for the last 8 months

 

[Wrangell]

I want to get my wife into better shape. Right now she is in horrible shape all around. She is 34 y/o, 5'4" tall, probably 210 lbs (she won't tell me the exact weight), and eats horribly. Since she does our grocery shopping, that causes the kids and I to eat horribly as well.

Groceries and meals seem to be of a concern.

Here's a novel idea.........why not grab the bull by the horns and help her with the grocery shopping - or better yet - why don't YOU do the grocery shopping for the family

And while you're at it, you could also help her with meal preparation...or make the meals for the family yourself.

I don't exactly know what her eating habits are during the day, but I am pretty sure she goes to fast food places or sportsbar type places for her lunch, and she hardly ever eats breakfast.

Simple solution.........ask her.

She does not work out at all and has only worked out a little here and there. For the past 3 years I have heard her say that she wants to get in shape, but the most I have seen her exercise is when we take a walk around the block. We have an 8 mos old baby daughter and my wife seems to be more serious about working out now, but still hasn't lifted a finger

.

She just had a baby.........she's a new mom.......maybe she's.......I dunno........ exhausted ????

What can I do to get her off her fat butt to exercise, and eat semi-healthy?

Nice way to talk about your wife....speaks for itself IMO.

I am concerned with her health, how long she will live and the example she is setting for our kids. I have tried to talk to her about it, and her only responses are "I know" and "When do I have time?".

She may be run off her feet...given she's a new mom you might try and help her to ' find time ' by pitching in more.

I may sound callous, but I am at my breaking point. Over the past 3-4 years, I have tried to be supportive, courteous, jovial, stern, you name it and I have tried. And her weight just seems to go up. She will be a stay at home mom starting next week, so she will have time to eat right and get some exercise in.

Someone please give me a home workout that she can do or some advice on another way I can approach this with her that might work. Nothing seems to be working.

This may be part of the problem.

 

[mellowbird]

I read his post before anyone else replied and I braced myself for the replies he was going to get, posting "horrible shape" and "fat butt" comments in the women's area of the forum. I am touched though by some of the men's replies, so sweet & sensitive to the plight of new mums!

Wouldn't you know - I am a new mum. I had my baby 3 months ago and I put on 48 pounds including the baby. I now have 2 pounds left to go to my 120lbs pre-pregnancy weight. I can tell you from first hand experience that it is really hard but it can be done. I think the wife can do it but she has to really want to. Tell her she can do it mainly by diet, by creating a daily calorie deficit, if finding time (and energy) to work out is hard with a new baby. If she can afford 3 times a week for workouts (at home of course, forget about the gym with a new baby), I would suggest weight training like I did. I bought a set of York dumbbells and do 40 minutes of full body 3 times a week while hubby looks after the baby. Tell her to lift as heavy as she can manage. I don't think lifting light helps.

Lastly I want to tell you to be kind to her, but I think you got that by now.

 

[theGOOCH]

I read his post before anyone else replied and I braced myself for the replies he was going to get, posting "horrible shape" and "fat butt" comments in the women's area of the forum. I am touched though by some of the men's replies, so sweet & sensitive to the plight of new mums!

Wouldn't you know - I am a new mum. I had my baby 3 months ago and I put on 48 pounds including the baby. I now have 2 pounds left to go to my 120lbs pre-pregnancy weight. I can tell you from first hand experience that it is really hard but it can be done. I think the wife can do it but she has to really want to. Tell her she can do it mainly by diet, by creating a daily calorie deficit, if finding time (and energy) to work out is hard with a new baby. If she can afford 3 times a week for workouts (at home of course, forget about the gym with a new baby), I would suggest weight training like I did. I bought a set of York dumbbells and do 40 minutes of full body 3 times a week while hubby looks after the baby. Tell her to lift as heavy as she can manage. I don't think lifting light helps.

Lastly I want to tell you to be kind to her, but I think you got that by now.

Congrats, my wife did it too. In fact, she's lighter than she was even before having any kids

 

[jia-ren]

You cannot force someone to do what you want them to do even if you believe it is in their best interests.

Being a SAHM is exhausting and people who aren't in that situation rarely understand the damands. SAHM's often feel guilty for putting our own needs ahead of the child's because afterall we're staying home to take care of the child, right? This situation can also be very isolating. You might help your wive by helping her to find some exercise groups in you area like 'running mommys' - where she can work out with other mom's in a supportive setting. Find an exercise class for her where she can bring the baby with her.

You can set a good example. You can take care of your child so she can take care of herself. You can grocery shop/ cook dinner. But you can't keep hounding her about her weight or she's going to start resenting your attempts to control her.

Stop thinking that this is your issue to resolve. It's hers.

 

[acenmbr1]

I want to start this off by answering a few responses.

First off, the "fat butt" comment was joking.

Next, as far as MY fitness, I am in fair shape and looking to improve. I have been overweight in the past after my back injury (got up to roughly 35% body fat). I am not down to 210 lbs and 10% body fat like I was in college, but I am continually working on it. I just lose weight faster than her. Being in the military helps. But thanks for the incredulous concern...our doctor is worried about my wife, not me.

I take care of the house and kids just as much, if not more as she does. We both worked and we both share the responsibilities. She had the kids in the morning (because I leave before her) and I have the kids from 4:00 pm until she gets home at 6:00 or 7:00 pm, where we both take time with our kids. She has two kids from a previous marriage that I look at as my own, and I have taken responsibility for since her drugged out, alcoholic asshat EX-husband doesn't talk to them or take care of financially. For the first 6 months after our baby was born, I worked nights and watched the baby during the day and our other two kids when they were done with school until my wife got home at around 7:00, then get an 1.5 hrs sleep and then go to work.

Yes, her size is her problem. But she is not alone. It is also our family's problem because we love her and want to keep her around for a while. When my 10 year old asks me if mommy is going to die soon like Aunt Steffy because she is fat, it becomes our whole family’s problem.

I am so glad to see that so many here automatically jump to conclusions and automatically paints me as a bad person based on a couple paragraphs. I don’t even know why responded to any of the negative comments. I guess I am just amazed at how some of you are so quick to point the finger at people instead of trying to give valid ideas and assistance.


Now...on to those that actually provided some helpful input. I have done the grocery shopping for our family in the past, and I get negative reactions from my wife for the things I buy. Which results in her going to the store to get the things she wants. But, I think going to the store together might help out. It sounds like most of you know how it is to go to the grocery store with 3-4 kids in tow, so that is not a very appealing thought. But it is worth a try. She doesn’t like for me to make dinner because she feels that is one thing that is HER job as a mom.

I am always supportive of her in everything she has done. I have talked to her briefly about her health and lack of exercise, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so maybe I haven’t talked to her enough. When the doctor told her that she needed to lose weight, I didn’t focus on the issue hardly at all because I knew she was embarrassed about it. I pretty much just let it lie with the doctors response.

She is now Stay At Home Mom. I’m not sure if this will help though, because I know how much work and stress it is to stay home with an infant. Our gym has a day-care center, and I am hoping that she will start utilizing it. We have been members at this gym for 3 years (a long time before she was pregnant), and she has only used it sparingly. I even got her some sessions with a personal trainer, but she only used half of the sessions.

RedT – I am starting to think that she just wants it to magically happen. You gave me some good ideas though. Thanks for the idea about complimenting her on actual things.

Happysj56 – I used to make lunches for her and put little love notes inside, but then I found out that she wasn’t eating the lunches (or reading the messages) and was going to fast food places with her co-workers.

I want my wife to be happy and healthy, and she complains about her weight and how tired she is all the time. Her best friend is very heavy (5’8” and I am guessing around 300 lbs.) and she has learned in the past year that she has diabetes. My wife has told me on many occasions how concerned she is that she will turn out like her best friend. I will have to take some of the helpful ideas that most of you have given me and try them out.