alligatorob
Respected Member
Yeah, but you can control how you feel between now and then. And perhaps how long it will be by eating well. You have a long ways to go girl, make the most of it!
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Llama
Well-known member
Having spent a lot of time around geriatric folks: death's not the bad guy. Sickness and decay are the real enemies. Some folks are in the geriatric ward at 55 because their lifestyle choices caused their bodies to be used up by then but I've also seen people over 90 who still travel the world and take care of their younger neighbors. They're never heavy drinkers and I can't remember a single smoker among them.
Fair enough guys. I was just feeling morbid last night.
I had something interesting happen today:
I was playing tennis this morning and two guys wandered over to just outside the court and they were both smoking. The cigarette smoke was so strong, even though I was at the side of the net furthest away from them. I was disgusted. It was really interesting to encounter smoking from a different angle. I saw how annoying it can be to get that stench of smoke in the air.
Anyway, no smoking or drinking today, at home in my parent’s house for the evening, feeling relaxed. We have Monday off, which is great.
I had something interesting happen today:
I was playing tennis this morning and two guys wandered over to just outside the court and they were both smoking. The cigarette smoke was so strong, even though I was at the side of the net furthest away from them. I was disgusted. It was really interesting to encounter smoking from a different angle. I saw how annoying it can be to get that stench of smoke in the air.
Anyway, no smoking or drinking today, at home in my parent’s house for the evening, feeling relaxed. We have Monday off, which is great.
- Thanks Cate, it was great having the extra day. The week is flying by!
- Well, I don't know if I think they taste nice, LaMa. Haha.
I am back in the swimming pool! That is my biggest news. It reopened on Monday, so I booked in for 5.30pm. It was really busy and kind of annoying actually - Mr Blue Cap, who might become a recurring character, took 'slow lane' as a directive and was barely moving, causing huge traffic jams. He was there again this evening but it was a lot quieter and I really enjoyed my swim.
I guess swimming is quite meditative for me, because I'm obsessed with counting what lap I'm on, so every stage is me saying in my head, "1, 2, 3, 24!' or whatever the number of the lap is. So it's got the breathing, it's got the counting, and it's got the physical exertion part all combined. My arms were aching on Tuesday, so I gave it a skip. I'm trying to go every second day until my membership runs out at the start of July, and then I'll see where I am financially. It's quite an expensive place to join, even if you go with the pool only option. But I feel miles better already. Between that and tennis, I should be feeling jubilant really.
And, you know, the pool really works, because I had a kind of shitty meeting today that had gone completely out of my head until I sat down to write my post for today. I literally spun home, got my gear, swam, came home, cooked dinner (yeah, I really did!), watched a youtube theatre thing that had a few people I half know involved in it, and suddenly it's 11pm, the day is almost done, and I really was just in flow and enjoying myself for a lot of it. So that's great! Who knows what another month of swimming and tennis will bring?
I also got this amazing book at the weekend called Neal's Yard Remedies - Healing Foods and it is absolutely the best buy ever. It is like I basically imagined my ideal food book and it came into existence. I absolutely love knowing the benefits of eating different types of food and this has it all beautifully mapped out and labelled. I've already started eating better since I bought it. Not perfect, but I've made dinner two days in a row, which is unheard of for me in the last year. I also had a really nice scrambled egg and toast this morning with added chives, marjoram and turmeric - fantastic! So I'm loving it.
I also weighed in this morning and I am officially not obese anymore! There's a very strong chance I will be obese again tomorrow, but I am taking it as a win!
I think a lot of people have begun the process of separating themselves from their ass-grooved couches and Netflix subscriptions and are starting to get active again. Plenty of people this evening out running, biking, walking home from the gym with red faces... It was fantastic to see. Kind of strange in a way. What an odd world we've been living in this past year and a bit.
Another book I bought on Monday and finished last night was Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam. I've slept with the light on the last two nights - that's all you need you know.
Anyway, I am feeling slightly perky this evening, loving it! We also got our internet today, which is why I am blabbering on as usual. What a relief. It's crazy the reliance we have on it. I was spending a fortune using the internet on my phone. So, that's it, more healing foods planned for tomorrow and tennis in the evening.
- Well, I don't know if I think they taste nice, LaMa. Haha.
I am back in the swimming pool! That is my biggest news. It reopened on Monday, so I booked in for 5.30pm. It was really busy and kind of annoying actually - Mr Blue Cap, who might become a recurring character, took 'slow lane' as a directive and was barely moving, causing huge traffic jams. He was there again this evening but it was a lot quieter and I really enjoyed my swim.
I guess swimming is quite meditative for me, because I'm obsessed with counting what lap I'm on, so every stage is me saying in my head, "1, 2, 3, 24!' or whatever the number of the lap is. So it's got the breathing, it's got the counting, and it's got the physical exertion part all combined. My arms were aching on Tuesday, so I gave it a skip. I'm trying to go every second day until my membership runs out at the start of July, and then I'll see where I am financially. It's quite an expensive place to join, even if you go with the pool only option. But I feel miles better already. Between that and tennis, I should be feeling jubilant really.
And, you know, the pool really works, because I had a kind of shitty meeting today that had gone completely out of my head until I sat down to write my post for today. I literally spun home, got my gear, swam, came home, cooked dinner (yeah, I really did!), watched a youtube theatre thing that had a few people I half know involved in it, and suddenly it's 11pm, the day is almost done, and I really was just in flow and enjoying myself for a lot of it. So that's great! Who knows what another month of swimming and tennis will bring?
I also got this amazing book at the weekend called Neal's Yard Remedies - Healing Foods and it is absolutely the best buy ever. It is like I basically imagined my ideal food book and it came into existence. I absolutely love knowing the benefits of eating different types of food and this has it all beautifully mapped out and labelled. I've already started eating better since I bought it. Not perfect, but I've made dinner two days in a row, which is unheard of for me in the last year. I also had a really nice scrambled egg and toast this morning with added chives, marjoram and turmeric - fantastic! So I'm loving it.
I also weighed in this morning and I am officially not obese anymore! There's a very strong chance I will be obese again tomorrow, but I am taking it as a win!
I think a lot of people have begun the process of separating themselves from their ass-grooved couches and Netflix subscriptions and are starting to get active again. Plenty of people this evening out running, biking, walking home from the gym with red faces... It was fantastic to see. Kind of strange in a way. What an odd world we've been living in this past year and a bit.Another book I bought on Monday and finished last night was Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam. I've slept with the light on the last two nights - that's all you need you know.
Anyway, I am feeling slightly perky this evening, loving it! We also got our internet today, which is why I am blabbering on as usual. What a relief. It's crazy the reliance we have on it. I was spending a fortune using the internet on my phone. So, that's it, more healing foods planned for tomorrow and tennis in the evening.
- Haha, yeah, maybe don't Cate. I think reading it during a pandemic was a bad idea.
- You should give the swimming a try LaMa.
Dear Lord in Heaven, why won't you give me a break?
Got a call from the landlord today where he broke the news that my housemate rang him yesterday to say he's moving out and that he's also giving me a month's notice. He was mumbling something about 'circumstances changing'. I asked him if he was selling the house and he said no, but that himself and his wife were going to be moving in themselves. Considering the goldmine that renting out this house brings in, I don't know if that's true. All I know is that I have to move again. I am so pissed off.
Really tough day. The prospect of my mother getting better grows ever dimmer. She just could not engage with me properly today when I rang to tell her the latest disaster that is my life. Dad thinks she's had a nervous breakdown. It's very sad to see the shell of a human she's become. For someone so vibrant, it's a shame.
I can't let myself sink down into despair but I am really being tested.
The day wasn't all bad - great club night tonight, my dad went too and had a marvellous time. It's something to cling onto while the boat is very much sinking.
- You should give the swimming a try LaMa.
Dear Lord in Heaven, why won't you give me a break?
Got a call from the landlord today where he broke the news that my housemate rang him yesterday to say he's moving out and that he's also giving me a month's notice. He was mumbling something about 'circumstances changing'. I asked him if he was selling the house and he said no, but that himself and his wife were going to be moving in themselves. Considering the goldmine that renting out this house brings in, I don't know if that's true. All I know is that I have to move again. I am so pissed off.
Really tough day. The prospect of my mother getting better grows ever dimmer. She just could not engage with me properly today when I rang to tell her the latest disaster that is my life. Dad thinks she's had a nervous breakdown. It's very sad to see the shell of a human she's become. For someone so vibrant, it's a shame.
I can't let myself sink down into despair but I am really being tested.
The day wasn't all bad - great club night tonight, my dad went too and had a marvellous time. It's something to cling onto while the boat is very much sinking.
Cate
Long term member
Oh, Em
That bloody sucks! What more can I say? Really?!
Have you spoken to your Mum & Dad about getting her some help for her mental health?
That bloody sucks! What more can I say? Really?!Have you spoken to your Mum & Dad about getting her some help for her mental health?
- Yes, it absolutely sucks Cate. My mum is already seeing a psychologist and is wearing a heart monitor this weekend, so we're doing what we can to help her through this. The tablets don't seem to be doing anything. I'd rather she was off them, if I'm honest.
- Oh God, I hope you're right, LaMa. It's been a challenging time for sure.
I met up with my friend tonight for a few drinks in my favourite pub, which was great. It was looking dicey whether we would get a table for a while, but we held tough and got in after maybe a 20 minute wait, so not too bad. Town was carnage. It's only outdoor seating in pubs and restaurants at the moment, it was a warm, sunny day, so there was no room in any inn. But we made it and had a lovely chat. I shared my troubles, the bar staff there are top notch, and it was the tonic I needed.
I am in a stage where everything is super busy and I am going from one thing to the next, which is exhausting and not a mode of living that I particularly enjoy. I like having a reasonable amount of stuff going on at one time. But tomorrow, I'm playing tennis at 10, then I have a massage booked (not exactly 'tough going' but I have to be at a place at a certain time) and then a committee meeting for the drama group, and potentially drinks afterwards. We'll see. I'm close to burnout. But the massage will be amazing after the latest setback.
This kind of sums up where I am right now. Free-falling.
- Oh God, I hope you're right, LaMa. It's been a challenging time for sure.
I met up with my friend tonight for a few drinks in my favourite pub, which was great. It was looking dicey whether we would get a table for a while, but we held tough and got in after maybe a 20 minute wait, so not too bad. Town was carnage. It's only outdoor seating in pubs and restaurants at the moment, it was a warm, sunny day, so there was no room in any inn. But we made it and had a lovely chat. I shared my troubles, the bar staff there are top notch, and it was the tonic I needed.
I am in a stage where everything is super busy and I am going from one thing to the next, which is exhausting and not a mode of living that I particularly enjoy. I like having a reasonable amount of stuff going on at one time. But tomorrow, I'm playing tennis at 10, then I have a massage booked (not exactly 'tough going' but I have to be at a place at a certain time) and then a committee meeting for the drama group, and potentially drinks afterwards. We'll see. I'm close to burnout. But the massage will be amazing after the latest setback.
This kind of sums up where I am right now. Free-falling.
Thanks LaMa.
I haven't been that motivated to post all week. Life continues. My weight is out of control and yet I am not motivated to change my way of living because whenever I attempt to, I feel out of control and horrible. Isn't that crazy? Imagine, eating well and not drinking and smoking all day makes you act like someone who has downed a bottle of whiskey, with the level of rage it incurs. And I'm not exaggerating about that. There is a small child living inside of me that throws a massive tantrum every time I try to change. And it's particularly exhausting because I'm so worried about how people perceive me.
I actually think that my former housemate was probably experiencing some form of this - she was sticking to her keto plan but was so out of control with her new diet that she couldn't help but lash out from time to time. This is just a theory and has no basis on anything we might have discussed. But I literally am trying to constantly satiate a demon inside of me that will not be satiated. And I can't imagine what I can do to give me the space I need to squash it. Even holidays alone end in the same pattern as always.
Anyway, this is where I am today. I also have developed a weird crush on some guy in the tennis club that has come out of nowhere. There's just something about him that I really, really like. He does remind me of another work guy from a few years back who was not particularly attractive, but was really smart and quite funny and sure of himself. Tennis club guy looks a lot like him, and they have a really similar vibe. Anyway, I have realised that I have very disparate types of men that I find attractive. But the common theme is that sense of knowing themselves that I absolutely lack.
I was talking to a friend last week, and he was asking me if I would fancy my new housemate, and I said no, not because there is anything wrong with him, but because he is too like me. I need someone driven and someone that eats a proper dinner every night, and will call me out on my bullshit. That's also the main reason why I don't want SG in my life anymore - I don't want to be the 'sensible' one. I don't want to be the mess either, don't get me wrong. But I just need someone that will hold me accountable and say, 'You've had enough wine, we're going home.'
I haven't been that motivated to post all week. Life continues. My weight is out of control and yet I am not motivated to change my way of living because whenever I attempt to, I feel out of control and horrible. Isn't that crazy? Imagine, eating well and not drinking and smoking all day makes you act like someone who has downed a bottle of whiskey, with the level of rage it incurs. And I'm not exaggerating about that. There is a small child living inside of me that throws a massive tantrum every time I try to change. And it's particularly exhausting because I'm so worried about how people perceive me.
I actually think that my former housemate was probably experiencing some form of this - she was sticking to her keto plan but was so out of control with her new diet that she couldn't help but lash out from time to time. This is just a theory and has no basis on anything we might have discussed. But I literally am trying to constantly satiate a demon inside of me that will not be satiated. And I can't imagine what I can do to give me the space I need to squash it. Even holidays alone end in the same pattern as always.
Anyway, this is where I am today. I also have developed a weird crush on some guy in the tennis club that has come out of nowhere. There's just something about him that I really, really like. He does remind me of another work guy from a few years back who was not particularly attractive, but was really smart and quite funny and sure of himself. Tennis club guy looks a lot like him, and they have a really similar vibe. Anyway, I have realised that I have very disparate types of men that I find attractive. But the common theme is that sense of knowing themselves that I absolutely lack.
I was talking to a friend last week, and he was asking me if I would fancy my new housemate, and I said no, not because there is anything wrong with him, but because he is too like me. I need someone driven and someone that eats a proper dinner every night, and will call me out on my bullshit. That's also the main reason why I don't want SG in my life anymore - I don't want to be the 'sensible' one. I don't want to be the mess either, don't get me wrong. But I just need someone that will hold me accountable and say, 'You've had enough wine, we're going home.'
Cate
Long term member
Soon I hope, Em....soon
Hi Cate and LaMa. I just want you to know that it's so amazing to me that you've stuck around and you read my posts and support me. It really brightens my day to see that. I really hope I can tell you about the progress I've made very soon. It's disappointing to be in stagnation. My plan when I started this journal was to see massive progression in 6 months. It's almost 5 years and my weight is far, far worse than when I started. But, overall, I think my mindset is better, which is weird thing to claim. But I believe it is, and I think I have made so much progress in terms of knowing myself and knowing how I want my life to go - in a way that's not superficial, but has real value - and I thank you both for being a part of that. I would love if we could meet up in real life at some point. It would be so cool.
Anyway. Back to the diary. Things are changing in work, which has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I don't want to leave the job because a) I think I'm good at it; b) the hours are great and allow me to have a fantastic social life; and c) I have a good relationship with my boss in general and I am good friends with a lot of my colleagues. I mean, sounds like the dream, right? BUT - Work Colleague is leaving, which is a huge blow. I am worried because that puts a huge strain on me in terms of knowledge of certain aspects of the job and getting someone trained in and even being able to take holidays...
I'm really upset he didn't tell me before the team announcement that he was going. It's an interesting thing, because it's like whiplash - we had a meeting on Monday where he was so complimentary and was a real advocate for the work I am doing, and made that clear to me and the team - but, when push came to shove, he didn't share with me this massive thing in his life, which affects me so much, and I am sad about that. It's been a whirlwind. We really had/have a connection, and that's something I'm not making up in my head. I know he felt that - he even mentioned 'feelings being involved', without clarifying whose feelings he was talking about. And, you know, in work, you can have a relationship that can get too emotional and starts to have a negative impact on your personal relationships, so maybe that was why he pulled back... I am not sure. And this has happened before, so similar to a guy in my last job. Same pattern again and again.
I am never intentionally seeking out this stuff. But - it happens. I think I am attractive at some level. I'm also incredibly stupid when it comes to minding myself and guarding my heart. I feel like I meet these charming, handsome men who really do take a shine to me sometimes, and they just lap up the attention and the good ideas I have, and then they say so long, I've soaked up enough of your energy, and I am just left sad and alone, and wishing I was a different person.
Anyway. Back to the diary. Things are changing in work, which has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I don't want to leave the job because a) I think I'm good at it; b) the hours are great and allow me to have a fantastic social life; and c) I have a good relationship with my boss in general and I am good friends with a lot of my colleagues. I mean, sounds like the dream, right? BUT - Work Colleague is leaving, which is a huge blow. I am worried because that puts a huge strain on me in terms of knowledge of certain aspects of the job and getting someone trained in and even being able to take holidays...
I'm really upset he didn't tell me before the team announcement that he was going. It's an interesting thing, because it's like whiplash - we had a meeting on Monday where he was so complimentary and was a real advocate for the work I am doing, and made that clear to me and the team - but, when push came to shove, he didn't share with me this massive thing in his life, which affects me so much, and I am sad about that. It's been a whirlwind. We really had/have a connection, and that's something I'm not making up in my head. I know he felt that - he even mentioned 'feelings being involved', without clarifying whose feelings he was talking about. And, you know, in work, you can have a relationship that can get too emotional and starts to have a negative impact on your personal relationships, so maybe that was why he pulled back... I am not sure. And this has happened before, so similar to a guy in my last job. Same pattern again and again.
I am never intentionally seeking out this stuff. But - it happens. I think I am attractive at some level. I'm also incredibly stupid when it comes to minding myself and guarding my heart. I feel like I meet these charming, handsome men who really do take a shine to me sometimes, and they just lap up the attention and the good ideas I have, and then they say so long, I've soaked up enough of your energy, and I am just left sad and alone, and wishing I was a different person.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Emily, just catching up and saw this:
Sorry about your upcoming eviction, any progress figuring out a new place? I hope that goes well for you, I know it can be stressful.
Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.
That is great! Not new news I know, but new to me. That has to be making you feel somewhat better.
Sorry about your upcoming eviction, any progress figuring out a new place? I hope that goes well for you, I know it can be stressful.
Hey Emily, I picture you as a strong smart woman, you might think that's what you want, but I am not so sure. Would you really want a man trying to control you? I don't thing so.
Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.
