Marsia's Diary

Hi LaMa! I have had a rather disconnected relationship with my body, so it is really nice to finally be having a positive one. It's interesting building muscle and seeing that there are certain kinds of good pain that mean I am getting stronger. I find this with emotions, too. Today I meditated and around my heart area felt charged with pain, but not in a bad way. It was like I was letting go of a lot of negativity that I hadn't felt before, I had just stuffed down. Talking even briefly on the phone yesterday to the new therapist really helped. It was so good to have someone understand my emotional states and be accepting. You guys are, but the extra validation really helped.

Today is an organizing, gardening, and megatons of laundry day - I am laundering my smallest clothes. I don't think they fit yet, but I want to start trying them on for motivation - they are my favorite clothes. It felt really good to donate some of my favorite larger clothes so I don't have them around to grow into again! Should be a good productive day!
 
Marsia said:
It was so good to have someone understand my emotional states and be accepting. You guys are, but the extra validation really helped.
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Sounds like you found a good egg :)
Marsia said:
I am laundering my smallest clothes. I don't think they fit yet, but I want to start trying them on for motivation - they are my favorite clothes.
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And THAT sounds both fun and motivating!
 
Hi Marsia
Wow all you ladies are still doing great . I have just read your last few posts . I spend very little time online now . Glad to hear vacation is coming very soon for you and all is well .
 
Thanks LaMa and Petal!! Well, I tried on the small clothes, and I have a ways to go yet before they fit - maybe 20 pounds for the smallest ones. Time to break out the calorie counter again! The first pair of jeans I tried on from the stack fit, and I was sooo happy, but then the rest didn't at all, so I got a taste of what it will be like to fit in my normal clothes, but have to be patient and more strategic at this again!

I just came in from a break from gardening. Didn't get my herbs and artichokes in in time to plant them in the ground before vacation, so after this last little planting of my last succulents and a few shade things, I get the rest of the stuff in big pots.

Been talking a lot with J about my daughter and how to raise her well now that she is almost a teen. I have to get out of the position of being the enforcer while he is the fun one. It's hard negotiating, but I think it's going well, and I am starting to be less under a dark cloud about our relationship.
 
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Hey, that´s one new pair of jeans won! You´re on the right track hon, and the rest of that stack will fit before summer´s over if you keep at it.
 
Thanks so much LaMa! Nice to get encouragement because it was rather shocking how much I need to tone up almost everywhere on my body. But I am going to commit to a healthy lifestyle and like your video showed, just do what needs to be done to keep the weight off. I realize it will be a lifelong thing, but it's very worth it!! Also the meditation has really been helping, and I have also been avoiding my mom and J has been doing a lot more with her, so I am starting to feel more myself again. She will behave for vacation, so it should be a really nice time.

It's supposed to be 67 degrees (19.44 C) today so I'm going to get a lot done outside including dyeing my hair, which I hate doing, so only do when absolutely necessary. There is a hot water hose outside, so I dye my hair outside and take a "shower" with watering cans out there so there isn't any mess to clean up inside. Have to cut J's hair and have him trim my ends, too, hopefully in the next few days.
 
Yes, you are right LaMa. That's a lot of weight if I stop and think about it. But also I had somehow imagined that I still had my muscle tone under the fat, but, no, I am also building muscle up again as I go. But no problem, it's just that I pictured myself in much better shape than I really am!
 
Hi, Marsia. I would think that you are getting really fit as you have been so much more active. I love that you feel so much stronger physically & I can see that you are getting much stronger mentally & are building resilience. Your relationship with J also seems to be getting better. 20 lbs are not so much, but maybe you will reassess that a little bit further down the track. You don't have to be the thinnest you ever were. Being happy with a certain weight is more important. I could never be what my lowest weight was as I am not prepared to make myself sick to do it, nor be totally obsessed about it. Being healthy is my highest priority. I think you are doing really well & should be very proud of yourself. I hope you have a lovely vacation xoxo
 
Oh, I never thought of that - I could still have a little cushion! I actually feel so much better in my body that I really just want to lose more weight to look nicer in clothes, but I also like feeling toned up (and know that is good for overall health as I age), so maybe I will approach it from that angle instead of weight because lately I am not losing weight, but am still getting thinner and more toned. The number on the scale really isn't measuring how much healthier I am getting lately.

Thanks for the nice compliment Cate about getting psychologically stronger. I think so, too! It should be a great vacation. We are even meeting my daughter's best friends there for a couple of days. The family is super nice and fun.
 
Had a very good day getting things done. My daughter and I cleaned out the filters on the lower part of the fish pond which is very tiring, then I blew off the roofs - so many redwood branches and needles had to push them off the roof with my feet because it was too heavy to blow off. Then blew off the walkways and did a mound of dishes and some laundry. Very tired, but J is having a musical improv class here tomorrow, so I need to wake up early and clean the house. It is a mess, so setting the alarm for very early. It's good - then the house will be nice for the house sitter.

Ate a late snack because I was just exhausted and needed food, but ate all good for me things and probably burned off a lot more than I ate. Nice productive day. Oh, also clipped tall shrub/trees and got rid of a lot of poison oak growing between them.
 
Thanks you guys! I just managed to get the house done with my daughter and J's help. I am pooped. I am in a cafe finishing the last of the vacation planning and writing a list of stuff for the house sitter, but my hands are so tired, I am mostly people watching so far. Ate breakfast at 6:30 and had lunch before noon, and that will be it for me today as I went way over fast time yesterday. Today is a take it easy day now that the house is clean and I have all my sorting boxes out of the way. Now that the house is really nice, I feel good about summer and doing lots with my daughter after vacation. So nice I got most of my really hard chores done for the spring. Can't believe there is a chance of thunderstorms today - latest rainy season I can remember here. So nice for the forest!!
 
You are definitely going to need this holiday. Your home must look wonderful. I might just have to start Winter cleaning here to warm up!
 
Thanks LaMa and Cate! The improv class was so full that there was extra money left over so we went to dinner at a Korean tofu house, so I am full of yummy Korean appetizers and seafood tofu stew (which was my favorite when I lived in Seoul for a summer). When we got home I admired how our house looks so nice finally - no boxes of sorting anywhere, and my houseplants are so happy and beautiful it looks very nice and restful. I definitely do need a holiday now!! I spent 6 hours at the cafe today while the class was going at our house and I got all the travel itinerary mapped out and all the maps in a Word document because cell phone reception is spotty on Kauai. It should be fine in Oahu, but I also mapped all the places there, too. Now I don't have to research while there, I can drive and J can navigate and we have way more to do than there is time on each island. Tomorrow I pack!
 
Looks like you've done everything humanly possible to make this trip a success. When do you leave?
 
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