ups and downs and shifting around

SoSel said:

Last night, a while after I wrote my last entry, I went to my neighbor's house for a break. I drank enough cheap wine to get a buzz and feel a little sick. I exchanged some confidences with my neighbor [a lady- her hubby was working last night], and she's so amazingly supportive of me. I've known her about 4 months and she treats me like an old friend. She's totally accepting of me. She can't stand when I talk down about myself. I sometimes don't even know I'm doing it. I've been talked down to so long, I sometimes think I really am that bad. I can see now that this is going to be a very beneficial friendship.

I really love school. I'm a nerd and I love it. :] Ah, a real smile just lit up my face.
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Its so great that you have your neighbor to escape to and confide in. That person to person support can sometimes really be what one needs to bring themselves up. You shouldn't be spoken down too... its not fair that your husband does that to you. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOO much BETTER than that.

There's nothing wrong with nerds... NERD's RULE...I'm have extremely mixed feelings about graduating which makes me happy... but sad about a whole year without school:rolleyes:

Keep thinking about the positive things in your life... going to school and your kids. See it makes you happy when you do:)

:hug2: HUGS:hug2:
 
I feel sorta off-beat this morning, for many reasons, but I'll explain a couplle.

1. I'm not losing weight. I'm just bouncing between 196-200. I'm at 196 this morning. I could weigh 200 tomorrow. At one point this year, I weighed in at 189. I know I haven't been as hard core as I used to be, but it's not like I'm not trying. Must be why I'm not gaining a whole lot of weight back. Ah, well, I do need to try harder.
2. This is the biggest reason. My husband was AWFUL to me yesterday. He was mean, un-supportive [I'm shy, so I need a gentle push every now and then], and constantly raising his voice to me. If I sighed for no reason, he got offended and went off on how I was "acting." We tried playing disc golf and my shots were way bad. All the sudden, he wanted to become sympathetic and asked me what was going on. I told him he scares me and he laughed. He didn't care anymore. The truth hurts. I went over to the neighbors for a few drinks, he dropped in for 20 minutes, left and never came back. Everyone was saying how weird that was. I had enough alcohol in me to calmly state "he doesn't like being around me."
3. I'm nervous about school for a million reasons. Being shy is one of the biggest ones. I know I can do it. I just have to get used to doing it. And it's hard for me.

I really feel like I've put down enough crap for now. Sorry. Just nerves.
 
Good Morning Selena:hug2:

No need to be sorry. Being nervous about school is perfectly normal. I'm graduating and I still feel nervous about things:)

Sorry your hubby was such an ASS. He shouldn't be yelling at you for no reason... or leaving you behind at neighbor's houses. All it really does is make him look bad.

You seem to be in maintain mode rather than weight loss mode. Maybe just trying slightly harder would put you over the edge into weight loss mode. You have been doing really well... getting out for those bike rides must feel great. You will see results soon:)
 
The hubby and I had a good day today. Almost surreal. We slept until 11:30 [the kids were with his parents], then he mowed the grass, put out the bug killer in the yard and around the house, and jumped on my idea of a date day [vs. night- we had to get the kids eventually!]. We had a nice lunch, a little shopping [even at Bath and Body Works & he helped me pick stuff out], a movie [he held my hand], and dinner at this nice place we love. He even sat by me during our meals, cracked jokes, and made nice conversation. He's off to get the kids and I stayed behind b/c I feel so... something. WHO IS THIS MAN!? He is the guy I married. :blown away:

No exercise today. I still have time though. :]

I'm just so blown away! :]
 
Boam46 said:
You seem to be in maintain mode rather than weight loss mode. Maybe just trying slightly harder would put you over the edge into weight loss mode. You have been doing really well... getting out for those bike rides must feel great. You will see results soon:)
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Thanks hun! I know I could work harder. The bike does help. I need to get myself in line. I know that when school starts, I'll have the time. My kids will be off to school and daycare by 8. My earliest days are 9:30 and my other days start at 11. It'll take, at most, 30 minutes to get to school. I'll have time to hop into Curves for a 30 min work out on my early days and bike ride when I have later days. Friday is mine- all mine!- until about 3:30. Plenty of time to study and exercise and do what I want. :] Or so I think, since I get A LOT done with 2 kids running around all day. ;]
 
:jump: I'm sooooooooooooo happy you had a great day with your hubby!

It is soo well deserved by you:hug2:

When school comes around you'll have more "ME" time and it will help you get everything in order you need to.
 
Ex.- over 7 mile bike ride [not sure of exact distance- I just pushed myself farther!]

Pretty tired. Fight with hubby last night. But he's cleaning my car [inside and out] so I guess it's ok here. If not, at least things are getting done.
 
Girl Im here for ya - sorry Ive been a bit selfish lately and keepin to myself - im goign through tons...anyway I cant stand your hubby - ya know classic controller - he beats ya down and down and down adn throws ya abone once in awhile to make you feel better abt everyhtign and question it - Ive lived that girl...I hate seeing you go through that!!! I dunno what to say - I dont have much positive to offer you - as long as you knwo im here for y and to support ya however I can...

Excellent job on the bike riding!!!
 
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cinderelly said:
Girl Im here for ya - sorry Ive been a bit selfish lately and keepin to myself - im goign through tons...anyway I cant stand your hubby - ya know classic controller - he beats ya down and down and down adn throws ya abone once in awhile to make you feel better abt everyhtign and question it - Ive lived that girl...I hate seeing you go through that!!! I dunno what to say - I dont have much positive to offer you - as long as you knwo im here for y and to support ya however I can...
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You're nowhere near selfish, my dear. :]
Yes, controlling and something else I can't name. He wants to look like that All-American family, but he's losing his touch. The other day, he came home from work and I was on my neighbor's porch talking to her. My kids were with me. He saw us, came by, and played with the kids- and didn't acknowledge me! My neighbor was furious and it led me to confide a little in her. So I see I'm screwed. Ah- but why keep me?
 
SoSel said:
Ah- but why keep me?
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To make himself look good - he isnt the problem you are and by staying with you enforces that ... I dunno - I couldnt even begin to explain or figure out my x was how he was all the time and why he is as he is now even ya knwo - he left us ended the relationhip and he is the one that always came back...

I dunno man you are in my thoughts often - I wish we lived closer and coudl hang out!!! Hold your head as hugh as you can - you are one amazing wmn!!!
 
196.8 this morning. I like it. It seems like a good sign. :]

In other news, I'm scared to death. I literally feel all panicky about something, and I have to explain it. I'm up for any and all creative ideas.

To go to school, I have to put my youngest in day care. It's $89 a week. And, lemme tell ya, we're living in the red over here. We have credit card debt that embaresses me. [Like, my hubby went out and charged a really expensive pressure washer, assuring me that it would pay itself off. Well, that damn thing is lazy and all it does is lay around the house... and gather interest.][And no, I'm not blameless; just not an extreme collector like my hubby.] I have explained to my lovely hubby all of this, in great detail. Day care has to be paid, the end justifies the means, all of that. [Let's put it this way, it'll cost about $8000 for day care alone in 2 years. Hmm... Surely my salary -after college- can match that! I worked for a month and made $600 bucks at $6.50/hr.] So last night, he acts like we NEVER talked this out and he mantains we CAN NOT afford day care AT ALL. Then he gets mad and yells at me "YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT NO MATTER WHAT AND KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY." So I told him he wasn't happy and that mattered to me. Well, he just dropped in and won't talk about it. Fine... I guess that means I can go! :] But the money! :[

I can't really work. To put my oldest in after-school day care would mean an extra $60/wk. Add that to the fact that Mon-Thurs I can only work a few hours after classes- day care closes at 6:30, and a full day Friday, unless I have projects at school, and... Yeah, I better make $20/hr- I wish! Plus, I get heavily taxed b/c I'm a dependant. So... Grr...

Like I said, any ideas are welcome. Does anyone know if you can get student loans and pay day care [so I can defer until I get a real job]? College is just everything to me. I can't explain how much it means to me.
 
I'm not sure if you can get student loans to cover daycare. I do know that my school has an on campus daycare where students and faculty get reduced prices... maybe your school has something like that? I also think... but I am not sure that the federal or state government offers some sort of daycare vouchers for approved daycare if you can not afford it... I really don't know all the deatils though.... I guess I'm not being much help ... sorry :(

As for college being everything... that's not a bad thing. Becoming a paralegal will pay off for you. They make a great great living... many many college students live completely in debt for many years for a pay off later on. Which a career will bring. I'm sure its much harder with a husband and children.

I'm sorry if I wasn't much help or comfort at all. :hug2: hugs:hug2:
 
Well, you read my post and that means a lot. :] My school no longer has a day care. It's been shut down for some reason. I might get government help. It's more paperwork and it'll only last for a few months. My hubby's salary increases when he leaves. I'm still going to see if I can get assistance, though.
I'm also going to talk to some friends/acquantainces [sp] about cleaning their houses on Fridays when I don't have school. I don't know what rates I should charge though.
My mom thinks I should just charge right into this and take care of my needs. She thinks day care will help me keep my sanity and school will give me direction. Thanks mom!
I guess it's ok to worry some. I mean, it shows I'm responsible. I might try waitressing. We'll see...
 
happy

I'm moodier than a 16 yr old girl. Yes, I freely admit it.

Ok, so the fafsa thing was confusing and I had to call them today. Turns out that the guy I talked to hinted strongly that I'd get the Pell Grant. Woo freakin' hoo!!! I need that grant BADLY. Of course, being all business and official, he couldn't say. I respect that. And the final word always takes a while.

Then I remembered a job I was offered a while back cleaning a friend's house once a week. If he still wants me to, I'll go do it. We used to date and I told him I couldn't do it at the time [it felt degrading and I felt stupid now that he's loaded], but I'll do it now. One step at a time.

Then my father-in-law mentioned helping with day care. I love him. He does help us out financially, but it's the fact that he HELPS that makes me care so much about him. He's always there with a kind word or an amusing story to help the day go along. Sometimes just being around him calms me. [My dad is always picking on me or doing this thing he calls "constructive critism" If he calls me fat one more time....] I dunno. It just helps knowing that he has faith in me... otherwise, he wouldn't help.

Answered prayers.
 
That's soo great that your Father -in -Law is going to help you:) It does show that he believes in you and wants you to succeed.

Government agencies... especially when it comes to student loans just plain SUCK! Never can get straight answers from them.
 
195.2 this morning. Oh yeah, I'm happy, but what happened? I want to do it again!

So we called fafsa again and made some corrections and it's looking like I'll be getting the full grant. I wonder how many people don't get fin aid through fafsa b/c they filled out the form wrong or just don't know what to do with it? I'm beginning to wonder if that's the point...

I was at this party last night and these guys had been drinking and starting talking about the "fat chicks" at the bar. They went on and on and it really hurt. Sure, they weren't talking about me. And I suppose that maybe they don't think I'm fat b/c I was STANDING RIGHT THERE! But it hurt. And I wanted to cry and run all the way home. And no one understood how much it hurt me. I was so sick I wanted to throw up. So my body retaliated by dropping another pound... lol!
 
Oh yeah, I forgot about my personal August challenge. [Somebody hold me accountable.] My challenge is fruits and veggies, since I rarely eat them like I should.
Aug 1-15= eat 1 fresh fruit, 1 veggie a day
August 16-31= eat 2 fruits and 2 veggies a day
I just thought of this last night. I don't have a reward in mind yet. I'm also doing the 2 lb a week challenge. I don't normally do challenges, but here [pardon the lame pun] losing is everything. ::groans::
 
Doesn't it feel great when the scale starts to go down:)

Guys at bars can really be insensitive assholes:mad: Don't let them get to you... it was really rude and insensitive.

Its great your getting all the schools things sorted out. Once you get the schedule, id, and books it all starts to feel so real... you're going to do soo well there.

If you'd like I'll be an accountability buddy... just let me know:)
 
Boam46 said:
If you'd like I'll be an accountability buddy... just let me know:)
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If you can handle the drama queen that I am, then I REALLY need an accountability partner. hehe. That's why my screen name on here is "SoSel." I'm So Selena, if you catch my drift. ;]
 
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