The Diary of a Sinner

S

~Samantha~

New member
Well here goes:

I am fat. I have not just come to this conclussion, but have only just accepted it. I need to be accountable for the food that I put in my body. So here is my story.

I have introduced myself already ( I'm Samantha) but I need to get this out. Being honest with myself and all of you is a very big step for me. I don't leave my house often, because I get tired of staring at my feet. Hanging my head has become a habit. That way I don't have to see the people staring at me. Dang, how'd her ass get so big is what I always imagine people saying about me. 215 lbs! That's a big ass I must say.

My daughter Hailey is eight years old. Today she said to me "mommy, why don't we go to the pool like Taylor does with her mommy?" What was I supposed to say to that? For once I did not lie to her. I told her because mommy did not feel comfortable going to the pool. Maybe after I loose some weight, we can go. Then I say to myself, how selfish is that? i'm depriving my daughter of a fun, eventful summer because I'm ashamed of myself. I can't do this anymore. I have to shed this extra body.

I have to say I am proud of myself today. I have not had any soda at all (and this is a day by day process) I gave up soda last week. BIG BIG step. It's hard though, because the fridge is full of Pepsi. I want one. I won't lie, I really do. I can't though. I ate 3 nilla wafers today. I have a major sweet tooth. So that was great for me. Giving up sweets and soda is going to kill me. I also ate 2 hamburger patties with no bread. No nothing really, just plain hamburger patties on a plate. A bowl of oatmeal. I didn't mind it as much as I thought I would. That's all I ate today. Oh my god. I just realized that my portions today were smaller than they've ever been. The norm would be 3 times that amount of food in one day. Maybe I am getting somewhere afterall.:D
 
~Samantha~ said:
Giving up sweets and soda is going to kill me.
Click to expand...

No, continued use of these is going to kill you.

Welcome to your diary. You sound disgusted enough to pull this off and that's a good thing. It usually takes something like this to launch the diet rocket into orbit.

Remember this day everyday on your journey to reduction. The forum love and support here is incredible.

Wishing you strength on your way to fighting the good fight.
 
Last edited:
Rough conversation with your daughter... but you know what... your daughter doesnt care what you look like, in 10 years she's not gonna remember that mommy had put on a few pounds, but worked her behind off to get them off, she's going to remember that mommy spent time with her and they had fun together.

Please PLEASE PLEASE don't let how you feel about your body right now stand int he way of having fun with your daughter, she's coming to an age right now where body image matters, don't let her see that being overweight makes a person less than beautiful... Let her see that you want to be healthy...

Soda is just bad for you altogether, so you should really avoid it, but other sweets, if you can master portion control (and a trick i'm finding that is helping is to get those ziplock snack size bags, and put the treats you like in them... you can then have 1 treat bag which is one portion... and you aren't tempted by the entire box...


if all you had today was 2 burgers and some oatmeal, beautiful lady, you aren't eating enough... and you need some vegetables.. and fruits... fruits might just h elp satisfy your sweet tooth...

I don't leave my house often, because I get tired of staring at my feet. Hanging my head has become a habit. That way I don't have to see the people staring at me. Dang, how'd her ass get so big is what I always imagine people saying about me. 215 lbs! That's a big ass I must say
Click to expand...
Now, I'm gonna get all maternal here - and tell you to stop hanging your head and STAND UP STRAIGHT!!! you look thinner when you stand up straight... and really look around, do you honestly think that people are staring at you? Honestly the ones that might be, aren't worth your time, because if you were super skinny they'd also be staring wondering why you were so anorexic... and probably making fun of your clothes or somethign else... everyone else is generally so busy with their own life that what you look like, doesn't matter... to them...

So Stop hiding in the house.. go dust off your swimsuit, put on your sassiest pair of flip flops and take your daughter to the pool and have some fun...
 
Thanks for the vote of confidence! Having this diary is a great tool to being honest with myself and everyone here. That seems to help me a lot.

For breakfast I ate a waffle. Only one. That was good I suppose. For lunch I had 3 hard boiled eggs. I'm planning on having a grilled chicken salad for dinner. I have drank so much water I feel bloated. My belly feels full. I am going to do some more laundry right now. I also have dishes to wash,and trash to take out. A big dog to walk, and a 15 month old to chase. Why the hell am I fat?
 
I'm gonna bug you again... it really doesn't seem like you are getting enough calories... you really should add at least a piece of fruit or two to your diet... starving yourself doesn't help you in the long term... it really only leads to binging on the stuff you're deprviving yourself of later...

And let's have a positive attitude... Don't beat yourself up and yell at yourself for where you are... You are where you are right now and you are working on changing that... What's int he past - is in the past.

Sounds like you've got the start of a great exercise program walking the big dog, and running after the munchkin.
 
One day at a time ~Sam~

You no longer have to worry about 'why you are fat'. It's now 'why I no longer am going to be fat'.

You can do this.
 
Hey there. Im slowly getting around to everyone. Those calories seem kinda light. now if your just trying to lose 5 vanity pounds I can see going with that few calories. Just dont want ya making yourself sick or binging.
[QUOTI'm gonna bug you again... it really doesn't seem like you are getting enough calories... you really should add at least a piece of fruit or two to your diet... starving yourself doesn't help you in the long term... it really only leads to binging on the stuff you're deprviving yourself of later...
E][/QUOTE] <---- what she said
 
Hey Sam,

Don't beat yourself up so badly. You need to love yourself and have a positive self-dialogue(sp??) and that is a big part of being able to lose the weight sucessfully.

You are a beautiful person inside and out no matter how much you weight. People, like your daughter, love you because you are you. Now you need to love you for you and then take that strength and use it to help you lose your weight.


My advice for you is to make a plan and follow through. Decide if you're going to count calories or not, what kind of exercise you are going to do and when and for how long. stuff like that and then just be honest.

We're all here to support you along the way. I hope you're having a good day. :)
 
Being completely honest...I feel like a pig anytime I put anything in my mouth. It's hard for me to eat any food, without feeling guilty. I sincerely appreciate ALL your nice words and advice. Does anyone here have real names?

Trucker- Do you drive for a living ( I know, stupid question)
My husband drives for a living. He loves it, I hate it.
 
Wow Kallie- what a sweetie you are! People like you, are beautiful no matter what!! Thank you so much for your support....It means a lot. Especially since I have no real friends here, and everyone that I do know is skinny. I just don't think they get it.
 
i've been maleficent on line for so long - i also answer to Mal :D

~Samantha~ said:
Being completely honest...I feel like a pig anytime I put anything in my mouth. It's hard for me to eat any food, without feeling guilty.
Click to expand...
Dont feel guilty... you are worth taking care of yourself and nourising yourself so you can take care of your family... You're daughter also watches you... and will learn from you.. you want to set a good example so that she develops a good relationship with food.. not to see it as the enemy...

~Samantha~ said:
My husband drives for a living. He loves it, I hate it.
.
Click to expand...
That's gotta be tough- you're probably alone with the kids most of the time... and no doubt - food is a comfort? (SOmetimes I think I'm Dr Phil -- don't mind me... Do you have stuff that you can do -- just for you... to make yourself feel good about yourself...
 
Last edited:
I LOVE Dr. Phil!!

Yes, I am alone most of the time. Makes for a lonely life. Wait- I do have my kids, and I cherish them...but it's time I do something for me. By doing so, I've realized I will be doing something for my kids as well. Be happier, Healthier, and no doubt live longer.

Nice to meet you (Mal)
Could I add you to my yahoo?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
maleficent said:
(SOmetimes I think I'm Dr Phil --
Click to expand...

Me too. I've actually read his weightloss book. It helps alot so that's why I say a lot of stuff he does LOL *I'm in love with Dr.Phil, whatta dream boat* LOL sorry for the hijack!

I'll be gone for the weekend, but I'll be back to cheer you on sunday night! Here's hoping you have a excellent weekend! *hugs*
 
You girls keep thinking your Dr. Phil. I don't mind. My kid calls me E.F. Hutton, and I have no idea who the hell that is, or why she calls me that.

Mal- I added you to my aim
 
~Samantha~ said:
You girls keep thinking your Dr. Phil. I don't mind. My kid calls me E.F. Hutton, and I have no idea who the hell that is, or why she calls me that.
Click to expand...

Oh that's too funny...

I think your daughter is lying about her age.. she's really middle aged :) Years ago, there used to be a brokerage house called EF Hutton, before the days of Day Trading and online trading... their commercial tag line was When EF Hutton speaks- People Listen.... :D

EF Hutton also had some interesting scandals...so are you money laundering? :D
 
Last edited:
~Samantha~ said:
Trucker- Do you drive for a living ( I know, stupid question)
My husband drives for a living. He loves it, I hate it.
Click to expand...


I did until August of 2004. At that time I finally lost my ability to drive due to diabetes and related complications. This led to my disability which I am currently correcting both lifestyle and health with the intent to rejoin the working world.

As far as driving a bigrig, I loved the road and travel. The punishment it inflicted on me and family, well that's another story. I have no interest to return to trucking when I re-enter the working world but I don't like to burn bridges behind me either. The right local job could be a possibility but it would have to be something pretty special. I still have my doubts tho...

If you find time, read the very first paragraph of my diary to get a perspective of what makes me tick.
 
maleficent said:
Oh that's too funny...

I think your daughter is lying about her age.. she's really middle aged :) Years ago, there used to be a brokerage house called EF Hutton, before the days of Day Trading and online trading... their commercial tag line was When EF Hutton speaks- People Listen.... :D

EF Hutton also had some interesting scandals...so are you money laundering? :D
Click to expand...

LOL How in the heck did my eight-year-old know about EF Hutton?
No, no money laundering. I'd eat my profit:D Mal, you seem so intelligent!


Trucker- I find you fascinating. I'm going to read your diary now. I enjoy talking with you!
 
Wow you have gotten some great advise here . And every one of them is 100 % right . And i totally know how you feel about going out in a swimsuit . I never wanted to go the swimming pools either . But it sounds like to me you are really ready for this life change and that is what you will have to make it . there are no quick fixes for losing weight it will all have to be done with hard work and determination , and lots of it . Glad you joined us and look forwrd to getting to know you >
 
Thanks Tammy, can't wait to get to know all of you as well!

I must say I am pissed off. God, I must be nuts, because i'm mad at my brother. He stopped by, picked up my daughter and brought her and himself BIG FAT Steak and cheese subs!!!! Oh My God...I just wanted to die! I would have bitten his arm off to get to that sub ordinarily. I was so mad, he knew I was trying to diet. Why bring that in front of me? I did good. I kept nibbling on the lettuce leaf in my salad bowl. I didn't even let him know I was upset with him. I can't be upset with someone eating good food in front of me. I just can't. I know I have to over come this. Everyday life is filled with people eating things I'm going to want.

*confession* I had a six pack of Hershey bars in my fridge. I opened one. I looked at it. I almost took a bite...almost. I started crying because I was so disappointed in myself, and not having control. I threw it in the trash, along with the others. The whole pack is gone....no more candy in this house.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top