The Crocus Diary

CrocusBlooming

CrocusBlooming

New member
Thanks to Lena who brought it to my attention that my diary should be only one thread! oops! (I was wondering how people's diaries got so long!)

Okay, so I'm on Day 18. The doctor gave me antibiotics and I'm almost feeling human again. I had a few real meals while I was ill which consisted of fish and rice, no cheese or butter/margarine... and although I was stuffed after eating them, I felt I did okay considering I wasn't eating anything for days due to the cold.

I found a website, which I followed from a link here, which counts E*V*E*R*Y*T*H*I*N*G! I love it!! I especially love the food entries because the database has sooo many entries I'm bound to find what I ate or the nearest equivelant with all the particulars already figured out - and then it has activities and the estimated calaries burned for a duration! I'm in heaven! All the things I used to do manually! (can you believe I used to do that manually?)

I signed up on the 15th day and entered all the initial data and snooped around a bit, but now that I'm feeling better I know I'll use it religiously. I like watching the statistics, and when I'm completely honest, I should be able to see where I'm going wrong (if I ever go wrong!). I'm really happy - which reminds me to enter what I'm drinking right now!

I think I'm still too ill to start my planned exercise program, but I may go out for a walk at least. It's great that I've stayed motivated through the cold. I look at is as a positive thing that I lost my appetite over the past week and a half and got past a very painful part of starting the diet process.


I'm still not sure if I want to measure myself, but I think I might.

I used to be of the thought that the scale was an evil thing. Losing weight shouldn't be about the numbers, it should be about how you look and feel. Of course, I was much thinner when I was talking like that and a 3pound loss was something I could see in the mirror. Little did I know I could loose 8 pounds and not be able to see or feel it. I would have never known I lost that weight without the scale. So maybe it is a good idea to also measure so that when I lose I can stay motivated even at those times where my clothes don't feel any different or there's no difference in the mirror.

I'll dig out the measureing tape. oh wait, I have one in sight, so no digging necessary. yippie.. :eek: er... I'm not too excited about seeing these numbers, but I'll be happy when I can report inches and inches of loss!

Off for now - and bring on Day 18!
 
I know what you feel - when I was around 70 kgs every small change was visible. Now... well, I lost 6 kgs before Cristmas (and gained it all back with Christmas, New Year celebrations and couple of birthdays :mad: ) and got from 89.5 to 83, but didn´t almost feel it at all! No compliments and what´s worst, I didn´t see much change in a mirror, either. That was sooo frustrating and maybe one of the reasons I started eating like a maniac at Chistmas.

But I´m back now and try not to expect too much before I´ve lost at least ten kgs.

But you´re doing great! :D I´m also trying to find a webpage that would save me from calculating everything all the time :rolleyes:

Keep up with the good work! :D
 
Day 22

Today is day 22 and weigh day. I didn't lose, I gained 1.9 kg - 4lbs. (121.9)

I'm especially disapointed because I was so extremely happy to be at 120.0, I was floating after that weigh-in. Strange feeling when you know this is something you are in complete control of and something you want and you blow it anyway. hmm...

As I started to feel bette arfter being really ill for just over 2 weeks, I became ravaged with hunger and appetite - two things I was glad to be void of as they were helping with my goal of to simply lose something anything, and just not to gain.

So. Well. I was deeply in denial as I scarfed down "a few things here and there" to soothe my post-cold feelings of emptiness. Now, of course, I'm sorry. I know what I was eating that was the culprit and it didn't feel like a significant thing at the time, it just goes to show how potent "a little bit of this" can be.

And, it so wasn't worth it. It wasn't like it was heavenly to savor.. it was just a comfort food. To top it off, when I look at the top of this entry that it's only day 22 and I couldn't even be good for 22 days I'm angry with myself. I know punishing myself is no good, and every minute is the best time to start a diet or start again, so I have.

I think I'm finally well enough to start my proper work-out program. I'll start slow and see how much I can take. I know this will help with all the physiological things that hinder a weightloss program, so I'm looking forward to feeling the effects of those.

Does anyone know, when is the best time of day to measure yourself? My inclination is to do it in the morning. Or is it just best to do it at the same time of day each time I measure - like weighing?

Another day, another chance to make good choices.
 
CrocusBlooming said:
Thanks to Lena who brought it to my attention that my diary should be only one thread! oops! (I was wondering how people's diaries got so long!)

yei found you again lol :D i felt like we were in some kind of a street and you just keep running away in the middle of the senstence haha
so now sit and relax :)


as for that punishing yourself...you already did punish yourself by eating. i'm training myself to stop looking at food as a reward lol so... yeah

go and start working out. i'm telling you, the first time i did it i felt like landing on the moon, even heard rocky theme song in my head... my serotonine level (or happyiness hormone) went up the sky :) and still does after every workout.


as for measuring...probabily best at the same time, but at what time, its your choice. i heard that the person is lightest after going to the toilet in the morning lol :)

anyway, happy to see you and don't run away again!

:D Lena
Click to expand...
 
Day 23

I measured myself today. That sucked. My biceps are as big as my neck - and seeing as I'm not a weightlifter, I know that's not a good thing.

I did so good today. Acording to my very honest log, I have burned more calories than I took in. 90 minutes of ironing helped! It's my least favorite thing to do, but when I looked at it as an activity which helps me burn calories, I didn't mind it so much! ha! ha!

I'm so out of shape - I'll have to modify my exercise program and work up to something respectable. I used to be SUCH a jock-ette... along with body awareness, seeing my fitness level so low also produced tears.

You were right though. I got an emotional boost out of what little I managed to do. Gotta love those endorphines!

Oh.. and can I just say I had no idea that cashews had soooo many calories! There was another surprise.. oh, Jack-in-the-box milshakes. There is no Jack inthe Box here in Germany, and thank Buddah because I love their milkshakes and usually drink a years worth during my 2 weeks visit stateside.. One milkshake is over half my daily allowance!!! I'm seriously shocked! I'm glad I know it now.

Regardless I feel like I ate really good today, I mean, the food was tasty and enough.

I'm a little worried about how to fit in some decent exercise tomorrow, but where there's a will, there's a way.
 
hey i had to stop and take a breath every 5 minutes on my first workout, even on the second, now i had my fifth and i managed to do most of it, stopped only twice on strength workout...tooo many squats of every kind lol so don't feel sad its normal for your body to be like that. even the skinniest person would have problems in following workout if they're out of shape.
just remember in time you'll be able to see it was all worth it :)
Lena
 
Day 29

This morning was my weigh-in. To make a long story short - I gained 0.4kg, so about 1 pound. I haven't visited the bathroom this morning so it's possible I'm even with last week.

I'm not happy about it, for obvious reasons but also because I kept track of every morsel I put into my mouth and found that I'm doing unbeliveably fantastic with my 1200 cal/per day. I also started on my exercise.

I might weigh myself after the coffee has it's effect and see if I can atleast report staying the same.

This week doesn't hold a lot of potential because it is my Birthday week. I'll be 40 tomorrow. So it's a big birthday which will include cake and cocktails for sure. I plan on being restrained and I can't deny that I'm entirely demotivated. Okay, not entirely, but just not as motivated as I once was.

Or maybe what I'm feeling is that this week it will be especially important for me to show restrain and I'm feeling not so happy about that. Yes, I think that's what it is... I know I can't go crazy this week and a little restraint isn't enough.

Forget the scale, I'm simply going to exercise more this week, that's my goal.
 
hi crocus. sorry you feel bad. don't feel demotivated, its just one stone on the road, its up to you to kick it away with full strength lol i'm kicking mine with legs and hands and even with my head if i have to :)
as for birthday. noone said you can't enjoy your birthday and have a piece of cake. just eat light before getting peace of cake or something. just try not to overeat and try to stay in your calorie range. and then sweat it off harder this week. remember to drink a lot of water. if you really want to stay away from the cake make fruit mousse or fruit salad or something. if its barbicue put some chicken breasts on :) just remember to have fun also hehe

higs to you Lena
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CROCUS
:D
I wish everything that you would wish yourself, love, happiness, health, money, weight loss and piece of mind :p hope you're having a fantastic and fabulous day.
Lena
 
Enjoy your birthday week - and don't lose heart, we all have weeks where our bodies kind of stable themselves.

Just keep doing what you're doing, maybe up your calories, or stagger them and you should see those scales moving!
 
Day 32

So far, this week hasn't been bad at all! It's my birthday week just in case... I've had a small piece of cake while the others took two normal sized pieces. I've cut way back on my coffee intake for some unknown reason. Unfortunately, one of my customers gave me 19 pieces of super fancy (expensive) chocolate so I'm obliged to eat one piece a day - and they are rather small and I'm 575% sure that a single twix does more damage than one of these little things. I had a restrained (again) italian dinner which I prepared myself so I was able to control the ingredients.

I am seriously shocked at how restrained I've been. These are smaller portions that what other people are generally eating and certainly smaller than what I would normally serve myself. I haven't felt deprived. I've eaten everything slower so as to enjoy the portion I have. Maybe I should say I'm impressed by my restraint. I've been so good!

Let me say just how good I've been. I have a pair of pants...blah blah blah...they are significantly, not slightly, significantly loose around my waist!!!

I started my cycle today and I know my body likes to gain water weight - having forgotten that on Monday, I'm hoping this was what contributed to the gain moreso than simply being bad and gaining. Eaons ago, when I was 25, I used WeightWatchers, and over the long term the scale showed I would gain exactly 11 pounds of water every month! I remember getting a lot of sympathy for that!

I'm having a party on Saturday to celebrate my birthday. There will be all my favorite things to drink and a cake and fingerfoods which others are bringing. I can only hope I'll be as restrained on Saturday as I have been so far this week, and I'm not getting my hopes up about that!
 
Day 35

The birthday week is officially over and I was rather good, I thought. I made my party guests take home the leftover cake and food so the temptation was gone.

Not surprisingly my weight is up again this week. I've had setbacks which I have dealt with each gain individually. However, as I reflect on my entries I see only excuses. Starting my period is no reason for a gain, eating 1800 cal instead of 1200 one day out of seven is no excuse. Dashing off to the train station is not exercise and while ironing burns calories, it's not aerobic and I'm only kidding myself to count those two activities as part of my activity record.

My committment is questionable and my weight is a reflection of that.

I'm still lower than what I started with 35 days ago nevertheless I am annoyed.

Generally, I think it's stupid to go on a diet or start a weightloss program only to have it fail. Either you do it right or you do it wrong and since dieting is difficult, there's no sense in putting forth the effort and then do it wrong.

There are a lot of things I'm doing right so I don't want to be too hard on myself. My portions have been fantastic and with the exception of the birthday week and one day prior to that, I stayed dead on or under 1200 calories a day.

Regardless, I need to revisit why I am doing this in the first place and what the success will mean.
 
CrocusBlooming said:
The My committment is questionable and my weight is a reflection of that.
Click to expand...

Well I think you have done well to lose weight overall when you have had such a big birthday. There's no prize for being first to lose your weight you know, and by making allowances for things like big birthdays will let you keep going longer in the end.

You have put effort in, and you have a result. Look forward now, what are you going to do next?
 
don't feel guilty for having a great time with your birthday week. just think of this way..i'll make it up next week, i'll walk 15 minutes more, or do 10 squats after each shirt i irone... hehe there are ways to help yourself being motivated, and one of them is writing more. write about things that upset you and what makes you happy, analyse a bit how you felt two weeks ago and now...where is the difference? is it just eating? is it just lack of exercise? because of it is that's easily fixed...by doing it.

as for the weight, of course you gain when you get your period. the most important thing is not giving up :)
and write down what the success will mean to you. i believe this will help you. that first post i made in my diary helps me all the time whenever i feel down, i reread that list of why i want to lose weight and why a part of me wants to sabotage me.

put a smile on crocus and head for the new you :) Lena
 
Day 78

I'm back under 220. Just barely, 119.8.

I haven't been bad, but I haven't been here, so you (and I) can't measure how good I've been.

Exercise has proven to be a bigger health obstacle than anticipated. I really need to see another doc to get my heart monitored and see if there's anything she can do to adjust my meds so that I can do something mild and not be afraid of a heart attack.

I've been doing little things to make better choices. I take healthy snacks with me, which has invariably saved me from bying something on the go that isn't in line with my goals.

I decided that I did actually feel deprived so I bought some low-calorie chocolate pudding. It's made a huge difference. I'm happily substituting it for anything else that is chocolatey, so that was a small stroke of genius.

My appetite came back which was good, and I can still have a say over it, which is also good, but there was a week where I noticed I sabotaged my goals everyday. It was "just a little" - but it was everyday, and that's how it starts, and that's where it holds me back.

I'm still not happy with my ability to portion control. I started out fabulous but I have sank back into the idea that - it's just vegetables, it won't hurt.

Not being able to exercise has been a ...

It's snowing!!! :D

Not being able to exercise has been an emotional block for me. I'm not sure how to conquer this block. I often feel like: if I can't do my exercise of choice (jogging) then I won't do anything at all. Being limited to isosemetric exercises makes me feel like I'm wasting me time, there's some calorie burning going on of course, but real fat burning comes from cardio. I really need to find a way to change my head where this is concerned.

Not making progress, but not going backward, which was also part of the plan. Part of the new plan is to stay in touch here because it does appear to help my outlook.
 
Well its good to have you back :D i'm sorry youre feeling unhappy. i wish i can post some of my positivity with you :D
stay on here, maybe it will motivate you more...or at least help you with controlling your portions. you can do it.

Lena
 
Day 82

Thanks Lena! Nice to see you're still here making progress! Yay! you!

I have a semi-rhetorical question: Why do I become ill when I go on a "diet"?

I honestly feel it's psychosematic (sp?). This is the third time I've taken time to renew my committment - not that it slipped all that much thankfully - but to prevent any slipping, and this is the third time I've become ill. So ill that I need antibiotics!

I don't want my weightloss to be a result of a series of illnesses brough about by my phyche feeling poorly.

I had read somewhere that fat cells store toxins and when one looses weight the toxins get released into your system and you can become ill or feel unwell.

Maybe I'm under nourished and my body gets ill. Or maybe, like I said before, I think I'm under nourished so I think myself ill. Or maybe I've had bad luck this year.

I found a new doctor so at least I can report to her that I've made some progress since January in this area. It's all an illusion.

As motivated as I am most days, it's odd that the spring-like days demotivate me. I feel like I haven't lost enough and I so wanted to be slimmer for the spring clothes. I wanted to go shopping for new (smaller) spring clothes. I have goals and I feel a million miles away from reaching them.

I'm a weight loss illusionist.

Okay, okay, after posting this I think I have to admit to myself that I'm feeling down and not motivated and feeling like less of a person because of my modest success and still being overweight. It's one thing - of which I have control - and I don't/can't/won't control it. The down side is that feeling like this makes me want to put food in my mouth - it's a vicious circle.

I want to do some things and I've been putting them off until I'm thinner, and right about now I'm hating that I've put this condition on my fun. It's like I use my weight as an excuse to not do things that I want to do, or think I want to do.

I think a psychiatrist would sort this out rather quickly - or a self-help book.

I remember writing in an earlier diary entry that I know why (and how) I gained this weight but I have no idea how to process it and move past any psychological barriers. I believe it's another vicious circle.

I've become the fat girl in the group. I never was that girl before. But then I'll be the girl who lost all the weight, and while I want to be thin I hate to think I'll be that girl as well.

I think I never realised how many facets of my life have been affected by being overweight. It seems a bit overwhelming to deal with at the moment.
 
Day 88 REFOCUS

I'm feeling much better and what a difference that makes!

I have refocused. Instead of simply feeling good that I’ve stayed on my eating plan, and not gained, I need to achieve a physical goal. Because the physical goal IS the whole point - and it’s not happening.

So I’m going to set goals that are absolutely tangible.

I think the thing which prevented me from making goals like this in the past was I didn’t know what was reasonable, which I now see as a lazy excuse to not make goals. I still don’t know what is reasonable, so I’m going to take a stab in the twilight and say:

3lbs a week the first month 1.5 kg a week 12lbs in 4 weeks.

So, on DAY 106 I should weigh 107kg (WOULDN’T THAT BE FAB!!!)
Is this ambitious? I hope so. I want to impose more discipline on myself and making ambitious and difficult to attain goals might just do it. I even feel really motivated just seeing what the result could be!!

I’m also going to weigh myself on Fridays instead of Mondays as it seems I have more discipline during the week than on the weekends -which should also change if I want to meet my goals - but Fridays seems so much less dreadful than Mondays so I’ll make the change regardless.

I’ve got a floor exercise plan that is totally doable and I need only do it more often. It’s 60 minutes of stretching and isometric movements meant to tone. Normally I do about 15 minutes and stop, for no good reason. I will walk at least 30 uninterrupted minutes every day – and never include my walk to the train station or normal daily routine as part of the exercise regime. When I get my heart medication sorted out, I’ll add riding my bike. That should happen after Easter, so possibly by week 4.

This is my 4 week plan. It’s not enough to stick to the plan I need to make physical progress.

Physical change is what I'm after!
 
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