The Crocus Diary

good for you for having a plan. i'm sure you can do whatever you set your mind to. since i started i lost 20 pounds (9kg), and i started on january 5 :D maybe not a lot to someone, but to me its huge. and the point is i'm not really that hungry. but i'm more aware of what my mind is going through emotionally just to get that comfort food. sometimes i give in, but mostly i don't.
exercise is not only for getting a body...to me it has become an outlet for all the negativity i collect during the day. there are times when i don't feel like going, but i'm always extremely happy when i make myself go anyway.

so just keep focused, and when you feel like you're losing yourself, come on here and vent, write around, give some support. it will help you.

Lena
 
Day 306

Been a while since I posted. I was totally demotivated by hovering around 117 and 119 for several months.

I did something different, not planned but just different. I started making small changes. Really small. So small I didn't really notice until someone asked.

No chocolate and no sweets: I achieved this by simply cutting back and replacing with fruit, now it's exclusively fruit. No icecream, I switched to yogurt then to lowfat yogurt, and now whatever it is I eat can hardly be called a dairy product! ha! ha! From 3 cups a day to 3 cups a week of coffee, sweetner instead of sugar. Pizza? what's that?

It's not like I was overdoing it but it was enough to sustain my weight and well... the point was to reduce and even the small indulgences I was allowing weren't in line with my goals.

I also eat a lot less bread. I cut out pasta altoghter a couple of years ago. I was really sure I would die a slow and painful death without pasta, but I haven't and it hasn't even been that painful. I had tried the Atkins diet and when I went off the Atkins diet and ate bread and pasta again, I was keenly aware of my bodies reaction to these products. It didn't like them. So I stopped pasta and only ate bread a couple times a week and I feel much better. I suppose it's possible I have an allergy - or so I have read - but I've never had it tested.

Okay, so now Christmas is nearing and sweets are in the office more and more, which is Okay, until someone brings cake. That seems to be the one thing I can't keep my fingers away from. I love cake. I think I did pretty well yesterday though, I took a small slice, took 3 bites of the best bits and then bravely trashed the rest of it. I think I felt okay about it, but part of my still feels deprived. It's those two sides fighting with each other.

My exercise hasn't changed much. Except maybe that I finally have a fairly comfortable pair of work shoes which enables me to walk more often. I live in a big city so I take the train everywhere and I can opt to walk more or less depending on weather and energy. It's been nice to walk more. Still, I'm not very strong.

I think it's worth the little extra money to join the fittness studio for 3 months. I really don't trust myself to change my lifestyle and commit to a 1 or 2 year contract. I know from experience that my motivation wanes after a couple of months. Funny that because in my early 20s I was a Gym-fanatic. I clocked a lot of hours there and could totally kick-ass on the stairmaster and buns of steel aerobic class. Ahh, those were the days - youth and energy!

I'm trepiditious about breaking my 117-119 cycle. I'm glad of course, but because I was hanging around that weight for so long I'm suspicious about how long it will last, now that I feel I've escaped that weight category. I think that if I keep losing steadily my suspicion will fade, but we'll see.

I think 26 lbs in 11 months is really fantastic and I don't feel like I failed at all. The new year is coming and the recent break from my plateau has given me new motivation. 26 pounds! That's almost 30.. that's a lot!!

Woo hoo!:willy_nilly::willy_nilly:
 
Day 307 Reality Check

This site is fab...except...

I have been really happy about my loss. I like losing only a few kilos then converting it to pounds and seeing the BIG LOSS! I'm from the US so I function better in pounds, but being in Germany I'm forced to suffer learning to use kilos - it's not so bad really.

UNTIL... one thing I haven't done is convert my whole weight to pounds. I was using my thumb and calculated that 1KG is about 2LBs. Although when it comes to loss, I want the exact number and I can see it's not a 1:2 ratio. I've avoided the total weight calculation for quite some time.

I was reading some other diaries and looking at pics and stuff and for some reason I decided to calculate my overall weight. That was a mistake and a huge demotivator.

Motivation comes and goes with the wind. Check back with me after my cappuccino and I might have a different mindset, but right now I'm kinda bummed.

Does anyone else have this problem? When I was thin I thought I looked fat, and when I'm fat I'm totally in denial about just how fat I actually am. It's like reverse body-image problem... or maybe that exactly IS what a body image problem is.

Ah well - a reality check may not feel good, but at least I can process the information and deal with it. :nopity:
 
Day 309

Today is another good day.


I don't know how my body fluctuates so much. One day I'm 114.9,kg the next day I'm 116.1kg, the next I'm 115.6kg. It's much like the plateau behavior I had, but this is only one week, not 4 months.

I used to think weighing myself everyday was a bad idea. But it helps keep me motivated. If it motivates me then I should do it. I only count the Sundays weight, but I like to see it everyday regardless.

It's amazing how easy it is to resist things now. It was easy before, but took some work, now it's more automatic. When somehting is not good for meeting my goals so I simply say no. It's not always easy, but I'm thankful that the easy times are the norm.

I really thought I couldn't live without chocolate. I can.

I really thought I couldn't do without bread (ie sandwich) everyday. I can.

I really thought that life without pasta would be painful. I've survived.

I thought I'd get hungry. I'm satiated.

I feel really okay - most of the time - with what I'm doing. It's lonely sometimes but I'm doing it for me, not for others, so lonely it must be.

Oprah said it best: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
 
Day 310

Last evening was tough. I had to meet clients at the pub - their request to meet there. They were eating potato wedges and sloppy yummy smelling food and it was driving me nuts. They offered me fries and wedges and chips... ugh - it was painful.

I perservered. I was nearly, literally, drooling, but I didn't take a taste, not one. I was soooooo good.

Is that being good?

I handled it well, I just said no thanks and left it at that, instead of apologising that I was on a diet and making a fuss over them eating all that highly desireable comfort food in front of me.

I had a light-cider which I managed to make last 2 hours, then a mineral water then I was really glad to be out of there!!

I went home to face another challenge - it was about 10:30pm, my appetite had been stimulated beyond reason and I was tired so my resistance might be weak. There I was and about to get off at my train stop where... I have to walk past a McDonalds, a Turkish Döner yummy shop, and a pizza vendor... it's like diet hell around here I tell ya!

I knew if I made it past those places I would be home free.

I did, and I was - so... another challenge overcome - I'M really happy for myself. YAY me! :hurray:

So... on to another day of successes for me! :cheers2:
 
Day 310 Part 2

I had a good day.

I fell down some stairs at the train and nobody stopped to see if I was okay or help. That wasn't the good part.

The good part is that I stuck to my plan. I walked 3 miles. After yesterdays' walk I noticed today that my legs were sore - that has to be a sign of a work out! ha! ha!

I felt slimmer today, around the waist. I dunno why, I'm surely not.

I noticed that I look in the mirror more often, looking for changes. My clothes have become baggy which is good for winter so I can wear warm things underneath without changing my wardrobe.

I adjusted my bra yesterday and when I wore it today it made me look different, maybe my boobs being in the right place helped my waist appear slimmer... or rather that I HAVE a waist. Tee hee....

Like before when I refocused, I find that in every spare moment when my attention isn't focused on work or cats or laundry or whatever, I'm thinking about food and what I'll eat if I'm a bad girl.

I daydream of comfort foods like potatos and big bulging drippy burgers... the veg-heads will be repulsed, but I'm a carnivore, so it is. My sweet tooth has stayed in check, which is WONDERFUL because that's my biggest weakness.

Oh, and some lady brought me a lunch plate today. I thanked her and told her I was on a diet. I sniffed at the food, but then tossed it when she was well away from where she could see me doing it. I felt badly for wasting the food and at the same time glad I didn't eat it.

Everything seems okay so far, I'm happy with my progress.
 
Day 313

:party:

It's the weekend!! The weekends are easiest for me because I can stay home and not go out and smell tempting things.

I've got 3kg to go to meet my extra-short-term goal and I think I can do it.

There was a lot of temptation this week.

I had two bad things happen, 1st I got bad news that my godmother had passed away and the 2nd was that I fell down some stairs and not a single person stopped to help me even though I was clearly hurt. I'm still appalled by that incident

Through those two things I somehow stuck to my plan and didn't comfort eat.

I also surpassed a previous limit. Before I was only able to be good for 10 days and on the 10th day I had to cheat. I've been good for 12 days now and I'm really happy. I'm also happy with the result of being good.

I'm meant to go to a party this evening. The hostess is rather generous and I'm hoping that my only crime is a glass of wine - but if she has THAT cheese, I might die trying to fight the temptation. I really should skip it but it would be rude and undiplomatic considering she's a business contact.

Next Friday I have to have lunch with clients, which I've been mentally preparing for since last month. I don't know where we will go so I don't know if I can get away with having just a soup. They know I'm American and I can only hope that they don't decide to go to an American resturant or steak house in my honor, which happens occaisionally. After that seminar there is a birthday/going away party for a beloved colleague at a pub... dangerous time for me next Friday. I can only do my best, and certainly be good until then!!
 
Day 313 part 2

I just wanted to add by repeating how much weighing myself everday motivates me.

I have the expected fluctuation throughout the day, less in the morning, more in the evening and such.

For example, yesterday, on my way home, I was tired and cranky and would like to grab something covered in cheese and fried on the way ome, but knowing that I could weigh myself when I got home and wanting to see a good result helped keep me from succombing to the impulse.

You know, actually, that kind of food doesn't even appeal to me anymore. It's like death in a paper bag for 5.99. There are other tempting foods which I have to walk past on my way home, but that isn't one of them.
 
hey you:) its nice to see you posting again. i wasn't here for a while because i didn't find much time to do it by moving to budapest and just a lot on my mind. and i did get out of balance for a while, now i'm fighting to get back on track with myself. i didn't gain any weight in process but i did not lose either. and that was very bad for my mind. i'm still having problems with myself but hopefully that will pass soon.

i'm glad you're doing great. just keep doing it. you know you can do it :D
Lena
 
Day 314

I went to the part. I brought my own non-surgary non-alcoholic drink and that worked out well. I just happened upon it at the supermarket, it's for diabetics. It was yum.

The food at the party was served all at once and EVERYONE ate, it was nearly like a dinner so I was forced to have something. It would have been inappropriate not to. So I nibbled - nothing to be ashamed of at all.

However...

I weighed myself this morning and had gained 3kg. That's 6.6 pounds!! How the hell does anyone gain 6.6 pounds overnight?!! I didn't eat more than a handfull of something made with rice so I find it really difficult to understand how my body managed to gain such an extreme amount of weight!

I HOPE this is one of those fluctuations for which they say weighing everday is a bad idea. But 6.6 pounds!?!?! Unbelievable! Simply astounding!

I'm hoping it's all water from that strange new juice type stuf I was drinking last night.

Ah well... we'll see how it is later in the day.

Oh, and I woke up to snow this morning - I knew it was cold waiting for the train last night, but I didn't expect it to snow!

Ciao for now.
 
Day 315

My back really really hurts. I hope it's not from the fall. Who am I trying to kid? I hope it's from doing too much housework or not sleeping well. I'll see the doc tomorrow morning when I'm off work.

I weighed myself this morning and a full 2kg from that 3 from yesterday is gone. That was a relief. Still, it could move faster and I wouldn't complain.

I'm not in a good mood, but then again, it's practically midnight and I'm on my way to work. On Mondays I start work at 7am and it takes at least an hour to get to the customer. I don't like Mondays. On the other hand, Mondays is when I earn most of my money so it's a necessary evil.

I hope to feel better when my brain is awake.

This is officially day 14 of the fast - minus the handful of rice stuff from Saturday evening which very quickly exited my body on it's own accord. Although I have had my moments of weakness, it's been surprisingly easy this time. I wish I knew the secret formula.

I plan to break the fast on Friday. I'm doing a seminar that day and it will be impossible to avoid food so I may as well make it that day. My only concern is that they won't have good foods to break with. It's not good to eat something heavy after a fast and I don't want to interrupt the seminar because I, the speaker, needs to run to the toilet to get sick. I'm praying for fruits and soup - that would be ideal.

The seminar is all prepared so this week should be stress free.

Okay, so that's all for today, I hope. I'm totally sleepy... off I go to work then!
 
Don't worry, it won't be 6.6lbs of FAT! There are SO MANY explanations for weight fluctuations.

Snow must be awesome! I've never been to the snow :( it barely gets below 20degrees celsius here.
 
Day 316

DUH... of course! Thanks for the reminder - of course it's not 3kg of fat, it's just water fluctuations. Really, thanks for the reminder!

I broke my fast yesterday because I was just so stressed about the lunch I have to endure with customers on Friday. I don't want to feel ill after the lunch so I thought it best to break it now. I'm glad I did... I was quite uncomfortable with just an apple and broth. Today I'll have more fruit and broth and maybe have something more substantial on Wednesday evening or Thursday so that I can handle a salad on Friday.

I don't feel bad about breaking it. I have a million and one birthday parties coming up and that would be difficult on a fast so it's just as well. I'll do another 10-day fast before leaving for California, and then it's diet hell. I miss American food and I literally have a list of food I want to eat while I'm back home. It's terrible to vacation in the US - I think it's easy to abstain from temptation here because I don't like much of the food in general, but THERE... there's Jamba juice, Wendy's, and root beer!

Last year my dad was so sweet, he bought diet root beer instead of the regular just to help me out. And low-fat everything else - even low sodium crackers! He's been cutting back too so I think he can appreciate the difficulty. So, the two weeks vaca in Cali over Christmas won't be too too terrible. And! And! And! There's a really sweet dawggie that needs walking, so I'll not have an excuse to not exercise.

So right about now I'm thinking, or remembering, what my goal is - and it's a good goal. Only 2kg to go before Christmas - a little extra exercise won't hurt!

:waving:
 
Day 322

The weekend was good and uneventful. Went to a birthday party where some English woman was pushing her sausage rolls. I had one and it was clearly a taboo food. They were homeade and you could just taste the fatt in the dough. Ah well, one was enough to be sociable.

I've become so extremely conscious of everything that goes into my mouth. I watch other people eat and see that they don't seem to care what they put into their mouths. It's a little like an awakening.

I shopped around for gyms to join. I've lost my 12 kg without any *real* extra effort to exercise. I think that's fantastic! Nevertheless, I wonder how successful I COULD HAVE BEEN had I incorporated exercise. I've been ill so it was impossible to do anything with any regularity so I won't be so hard on myself about it. Regardless, I'm hoping to get the okay from the shouting doctor that I can get to the gym and maximise the use of my 12 months, rather than have him tell me I'll be out of commission for 3 of them. See... I might have to have a surgery on my back and I haven't a clue how it will affect my mobility and for how long. Sucks2beme.

I'm really just waiting on that before I go do the test week at the two different gyms. I don't know how gyms are in the US anymore, it's been FOREVER since I was a gym rat, but here they have these "systems" in place. They really map out a program for you and you do it and THEY track your progress. It reminds me of the last time I was at Golds and did their "program", but this is even more structured, if that's even possible.

So here's to monday.. more of the same!
 
Day 325

I broke my fast a week ago and felt like I failed, sort of, not totally. I did it in an effort to avoid what could have been an uncomfortable professional situation, which it turned out was unneccessary.

So since then I've eaten sensibly and today was the first day I got on the scale since breaking my fast. I had mentally prepared for trauma and loathing.

I was happily dissappointed.

I was at 112.4 today, well below the dreaded 115. So I've lost my interim goal of 30lbs. I'm stoked!!

Then I looked at that and decided to do the math and found that it was 2.5 lbs a month which is TOTALLY reasonable - and overal quite an accomplishment I'd say.

I haven't taken measurements since June-ish and that was the last picture too. I think I know my task for the weekend. :willy_nilly:

I'm totally motivated to start an exercise program. I would imagine that adding exercise will get me to my goal faster. Hopefully... but I think I'm doing well regardless!

:willy_nilly::willy_nilly::willy_nilly::willy_nilly::willy_nilly:
 
Day 332

:nopity: :nopity: :nopity:

I'm sooooo depressed to day. I actually thought of what would happen if I flung myself onto the train tracks. Funny, yeah, but not actually. I really am feeling very down.

I've lost the weight of a healthy 3 year old and I'm glad about that.

My pants hang on me and so I'm reminded constantly of my success.

Today I had the not so bright idea to shop for a new pair of pants. Somehow I've managed to be between my next smaller size, which are too small, and the ones I'm wearing now which are rather saggy.

I hate shopping for clothes.

Nothing fit. The size below this one was too tight, the size I'm wearing now was too loose, and I tried on every pair in the store looking for a cut which would fit. I left the store empty handed nearly in tears over the wasted effort.

I've never been perfectly proportioned, even when thin, but is it too much to ask for ONE pair of pants to fit me? Grrr!

I have to give another seminar in a week and I was hoping to wear something more flattering than these baggy "hobo" pants. :banghead:
 
Day 334

Okay, I'm in a better mood today.

I'll start my period any second now which would account for the bad mood anyway.

Usually before my period I gain quite a lot of water and don't get on the scale, but out of morbid curiosity I did.

I think it's broken. It said 112.8 If that includes water I'll totally freak out...well, as much as a 40 year old can freak out, I will do so.

The seminar will be conducted in baggy saggy pants and a smart but oversized blouse. I'm still not able to find my waist and until I can I won't wear anything that would normally show it off.

I'm so happy about my progress and at the same time so unhappy that I have so much farther to go. This makes me embarassed that I ever let my weight get so high in the first place.
 
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Day 337

I started my new program on Jan 1st, I don't know how the days got so wanky. I'll fix it on Jan 1, 08.

I think I have work stress and that is making me moody. I say I think because I work for two companies doing the same job - but I only have trouble with the customers from one of those companies. It's the exact same work!! So one company thinks I'm the cat's meow and the other thinks there is an issue with customer service. Super... I really doesn't make any sense to me, but it happens so often that a customer gets upset that if I were the employer I would think the same. Unfortunately, I'm me and I see one company who has troublesome customers and the other company who has fantastic customers. Not to mention my private customers who are happy.

I dunno.

I want to cut back my portions next year. I've been using fasting as a means to loose weight. It works for me. Between fasting I eat healthy and simple and obide by all those dieting rules of reduction. So you could say I'm on a super diet and instead of binging I go the other way. Like I said, it works for me and it also helps my psyche come to the idea that if I miss a meal nothing terrible will happen. After this year, it has almost worked.

I went to work one morning without my usual oatmeal and banana and was freaking out that I wouldn't have enough energy to do my job and the customers would think I was tired or lazy or blah blah blah, around I went with not having eaten anything that morning. I was able to finally remember the times of fasting and how I had plenty of energy and didn't need to grab ANYthing to survive until my next break.

Baby steps.

Is it ironic how someone who's afraid of being without food should find fasting a successful means of weight loss? I suspect so. That's me wrestling with my head... soldier on!
 
Last of 2007

I haven't weighed myself since uh, the last count, which was 14 kilos or 30.6984 pounds, or round about there. That will be my official standing for 2007.

Since the beginning of December I've been to 4 christmas type parties and other such impromptu gatherings where alcohol and/or sweets were consumed.

I won't get on the scale again until the new year and rather than assess the damage, start from scratch.

In my culture the new year is a time for new beginnings and fresh starts. So whatever the weight, that's where I'll begin anew.

I'm sure I haven't undone all the good I did in the last year, I do have some self control, but it was a whole lot more calories than what I normally eat & drink.

I can look back on this year and know that I accomplished at least the goal of retraining my food choices. Next year's theme will be about portion control.

The jury is still out on the exercise situation... I certainly hope I can incorporate it because I'm terribly motivated to do so and I'd hate to waste all this motivation.

I'm off to Cali for some face time with the family. Oddly enough this will be the best part of the season due to the fact that my whole family is on any combination of blood pressure/cholesterol/weight controlled diets... all the easier for me!

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, or whatever you celebrate - have a good one!

Roll on 2008!
 
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