rainyforest138
New member
I like your journal, I like how you have questions for yourself they are good! Keep going you will do awesome! 
Taking Back Control (A Diary)
- Thread starter Loch
- Start date
- Status
plain-jane
New member
Hey there. It's interesting you were a member before and came back recently. I was a member years ago too and just came back.
It's great you wanted to pick up your health and slap it around a little bit, so good luck for you. I like that list, and I'm going to snag it for my journal as well!
Keep up the great work.
It's great you wanted to pick up your health and slap it around a little bit, so good luck for you. I like that list, and I'm going to snag it for my journal as well!
Keep up the great work.
Loch
New member
AYeah I found the list of questions on IrishPrincess' journal 
it's really fun.
Today I had
Dorito's Snack for 100
Small apple for 50
Curves shake for 120
Lean Cuisine Chicken Pasta for 300
Banana for 100
Ham stick x2 for 90
Tatters 390
Weight Watches pizza 380 calories
Total: 1530
Today I did
60 minuet's of walking - 280 burned
Curves group workout - 500 burned
Total: 780
Day 07 - Do your friends and family know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they support you?
I don't really have friends...the truth is, I'm something of a loner. I have my co-workers, but really, I don't hang out with them or talk to them regularly outside of work. They know I'm trying to lose weight. They tell me I'm doing a good job, but that's pretty much it. My mom knows, she's probably my biggest support. She actually hides the coke when she buys it for herself. She'll cook me food once in a while, and make it as low-calorie as she can. She even bought a scale.
I have a tendency to push people away. I've always been anti-social, I had a rough childhood. I get along better with people online. I have some friends on a forum that I run, and they're all supportive there. I even made a forum for weight-loss and a few of the members post their own progress there or share tips with each other. I feel that I have enough support. Everyone says you need a friend to get through a weight loss journey, or a buddy to workout with, but I tried that once. It never really worked well because I always got so anxious. Maybe once I get some confidence, I'll be able to make friends. Until then, I don't mind being a lone wolf.
it's really fun. Today I had
Dorito's Snack for 100
Small apple for 50
Curves shake for 120
Lean Cuisine Chicken Pasta for 300
Banana for 100
Ham stick x2 for 90
Tatters 390
Weight Watches pizza 380 calories
Total: 1530
Today I did
60 minuet's of walking - 280 burned
Curves group workout - 500 burned
Total: 780
Day 07 - Do your friends and family know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they support you?
I don't really have friends...the truth is, I'm something of a loner. I have my co-workers, but really, I don't hang out with them or talk to them regularly outside of work. They know I'm trying to lose weight. They tell me I'm doing a good job, but that's pretty much it. My mom knows, she's probably my biggest support. She actually hides the coke when she buys it for herself. She'll cook me food once in a while, and make it as low-calorie as she can. She even bought a scale.
I have a tendency to push people away. I've always been anti-social, I had a rough childhood. I get along better with people online. I have some friends on a forum that I run, and they're all supportive there. I even made a forum for weight-loss and a few of the members post their own progress there or share tips with each other
. I feel that I have enough support. Everyone says you need a friend to get through a weight loss journey, or a buddy to workout with, but I tried that once. It never really worked well because I always got so anxious. Maybe once I get some confidence, I'll be able to make friends. Until then, I don't mind being a lone wolf.
tetemcg
New member
AAwe hun!! We may be cyber...but we are your friends and your support. 
Your mom sounds sweet!! I am sure you will come out of your shell with each and every pound gone!
To be honest....I am a social whore...lmao...I love to be loud and fun with our ridiculous amount of friends....but I too have cut way way back on my own natural personalty because of my weight...we use to go out dancing in groups of 20 plus....out to the local bar with tens of us...shooting pool...sharing shots....but this weight as taken my drive for attention away...I would rather surf the net and be in my comfy clothes..but there are glimpses of me coming back with each pound gone....and I know you will find a happier you with each pound loss too.
Your mom sounds sweet!! I am sure you will come out of your shell with each and every pound gone! To be honest....I am a social whore...lmao...I love to be loud and fun with our ridiculous amount of friends....but I too have cut way way back on my own natural personalty because of my weight...we use to go out dancing in groups of 20 plus....out to the local bar with tens of us...shooting pool...sharing shots....but this weight as taken my drive for attention away...I would rather surf the net and be in my comfy clothes..but there are glimpses of me coming back with each pound gone....and I know you will find a happier you with each pound loss too.
Frogged
New member
A[quote name="Loch" url="/t/32050/taking-back-control-a-diary/80#post_808311"]
Day 07 - Do your friends and family know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they support you?
I don't really have friends...the truth is, I'm something of a loner. I have my co-workers, but really, I don't hang out with them or talk to them regularly outside of work. They know I'm trying to lose weight. They tell me I'm doing a good job, but that's pretty much it. My mom knows, she's probably my biggest support. She actually hides the coke when she buys it for herself. She'll cook me food once in a while, and make it as low-calorie as she can. She even bought a scale.
I have a tendency to push people away. I've always been anti-social, I had a rough childhood. I get along better with people online. I have some friends on a forum that I run, and they're all supportive there. I even made a forum for weight-loss and a few of the members post their own progress there or share tips with each other. I feel that I have enough support. Everyone says you need a friend to get through a weight loss journey, or a buddy to workout with, but I tried that once. It never really worked well because I always got so anxious. Maybe once I get some confidence, I'll be able to make friends. Until then, I don't mind being a lone wolf.[/quote]
Wow Loch, it's like reading something I wrote. Almost scary how exact that is to my own life!
I think you're doing great as is though. Sometimes we don't necessarily need a buddy in real life or whatever to keep us going. Support comes in all forms and this forum is probably better than anything someone could find in real life anyway
Keep up the awesome work!
Day 07 - Do your friends and family know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they support you?
I don't really have friends...the truth is, I'm something of a loner. I have my co-workers, but really, I don't hang out with them or talk to them regularly outside of work. They know I'm trying to lose weight. They tell me I'm doing a good job, but that's pretty much it. My mom knows, she's probably my biggest support. She actually hides the coke when she buys it for herself. She'll cook me food once in a while, and make it as low-calorie as she can. She even bought a scale.
I have a tendency to push people away. I've always been anti-social, I had a rough childhood. I get along better with people online. I have some friends on a forum that I run, and they're all supportive there. I even made a forum for weight-loss and a few of the members post their own progress there or share tips with each other
. I feel that I have enough support. Everyone says you need a friend to get through a weight loss journey, or a buddy to workout with, but I tried that once. It never really worked well because I always got so anxious. Maybe once I get some confidence, I'll be able to make friends. Until then, I don't mind being a lone wolf.[/quote]Wow Loch, it's like reading something I wrote. Almost scary how exact that is to my own life!
I think you're doing great as is though. Sometimes we don't necessarily need a buddy in real life or whatever to keep us going. Support comes in all forms and this forum is probably better than anything someone could find in real life anyway
Keep up the awesome work!
Loch
New member
AYou guys are so sweet ^^! Thanks. I love this forum, it's helped me SO much in staying on track. And you know, this list of questions keeps me motivated too. I like answering them.
Today I had
Half a bottle of Breakfast To Go for 150
Three pickles for 12
Packet of carrots for 20
Ice cap for 150
Two ham sticks for 90
Pizza Sub for 270
Home made creamy vegetable soup, not sure...going to say 400
Banana for 100
Total: 1192
Today I did
No exercise today. Felt bad about that, but I did go Tuesday and Wednesday so I felt tired, and convinced myself that a break would be good. I'll go tomorrow and Saturday.
I ended up walking for 30 min, not sure how many, maybe 150
Total: 150
Day 08 - Your workout routine.
My routine is just starting, I'm trying to get into the habit of it. I just joined a "Biggest Loser" challenge at Curves. I have to do 10,000 steps a day, one activity a week, and workout 4 times a week so I break it down like this:
Monday and Tuesday:
30 min walk to Curves
30 min exercise (strength training on a circuit)
30 min walk home from curves
30 min walk after work (I purposely walk 15 min to the bus stop rather than sit and wait for my bus near my work, and get off before my bus stop by my house)
Wednesday is the same thing, except I do a group work out, so it's a little more intense.
Thursday and Friday is the same as Monday and Tuesday.
So, all in all I get about 2 1/2 hours worth of exercise, and 7 1/2 hours of walking a week.
Walking = 2000 calories burned a week
Exercise = 2000 calories burned a week
Of course this is all estimating, I may not manage to do it one day, or I may end up cutting it down to just four days. All I know is that I have to try. I also decided on a goal. My aunt is having Thanksgiving dinner on the 7th, I decided I'm going to walk to her house from work. It's 12KM, about 2.5 hours, but man it would be such an accomplishment. My mom won't be off work til 7 p.m. anyway, so I figured I'm off at 5 p.m. so I'll walk there and probably get there before her. I think it'll be fun.
Anyway, that's my exercise routine. Lots of walking, and Curves. I really hope I stick with it. I'm addicted to sleep, I love my dreams, and I sleep even when I don't need sleep. It sucks. I'm so bad at getting up early. I have to keep trying!
Today I had
Half a bottle of Breakfast To Go for 150
Three pickles for 12
Packet of carrots for 20
Ice cap for 150
Two ham sticks for 90
Pizza Sub for 270
Home made creamy vegetable soup, not sure...going to say 400
Banana for 100
Total: 1192
Today I did
No exercise today. Felt bad about that, but I did go Tuesday and Wednesday so I felt tired, and convinced myself that a break would be good. I'll go tomorrow and Saturday.
I ended up walking for 30 min, not sure how many, maybe 150
Total: 150
Day 08 - Your workout routine.
My routine is just starting, I'm trying to get into the habit of it. I just joined a "Biggest Loser" challenge at Curves. I have to do 10,000 steps a day, one activity a week, and workout 4 times a week so I break it down like this:
Monday and Tuesday:
30 min walk to Curves
30 min exercise (strength training on a circuit)
30 min walk home from curves
30 min walk after work (I purposely walk 15 min to the bus stop rather than sit and wait for my bus near my work, and get off before my bus stop by my house)
Wednesday is the same thing, except I do a group work out, so it's a little more intense.
Thursday and Friday is the same as Monday and Tuesday.
So, all in all I get about 2 1/2 hours worth of exercise, and 7 1/2 hours of walking a week.
Walking = 2000 calories burned a week
Exercise = 2000 calories burned a week
Of course this is all estimating, I may not manage to do it one day, or I may end up cutting it down to just four days. All I know is that I have to try. I also decided on a goal. My aunt is having Thanksgiving dinner on the 7th, I decided I'm going to walk to her house from work. It's 12KM, about 2.5 hours, but man it would be such an accomplishment. My mom won't be off work til 7 p.m. anyway, so I figured I'm off at 5 p.m. so I'll walk there and probably get there before her. I think it'll be fun
. Anyway, that's my exercise routine. Lots of walking, and Curves. I really hope I stick with it. I'm addicted to sleep, I love my dreams, and I sleep even when I don't need sleep. It sucks. I'm so bad at getting up early. I have to keep trying!
plain-jane
New member
It is great that you found a way to make a support system when you felt like a "loner." That proves that you are the exact opposite of a loner. You seem super nice, responsible, and able to have a conversation...to me, that makes a totally sociable person. Who is to say one type of social construct is better than another? If you feel you have a good support system, that's wonderful!
Loch
New member
AThanks Plain Jane. I suppose you're right. I'm social in my own way . I just hate that I tend to push people away, even online. It'll change someday, I hope.
I just got back from the dentist. I went to the college here in my city, because it's cheaper since students are doing the work. I was afraid I wouldn't pass the screening. Either the work I would need would be too much for them to handle, or too little. I was so happy to find out that I was accepted as a patient! I'm not sure what they'll do...the dentist that looked at my teeth mentioned pulling one of my back teeth, and something about an operation. I have a lot of cavities, and the gums on the inside of my bottom front teeth are receding. I need to do something! I don't want to lose my teeth. I neglected them, and dentists are so expensive, which is why I never go. My next appointment is the exam on the 6th. Now I have to tell my boss I need the day off >.> lately he's been not giving me days off that I ask for! But the exam is 4 hours long and I NEED to get this work done!
Today I had
Ham stick for 45
Oatmeal for 260
Booster Juice for 400
Totally cheated and had a medium pizza today. Not gonna count today.
Total: --
Today I did
60 minuet's of walking - 280 burned
Curves workout - 383 burned
Total: 663
Day 09 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Where do I even start? I first noticed I had a pudgy belly when I was around 7 years old. My mom kept telling me it was baby fat, it would go away. Meanwhile, my diet consisted of junk food and soda. I never learned how to properly eat. I'm not trying to blame my mom, or anything, I just feel I missed out on a lot of life's lessons growing up. Mom and dad were always fighting, he wasn't around so much, I know it was hard...
In grade 3, I was probably around 8 at the time, I began to feel what it was like to be outcast. During recess a boy (whose name I have no recollection of) and his friends constantly made fun of me. I was called "fat-so" nearly every day. My friends? I had none. I used to play imaginary games by myself in the thicket. I'd pretend I had super powers, and I'd live in a world of my own because honestly...who wanted to live in this one when everyone laughed at you? I recall one field trip where we all had to step on a scale to see our weight, and I was afraid to. I weighed more than the other kids...I used to kind of stick my chin out to try and get rid of my double chin, especially for picture day.
I ended up gaining weight right through elementary school. By the time I was 10 I would wear two pairs of pants, a shirt and a sweater, as if it would hide my body. One boy used to always beak me off, and call me "sasquatch" or "butch". I made two friends, but eventually one got into drugs (yes, at that age), while the other and I grew distant. My father passed away when I was 12, shortly thereafter I began cutting myself (I cut my wrist once before, over something else when I was 11). It got worse as I got older. I spent more time online than anything, getting sucked into an abusive online relationship, and pushing everyone away.
At one point I recall my mom calling me a fat bitch. A few times she made remarks about ex-boyfriends leaving me for being a bitch, this and that. I tried killing myself several times when I was 15-16.
I lost weight when I was 13, I went from 200 down to 160. Everyone noticed, everyone complimented me. I let it get to my head, I had gotten sick, so I couldn't eat. It was easy...and I didn't change any of my habits.
When my weight went back up to 200, when I was 17, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and then broke up with me. He said "I'll still love you, double chin and all". During our relationship he told me about a girl he talked to online, she was the "prettier skinner" me. He said he didn't want to shower with me anymore because I was getting too fat and he didn't like my body.
I've never really been complimented on my body, except when I was 160lb. I've always been told by my peers and loved ones that I'm fat, and that I'm not good enough. Now, no matter where I go, I feel that I'm being judged. It gets to the point where I only go to a hair dresser once a year (when I do, I have to stare at myself in the mirror, I have to wonder what that skinny hair-dresser is thinking of my fat ass). I avoid social gatherings. I leave work party's early. I stay inside unless I HAVE to go outside. I favored the anonymity of the internet, because I could use pictures (which I could strategically take to make myself look slimmer) to show who I am.
Even after 19lb lost I still can't look in the mirror or my reflection anywhere longer than for a few mins. I'm my own worst enemy.
I apologize for the dour answer. I'm having a down day. Turns out my shifts at work got switched around without my knowing until today. I won't be able to go to Thanksgiving this year, I was looking forward to that 2 hour walk and showing up accomplished to the dinner. The guy working my usual shift is an asshole and he said if I have a dinner on Sunday evening, he probably does too, so he won't want to switch but he'll "look into it". I've been there almost 3 years and they do this to me...I'm tired. I just want to take a moment and breathe. I just want to pause the world. At least I managed to get Thursday off so I can get that exam done.
Thanks for reading. I'll bounce back.
. I just hate that I tend to push people away, even online. It'll change someday, I hope.I just got back from the dentist. I went to the college here in my city, because it's cheaper since students are doing the work. I was afraid I wouldn't pass the screening. Either the work I would need would be too much for them to handle, or too little. I was so happy to find out that I was accepted as a patient! I'm not sure what they'll do...the dentist that looked at my teeth mentioned pulling one of my back teeth, and something about an operation. I have a lot of cavities, and the gums on the inside of my bottom front teeth are receding. I need to do something! I don't want to lose my teeth. I neglected them, and dentists are so expensive, which is why I never go. My next appointment is the exam on the 6th. Now I have to tell my boss I need the day off >.> lately he's been not giving me days off that I ask for! But the exam is 4 hours long and I NEED to get this work done!
Today I had
Ham stick for 45
Oatmeal for 260
Booster Juice for 400
Totally cheated and had a medium pizza today
. Not gonna count today.Total: --
Today I did
60 minuet's of walking - 280 burned
Curves workout - 383 burned
Total: 663
Day 09 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Where do I even start? I first noticed I had a pudgy belly when I was around 7 years old. My mom kept telling me it was baby fat, it would go away. Meanwhile, my diet consisted of junk food and soda. I never learned how to properly eat. I'm not trying to blame my mom, or anything, I just feel I missed out on a lot of life's lessons growing up. Mom and dad were always fighting, he wasn't around so much, I know it was hard...
In grade 3, I was probably around 8 at the time, I began to feel what it was like to be outcast. During recess a boy (whose name I have no recollection of) and his friends constantly made fun of me. I was called "fat-so" nearly every day. My friends? I had none. I used to play imaginary games by myself in the thicket. I'd pretend I had super powers, and I'd live in a world of my own because honestly...who wanted to live in this one when everyone laughed at you? I recall one field trip where we all had to step on a scale to see our weight, and I was afraid to. I weighed more than the other kids...I used to kind of stick my chin out to try and get rid of my double chin, especially for picture day.
I ended up gaining weight right through elementary school. By the time I was 10 I would wear two pairs of pants, a shirt and a sweater, as if it would hide my body. One boy used to always beak me off, and call me "sasquatch" or "butch". I made two friends, but eventually one got into drugs (yes, at that age), while the other and I grew distant. My father passed away when I was 12, shortly thereafter I began cutting myself (I cut my wrist once before, over something else when I was 11). It got worse as I got older. I spent more time online than anything, getting sucked into an abusive online relationship, and pushing everyone away.
At one point I recall my mom calling me a fat bitch. A few times she made remarks about ex-boyfriends leaving me for being a bitch, this and that. I tried killing myself several times when I was 15-16.
I lost weight when I was 13, I went from 200 down to 160. Everyone noticed, everyone complimented me. I let it get to my head, I had gotten sick, so I couldn't eat. It was easy...and I didn't change any of my habits.
When my weight went back up to 200, when I was 17, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and then broke up with me. He said "I'll still love you, double chin and all". During our relationship he told me about a girl he talked to online, she was the "prettier skinner" me. He said he didn't want to shower with me anymore because I was getting too fat and he didn't like my body.
I've never really been complimented on my body, except when I was 160lb. I've always been told by my peers and loved ones that I'm fat, and that I'm not good enough. Now, no matter where I go, I feel that I'm being judged. It gets to the point where I only go to a hair dresser once a year (when I do, I have to stare at myself in the mirror, I have to wonder what that skinny hair-dresser is thinking of my fat ass). I avoid social gatherings. I leave work party's early. I stay inside unless I HAVE to go outside. I favored the anonymity of the internet, because I could use pictures (which I could strategically take to make myself look slimmer) to show who I am.
Even after 19lb lost I still can't look in the mirror or my reflection anywhere longer than for a few mins. I'm my own worst enemy.
I apologize for the dour answer. I'm having a down day. Turns out my shifts at work got switched around without my knowing until today. I won't be able to go to Thanksgiving this year, I was looking forward to that 2 hour walk and showing up accomplished to the dinner. The guy working my usual shift is an asshole and he said if I have a dinner on Sunday evening, he probably does too, so he won't want to switch but he'll "look into it". I've been there almost 3 years and they do this to me...I'm tired. I just want to take a moment and breathe. I just want to pause the world. At least I managed to get Thursday off so I can get that exam done.
Thanks for reading
. I'll bounce back.
Frogged
New member
ADentists are just one of the many things I avoided when I was overweight. Mostly because I was always afraid of not being able to fit in the waiting room chairs, or actually breaking the dental chair once the doctor called me back :\ It sucked, but I avoided a lot of things because of that fear of humiliation.
Not long after I started my current job, I would have to make periodic stops at a local mechanic shop for misc maintenance on my vehicle. Sometimes, it would take 30-45min for the repairs to get done. The chairs in the waiting room though, I was barely able to fit in. I'd have to exhale as I sank into it (similar to that scene from the Nutty Professor, lol). Often times, there would be other customers sitting there and I would just be mortified to even attempt to squeeze myself into one There was one day when I actually just leaned back against a nearby wall and pretended to be doing something on my phone. Every so often, I'd get an odd look from one of the customers sitting down.
Yeah, so I avoided going out and doing things like that whenever possible
I'm luckily blessed with pretty good teeth, and I've only had 1 cavity my entire life I just make sure to brush a lot and avoid sweets (except for Sunday of course)
Your habit of pushing people away is something I've always done, simply because I'm afraid of being rejected and/or hurt. It's something that really scared me before, but not so much now. I think if it were to happen, while it would hurt for a time, the motivation it would give me when I exercise would actually be something that I'd be thankful for
Nothing keeps me working harder than emotional pain, as strange as that sounds
Not long after I started my current job, I would have to make periodic stops at a local mechanic shop for misc maintenance on my vehicle. Sometimes, it would take 30-45min for the repairs to get done. The chairs in the waiting room though, I was barely able to fit in. I'd have to exhale as I sank into it (similar to that scene from the Nutty Professor, lol). Often times, there would be other customers sitting there and I would just be mortified to even attempt to squeeze myself into one
There was one day when I actually just leaned back against a nearby wall and pretended to be doing something on my phone. Every so often, I'd get an odd look from one of the customers sitting down. Yeah, so I avoided going out and doing things like that whenever possible
I'm luckily blessed with pretty good teeth, and I've only had 1 cavity my entire life
I just make sure to brush a lot and avoid sweets (except for Sunday of course) Your habit of pushing people away is something I've always done, simply because I'm afraid of being rejected and/or hurt. It's something that really scared me before, but not so much now. I think if it were to happen, while it would hurt for a time, the motivation it would give me when I exercise would actually be something that I'd be thankful for
Nothing keeps me working harder than emotional pain, as strange as that sounds
Loch
New member
AI'm so sorry you had to go through that . The only time I had an incident with seating, my mom made a comment several years ago when I was about 13 years old and she said I was hanging off the chair because I was so fat. I know she meant well, but still, it hurt to realize I was so overweight at such a young age.
I just wish things weren't so expensive. At least I live in Canada so I have free health care, but the dentist charges an arm and a leg. I had 4 teeth pulled when I got braces, I was crying afterward and they thought it was because of losing my teeth. It was because it cost 400+ dollars and the orthodontist said it wouldn't cost me anything. I was never taught proper oral care growing up. I should have learned my lesson a year ago after my first bad cavity.
Sometimes I don't even realize I'm pushing people away. I just sort of...stop talking to them, or get annoyed at little things. Before I know it I don't really talk to anyone. It's one of many things I'll have to work on. Also, I really need to learn how to use emotional pain to my advantage! I get emotionally hurt so much, or just angry over stupid things, but my motivation is so low. It's so hard to crawl out of bed >.
. The only time I had an incident with seating, my mom made a comment several years ago when I was about 13 years old and she said I was hanging off the chair because I was so fat. I know she meant well, but still, it hurt to realize I was so overweight at such a young age. I just wish things weren't so expensive. At least I live in Canada so I have free health care, but the dentist charges an arm and a leg. I had 4 teeth pulled when I got braces, I was crying afterward and they thought it was because of losing my teeth. It was because it cost 400+ dollars and the orthodontist said it wouldn't cost me anything. I was never taught proper oral care growing up. I should have learned my lesson a year ago after my first bad cavity
. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm pushing people away. I just sort of...stop talking to them, or get annoyed at little things. Before I know it I don't really talk to anyone. It's one of many things I'll have to work on. Also, I really need to learn how to use emotional pain to my advantage! I get emotionally hurt so much, or just angry over stupid things, but my motivation is so low. It's so hard to crawl out of bed >.
Loch
New member
AToday I had
Half breakfast to go for 150
Pizza sub for 270
Boston Cream doughnut for 250
Ice cap for 150
Weight watchers frozen dinner for 240
2x ham stick for 90
Grr no more cheating! I know better than to cheat >;(
Total: 1150
Today I did
Slept in, and tomorrow they're closed. I'll go to the gym Monday.
Total: --
Day 10 - What was the hardest thing you gave up during your weight loss journey?
Hmm, that's a tough one. Most people say the obvious; fast food. It's true. It is hard. It's not just the delicious smell as I pass the joint, the instant gratification I could recieve, or the dangerous addictive crap that I'd love to stuff into my pie hole. It's the freedom.
I do still have freedom but, not like I used to. I both hate my diet, and love it. Every day I'm counting. Every day I'm wondering if I could just have one donut, or some fries from McDonalds. I keep having to tell myself no. I get depressed, I get angry, I'm a big baby about it. Eventually I do cave, and I feel even more guilty. Even on days when I could, realistically, cheat and be okay, I still feel guilty.
I gave up the ease of eating easily, stopping somewhere and eating, without wondering just what the hell I just ate. I also had to give up my time. All of a sudden I feel like I have no time. I try to get up early for the gym, but usually I sleep in, and end up wasting four hours. If I do go, I spend 1.5 hours doing it, instead of playing games or writing. I just feel so swamped. Yet, I know I need to be active. I need to get into an exercise groove...but damn, is it hard.
Half breakfast to go for 150
Pizza sub for 270
Boston Cream doughnut for 250
Ice cap for 150
Weight watchers frozen dinner for 240
2x ham stick for 90
Grr no more cheating! I know better than to cheat >;(
Total: 1150
Today I did
Slept in, and tomorrow they're closed. I'll go to the gym Monday.
Total: --
Day 10 - What was the hardest thing you gave up during your weight loss journey?
Hmm, that's a tough one. Most people say the obvious; fast food. It's true. It is hard. It's not just the delicious smell as I pass the joint, the instant gratification I could recieve, or the dangerous addictive crap that I'd love to stuff into my pie hole. It's the freedom.
I do still have freedom but, not like I used to. I both hate my diet, and love it. Every day I'm counting. Every day I'm wondering if I could just have one donut, or some fries from McDonalds. I keep having to tell myself no. I get depressed, I get angry, I'm a big baby about it. Eventually I do cave, and I feel even more guilty. Even on days when I could, realistically, cheat and be okay, I still feel guilty.
I gave up the ease of eating easily, stopping somewhere and eating, without wondering just what the hell I just ate. I also had to give up my time. All of a sudden I feel like I have no time. I try to get up early for the gym, but usually I sleep in, and end up wasting four hours. If I do go, I spend 1.5 hours doing it, instead of playing games or writing. I just feel so swamped. Yet, I know I need to be active. I need to get into an exercise groove...but damn, is it hard.
Irishprincess
New member
Hey hun, i know what its like to neglect your teeth and pay for the consequences Thats what happened to me, i used to have beautiful teeth now i have cavities all over the place. Im sorry to hear yours are so dear though!! My dentist pulls teeth for free!
Thats great that you plan on not cheating anymore I need to do the same xxx
Thats what happened to me, i used to have beautiful teeth now i have cavities all over the place. Im sorry to hear yours are so dear though!! My dentist pulls teeth for free!Thats great that you plan on not cheating anymore
I need to do the same xxx
Frogged
New member
A[quote name="Loch" url="/t/32050/taking-back-control-a-diary/80#post_808492"]
Day 09 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Where do I even start? I first noticed I had a pudgy belly when I was around 7 years old. My mom kept telling me it was baby fat, it would go away. Meanwhile, my diet consisted of junk food and soda. I never learned how to properly eat. I'm not trying to blame my mom, or anything, I just feel I missed out on a lot of life's lessons growing up. Mom and dad were always fighting, he wasn't around so much, I know it was hard...
In grade 3, I was probably around 8 at the time, I began to feel what it was like to be outcast. During recess a boy (whose name I have no recollection of) and his friends constantly made fun of me. I was called "fat-so" nearly every day. My friends? I had none. I used to play imaginary games by myself in the thicket. I'd pretend I had super powers, and I'd live in a world of my own because honestly...who wanted to live in this one when everyone laughed at you? I recall one field trip where we all had to step on a scale to see our weight, and I was afraid to. I weighed more than the other kids...I used to kind of stick my chin out to try and get rid of my double chin, especially for picture day.
I ended up gaining weight right through elementary school. By the time I was 10 I would wear two pairs of pants, a shirt and a sweater, as if it would hide my body. One boy used to always beak me off, and call me "sasquatch" or "butch". I made two friends, but eventually one got into drugs (yes, at that age), while the other and I grew distant. My father passed away when I was 12, shortly thereafter I began cutting myself (I cut my wrist once before, over something else when I was 11). It got worse as I got older. I spent more time online than anything, getting sucked into an abusive online relationship, and pushing everyone away.
At one point I recall my mom calling me a fat bitch. A few times she made remarks about ex-boyfriends leaving me for being a bitch, this and that. I tried killing myself several times when I was 15-16.
I lost weight when I was 13, I went from 200 down to 160. Everyone noticed, everyone complimented me. I let it get to my head, I had gotten sick, so I couldn't eat. It was easy...and I didn't change any of my habits.
When my weight went back up to 200, when I was 17, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and then broke up with me. He said "I'll still love you, double chin and all". During our relationship he told me about a girl he talked to online, she was the "prettier skinner" me. He said he didn't want to shower with me anymore because I was getting too fat and he didn't like my body.
I've never really been complimented on my body, except when I was 160lb. I've always been told by my peers and loved ones that I'm fat, and that I'm not good enough. Now, no matter where I go, I feel that I'm being judged. It gets to the point where I only go to a hair dresser once a year (when I do, I have to stare at myself in the mirror, I have to wonder what that skinny hair-dresser is thinking of my fat ass). I avoid social gatherings. I leave work party's early. I stay inside unless I HAVE to go outside. I favored the anonymity of the internet, because I could use pictures (which I could strategically take to make myself look slimmer) to show who I am.
Even after 19lb lost I still can't look in the mirror or my reflection anywhere longer than for a few mins. I'm my own worst enemy.
I apologize for the dour answer. I'm having a down day. Turns out my shifts at work got switched around without my knowing until today. I won't be able to go to Thanksgiving this year, I was looking forward to that 2 hour walk and showing up accomplished to the dinner. The guy working my usual shift is an asshole and he said if I have a dinner on Sunday evening, he probably does too, so he won't want to switch but he'll "look into it". I've been there almost 3 years and they do this to me...I'm tired. I just want to take a moment and breathe. I just want to pause the world. At least I managed to get Thursday off so I can get that exam done.
Thanks for reading. I'll bounce back.[/quote]
That is absolutely heartbreaking
School just sucks when you're not considered 'socially acceptable'. It's just awful and can really engrave some terrible thoughts toward people in general as you grow up. I really despised people for the most part after high school. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anyone outside of family. I had no trust or willingness to open up to anybody :\
I've talked to a few people and have a few friends that cut themselves. While I never did that myself, I understand the mental state. I always subdued those painful feelings with food, never with knives or razor blades. I have scars of a different nature (stretch), but I really do sympathize with anyone who feels the need to hurt themselves in that way. I'm really sorry you went through that, Loch
Oh, and I STILL stretch my neck out sometimes when photos are taken of me! lol, the double chin thing was always such a burden for me as well. I still sometimes open my jaw while keeping my mouth shut to try and avoid looking 'chubby' in the front of my face, haha. I'm not even aware of it nowadays because I've done that kind of thing for soooo long!
As far as schooling, I personally think I lucked out in the fact that I was among a handful of other similar people in grade school. We formed our own little league and kind of did our own thing. We got teased every so often when we were separated from the whole, but when together, sometimes we were able to pick on some of the 'elitist' kids in the school So it wasn't too bad.
Unfortunately, we weren't very popular with the ladies, so none of us had any girlfriends back then haha
The high school years were a different story though. Just the darkest kind of hell for me emotionally. I attended my first high school only up to about my sophomore year. I transferred out not long after my mother passed away because I just couldn't handle the mental anguish of watching a parent die and also trying to fit into an atmosphere where I was already pegged as a 'fat loser'.
I went to this private academy for.. "troubled" youths, I guess? I don't know. It was run by a nice couple and there were about a dozen kids. The only requirement was that we had to have a part-time job, because the class sessions were only about 3-4 hours. I actually graduated from there a year ahead of when I would've graduated at my previous high school. Eh, whatever. It wasn't Harvard or anything, but I completed it.
I hated school for the most part. I can completely relate to your feelings of being an outsider. While it's not always a bad thing, it certainly is when you're a kid forced into an environment where it's the only way to feel normal
Day 09 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Where do I even start? I first noticed I had a pudgy belly when I was around 7 years old. My mom kept telling me it was baby fat, it would go away. Meanwhile, my diet consisted of junk food and soda. I never learned how to properly eat. I'm not trying to blame my mom, or anything, I just feel I missed out on a lot of life's lessons growing up. Mom and dad were always fighting, he wasn't around so much, I know it was hard...
In grade 3, I was probably around 8 at the time, I began to feel what it was like to be outcast. During recess a boy (whose name I have no recollection of) and his friends constantly made fun of me. I was called "fat-so" nearly every day. My friends? I had none. I used to play imaginary games by myself in the thicket. I'd pretend I had super powers, and I'd live in a world of my own because honestly...who wanted to live in this one when everyone laughed at you? I recall one field trip where we all had to step on a scale to see our weight, and I was afraid to. I weighed more than the other kids...I used to kind of stick my chin out to try and get rid of my double chin, especially for picture day.
I ended up gaining weight right through elementary school. By the time I was 10 I would wear two pairs of pants, a shirt and a sweater, as if it would hide my body. One boy used to always beak me off, and call me "sasquatch" or "butch". I made two friends, but eventually one got into drugs (yes, at that age), while the other and I grew distant. My father passed away when I was 12, shortly thereafter I began cutting myself (I cut my wrist once before, over something else when I was 11). It got worse as I got older. I spent more time online than anything, getting sucked into an abusive online relationship, and pushing everyone away.
At one point I recall my mom calling me a fat bitch. A few times she made remarks about ex-boyfriends leaving me for being a bitch, this and that. I tried killing myself several times when I was 15-16.
I lost weight when I was 13, I went from 200 down to 160. Everyone noticed, everyone complimented me. I let it get to my head, I had gotten sick, so I couldn't eat. It was easy...and I didn't change any of my habits.
When my weight went back up to 200, when I was 17, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and then broke up with me. He said "I'll still love you, double chin and all". During our relationship he told me about a girl he talked to online, she was the "prettier skinner" me. He said he didn't want to shower with me anymore because I was getting too fat and he didn't like my body.
I've never really been complimented on my body, except when I was 160lb. I've always been told by my peers and loved ones that I'm fat, and that I'm not good enough. Now, no matter where I go, I feel that I'm being judged. It gets to the point where I only go to a hair dresser once a year (when I do, I have to stare at myself in the mirror, I have to wonder what that skinny hair-dresser is thinking of my fat ass). I avoid social gatherings. I leave work party's early. I stay inside unless I HAVE to go outside. I favored the anonymity of the internet, because I could use pictures (which I could strategically take to make myself look slimmer) to show who I am.
Even after 19lb lost I still can't look in the mirror or my reflection anywhere longer than for a few mins. I'm my own worst enemy.
I apologize for the dour answer. I'm having a down day. Turns out my shifts at work got switched around without my knowing until today. I won't be able to go to Thanksgiving this year, I was looking forward to that 2 hour walk and showing up accomplished to the dinner. The guy working my usual shift is an asshole and he said if I have a dinner on Sunday evening, he probably does too, so he won't want to switch but he'll "look into it". I've been there almost 3 years and they do this to me...I'm tired. I just want to take a moment and breathe. I just want to pause the world. At least I managed to get Thursday off so I can get that exam done.
Thanks for reading
. I'll bounce back.[/quote]That is absolutely heartbreaking
School just sucks when you're not considered 'socially acceptable'. It's just awful and can really engrave some terrible thoughts toward people in general as you grow up. I really despised people for the most part after high school. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anyone outside of family. I had no trust or willingness to open up to anybody :\
I've talked to a few people and have a few friends that cut themselves. While I never did that myself, I understand the mental state. I always subdued those painful feelings with food, never with knives or razor blades. I have scars of a different nature (stretch), but I really do sympathize with anyone who feels the need to hurt themselves in that way. I'm really sorry you went through that, Loch
Oh, and I STILL stretch my neck out sometimes when photos are taken of me! lol, the double chin thing was always such a burden for me as well. I still sometimes open my jaw while keeping my mouth shut to try and avoid looking 'chubby' in the front of my face, haha. I'm not even aware of it nowadays because I've done that kind of thing for soooo long!
As far as schooling, I personally think I lucked out in the fact that I was among a handful of other similar people in grade school. We formed our own little league and kind of did our own thing. We got teased every so often when we were separated from the whole, but when together, sometimes we were able to pick on some of the 'elitist' kids in the school
So it wasn't too bad.Unfortunately, we weren't very popular with the ladies, so none of us had any girlfriends back then
hahaThe high school years were a different story though. Just the darkest kind of hell for me emotionally. I attended my first high school only up to about my sophomore year. I transferred out not long after my mother passed away because I just couldn't handle the mental anguish of watching a parent die and also trying to fit into an atmosphere where I was already pegged as a 'fat loser'.
I went to this private academy for.. "troubled" youths, I guess? I don't know. It was run by a nice couple and there were about a dozen kids. The only requirement was that we had to have a part-time job, because the class sessions were only about 3-4 hours. I actually graduated from there a year ahead of when I would've graduated at my previous high school. Eh, whatever. It wasn't Harvard or anything, but I completed it.
I hated school for the most part. I can completely relate to your feelings of being an outsider. While it's not always a bad thing, it certainly is when you're a kid forced into an environment where it's the only way to feel normal
Loch
New member
AHigh School was SO bad. I ended up dropping out 3 times and eventually just going through an Adult 12 program. That way I could just go once a week for an hour and get the grade done. I had very little friends. I went into grade 9 a year after my father's death, and soon contracted mono/strep (hence how I lost the 40lb). When I got back from being sick, my class was doing a group assignment. The teacher told me to join one group, so as I was heading toward them they quickly grabbed someone from another group so I couldn't join them. It made me cry. There were several times where I ended up crying in public during High School. People can be cruel.
But that's all in the past. I've made a lot of changes...I'm trying to stay positive, and ignore those feelings, I remind myself that there are better ways to dealing with pain than through self mutilation.
Anyway! I hit 229 today, a full 20lb loss since July 16th. I'm going to make October a good month, and get as active as I can.
But that's all in the past. I've made a lot of changes...I'm trying to stay positive, and ignore those feelings, I remind myself that there are better ways to dealing with pain than through self mutilation.
Anyway! I hit 229 today, a full 20lb loss since July 16th. I'm going to make October a good month, and get as active as I can.
Loch
New member
AWell, I added an updated picture . I'm at 228 now, I kind of see a difference. It's hard for me to tell right now. I see myself every day.
I went into McDonalds after work. I tried to convince myself that it's so good, that I could have a meal, I just won't eat after that at all tonight...I was next in line, and I turned on my heels and left the restaurant. I swear to God a part of me wanted to cry and claw at the door. However, I did the better thing, and put on my tunes before going to look at some exercise machines in the mall.
Today I had
Frozen chicken dinner for 300
2x ham stick for 90
Dorito's snack for 100
Carrots for 40
Banana
Pizza 640
Total: 1270
Today I did
Gym closed today, did some walking.
Total: --
Day 11 - Your favorite fitspo blog and why?
Haha I'm going to guess this "fitspo blog" is for another site. I suppose for here it would be my favorite blog on this site?
I'd have to say it's a toss up between:
There are a lot of great journals. They're all fantastic, and motivating. This community is full of strength, and we support each other in a way that I couldn't do this without. I'm so glad that I came back.
. I'm at 228 now, I kind of see a difference. It's hard for me to tell right now. I see myself every day. I went into McDonalds after work. I tried to convince myself that it's so good, that I could have a meal, I just won't eat after that at all tonight...I was next in line, and I turned on my heels and left the restaurant. I swear to God a part of me wanted to cry and claw at the door. However, I did the better thing, and put on my tunes before going to look at some exercise machines in the mall.
Today I had
Frozen chicken dinner for 300
2x ham stick for 90
Dorito's snack for 100
Carrots for 40
Banana
Pizza 640
Total: 1270
Today I did
Gym closed today, did some walking.
Total: --
Day 11 - Your favorite fitspo blog and why?
Haha I'm going to guess this "fitspo blog" is for another site. I suppose for here it would be my favorite blog on this site?
I'd have to say it's a toss up between:
- IrishPrincess Weight Loss Tra La La La La
Irish has a great sense of positivity, even when she's feeling down, sick, or having a bad day. She's very cheerful, and humorous. This isn't a hard, intense boot camp, this is a place to connect with people and relate. She has a personality that shines, and because of that, her journal is usually always on the top and I always enjoy reading her entries! - Tetemcg's "Love My Hubby... But Would Love To Turn A Head or Two Again...
Tete is a beautiful woman, inside and out. She's working hard to reach her goals, and from the very beginning she's proven to be an inspiration. It must be hard to be a mother, wife, on top of everything else, and trying to get into a healthy lifestyle. Most of us result to quick and easy meals, and can't find time for exercise, but she's like superwoman. Such a motivation! - Frogged's Lily Pad
Not only has he lost over one-hundred pounds, but he's still going. It takes incredible determination, motivation, and willpower to drive yourself toward your goal. A lot of people pick up a diet, or an exercise regimen and stop after two weeks. There are days when I just want to give up, but then I see people like Frogged giving it their best, and I know I can keep going. He's insightful, friendly, and has given tips that have helped so much. I aspire to be so determined.
There are a lot of great journals. They're all fantastic, and motivating. This community is full of strength, and we support each other in a way that I couldn't do this without. I'm so glad that I came back.
Irishprincess
New member
Oh Loch, i cried when i read your very sweet comment. It just moved me to tears because i didnt expect that! i had a hard day at college and to read that kind piece of writing really moved me. Thanks so much for thinking that about me deary. You are so so so sweet
I feel all happy inside now!!Thanks so so much lovely, i really apprecaite it, you have brighted up my day
xxxAlso fair play for walking out of the Queue and not ordering anything in Mc Donalds!! I could never have done that, it much have taken so much willpower! So proud of you Loch! You are doing GREAT!! Keep it up sunshine xxxx
Frogged
New member
ACongrats on 20lb lost, Loch!
I can certainly see a difference between your before and current pic! So awesome!
Your resolve reminds me a lot of my own when first starting The painful memories of growing up, the resolve not to continue living miserably anymore. The regret felt from all the time lost. Yeah, that definitely sums up the beginning of my own journey. I'm excited for you because, with those motivating factors at your disposal, there is no question that you're going to be successful
Heck, you'll probably do better than me! Do you have a chart btw, Loch? Something you can update every week with your weekly numbers? I'd love to track other people's progress along with my own every Sunday
Also, thank you for the really sweet words about my little diary there Since I don't usually change up too many things, I don't update as often as I should. I guess it's only when I feel particularly good/bad that I type something, and I've been feeling sort of 'equaled out' I guess you could say. Not necessarily good, but not in a pit either. I'm just going along with the flow and doing my usual thing
Anyway, you're too kind! I just hope my regimen and results help others. Aside from being happy in life, that's all I ever wanted
You're doing great and your success definitely helps keep me inspired!
I can certainly see a difference between your before and current pic! So awesome!
Your resolve reminds me a lot of my own when first starting
The painful memories of growing up, the resolve not to continue living miserably anymore. The regret felt from all the time lost. Yeah, that definitely sums up the beginning of my own journey. I'm excited for you because, with those motivating factors at your disposal, there is no question that you're going to be successful Heck, you'll probably do better than me!
Do you have a chart btw, Loch? Something you can update every week with your weekly numbers? I'd love to track other people's progress along with my own every Sunday Also, thank you for the really sweet words about my little diary there
Since I don't usually change up too many things, I don't update as often as I should. I guess it's only when I feel particularly good/bad that I type something, and I've been feeling sort of 'equaled out' I guess you could say. Not necessarily good, but not in a pit either. I'm just going along with the flow and doing my usual thing Anyway, you're too kind! I just hope my regimen and results help others. Aside from being happy in life, that's all I ever wanted
You're doing great and your success definitely helps keep me inspired!
Loch
New member
AI just say it how it is ^^. I love reading other people's journey's, and your guys' are some of the best.
Chart? No, I just post here. I'm not sure where I would even start with a chart xD.
Today I had
Lean Cuisine chicken for 300
Carrots for 40
Pizza sub for 270
All dressed chips for 200
Banana for 100
Beef vegetable soup for 150
2x ham stick for 90
Total: 1150
Today I did
Slept in again
Total: --
Day 12 - What food plan do you normally follow each day?
Well, I sort of break it down. I first started at 1600 calories a day, and my LivingStrong account said I should bump down to 1500, but I decided to go for 1200. Now I split up my "meals". I'll have 400 calories for between when I wake up and when I leave for work. If I exercise, that means having a small (50 cal) snack, and then my "breakfast" when I get home. At work I have a few snacks which are 50-100 each. If I feel like it, I'll have a sub, and count that in (it's 250-270). Sometimes I'll have a small treat, like an ice cap or a doughnut, but I always count it into my calories and see what I have to work with. When I get home I'll try to only have 400 calories, sometimes I have a little more, especially if my mom decides to cook.
It's mostly just counting, and going on the fly. It's worked so far.
Chart? No, I just post here. I'm not sure where I would even start with a chart xD.
Today I had
Lean Cuisine chicken for 300
Carrots for 40
Pizza sub for 270
All dressed chips for 200
Banana for 100
Beef vegetable soup for 150
2x ham stick for 90
Total: 1150
Today I did
Slept in again
Total: --
Day 12 - What food plan do you normally follow each day?
Well, I sort of break it down. I first started at 1600 calories a day, and my LivingStrong account said I should bump down to 1500, but I decided to go for 1200. Now I split up my "meals". I'll have 400 calories for between when I wake up and when I leave for work. If I exercise, that means having a small (50 cal) snack, and then my "breakfast" when I get home. At work I have a few snacks which are 50-100 each. If I feel like it, I'll have a sub, and count that in (it's 250-270). Sometimes I'll have a small treat, like an ice cap or a doughnut, but I always count it into my calories and see what I have to work with. When I get home I'll try to only have 400 calories, sometimes I have a little more, especially if my mom decides to cook.
It's mostly just counting, and going on the fly. It's worked so far
.- Status