Step by step, day by day :D
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Delsid
New member
I've handed in my last assignment so I'm officially FREE!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!
Saturday was great food and exercise wise. Yesterday I did work for 12 hours (seriously hehe, soo productive on the last day
) then went running and then had an emotional conversation with D (my ex boyfriend) and came home and binged again BIG TIME, but I know EXACTLY why I did it and I'm going to make a conscious effort to slowly stop eating my emotions away and punishing myself. This HAS to happen. It won't happen straight away but I need to work on it because it really affects me. I just need to stay calm rather than feel hopeless.
I was thinking though, I never used to think of binging as a form of self-harm but it REALLY is (like I would think about people who cut themselves and think 'WHAT does that give you?', but the more conscious I am of my behaviours the more I can understand these guys, it's just another way to numb yourself up when things are not right and when you're feeling shitty about yourself)
So much heaviness in here lately. Really need some LIGHT FANTASTIC
I'm taking it easy this morning/afternoon. Then need to start sorting out the flat coz moving out on Wednesday and going to stay at my Kiwi friend's for a week. The emotional conversation yesterday was partly about that.I only have one week left in China and haven't really been spending any time with D, because frankly I'm finding it very uncomfortable for loads of reasons and he got upset that I'm staying with my friend rather than at his place for that week. Surely it would be waaaaay too messy. Relationships, eh.
It's a brand new week, let's make it fucking awesome
Saturday was great food and exercise wise. Yesterday I did work for 12 hours (seriously hehe, soo productive on the last day
) then went running and then had an emotional conversation with D (my ex boyfriend) and came home and binged again BIG TIME, but I know EXACTLY why I did it and I'm going to make a conscious effort to slowly stop eating my emotions away and punishing myself. This HAS to happen. It won't happen straight away but I need to work on it because it really affects me. I just need to stay calm rather than feel hopeless.I was thinking though, I never used to think of binging as a form of self-harm but it REALLY is (like I would think about people who cut themselves and think 'WHAT does that give you?', but the more conscious I am of my behaviours the more I can understand these guys, it's just another way to numb yourself up when things are not right and when you're feeling shitty about yourself)
So much heaviness in here lately. Really need some LIGHT FANTASTIC
I'm taking it easy this morning/afternoon. Then need to start sorting out the flat coz moving out on Wednesday and going to stay at my Kiwi friend's for a week. The emotional conversation yesterday was partly about that.I only have one week left in China and haven't really been spending any time with D, because frankly I'm finding it very uncomfortable for loads of reasons and he got upset that I'm staying with my friend rather than at his place for that week. Surely it would be waaaaay too messy. Relationships, eh.
It's a brand new week, let's make it fucking awesome
O dear, exes trying to make you hang on to the friendship... I hear bees! I completely agree with you on the self-harm thing. I´ll eat until the very thought of sticking another piece of food into my mouth makes my stomach lurch - that has nothing whatsoever to do with fueling my body.
I´m with you on the awesome week: enjoy your freedom! (Also: yay for the Pratchett reference )
I´m with you on the awesome week: enjoy your freedom! (Also: yay for the Pratchett reference
)
Delsid
New member
So today has been Awesome Day nr 1
I've only eaten when hungry (which wasn't that much to my surprise!), spent like 2 hours on Skype with a friend and I went for another run. Got caught in a massive thunderstorm and torrential rain, which was fun and it defo got rid of some of the humidity.
So... Friday was awful, Saturday good, yesterday was awful and today has been awesome. My body must be think WTF is going on?!
My favourite quote from The Beck Diet Solution so far:
'A: Most people eat when they are hungry.
B: No. Most people wait until their next meal to eat'
Hahah, it made me laugh coz that'd never actually occurred to me
I've only eaten when hungry (which wasn't that much to my surprise!), spent like 2 hours on Skype with a friend and I went for another run. Got caught in a massive thunderstorm and torrential rain, which was fun and it defo got rid of some of the humidity.
So... Friday was awful, Saturday good, yesterday was awful and today has been awesome. My body must be think WTF is going on?!
My favourite quote from The Beck Diet Solution so far:
'A: Most people eat when they are hungry.
B: No. Most people wait until their next meal to eat'
Hahah, it made me laugh coz that'd never actually occurred to me
AND TOMORROW (or is it today already for you?!?) WILL BE EVEN BETTER...no more "awful" days on your own expense darling?!?
First of all - CONGRATS ON COMPLETING ALL OF YOUR ASSIGNMENTS
Second of all - ELIMINATE PERMANENTLY ALL PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE THAT DON'T ADD ON MORE HAPPY DAYS, DO A 10 DAY DETOX CLEANSE OF ALL UNECESSARY STRESS FROM OTHERS.
Third of last (haha) - MAKE THESE LAST DAYS IN CHINA COUNT...START THE DAY SQUATING, DANCING, DOING 100 JUMPS (either all of the ones mentioned, or just pick 1, but do it)...MAKE SURE THE FOOD YOU ARE HAVING IS DELICIOUS...WHEN EATING THE NOT SO HEALTHY STUFF, SET BEFOREHAND THE AMOUNT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT...AFTER THAT, GIVE IT AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE, BUT DO NOT EAT...WORK FOR IT, IF YOU WANT MORE THEN YOU NEED TO "PAY FOR IT" - DO SQUATS/DANCE/100 JUMPS - AND ONLY THEN YOU CAN HAVE SOME MORE!! ;-)
All kidding aside, I am wishing you a week filled with MUCH MUCH HAPPINESS Delsid...we love having you here at the forum and I hope we will continue to see your progress and have you here once all the traveling begins!!
XOXOX
First of all - CONGRATS ON COMPLETING ALL OF YOUR ASSIGNMENTS
Second of all - ELIMINATE PERMANENTLY ALL PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE THAT DON'T ADD ON MORE HAPPY DAYS, DO A 10 DAY DETOX CLEANSE OF ALL UNECESSARY STRESS FROM OTHERS.
Third of last (haha) - MAKE THESE LAST DAYS IN CHINA COUNT...START THE DAY SQUATING, DANCING, DOING 100 JUMPS (either all of the ones mentioned, or just pick 1, but do it)...MAKE SURE THE FOOD YOU ARE HAVING IS DELICIOUS...WHEN EATING THE NOT SO HEALTHY STUFF, SET BEFOREHAND THE AMOUNT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT...AFTER THAT, GIVE IT AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE, BUT DO NOT EAT...WORK FOR IT, IF YOU WANT MORE THEN YOU NEED TO "PAY FOR IT" - DO SQUATS/DANCE/100 JUMPS - AND ONLY THEN YOU CAN HAVE SOME MORE!! ;-)
All kidding aside, I am wishing you a week filled with MUCH MUCH HAPPINESS Delsid...we love having you here at the forum and I hope we will continue to see your progress and have you here once all the traveling begins!!
XOXOX
Delsid
New member
Thank you guys!! I love this place so much!!
I wish I could say this week has been healthy ...but I feel as out of control around food as I did in Feb It's like I've done a massive circle. This time it lasted longer, granted, but this spell of stuffing my face on every possible occasion with junk has lasted now for two weeks I think, and I feel FAT and horrible and I don't know how to STOP. I need a clean slate but I don't know if I have the mental strength to start AGAIN. AAAAARGHHHHH.
I was meant to leave China with my head more sorted but it's NOT SORTED at all...
HOW DO I START again???
Going out for farewell dinner with my bosses in a moment. I'm not even hungry. I am going to exercise ALL my mental powers to eat just a little bit and very slowly as not to attract attention (I am more than capable of eating loads even when I'm not hungry). This is gonna be a pretend dinner.
I wish I could say this week has been healthy ...but I feel as out of control around food as I did in Feb
It's like I've done a massive circle. This time it lasted longer, granted, but this spell of stuffing my face on every possible occasion with junk has lasted now for two weeks I think, and I feel FAT and horrible and I don't know how to STOP. I need a clean slate but I don't know if I have the mental strength to start AGAIN. AAAAARGHHHHH.I was meant to leave China with my head more sorted but it's NOT SORTED at all...
HOW DO I START again???
Going out for farewell dinner with my bosses in a moment. I'm not even hungry. I am going to exercise ALL my mental powers to eat just a little bit and very slowly as not to attract attention (I am more than capable of eating loads even when I'm not hungry). This is gonna be a pretend dinner.
Delsid
New member
I want to assume a new identity (here is the Arya reference I was talking about a while back, LaMa over the series she's had to assume loads of different roles coz of all the shit that happened in her life and now she needs to assume the identity of NOONE long story hehe).
I want to be the person who eats healthily when out and in moderation when with other people (yesterday I had an ice cream sandwich followed by an ice cream in a cone AND I was picking at my friend's dessert.....WHAT the ACTUAL F*CK!!!!!, that's not everything, I also had 5 (!!!) slices of pizza at night, this REALLY needs to stop!!!). I want to eat mindfully and feel in control around food. I don't want food to take over my life. I want to be the person who exercises daily because I love my body and want to be healthy.
I'm going to go out now, try to have as little food as possible without offending them and then do some sort of exercise.
I'M NOT giving up!!!!
Maybe if I turn this new identity stuff into morning affirmations it might help? Because right now I have a minuscule of self belief. How do I make myself believe that I can do this?
over the series she's had to assume loads of different roles coz of all the shit that happened in her life and now she needs to assume the identity of NOONE long story hehe).I want to be the person who eats healthily when out and in moderation when with other people (yesterday I had an ice cream sandwich followed by an ice cream in a cone AND I was picking at my friend's dessert.....WHAT the ACTUAL F*CK!!!!!, that's not everything, I also had 5 (!!!) slices of pizza at night, this REALLY needs to stop!!!). I want to eat mindfully and feel in control around food. I don't want food to take over my life. I want to be the person who exercises daily because I love my body and want to be healthy.
I'm going to go out now, try to have as little food as possible without offending them and then do some sort of exercise.
I'M NOT giving up!!!!
Maybe if I turn this new identity stuff into morning affirmations it might help? Because right now I have a minuscule of self belief. How do I make myself believe that I can do this?
Maybe it's time to call on your inner Arya, then. Right now your brain probably isn't going to believe you when you say you can do this; it's going to remind you of the times it DIDN'T work. So you need to prepare yourself to talk back. Remind yourself of days you did it with ease, of meals you ate normal, healthy portions and were satisfied. You can do it because you already did it. You're not starting from scratch, you're building on what you did these past few months.
Cate
Long term member
Once again 
with everything LaMa said. You have to keep talking to yourself until you are convinced that you CAN do this. You can be that person. You ARE that person. You need to believe in yourself, honey. You must not give up. Sending you so much love & strength, xoxo Cate
with everything LaMa said. You have to keep talking to yourself until you are convinced that you CAN do this. You can be that person. You ARE that person. You need to believe in yourself, honey. You must not give up. Sending you so much love & strength, xoxo Cate
Delsid
New member
Thank you LaMa and Cate!! Your support means so much!
I'll be working on talking to myself until I believe I can do this.
I need to calm down.
A reality check, stepped on to the scale this morning and it showed 61.8kg. This is not a number I want to see. And if I continue to eat like I have been lately it's gonna go up. Duh. I feel best when I weigh 57-58.
Need to pull myself together.
I'll be working on talking to myself until I believe I can do this.
I need to calm down.
A reality check, stepped on to the scale this morning and it showed 61.8kg. This is not a number I want to see. And if I continue to eat like I have been lately it's gonna go up. Duh. I feel best when I weigh 57-58.
Need to pull myself together.
It may not be helpful but... it´s pretty awesome to be only 4 kg away from the weight you feel great at. You still have every right to work on yourself and to worry about not letting things get out of hand, of course, however: remember that you´re still in great shape.
Delsid
New member
Thanks LaMa! HUG!!!!!
Today I'm FINALLY in a better headspace!! Yay!! So good to be feeling happy again!!!!
I had to go shopping for a bikini today, it was a mission and a half but in the end I found ONE bikini top that actually fits! Then went into different shops (ones where you don't get followed by super eager shop assistants), tried on loads of clothes just for shits and giggles and ended up buying three tops. One of them has unicorns on it hahah I LOVE IT soo!
Then went for food (VERY HAPPY to say that I ordered good food and stopped when I was satisfied ---> WIN!!!) and was a novelty item for the waitresses. I think they took like 10 pictures with me sounds big headed but I think I was the highlight of their day haha (the restaurant was pretty dead and they all seemed bored out of their minds).
One reason why I'm feeling so happy is that there's no more pretending that me and D can be 'friends'. When I saw him last it was really quite lovely but that loveliness made me question whether leaving was the right decision (as it often does). Now, in my heart of hearts I KNOW it was the right decision, but when I momentarily slip back into that comfortable spot, I feel all over the place because I know that there are still some feelings there, for both of us. And obviously then come the questions of 'will I ever find someone again who will 'get' me like D?' and 'starting a new relationship is HARD work...' and they start whirling around my head and I lose the confidence in my decision. Today was really harsh in that way, as in it became clear to HIM that trying to be friends is way too messy and mindfucky and in a way that's a relief. Because it seems like HE finally realised it. By coming and going we just end up hurting each other more. We CAN feel very comfortable together, but at the end of the day I feel like I need to go my own way.
Today I'm FINALLY in a better headspace!! Yay!! So good to be feeling happy again!!!!
I had to go shopping for a bikini today, it was a mission and a half but in the end I found ONE bikini top that actually fits! Then went into different shops (ones where you don't get followed by super eager shop assistants), tried on loads of clothes just for shits and giggles and ended up buying three tops. One of them has unicorns on it hahah I LOVE IT soo!
Then went for food (VERY HAPPY to say that I ordered good food and stopped when I was satisfied ---> WIN!!!) and was a novelty item for the waitresses. I think they took like 10 pictures with me
sounds big headed but I think I was the highlight of their day haha (the restaurant was pretty dead and they all seemed bored out of their minds).One reason why I'm feeling so happy is that there's no more pretending that me and D can be 'friends'. When I saw him last it was really quite lovely but that loveliness made me question whether leaving was the right decision (as it often does). Now, in my heart of hearts I KNOW it was the right decision, but when I momentarily slip back into that comfortable spot, I feel all over the place because I know that there are still some feelings there, for both of us. And obviously then come the questions of 'will I ever find someone again who will 'get' me like D?' and 'starting a new relationship is HARD work...
' and they start whirling around my head and I lose the confidence in my decision. Today was really harsh in that way, as in it became clear to HIM that trying to be friends is way too messy and mindfucky and in a way that's a relief. Because it seems like HE finally realised it. By coming and going we just end up hurting each other more. We CAN feel very comfortable together, but at the end of the day I feel like I need to go my own way.
Cate
Long term member
Win, Win, Win
Love it. Love that you ate healthy food out, love that you feel happy, LOVE that you bought a bikini top AND a top with unicorns on it & that you have made a firm decision to let go of D. Honey, you are WINNING! xoxoDelsid,
Stopping by to wish you a week filled with lots and lots of smiles, healthy food choices, good doses of endorphins (ignited by awesome work-out sessions of course) and awesome days enjoying your last moments in China! You can do it all darling, as long as you believe in greatness and work hard for it, YOU WILL ACHIEVE!!!
Xoxox
Stopping by to wish you a week filled with lots and lots of smiles, healthy food choices, good doses of endorphins (ignited by awesome work-out sessions of course) and awesome days enjoying your last moments in China! You can do it all darling, as long as you believe in greatness and work hard for it, YOU WILL ACHIEVE!!!
Xoxox
Delsid
New member
Hello from Kuala Lumpur
Catching a flight to Indo soon. I'm happy to say that I've been making healthy food choices and generally feeling in control (reading Dr. Becks book has been really helpful! A Massive thanks to YOU LaMa!!) Been doing loads of walking too, so so far so good.
Stepped on the scale yesterday and it showed 60.7, amazing what a couple of days of not eating junk does to one's body. I wanted to have a 'final' number before I get to check my weight again in a months time. I'm determined to make good food choices and do some sort of exercise every day during my travels.
I'm sooo blooming excited for this trip!!
I wish this forum had an app! I'll try to keep posting from my phone though coz I love it here for oh so many reasons.
Be good, peeps!
Catching a flight to Indo soon. I'm happy to say that I've been making healthy food choices and generally feeling in control (reading Dr. Becks book has been really helpful! A Massive thanks to YOU LaMa!!) Been doing loads of walking too, so so far so good.
Stepped on the scale yesterday and it showed 60.7, amazing what a couple of days of not eating junk does to one's body. I wanted to have a 'final' number before I get to check my weight again in a months time. I'm determined to make good food choices and do some sort of exercise every day during my travels.
I'm sooo blooming excited for this trip!!
I wish this forum had an app! I'll try to keep posting from my phone though coz I love it here for oh so many reasons.
Be good, peeps!
Delsid
New member
Hello from Ubud, Bali It's too hot to eat haha, no seriously I've been trying to eat well whenever possible but been drinking more than usual so gonna try to cut down on the backpackers beers. Other than that I'm having an amazing time, cycled around 30k today and it was so lovely to get out of the tourist areas and see more of the local life. And one thing for sure, when Indonesian people smile they light up the room!
It's too hot to eat haha, no seriously I've been trying to eat well whenever possible but been drinking more than usual so gonna try to cut down on the backpackers beers. Other than that I'm having an amazing time, cycled around 30k today and it was so lovely to get out of the tourist areas and see more of the local life. And one thing for sure, when Indonesian people smile they light up the room!- Status