Smarty's Diary for Sweating

Job Interview

My biggest worry about this job interview tomorrow is not that they wont hire me but that they WILL hire me, they will negotiate to pay me too little money, and also turn out to be assholes and I'll be trapped in a horrible job that I hate. Or that they turn out to be really weird and incomprehensible, with difficult to read expressions, so that I'm always confused about what they want. All of these things happened to me at my last job and it really scarred me. God I hate people.

:gnorsi:
 
Job Interview

I met up with Molly, a very nice young lawyer about my age who seemed nervous about conducting an interview and after a few minutes of talking I knew this wasn't the right fit, not because I didnt like her or couldnt relate to her as is the case with some interviewers but because I was not experienced enough to help this two lawyer tiny office. I as much as told her so and she was grateful for my honesty and I left feeling relieved that I wouldn't have to struggle to keep up with a high workload with too little experience under my belt to give me the confidence or skills to stand on. We both left on good terms. :waving: I felt good because despite my mother's efforts to hijack my wardrobe, making me try things on all weekend saying "No thats not quite right" or "those two colors of black dont match the right way" I ended up wearing my original outfit - a skirt suit with a black top underneath, black stockings and my favorite pair of black "Ivanka" pumps (so named because I copied a pair like she had and found a pair simlar to them at Macys) that have just been repaired because the heels were so worn down with use. I felt pretty after putting on makeup fixing my hair and putting in pretty hair clips and a simple necklace on. I felt confident that I could accurately assess whether a firm was a good fit for me. Yesterday I was so terrified of this moment afraid I would cave in to something bad for me or let myself be manipulated into a bad deal, but I stood firm and made the right choice without anger, snobbery, rejection or bad will. This is a great skil and I am very proud of myself in trusting my instinct and not being afraid of judgment. And what do you know, nobody judged me, and nobody made me feel bad or stupid. Life is good when you trust your self.

I bought a new book called Honey I Wrecked The Kids from the Parenting Section of the Bookstore so I can find new words to understand why my parents screwed me up so bad and how I can help them to understand why what they did upset me and hurt me so much. And if you feel an inclination to say, your parents will never change and the desire to make them feel guilty is immature, I know all this, but I don't care. If you didn't grow up ni the circus slash soap opera that I did, you don't know and you are only going to incite my rage by trying to pretend that you do. So thanks in advance to not trying to speak to this issue unless you have bona fide chaps and experience with it. I know, I look so clean cut in all my photos, but I'm a bitching, raging, mean unhappy depressed and lately suicidal person. I hope that this admission doesnt make you uncomfortable but if it does and you dont visit me on my page any more I guess thats fine . I just have to do whats right for me though. I dont have a therapist yet - She called me back and said make an appointment at this number. And I have to do that before I can get started so when I get my therapist this page will go back to being more about food and exercise as per everyone else. However this is my path and my journey and at least maybe it will help someone else in a similar position to know, you are not alone, even if you're totally and completely fucked. Nothing I can do about that.

Well I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, Anything Else, a Woody Allen movie, what else? The King of Paranoia and Depression says:

Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks...” But they *can't* help you, Falk, because life is what it is.

My mother thinks shrinks are gods and of course, why listen to your child when you an pay someone else to do it for you? And blame the kid instead of yourself? Ka-ching!

Oh, wait here's another:
David Dobel: I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.

That is exactly what my mother sounds like. When I was a child and would say, The children were meanto me or my sister was mean to me she had one of two responses: well we need to talk to a shrink about what you're doing then or just because she said it doesnt mean its true, which I take to mean I'm too tired to deal with this, I didnt sign up for this, I'm not spending time to help you with this. Let someone else do it, you can be put on drugs, but I dont have time to really listen to you.
 
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Canadians have it.

Alyson Schafer wrote Honey I Wrecked The Kids.

The four "C"s that everyone needs are:
CONNECTED : I need to believe I am accepted and that I belong.
CAPABLE: I need to believe I can do it! That I am competent and I can manage.
COUNTED: I need to believe I count for something, that my contributions make a difference.
COURAGEOUS: I need to believe I can handle what comes.

Deficiency in the 4 Cs is problematic.
-I dont feel I am accepted or belong.
-I dont feel I am capable.
-I dont feel I count or have any value.
-I dont feel courageous, I cant manage lifes problems.

"A person who feels isolated powerless worthless and fearful is fraught with feelings of inferiority. . . Its in the struggle to overcome these feeling and percieved defiienceis that people conduct themselves negatively, aggressively and generally very different ways than the "C positive" people who feel connected, capable, counted and courageous. Lacking in any of the 4 Crucial Cs results in feelings of discouragement, and misbehavior is always the result of feeling discouraged."

What is misbehavior?
"Misbehavior is a misnomer.. . is a term that is exclusively adult-to-child language and it is tied to the way in which adults have traditionally viewed children" BUT "Misbehavior is really just a mistaken approach".

like this guy: :willy_nilly:
 
Today is my Dads birthday. I paid 35 dollars for a cake with all organic ingredients and writing but I didnt go pick it up because my dad and I got into a fight yesterday. He picked a fight with me. I dont know what to do.
 
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Questions I hate the most:

Do you really need to...?
But Dont you want to...?

Yes, fucker.
No fucker.

Also why my dad is always trying to discourage me. I wanted to study environmental science and he said oh well the only people who are successful are the ones with PhDs (read: you will never be smart enough to get a PhD). If you're going to do this whole saving the world thing, do it as a lawyer.


Well I decided I am not going to law school, I dont want to work as a paralegal either and I am going to do what I want to whch is going to school at Monterey Bay for Hydrogeology after which I will work for the gov't of Portland's watershed management.

I hate my Dad.
 
At my parents house in fLORIDA with my dog. its ok. for the first week i slept all day and stayed up all night reading and watching movies. job interview tomorrow. if i dont get that i'll go back home. *&*. Trying to be positive.

Its working alittle bit.
 
Books I've read recently that were enjoyable:

HIGH FIDELITY BY NICK HORNBY (glad i saw the movie a couple times already - i couldnt picture anyone but John Cusack as Rob or anyone but Jack Black as Barry and that Moby looking guy did a pretty good job as Dick. Also CZJ as Charlie worked well and whoever played Laura except in the book she has darker hair and a stronger sense of self it seems like).

THINGS I OVERHEARD WHILE TALKING TO MYSELF BY ALAN ALDA (sort of nostalgic bittersweet and funny)

Right now I am reading a book called EMPIRE FALLS BY RICHARD RUSSO
So far I like it, its ok.
 
DECISIONS I HAVE MADE FOR SURE:

Law School is out.
Despite having sat for the exam (LSAT) and a decent solid score, I have had many 'arrows' pointing me in the NO direction.

So despite my big dislike for standardized testing I am now studying for the GRE.
I am focusing most of my energy on the MATH bit since I feel like thats a learned skill that can be improved whereas our VERBAL and language skills are probably quite subjective and not easily changed. ANYhow, hopefully I can get a decent score and get into a school for hydrogeology where I would learn to be a technician basically testing water and whatnot.

Okay bye.
Ashley
 
:waving:Hi Ashley,

You must be a fast reader - it would take me a year to read one of those books! You seem like a very educated and smart girl. My dad also didn't like my choices for school and eventually got over it. It's your life so do something you will enjoy. Not that I enjoy sitting at a desk all day but the pay is so good I can't complain.
I find if I'm frustrated, feeling crappy or just down in the dumps a work out cheers me up - and the high from it afterwards keeps me going and wanting more.
I think if you posted more about weight loss you would have more visitors as most people on this forum are looking for ideas of what works and what doesn't but I understand you are going through something more right now where you don't want to concentrate on the weight loss and that is fine - you just might not have as many comments, and you might be fine with that - just thought I'd point it out. I still enjoy reading so keep on posting and I wish you all the best. take care.
 
Thanks for your kind words and yeah, that makes sense. I really havent been working out much, and need to. For right now I've been focusing on walking my dog for longer walks so that seems to help. I tend to get myself all worked up about going to the gym as if it will make me skinny by friday! but i know thats unrealistic so I'm trying to keep my goals practical.
Thanks again, it really helps me to stay positive. I really appreciate your stopping by CB!! :D.

Next book I want to remember to put on my reading list:
THE STONE DIARIES by Carol Shields
THis won the pulitzer in 1995 and its about making your life meaningful even if nobody else realizes it. I think. I havent read it yet!! Its a vignette I think about life in the suburbs, told by a woman's perspective on how others tried to make her feel small but didnt suceed in ruining her life.
 
A dream.

I would love to add this blurb to the list of colleges on my myspace page.
The next two are other big dreams of mine.

California State University at Monterey Bay
Seaside, CA
Student status: Current
Major: Hydrogeology
Clubs: Kayaking

Own my own two story townhouse free and clear with only property taxes to pay.

Personal Chef? *Yeah right, keep wishing keep dreaming!*
Ooh marry a man who can cook. Hmm. Perhaps.
 
I have been eating dolphin safe tuna fish a lot recently because it helps me sleep. I finally feel calm and full.

Tonight however I decided to make some canned New England Clam Chowder soup. Also an English muffin, toasted.

Also, I always keep the following on hand in my fridge: Green grapes, blueberries, strawberries and blackberries. They are so tasty and I Feel like even if I eat two a day (literally, two pieces), they are giving my body the trace elements of nutrients it so desperately needs to heal my body and fight off disease. I also like to keep canned pineapple rings in the cubboard. If it werent for the fact that I regularly eat small amounts of highly nutritious foods to complement the ridiculous amount of junk food and soda I take in, I'd probably weigh a lot more than I do. Dank sei gott, knock on wood. Although, my "next up" sister told me that I always go into exercise mode when I start getting too big, so maybe thats how I curb it off. I find it highly disturbing to be outside my BMI even if I have been 30 pounds overweight for ten years, at least i'm not outside my BMI. Also it drives me nutty when I notice my face getting fat. I can handle just about anything else but not my face! I am so vain. Ha. Anyways, since I am on the outskirts of my BMI right now, I have been trying to walk the dog for longer to help. It helps that my parents house in Florida is a vertical type house and has a lot of stairs that I'm always going up and down.

Well in keeping with trying to be more like the other bloggers on here, here is my food intake. I will try to keep a more regular log of eating and exercising this week. Here goes:


Dinner ~ 450 calories
New ENgland Clam Chowder Soup
English Muffin
Blackberries
Cold Water

Exercise:
Walked the dog 2x.
Walked along the beach for three stations and went back. (20 min total?)

Calories
2 slices Pineapple, can - 60
Blackberries, 1 cup - 75
Tuna Fish - 175
Soup can - 275
English Muffin - 120
(compare to a BAGEL which is 310!!!)
 
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Job interview today. . . could have gone either way. It was at Urban Outiftters.
This was a group interview, and I think I handled it okay, except wonder did i smile enough, was i too nervous? I tried to appear cool and happy and calm but I was a little nervous. I tried to be personable but honest. Oh boy.
I then had to go home and fill out a survey. I was one of the first groups and they are holding interviews from 2-7,meaning 5 hours worth of people. I mean, they can't really be planning to hire that many of us for just one store, so it seems like pretty stiff competition. I'm worried. Why am I so worried? I want independence from my parents, I want to be picked, to be accepted, I don't want to be a failure. I will wonder was i too fat? did they look at me and think, Bad skin? I tried to hide my blemishes with a lot of makeup but you can still tell they are there. I think I looked pretty nice and spent a lot of time on my hair makeup and clothes but who knows.

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I took my dog on the beach today and we ran all around. He saw the Ocean for the First time! He was surprised that it came back to "chase" him! And it was so funny, his reaction, like, okay I'm ready now, come chase me!
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Breakfast: Coffe mocha, grande (Starbucks). :piggy: Chocolate croissant (not worth it,didnt taste great).
Mid-Breakfast: One whole orange, very cold.
Lunch: Alfredo sauce on pasta with shrimp, not very good, didnt eat most of it. Ginger Ale x 2.
Dinner: Popcorn x 3 or 4

Exercise:
Walked to third or fourth station on beach, plus a little bit of running around with the Dog.
Ten minutes of BIKE (stationary)
Ten minutes of ELLIPTICAL.



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Oh boy, somethings going on. I had a huge Binge this morning.

Breakfast: One tall 16 oz glass of SILK vanilla soy milk
PB&J Sandwich on Italian Bread
1 strawberry
Diet Coke - 12 0z
1 CAN TUNA FISH
1 Bowl of Lucky CHarms with Milk

BM
Lunch: Popcorn
1 can ginerale
Dinner:

Exercise:
Walked on beach to 16th Lifeguard Station & back. Colors: __I forget._____
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Also:
I had crazy mf dreams last night. I often do but I remember a lot of them today for some reason, which leaves me wondering, did I have more, or I am going insane. They were neither warm nor ominous, but somewhere in between.

Often I was part of a group of people entangled in unhappy romances or trying to get on with someone new, but weird circiumstances (like people turning into the ice in an ice tray with velcro attached. The people/cubes had ropey brown doll hair and felt lips and clothes, bright red) kept happening. Once I was a girl sneaking to get married to a boy but it turned out to be a joke on our parents orchestrated by the two of us plus our third best friend, another girl. We were only13 or 14 years old. I rode there on my horse, who I decorated with flowers that I sewed onto his saddle. Also I was part of a group of 20somethings who were caught trying to rob a house but it all started out as in heres what to do if you ever are being chased, turn into this driveway here...yeah craziness ensued. It always seems to happen. Probably part of it is because of what I'm reading - Empire Falls has teenagers and adults dealing with romance and trying to make a living in a small town, with lots of twists and turns. Sometimes it shocks me though, the intensity of weird things my mind can come up with in a dream. And the colors are often very vivid. Sometimes I wake up sore and feel as though my dream kicked my ass, I actually was there and came back. I don't really believe this, but it's interesting to think about. Naturally the real reason I'm sore is because I worked out at the gym for the first time in ages yesterday.
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Hey Ashley,
Looks like you are doing good this week. I don't think you binged too much yesterday morning - if you add up all the cals I'm sure you can't be over by much.
I'm so jealous of you being in Florida and by the ocean - that must be so nice and peaceful. I like the story about your dog - it made me laugh because I can totally picture it.
I've been eating more tuna lately too, it's only 3 WW points for a full can in water drained - I think that's pretty good considering I'm allowed 21 points a day.
About the job interview I am crossing my fingers for you. I wouldn't worry too much about it, you will find something soon - I imagine it's harder to find a job right now because everyone is looking - it's that way where I live anyway, I think our unemployment is at it's highest and you are really lucky to have a job. I don't like Urban Outiftters myself because they don't sell XL - I went in there one day and asked for an XL in something and they all laughed at me and said they didn't carry any XL's so I left and have never gone back - might be able to soon but I don't know if I will.
You are lucky to have your parents for back up while not having a job - a friend of mine recently lost her job and only has her mom who also works a part time job (and single room apartment) and can't help her out - she might lose her car and apartment - I told her to move in with me but we have a cat and she is really allergic - I know my parents would help me out too if I needed it and feel really bad for her not having any family that is fortunate enough to help out. She has been to several job interviews but everyone in the city is in the same boat - applying for everything out there.
Anyway sorry to write a novel - oh ya you like reading and are really fast!
Take care and keep it up.
 
Hey Ash,

Don't you love that soe muscle feeling (as long as they aren't too sore of course). I like the feeling of a good workout.

What vivid dreams. When mine are like that its becuse there is alot happening in my life and my mind is processing.

That sounds like a huge job interview process. Maybe I'm crazy but why interview so many people if there aren't that many jobs? Anyways I hope they offer it to you so you can make the decision about whether you want it of not. I walked my dog at the beach today too. She loves it so much, but its a bit of a drive from my place.

I'm off for the weekend, catch you next week.

Ana
 
Hey girl! Dont stress over the binge.. it happens! over than the lucky charms the foods you had were not terrible.

Best of luck on the job interivew! Hope you blow them away and they hire ya! :)

keep up the good work with the exercise and watching what you eat! You will be at your goal in no time!! :)


thanks for stopping by my journal the other day... that was very motivational and i very VERY much appreciate it.... been down lately.


take care and ill promise to be back to chat more often now... gotta get outta this funk!!
 
Hi guys, you are so awesome for stopping by again to cheer me up.
I think I am getting out of my funk! I am trying to be goal oriented and occupy myself with positive things. Going to the bookstore was a great idea because I found some great fiction like I said before. Also, it's really great being by the beach, you're right. !! :D. I know, Lucky Charms ... they're just irresistable! Remember that commercial from when we were younger for TRIX? Silly rabbit, trix is for kids! I feel like saying, silly ashley, lucky charms is for kids! :D.
Anyways, I know what you mean about jobs, they are hard to find.

Ana b. - I know what you mean, you're right about the dreams, they DO tend to appear when your life is all jumbled up. Thanks for hoping for me about the job. That's a good point, it makes me feel better - maybe they have some openings at the other stores nearby? I did have an awesome dream a few days ago, where I had the hottest boyfriend ever and he was crazy about me and it was just a warm happy dream. I rarely have those, so that was reallllly cool. I was like, yes! for once, I win! ha ha ha.

CB- ugh, what jerks! I cant believe that happened at UO. So maybe I dont want to work there after all!! I am looking at the Cheesecake Factory tomorrow I will go in and apply. Also there are a few legal secretary openings that dont require experience over a year so I will apply there too. Yeah I guess eventually something will open up - being there at the "right time" and all. You're right, I am lucky that I can fall back on my parents. I do wish however that I had been wiser in my past choices so that I wouldn't have had to. Oh well.

M- Hi girl, thanks for stopping by, glad I was able to motivate ya a little!

Well I washed my hair today and it's softening up a little bit, not sure if its the FL water or just that its growing in and finding its shape (a weird way to talk about hair, but I dont know the lingo). So thats kind of nice. I am planning my HALLOWEEN costume (Oct 31 - CB do Canadians celebrate this?) I am going as a FLAPPER girl! I already got the headband with a white feather, white gloves and a faux pearl strand necklace. I will wear a simple shift dress and voila! all done.

Also got some Halloween candy but put it in a decorative bowl so have been good about not eating it.

Today's Meals
Breakfast:
Lucky Charms again! uh oh.
Water NOT SODA!!!!!

BM
Brunch: One cold orange (they taste better cold for some reason)
Popcorn (cant stop)

Lunch:
1 can tuna
2 helpings edamame beans
2 slices bread and butter
Tootsie roll
some gobstoppers (like sweetarts, basically all sugar candy)

Dinner:
Ravioli from whole foods with butternut squash
Berries
Water
Gingerale (12 oz)

Brownies for desert. :troll:

SONG OF THE DAY: DONT STOP. BELIEVVVVING - Journey OH YEAH, YOU LOVE IT. ;)

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I think I need to rev up the protein...do you guys agree?
 
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How'd it go at the Cheesecake factory? Getting excited for Halloween? I'm not buying Halloween candy for the kids until Saturday because I know I will eat it if it's in the house. Your costume sounds cute - will you post a pic? I think I might. Hope your doing good. :seeya:
 
Hey girl, thanks I've been snacking on halloween candy all week, so bad.
BUt yeah the Cheesecake Factory interview did not go over, since I came at the wrong time, but I got an interview at a second Urban Outfitters where the girl seemed really chill and laid back and she was kind enough to give my application straight to her manager, bypassing the "cattle call" group interview process so maybe they'll call me in for an interview. That store is at a mall in a more neighborhood like place called Aventura, and I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for more opportunities. I thought about applying to Starbucks, but working in a coffee shop means people in a hurry all day long, and coming home with coffee grinds all over your clothes, plus a pretty lame dress code. I hate dress codes, part of the reason why I want to work at a store like urban, where I pretty much dress like that anyways - jeans and a tunic with flats and a chunky sweater with funky nail polish and accessories. Anyways, I'm only writing to update my recent exercise which has been very short and infrequent walks with my dog and a bit of swimming in the ocean which hardly qualifies. I dont really like working out, but would be inclined to go on long walks in mtns or along the beach. I just havent been getting up early enough to get out at 7, which is when you can get away with walking your dog on the beach, before the lifeguards come out around 8 or 9am.
 
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