Rob's Diary

[Makaren]

You have this routine down. I hope your days smooth out for you because you are doing a fantastic job here.

 

[bensanon]

You have this routine down. I hope your days smooth out for you because you are doing a fantastic job here.

Thanks for your comment, Makaren. I put a lot of effort into healthy food and exercise and tracking. The mental piece is the most difficult. I've been through a lot the past several years so I try to be patient with myself about it.

 

[Marsia]

I feel like that, too, that the mental part is definitely the hardest. People who don't need to lose weight often say it's just about eating the right foods and exercising, but if food becomes a comfort, that is way easier said than done, and I think that is what diet plans don't cover and why so many people put the weight back on. I think most of us need to find different ways than comfort food to address stress and frustration that are inherent in life. And I think you are doing very well with that, too!

 

[bensanon]

I feel like that, too, that the mental part is definitely the hardest. People who don't need to lose weight often say it's just about eating the right foods and exercising, but if food becomes a comfort, that is way easier said than done, and I think that is what diet plans don't cover and why so many people put the weight back on. I think most of us need to find different ways than comfort food to address stress and frustration that are inherent in life. And I think you are doing very well with that, too!

Have you heard of Noom?

 

[bensanon]

7-29-19 (night before) sleep: 6hr 36min

7-29-19 weight: 206.6

7-29-19 breakfast:
- Greek yogurt with blueberries and banana
- 2 eggs
- vitamins
- 20oz Starbucks coffee
- 16oz coffee from restaurant
Total kcal: 428

7-29-19 lunch:
- sausage patty
- grilled seasoned chicken breasts
- fried egg in tsp olive oil
- salad (mix from store) kale, broccoli, green cabbage, Brussels sprouts, green bell pepper, chicory, dried cranberries, sugar, pumpkin seeds, canola oil with roasted red pepper dressing
- 1 serving pistachios
Total kcal: 812

7-29-19 snacks:
- 16oz coffee from restaurant
- flax raisin bran with almond milk
- seasoned grilled chicken in sprouted bread tortilla
- pistachios
- chocolate sea salt protein bar
Total kcal: 1080

7-29-19 dinner:
- 3 servings Doritos
- chips and roasted salsa from restaurant
- grilled shrimp taco on soft flour tortilla with bacon, avocado, feta, pico de gallo, sriracha lime sauce, and shredded cheese
- ground beef taco on hard shell corn tortilla with garlic sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, shredded cheese, cilantro, and feta
- sushi roll - salmon, cream cheese, jalapeño, tempura fried, scallion, masago, eel sauce, spicy mayo
- sushi roll - crab stick, ebi, cilantro, cucumber, yellowtail, avocado, ginger sauce
Total kcal: 3302

7-29-19 total kcal consumed: 5,622

7-29-19 total protein consumed: 295g (20%)

7-29-19 exercise:
- 1.5 miles incline walking, 3.65 mph speed, 248 feet climbed

7-29-19 total steps: 8,441

7-29-19 Fitbit total kcal burned: 2,721

Well today was problematic. I'm logging no matter what though so sorry to anyone who's reading if the food or the calories are triggering!

Today things came to a head. I think it's been a combination of the coffee, the psychology of closing in on the last 20 pounds, and getting myself caught in an exercise-overeating cycle. Coffee was the biggest culprit. Thoughts of wanting to be done and thinking the coffee would help are what started it. I was getting angry and agitated on it though. I am still super sensitive to coffee since getting off the medication and apparently even more so since I started eating much better. I will quit tomorrow and hope that I don't have too difficult a withdrawal since I've only been drinking it for 9 days now. I will have a little to wean myself off if it's too bothersome.

This is a typical binge for me from the past though and I went right back to it tonight. I mostly avoided refined sugar so that should save me from a wicked hangover tomorrow morning although I'm sure I'll be punchy from all the carbs. I will sleep well I'm sure.

It's really hard to get on top of these behaviors and patterns and it will not happen in only a matter of months. It's been going on for years so I fully expect it will take years for it to die out. I am aware but I will not beat myself up over it day to day. I'm telling myself that and anyone else who would try to draw conclusions based on only the small sample of my logging. Problems and solutions are much wider. It is the worst feeling to constantly nag and obsess over it day to day so please keep any of those types of comments to yourself if you're going to post. Any other type of comment is welcome. One thing I respect about Matt's logging is that he puts it all there even if it's not so good. I don't think he has the same issues I do but it's good to see how he moves forward anyway.

I will try to climb back on the horse tomorrow.

 

[Marsia]

Hi Rob! I really know where you are coming from with wanting to be done. I have been dieting for over a year now and figuring out how to make this sustainable over the long run while I am at it, and it is very hard to keep going some days. Other days I am so grateful for not walking around with brain fog, and I get happy that I have a waist again and that I dropped 20% of my weight! Please don't forget to celebrate all the milestones and all the dedication to your health and well being - it is very wonderful what you have done!!! I really don't know of any scientific reason that the last 20 pounds are so hard, but every freakin time I lose weight, the last 20 pounds are by far the hardest - my body just does not want to let go of the extra cushion - maybe it thinks I need it in case of an extra hard winter. Whatever the reason, I know that there are a bunch of us that understand completely and are right there with you!

I have seen commercials for Noom and it looks good but expensive.

 

[Llama]

Well today was problematic. I'm logging no matter what though so sorry to anyone who's reading if the food or the calories are triggering!

Don't be: what's the use of logging if you were to only log the stuff you're proud of?

It's been going on for years so I fully expect it will take years for it to die out.

Sounds sensible and I'm glad you're being kind to yourself. We can't hate ourselves into someone we could love.

 

[Cate]

None of us is in any position to judge anyone else. We all have our issues I think when we get close to our goal weight. It took me a long time to gain my weight & it takes a lot of re-thinking to change those long-term habits & constant adjustments to how I saw myself as I went. I still really struggle with it. I think you are doing really well & I admire your honesty & openness. I'm glad you are being so kind to yourself. It is so important not to beat ourselves up.

 

[bensanon]

OK. Yesterday I did fine but I did not do well again tonight. I'm not going to post details because I'm embarrassed and I don't need any comments on them but I'm tracking them and keeping them for myself. After I make it through this setback and go on to lose the weight, I might post the numbers. I'm not sure how long it will take though.

I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. I tried to rest yesterday and today but it doesn't seem like it's enough. I haven't had any coffee so that's good as I think it played a big part. When it's gotten to this point in the past, it's about getting it out of my system and to the point of a reset. I have to get through the fatigue and to a place of clarify and perspective before I can start again.

 

[bensanon]

I have seen commercials for Noom and it looks good but expensive.

I tried it for a couple months and it deals a little bit with the psychology of weight loss. That aspect I thought was good. Common hang ups are addressed and they give you tips on how to think about and what to do about them.

 

[Marsia]

Getting off caffeine is hard. I think it's good to not pressure yourself to lose weight while going through caffeine withdrawal. I'm glad Noom helped with the psychological aspects. Did you quit because of cost or was it too generic in the advice they gave? I hope you get well rested and don't worry too much about a few days of being off track!! Hugs!

 

[alligatorob]

OK. Yesterday I did fine but I did not do well again tonight. I'm not going to post details because I'm embarrassed and I don't need any comments on them but I'm tracking them and keeping them for myself.

Hey Rob, you only need to post what you want to post here. I am impressed that you keep posting, that is for the best.

And you never need to be embarrassed by anything here, I can guarantee you that all of us have done worse.

Keep in mind that you have made great progress and are getting close to your goal weight, that's an inspiration to me, and reading about your struggles helps me understand how things work. I hope one day to get to where you are right now.

Caffeine is probably one of the most powerful addictions, getting off it is tough. Good luck with that!

 

[Llama]

When it's gotten to this point in the past, it's about getting it out of my system and to the point of a reset. I have to get through the fatigue and to a place of clarify and perspective before I can start again.

Knowing those things about yourself can really help to stay kind to yourself. Have a hug and stick around: I´m sure you´ll be zipping along again before we know it.

 

[bensanon]

I felt really good this morning despite eating crap food last night. I slept well and I feel rested. I’m craving more crap food though. I don’t know how to achieve a balance and I’m addicted to the crap food. Maybe that’s why I feel so good this morning - because I got my fix - although I felt terrible Monday night and all day Tuesday after that binge. I’m confused. The coffee withdrawal is probably at play too. I feel much better right now than I have at most times (other than after I finish running) throughout this diet.

 

[bensanon]

Getting off caffeine is hard. I think it's good to not pressure yourself to lose weight while going through caffeine withdrawal. I'm glad Noom helped with the psychological aspects. Did you quit because of cost or was it too generic in the advice they gave? I hope you get well rested and don't worry too much about a few days of being off track!! Hugs!

There wasn’t much discussion of exercise and they pushed large volume, less calorie dense foods (lots and lots of greens and fruit) with a color coding system. The information though and the social aspect were helpful but it didn’t really justify the price for me.

Hey Rob, you only need to post what you want to post here. I am impressed that you keep posting, that is for the best.

And you never need to be embarrassed by anything here, I can guarantee you that all of us have done worse.

Keep in mind that you have made great progress and are getting close to your goal weight, that's an inspiration to me, and reading about your struggles helps me understand how things work. I hope one day to get to where you are right now.

Caffeine is probably one of the most powerful addictions, getting off it is tough. Good luck with that!

Thanks, Rob. You’re right I have made great progress so I hope I can pick it back up quickly and not let it derail me too much.

Knowing those things about yourself can really help to stay kind to yourself. Have a hug and stick around: I´m sure you´ll be zipping along again before we know it.

Hope so!

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Rob, thanks for stopping by my diary, I appreciate it.

I remember when I was around that weight, that was when I started to notice feeling healthier. Sleep was a little better and clothes were a little more comfortable. I wasn't as hot. If you notice things like that you might try to hold on to them and use them for motivation in the more difficult moments. It does get better as you keep dropping.

Yes, I think that is happening, I am feeling a little more energetic, I do feel better. Big change in my clothes, I have been going to some of my old smaller clothes, when I wear the bigger things they are real baggy. I like your suggestion that I remember this for motivation when I need it, and I do need it from time to time.

 

[bensanon]

Had another day off the wagon but managed to get to the gym and enjoyed a good run. I am climbing back on the wagon tomorrow. I’ve picked up a few things about myself on this plan over these past three days. I was being entirely too rigid with my diet and exercise routine. At the gym, I would do the exact same things for a warm up, run, stretch, etc. And my diet is really narrow and repetitious and I need to expand and vary it. I was afraid of changing much, just holding on and trying to go faster. I had tunnel vision. The break and ironically eating a bunch of high calorie food has given me a different perspective, one my body ultimately commanded me to take. This is classic for me and is characteristic of an “addictive personality”. I will try and try to do things the hard way and will stubbornly grunt through it solo. I’ll keep banging my head against the wall until something gives which usually ends up being me and then I have to rearrange myself and start again. The time between logjams and subsequent wave crashes is increasing however as my health improves.

I also learned that my resting heart rate will shoot right up if I’m not maintaining a healthy diet.

 

[aiminglow]

This all sounds really good, Rob - not your heart rate shooting up, but you learning so much about what suits your body and your personality, and getting a new perspective on how to go about things.
Cheers for getting back on the wagon, and all the best for tomorrow - one day at a time!

 

[Llama]

So good to hear that! And praise to your body for communicating its needs as best as it could.

 

[Cate]

with what both Amy & LaMa said.
I think I have an all or nothing mentality & learning to not put so much pressure on myself & to set realistic goals will help me to get where I want to be. It seems that you are becoming more in tune with what your body needs, rather than what your brain says you want. That's good. Whenever I eat crap I really feel like crap. It has taken me years to stop craving it, but I can honestly say that I no longer do. I do think you are doing well, Rob.