Rob's Diary
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So far this year I've avoided junk food. No low quality fats or super refined sugars. The worst I've had are Swiss cheese and 100% orange juice.
I have overeaten however but it's been spread out throughout the day. During binges I would eat the junk food all at once. This is great progress but I think it'll take a little while until I get used to it. Once I'm firmly past the junk, I'll try to slowly reduce my calories. It's primarily psychological but it'll be VERY important to give myself time to adjust. I'm hoping I'll just start eating less and less as my body gets more than enough of the nutrients it needs.
I'm gaining weight. The running is not enough to counter. I'd run more but my leg injury is stopping me. I didn't run this past weekend but today I went 4 miles. I can feel the original knee pain returning. It's come on as I've increased my mileage. That might indicate it's more piriformis related than discogenic. We wouldn't be able to see any piriformis problems in the MRI I had. I did spend a few more hours trying to read those results and I'm not sure there's a major problem. I wouldn't be surprised however if my doctor spots one or more problems that could be causing the pain. I can see my discs and they look slightly herniated and the fluid is dark when it should be light indicating there's quite a bit of degeneration.
I have overeaten however but it's been spread out throughout the day. During binges I would eat the junk food all at once. This is great progress but I think it'll take a little while until I get used to it. Once I'm firmly past the junk, I'll try to slowly reduce my calories. It's primarily psychological but it'll be VERY important to give myself time to adjust. I'm hoping I'll just start eating less and less as my body gets more than enough of the nutrients it needs.
I'm gaining weight. The running is not enough to counter. I'd run more but my leg injury is stopping me. I didn't run this past weekend but today I went 4 miles. I can feel the original knee pain returning. It's come on as I've increased my mileage. That might indicate it's more piriformis related than discogenic. We wouldn't be able to see any piriformis problems in the MRI I had. I did spend a few more hours trying to read those results and I'm not sure there's a major problem. I wouldn't be surprised however if my doctor spots one or more problems that could be causing the pain. I can see my discs and they look slightly herniated and the fluid is dark when it should be light indicating there's quite a bit of degeneration.
Awesome! way to go!
I'm feeling better and better about my food approach. I think I'm basically getting stable at some level of calories. I haven't tracked some days so I don't know the average. I think I can slowly and intuitively, without tracking, drop down eventually.
The calorie restriction and extreme exercising during weight loss were too much. I was at movie-star-level of exercising. I would be in the gym 4 hours a day. The bingeing is how I would cope or just get the calories in that I needed and all the numbers were too much of a focus. It was effective but the effects lingered and the damage continued after I hit my goal weight. I kept on with that mindset because I succeeded with it but it doesn't work long-term.
I feel healthy right now and I feel like I made a good decision. I haven't binged although I have overeaten. It hasn't been emotional eating and I haven't lost control but I have satisfied my cravings. Whenever I'm hungry, I'll eat something healthy and that non-restriction allows me to think more clearly and be emotionally healthier. It seems like I had to get through a detox period off the refined sugars but now maybe things are smoothing out.
So... that's all good but the injury is not and that has an emotional toll too.
The calorie restriction and extreme exercising during weight loss were too much. I was at movie-star-level of exercising. I would be in the gym 4 hours a day. The bingeing is how I would cope or just get the calories in that I needed and all the numbers were too much of a focus. It was effective but the effects lingered and the damage continued after I hit my goal weight. I kept on with that mindset because I succeeded with it but it doesn't work long-term.
I feel healthy right now and I feel like I made a good decision. I haven't binged although I have overeaten. It hasn't been emotional eating and I haven't lost control but I have satisfied my cravings. Whenever I'm hungry, I'll eat something healthy and that non-restriction allows me to think more clearly and be emotionally healthier. It seems like I had to get through a detox period off the refined sugars but now maybe things are smoothing out.
So... that's all good but the injury is not and that has an emotional toll too.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Glad to hear that you are feeling healthy. You know I think not bingeing is important. I am always impressed with your insights and openness, it has to help.
This place is busy in the new year!
I'm continuing to eat well. I'm not logging my calories consistently and I'm sure I'm eating more than I need. I think it's to satisfy emotional cravings. I'm trying to look at my whole relationship to food and why I eat the way I do. I'm emotionally calmed down a little bit from this injury now but that emotional spin is hard to live with. It's just out of my hands and it's not going to be the end of the world if I can't run as much right now. I'm staying in touch with the PT guys and I continue to be unimpressed with their help but it's not costing me anything now and they might come in handy later. My doctor is more helpful and I'm looking forward to reviewing my MRI results with her on Monday. I may ask her if there are other PT people I can work with. I'm sure she would know. She seems to be one of only a handful of sports medicine docs nearby. She takes care of a University dance troupe and I believe other sports teams and individuals. Her experience is the right kind I believe because she likely sees a lot of overuse injuries and that is my case as well.
I'm not stuffing myself uncontrollably. I think the hype of weight loss and the effort that it took to power through created sort of a cumulative amount of stress on me and the injury spun me up more. I never quite got out of eating differently for maintenance. That continuation of my weight loss foods and meals was not suitable for just maintenance. I have got to figure out the sleep thing. Yesterday and today though I got 6.5 hours of sleep each day so that's better. It may be correlated with the running. I ran 4 miles on Monday but haven't run since. I've just been walking Cam.
Cravings happen mostly in the afternoon now and that's a shift for the better I believe. I think it might help to distract myself more in the afternoon by scheduling meetings then or running errands then. A little at time so I don't push the cravings back to the evenings.
I've got a ways to go but I'm continuing to improve with setback days but overall trending better I think. I always have a healthy goal weight in mind and I'll just have to sort some things first and keep the goal in mind and get back to it at when I can run and have a better understanding of my cravings.
I'm continuing to eat well. I'm not logging my calories consistently and I'm sure I'm eating more than I need. I think it's to satisfy emotional cravings. I'm trying to look at my whole relationship to food and why I eat the way I do. I'm emotionally calmed down a little bit from this injury now but that emotional spin is hard to live with. It's just out of my hands and it's not going to be the end of the world if I can't run as much right now. I'm staying in touch with the PT guys and I continue to be unimpressed with their help but it's not costing me anything now and they might come in handy later. My doctor is more helpful and I'm looking forward to reviewing my MRI results with her on Monday. I may ask her if there are other PT people I can work with. I'm sure she would know. She seems to be one of only a handful of sports medicine docs nearby. She takes care of a University dance troupe and I believe other sports teams and individuals. Her experience is the right kind I believe because she likely sees a lot of overuse injuries and that is my case as well.
I'm not stuffing myself uncontrollably. I think the hype of weight loss and the effort that it took to power through created sort of a cumulative amount of stress on me and the injury spun me up more. I never quite got out of eating differently for maintenance. That continuation of my weight loss foods and meals was not suitable for just maintenance. I have got to figure out the sleep thing. Yesterday and today though I got 6.5 hours of sleep each day so that's better. It may be correlated with the running. I ran 4 miles on Monday but haven't run since. I've just been walking Cam.
Cravings happen mostly in the afternoon now and that's a shift for the better I believe. I think it might help to distract myself more in the afternoon by scheduling meetings then or running errands then. A little at time so I don't push the cravings back to the evenings.
I've got a ways to go but I'm continuing to improve with setback days but overall trending better I think. I always have a healthy goal weight in mind and I'll just have to sort some things first and keep the goal in mind and get back to it at when I can run and have a better understanding of my cravings.
Cate
Long term member
It is good to try to think this way. It sounds like you are getting things sorted better in your head, Rob. It's very hard to change your mindset when you get to maintenance. I'm looking forward to getting back there...
I feel like I've made some progress with not eating poor quality fats or refined sugars. It's stuck so far this year and it's probably the most progress I've made in many months toward cutting out the binge behavior. I have overeaten and I've been gaining weight. Separating out the food choice and binge session behavior though has allowed me to isolate and get rid of a good portion of the problem which has always been more the behavior than my weight.
There has been a lot of shame surrounding it. I would do it alone, go out and get ice cream or candy bars or something, and feel like I was protective of it or hiding it when it happened. When I eat too much now of the healthier food, I don't feel the shame as much but I know that I'm eating too much and I feel more guilt than shame. Guilt is much healthier than shame and I think I can use it to motivate me to change my current behavior. I don't like feeling like I'm gaining weight which is also a good feeling in a way. Brene Brown explains guilt versus shame as I did something bad versus I am bad. I really like her work.
This has not been about numbers. I'm not weighing myself consistently or tracking my food closely. It's an emotional change. I think I can build up from here.
I have studied my MRI results a lot more and I'm pretty sure I have 2 herniated discs and possibly a third and I'm starting to accept my fate here with running. I wish every day that I won't have permanent problems and that this will be gone in a year but I even have doubts about that timeframe. No one is saying anything but the evidence shows that I'm getting more and more medical attention, testing, evaluation, etc. 4 months into this injury and the pain's not going away, possibly getting worse. This is how it happens, isn't it? No one tells you you're screwed because "it's possible" you're not but the evidence and facts say otherwise. So, what does this mean? I become a swimmer and a yogi now? Can I even lift weights or walk for exercise? I'll know more tomorrow morning after my visit with my doctor.
There has been a lot of shame surrounding it. I would do it alone, go out and get ice cream or candy bars or something, and feel like I was protective of it or hiding it when it happened. When I eat too much now of the healthier food, I don't feel the shame as much but I know that I'm eating too much and I feel more guilt than shame. Guilt is much healthier than shame and I think I can use it to motivate me to change my current behavior. I don't like feeling like I'm gaining weight which is also a good feeling in a way. Brene Brown explains guilt versus shame as I did something bad versus I am bad. I really like her work.
This has not been about numbers. I'm not weighing myself consistently or tracking my food closely. It's an emotional change. I think I can build up from here.
I have studied my MRI results a lot more and I'm pretty sure I have 2 herniated discs and possibly a third and I'm starting to accept my fate here with running. I wish every day that I won't have permanent problems and that this will be gone in a year but I even have doubts about that timeframe. No one is saying anything but the evidence shows that I'm getting more and more medical attention, testing, evaluation, etc. 4 months into this injury and the pain's not going away, possibly getting worse. This is how it happens, isn't it? No one tells you you're screwed because "it's possible" you're not but the evidence and facts say otherwise. So, what does this mean? I become a swimmer and a yogi now? Can I even lift weights or walk for exercise? I'll know more tomorrow morning after my visit with my doctor.
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alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Rob, I don't think you should feel either guilt or shame. You have managed to lose a whole lot of weight and keep most of it off. That is something to be proud of. And you are diligently trying to find forward, again something to be proud of. And as I understand it a lot of your weight and food problem came from damage done by prescription drugs. Drugs prescribed for you, not your fault. So I suggest you try to rightfully take pride in where you are, I am proud of you. You are an inspiration to a lot of folks here. Let any guilt or shame go, I know that is easier said than done, but in your case I see no reason for it.
Hope it goes well for you with the doctor Rob.
That is really great--good for you!
Sounds like you are really gaining a lot of insights into your mindset and behaviours around food. i'm sure this will all be really helpful moving forward.
Rob, I haven't encountered too many people who understand and have said that to me. You're a great supporter here and I didn't know you were that carefully following along. I really appreciate it.
My doctor's appointment got rescheduled for Thursday. They didn't have my MRI images so I wasn't willing to meet until she has a chance to review. I did get the radiology report though. It notes that 2 discs are bulging (not herniated) and some stenosis. I'm sure my doctor will have a lot more to explain so I'm trying not to speculate too much. I was really anxious about it. Only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night.
I weighed myself today and I was 197.4. I was happy that my discs aren't actually herniated so I went to the gym and started doing the PT exercises I was given. I have lost a little core strength over the past month because I wasn't sure what was going on and started doing other exercises. I went swimming too. No running. I walked Cam though about 3 miles and my leg pain was acting up a little.
I've collected HRV data every day for over a week now and I think I may be getting a little bit of a feel for it. I haven't been too stressed according to the scores but I haven't been pushing myself physically because of the leg pain. Lack of sleep and overeating don't really show up. Although wrt to sleep, I've always had poor sleep even at baseline so not sure I would detect anything.
My doctor's appointment got rescheduled for Thursday. They didn't have my MRI images so I wasn't willing to meet until she has a chance to review. I did get the radiology report though. It notes that 2 discs are bulging (not herniated) and some stenosis. I'm sure my doctor will have a lot more to explain so I'm trying not to speculate too much. I was really anxious about it. Only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night.
I weighed myself today and I was 197.4. I was happy that my discs aren't actually herniated so I went to the gym and started doing the PT exercises I was given. I have lost a little core strength over the past month because I wasn't sure what was going on and started doing other exercises. I went swimming too. No running. I walked Cam though about 3 miles and my leg pain was acting up a little.
I've collected HRV data every day for over a week now and I think I may be getting a little bit of a feel for it. I haven't been too stressed according to the scores but I haven't been pushing myself physically because of the leg pain. Lack of sleep and overeating don't really show up. Although wrt to sleep, I've always had poor sleep even at baseline so not sure I would detect anything.
I really admire how much you're strong in staying in control of medical things like that, and using all your knowledge and research skills to get as clear a picture as possible. Best wishes for Thursday.
alligatorob
Respected Member
I always read your diary Rob. I know we are different, but that doesn't keep me from learning from you.
This morning my HRV score was low and it made sense. Yesterday I was on the elliptical for about an hour and I overate last night more than I have in awhile. I had lunch with a friend I've known since middle school and that contributed. Social situations are hard on me emotionally. This time I responded by exercising and eating too much.
Cate
Long term member
Hi, Rob. I'm just letting you know that I always read your diary & like that you share with us how you feel. You have come a long way I think & you seem to be getting better at coping with social situations. Where once you took medication, you now have to find your own ways of dealing with it. I would really struggle with anxiety if I was to catch up with old school friends. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I don't know any perfect people.
Thanks, Cate. I usually come away after an uncertain social situation feeling the need to medicate in some way still unfortunately. I'm trying to understand better now what exactly makes me nervous or anxious. I haven't always been aware but there's usually a specific reason.
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I'm super confused now. I met with my doctor today and she seemed to think my MRI results looked OK. A couple of my discs are degenerated and there is some bulging and slight herniation but she didn't think she would see the pain that I'm describing. Hmmm........ It's always been worst at my knee when I'm running but I've had symptoms in many places and I received a whole 5 weeks of PT thinking it was discogenic.
I'm wondering now if it's medication damage. I have seen others who've been through similar report they've had weird nerve pain too. I do feel generalized pain everywhere, sometimes defined more sharply along a specific path. It's been in the bottom of my foot, ankle, shin area, calf, knee, hip, glute area, lower back. I felt it on both sides one time. I've also had those cramps when swimming that seemed really odd. In the mornings, my calves are almost always twitching like crazy. The pain acts up with more exercise and activity and gets better with rest. I'm really not sure now and quite confused.
Both her and the PT guys have asked repeatedly the specific location and don't seem to get that it's more generalized and it comes on when running and sometimes it's worse, sometimes better. They seem to be expecting a different pattern than I'm experiencing. My doctor did say I should be OK to run and that I can even push it but keep doing the core work. She wrote me a script for a topical nerve pain cream which I'll try on my knee. I have another appointment in 2 weeks for a shot into the nerve on the side of my knee if I still think I need it there. I have always felt I could deal with any of the other pain besides the knee.
This was an odd day but I'm really happy I can run.
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I'm super confused now. I met with my doctor today and she seemed to think my MRI results looked OK. A couple of my discs are degenerated and there is some bulging and slight herniation but she didn't think she would see the pain that I'm describing. Hmmm........ It's always been worst at my knee when I'm running but I've had symptoms in many places and I received a whole 5 weeks of PT thinking it was discogenic.
I'm wondering now if it's medication damage. I have seen others who've been through similar report they've had weird nerve pain too. I do feel generalized pain everywhere, sometimes defined more sharply along a specific path. It's been in the bottom of my foot, ankle, shin area, calf, knee, hip, glute area, lower back. I felt it on both sides one time. I've also had those cramps when swimming that seemed really odd. In the mornings, my calves are almost always twitching like crazy. The pain acts up with more exercise and activity and gets better with rest. I'm really not sure now and quite confused.
Both her and the PT guys have asked repeatedly the specific location and don't seem to get that it's more generalized and it comes on when running and sometimes it's worse, sometimes better. They seem to be expecting a different pattern than I'm experiencing. My doctor did say I should be OK to run and that I can even push it but keep doing the core work. She wrote me a script for a topical nerve pain cream which I'll try on my knee. I have another appointment in 2 weeks for a shot into the nerve on the side of my knee if I still think I need it there. I have always felt I could deal with any of the other pain besides the knee.
This was an odd day but I'm really happy I can run.
Cate
Long term member
Hi, Rob. I wonder if it might be Fibromyalgia. I know of a few people who have it & it may be worth checking out. I did a quick search & this is just a couple of the many links I found- Fibromyalgia: Understand the diagnosis process
Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia
Thanks, Cate. I'm not sure if this would be fibromyalgia. I have some other symptoms that qualify but the pain is limited to my left leg. It's good to be aware of possibilities bc as I get older, I realize my vulnerability more and more.
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I'm really confused about where this leaves me. This has taken a lot of time, money, emotional energy and has wrecked my weight loss and recovery. I've lost so much fitness. That first meeting I had with PT was a problem. The head PT guy just diagnosed me on the spot without even doing an assessment. What a sham. I had a gut feeling then but I didn't know any better and I'm not sure there's much else I could have done. I'm happy I can run again but I'm going to run into the same pain on my knee and where do I go from there? I'll have to get a shot in my knee to block that nerve and then what? Hope I recover? I don't know. If it was discogenic, I suppose I would have had a more precise timeline and better information about what exercises to do but it may not have been much better. The experience just reinforces a lot of negative opinions about help when it comes to my health.
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I'm really confused about where this leaves me. This has taken a lot of time, money, emotional energy and has wrecked my weight loss and recovery. I've lost so much fitness. That first meeting I had with PT was a problem. The head PT guy just diagnosed me on the spot without even doing an assessment. What a sham. I had a gut feeling then but I didn't know any better and I'm not sure there's much else I could have done. I'm happy I can run again but I'm going to run into the same pain on my knee and where do I go from there? I'll have to get a shot in my knee to block that nerve and then what? Hope I recover? I don't know. If it was discogenic, I suppose I would have had a more precise timeline and better information about what exercises to do but it may not have been much better. The experience just reinforces a lot of negative opinions about help when it comes to my health.
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