Rob's Diary

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Felt angry, low self-esteem, self-conscious, stupefied, punchy, insecure because of the binges. I tried to exercise through it so I did a lot of walking and some elliptical. My knee is bothering me but it's not painful. I really felt I needed the exercise so I didn't take another rest day. I'm working with someone right now on a potential opportunity and the mood boost from the exercise is critical. If I didn't need it for work, I would allow myself to be grumpy for a couple days.

My sleep has really turned a corner the past few days. The binges seemed to help. Last night I got 8 hours and 42 minutes which I haven't gotten in over a year. I'm sure of that. The night before, I got 7 hours and the night before that I got 8 hours. Wow!

4566 calories out, 1740 calories in, 33.5k steps.
 
Thanks, Rob and Amy.

I'm no expert at this except when it comes to what works and doesn't work for me. It's too soon after being close to my target weight to have perspective on what's going on with the binges. They're not good at all but I will be OK if they happen. Living in fear of them happening is much worse. I've been through much worse too and sometimes the only way out is through.
 
Hey Rob, you should not live in fear of anything. Do what you need to do not to.

LaMa posted an interesting video on BED, you might appreciate it.
 
The points I heard are that it can be temporary ("at some point in their lives"), it's not very well understood and even though there's treatment, it doesn't sound very promising. They throw antidepressants at everything. I certainly wouldn't take one for BED as I'm pretty sure they caused it in the first place.

I didn't have this so much when I was younger. I've been struggling with it a lot since getting off the medication I was on and it's really coming into focus right now. It's more difficult to deal with than it ever has been. Maybe that means the end is near. It might also mean it'll get worse before it gets better. That's typically how these things go.
 
Hey Rob, a question occurred to me, how did you eat and manage your eating when you were losing weight? I think you lost a lot of that weight before you started posting here. You must have had a pretty good system.
 
There were periods of time when I managed things better and I just tried to maximize those times. So I'd exercise more or I'd take advantage of some momentum I had from not overeating or binging. On average, those efforts outweighed the more negative days and so I lost weight. It was tiring though to be honest. The walking I was doing tamped down some of the more difficult swings and allowed me to rebound better and I just kept at it.

Rob, you mentioned you've struggled with binging for a really long time. It seems you have a good approach to just stop that behavior and it's definitely working for you as we can see by your progress. I don't mean anything negative by this but I always wonder when the other shoe will drop. Do you know what I mean? Change is inevitable. Even if that happens though, I think you'll be able to overcome it. Maybe my experience demonstrates that you can still go on and recover even if you slip up. The bike riding will definitely help you with overcoming in my opinion if that should ever happen. You are likely motivated differently at this point in your life too which is really good. Don't mean to speak out of turn but I'm really impressed by your progress and story.
 
bensanon said:
I don't mean anything negative by this but I always wonder when the other shoe will drop. Do you know what I mean? Change is inevitable.
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Absolutely, I worry about that all the time. Every other time I have successfully dieted and lost weight that shoe dropped, I started bingeing and did not stop until all weight was regained. I know it can happen.
bensanon said:
Maybe my experience demonstrates that you can still go on and recover even if you slip up. The bike riding will definitely help you with overcoming in my opinion if that should ever happen. You are likely motivated differently at this point in your life too which is really good. Don't mean to speak out of turn but I'm really impressed by your progress and story.
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Much as I would like to think I will never binge again, and that is my goal, I know it could happen any time. And yes understanding your experience gives me hope it won't be the end of the world. I appreciate that. You are not speaking out of turn, your insights are valued.
 
Pretty good day today. I went to get fitted for my suit but it turned out the style was a little different than I expected so I ended up ordering another that I like better. It'll take another week to arrive and then I'll get fitted then.

Ate well and exercised at the gym. Elliptical and walking. I tried running a little but my knee is still bothering me. I'm not able to give up exercise so I'll just live with this for awhile I suppose maybe until I get better health insurance.

4814 calories out according to my Fitbit. 32k steps. 1948 calories in. Made some good progress on some work.
 
bensanon said:
You are a few pounds away from where I was went I started posting here and that was about 5 months ago.
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Thanks Rob, that is a useful insight. It helps me see there may be a light at the end of the tunnel yet. I always think of you as way way ahead of me in this process, but now I can see a path to where you are. You are of course still way ahead.
 
Had an OK day today. I exercised and ate well. I did elliptical and walking and a little running. My knee is the same. I really wish I could run like I used to. It's so therapeutic for me. The other exercise I do gives me a good mood boost but not like the running.

I ordered three blazers to try out. I'll keep one and send the others back. I have a casual social function next week I need to look presentable for and I don't have much in my wardrobe.

I weighed 188.4 today. 4275 calories out, 2277 in. 28k steps.

I've been relying a lot on my calorie counter but I'd like to rely more on how I feel. I think that's the ultimate goal - to be able to nourish myself in a healthy way, long-term and not track calories or obsess over those details and forget about wanting to binge.
 
I have noticed my mood has slowly been improving if I disregard the binge/post-binge days. I'm a lot less frustrated with things compared to a couple months ago. I had a very nice day today and I feel good tonight.

Exercised. Treadmill and elliptical. I kind of missed lunch because I was rushing but I didn't feel too hungry as a result.

I'm noticing the impact of salt on my weight and blood pressure. I mean it never really hit home until recently just how much most people get everyday and how much you should be getting. The healthy salad and bowl dishes I get from restaurants have too much. No reason I need to keep eating them regularly but they can be a treat every now and then. It's best to cook for myself. Today I got 1021mg of salt which is within the low sodium DASH diet amount. This is pretty close to the lowest I can get I think. It's hard to limit. The American food system is f'ed up.

4447 calories out, 29k steps, 1844 calories in. My weight this morning was 185.2, a new low.
 
bensanon said:
My weight this morning was 185.2, a new low.
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Good for you, that's great news.
bensanon said:
I have noticed my mood has slowly been improving if I disregard the binge/post-binge days. I'm a lot less frustrated with things compared to a couple months ago. I had a very nice day today and I feel good tonight.
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Has to be some connection between the weight loss and you feeling better.
 
Well, last night I ate about 2k more calories after I finished posting here. :ack2: I had urges come on that I couldn't control. It was all of a sudden but that total was still below the total amount out and relatively small for me for a binge. Then today I had a difficult day probably partly because of the calories last night and partly because I had to do some very unpleasant work I haven't been looking forward to. It was kind of traumatic and like reopening an old wound. Tonight I ate too much again by about 1.5k calories and my mood tanked late this afternoon and evening.

I did get to the gym and it felt good even though I did about a third effort of what I normally do. My mood is directly connected to the exercise and has been since getting off the medication I was on. It's really clear. As soon as I get about 20 minutes into walking, I start to perk up.

So I'm cycling a bit here I think. Yesterday I felt great and even posted so above. I ate good food so I got all my nutrients today just a little too many calories. I'm going to engage in some me time which will involve distracting myself with a movie or TV show for a bit. I took a shower and cleaned up. Texted with someone too. Just trying to take care of myself on the more difficult days like today. Thank you all for reading and posting on my diary. I do appreciate everyone here and this space. I will try to get around to others' diaries.
 
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bensanon said:
Well, last night I ate about 2k more calories after I finished posting here. :ack2: I had urges come on that I couldn't control. It was all of a sudden but that total was still below the total amount out and relatively small for me for a binge.
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Maybe you can whittle down the binges. Keep working at it and you'll get it figured out. You are losing weight.
 
bensanon said:
I'm going to engage in some me time which will involve distracting myself with a movie or TV show for a bit. I took a shower and cleaned up. Texted with someone too. Just trying to take care of myself on the more difficult days like today.
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This is such intelligent management - good for you! Distracting and taking care of ourselves is a really good system for avoiding mindless eating. Good for you! And as for:
bensanon said:
I will try to get around to others' diaries.
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Seriously, don't knock yourself out. Just dip in to one or two, or a club or two, without trying to read every single thing. Just dip, and chat a bit, and enjoy, as far as it suits you! :)
 
:iagree: with Amy. Distracting yourself is intelligent management & getting around all the diaries is very time-consuming. My mood is directly connected to how active I am too & how well I eat. I played golf yesterday in good company, ate well & had a good night's sleep. Today I feel excellent, even though the weather is miserable. Exercise is so good for us in so many ways.
 
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