Rob's Diary

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I really do find it hard to put myself first, Rob. I can't imagine being offended by you. I will keep trying to look after myself & to worry less about others, but it goes against my nature.
 
Cate said:
Is that 5 lbs worth it, Rob? Does that extra 5 add up to 140 lbs lost? I just wonder why it is so important if it is causing you so much anguish. I understand being single-minded & not giving up, but sometimes I have to re-think why I put myself through the hoops when no-one else would care or notice. I'm not just talking about weight-loss. I'm my own worst critic. 135 lbs is an absolutely amazing amount of weight to lose, if that is what you have lost already. That's over 61kg! I lost 36 kg in 6 months in 2007 & transformed the way I looked & felt. You must be looking great & I know that you are very fit as well. I'm in awe. Maybe it's time to step back & be proud of yourself. If that 5lbs is so important to you maybe you could just let nature take its course. If it is meant to go it probably will.
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YES, it's worth it. It would probably go anyway yes but I'm OK pushing myself and it's what I want. There's more after this I want to achieve and then more after that. I can be single-minded and it's absolutely good to reassess so I try to be open to new ways of thinking. I'm the one who cares and notices and it's for me and yes that's selfish. I am feeling so good and I'm realizing and experiencing things again I haven't in a long long time and I love it but I guess I have a loud emotional outcry sometimes. It does take some effort. In the future I want to look back and reassess what I accomplished here and maybe think it's not that great anymore after achieving even more. Maybe I should try to tone my anguish level down? I don't think that's what you meant but I don't see the negative in pushing myself when the positives are this good. Maybe it sounds outrageous but really, I'm OK. Thanks, Cate! I do look good too! :p
 
Don't get me wrong, Rob. Curiosity just got the better of me. I wasn't going to ask :blush5: It doesn't sound outrageous at all. I just wondered about the significance of the 5 lbs. Don't tone anything down for me :blush5:
 
:cool: Just a number but you have to start and stop somewhere. I think I shouldn't use the word "anger". Someone got the wrong idea when I used it before. It has a negative connotation but it's accurate and not unhealthy if dealt with correctly.
 
1673 calories in today. Feel OK with the lower than usual calories because of the amount I had yesterday. No binge today.

I ran about 8 miles today. Fitbit says about 3900 calories out and 24k steps. My resting heart rate went from 48 to 52 because of the binge days.

I meditated 20 minutes today which I'm starting back at now after a couple days off.

When it rains, it pours but I think I'm back to clear skies.
 
I'm bummed about my leg/knee. I went to the gym and tried to run but it was hurting so I stopped after a mile. I went swimming for about 45 minutes and then came back and walked quite a bit which is not the same at all. I probably burned the same amount I would on a run but it was not as satisfying. Total calories out according to my Fitbit are 4136. 25k steps.

2007 calories in today. Food was good and my usual healthy. No binges although feeling a little hungry tonight.

My weight today was 191.2. I've gotten over Fri's and Sat's binge effects on my weight.

I'll meditate 20 minutes tonight.
 
My mind was all over the place during meditation. Most likely the time away and the chaos of the last 3 days.
 
alligatorob said:
Do you need to add an evening snack, I often have one and it helps.
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Thanks for that , Rob. The evenings can be tricky with food but a little protein can help just not too close to bed. I ended up eating some chicken last night and it helped but I think it disrupted my sleep.
 
Today was not the best. I was agitated and frustrated with my leg injury. I went to the gym and walked a lot and did a couple miles on the cross trainer. I had over 3 hours of activity. About 27k steps, 3700 calories out.

I ate more food today to prevent bingeing. I had strong cravings. Total calories in were 2637.

My weight this morning was 191.8.

I'm feeling down and I hope my leg feels better tomorrow although it's pretty sore tonight. I iced it and took some ibuprofen.
 
Good for you, I think 2,637 calories is not a binge for you. And with the exercise you should have consumed more calories than you ate.

Hope you and your leg feel better soon.
 
Ok, I did not do well today starting with a binge this morning. I never binge in the morning. Tonight, I had unhealthy food and ate more than I should have.

So I'm not going to go into anymore detail than that. I don't think posting on it helps anyone and I've been feeling trapped about having to post something but not wanting to mention anything and that doesn't help me which is the whole point. I think it's more important to understand why it's happening and what I can do about it which I will post on.

First, things are dramatically different at this weight. I am a different person. My cravings, my purpose, my understanding of what I need to do have all been dramatically affected in ways I couldn't predict or understand. The mindset needed to continue to lose weight is not at all the same as it was for the first 130 pounds.

Second, there's something about bingeing that's hard to stop once it happens. The previous two binges on Fri and Sat play into tonight. Could be physiological or could be psychological, not sure.

Third, I've been feeling terrible about not being able to run. It's really gotten me down and so I need to figure out better ways to manage my emotions and also to exercise so I'm not dependent on the running to feel good. Both of those will take a really long time and this forum is supposed to help with the first but again, I've been feeling trapped which is number four.

It's not especially helpful to me to post calorie details day in and day out now. It was earlier on but not really now. When I started, I wanted to learn a lot about fitness and nutrition during this process too and I feel that hasn't really gone anywhere. I don't think this is necessarily the place to do it but it's nice to have some area and space to put things down if I like.

Fifth is that I lost a source of support last week and I haven't adjusted to that and I've been feeling emotional about it.

So.. with the above in mind, I think it's a good time for me to reassess how to keep on my path in order to achieve my goals. This will require more research and time not under a demand to eat below a certain amount of calories and post about whether I succeeded or not. I need to get out of that framework and use a little more brain power some additional calories can afford me until I'm certain about the next approach or thing to try out. I have felt in limbo without really taking hold of the reigns and I'd like to use my head a little more to get me back on higher ground to figure out what my next approach will be.


Note how clear the above is. It's because I had more fuel in me. This makes sense to me anyway. We'll see if it holds. :D It's important to adapt and when necessary, take the time you need to figure it out and then recommit or put your resources elsewhere. Lots to think about and explore here so I can hopefully stop bingeing for good one day.
 
bensanon said:
there's something about bingeing that's hard to stop once it happens. The previous two binges on Fri and Sat play into tonight. Could be physiological or could be psychological, not sure.
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You probably have read my thinking on this. I believe overeating, binges included are instinctive, we evolved in times of food shortage, and for 99% of human existence overeating to the point of obesity just wasn't possible. Starvation on the other hand was pretty common. People who were best at eating whatever they could get their hands on whenever they could get it survived, so in a sense we bingers have good genes, just not for a time of unlimited junk food. I believe most of my stress has come from overeating and the results of overeating, not visa versa. That said I am talking about me not you, and I am no expert, hell I could be completely wrong even about me, but its my working theory.

For me the only way to stop bingeing is just to stop, and I know that's hard as hell to do, believe me. That's also why I think doing it one day at a time is the only way that works for me. There are lots of tricks to stave off hunger or divert your attention, and they can work. We talk about them here, and I've learned new ones from others here. Another thing that helps is what probably looks to y'all like obsessive posting, right now posting here helps me not binge and stay on track. I appreciate everyone's indulgence in my rants and raves, but more importantly I appreciate and am very much helped by all the support I get here. That said I know that I am never more than 5 or 10 minutes away from a binge, the urge is always there or not far away. In fact I feel it now and writing this over long post is helping me. Rob, I hope it is some help to you.

One thing that is very different about where you are than I is that you have already lost most of the weight you need to, which is great, but I know it makes not bingeing harder. Right now a lot of my reinforcement comes from seeing my weekly losses, but I know that will end one day. In my life I have successfully lost weight in the past, a few times more than I've lost here, but I have never been able to maintain the weight loss, the overeating and bingeing always came back. So I wish I could offer you wisdom from my experience, but I can't.

All I can do is challenge you not to binge tomorrow, how about it can we do that together?
 
Thanks, Rob. 3 or 4 of my points above relate to stress. I binge when I’m stressed to take my mind off what I'm dealing with. I've gotten as far as I've gotten though because I've learned to not let setbacks ruin my overall progress and to keep going. If I fall into a trap of all-or-nothing thinking, I will more often fail and feel helpless and depressed while trying to hold that line. It can become all-consuming, degrading and lead to neglect in other areas of my life. Weight loss is hard but it should not go to those degrees which are more unhealthy than the binges for me.

My psychological history with medication is different than yours and I know the effects these binges have on me. They are a different beast than what I was discussing with Cate above. I can push myself to great degrees but I need to be careful about how I approach tackling the binges. I don't intend for them to happen but I won't beat myself up if they do. They'll die out one day but I'll have a different point of view and perspective then and be able to maintain better. I'm working toward that but I'm a work in progress. I'm gaining glimpses now of what that will look like and getting used to the idea that I can lead a full life without a tumultuous relationship with food but it takes time and patience to uncover that perspective.

If it helps you, keep doing it. It has helped me greatly at certain times and that positive reinforcement has really helped me as well. I will cheer you on and will check in with you every day and challenge you to keep it one day at a time. The posting does not seem obsessive at all. I'm impressed with what you've accomplished and how you've accomplished it. Keep posting in whatever way helps you.
 
I had a pretty good day today considering the bingeing yesterday.

I got about 6 hours of sleep but the sleep score that Fitbit calculates was pretty low. I ran for a little bit today. My leg and knee were bothering me a little bit but the pain wasn't as bad. I ran very slowly for about 50 minutes on an incline which seemed to help. I feel good tonight because of it. I think I can slowly get back to running more miles. I also lifted some weights. I did a couple leg exercises and bench press. Building up surrounding leg muscles seems to be a good thing to do. I was a bit unsteady on the bench press. Not sure I've done the real version since high school. Also got about 3 miles done on the elliptical.

Total calories out are 3364. Total in today were 1333 (not high because of the bingeing yesterday). No meditation.
 
Hey Rob, I understand, you have to do what works for you. No problem here. I will keep doing it and appreciate your support, no matter what you decide to do. Sounds like you had a good binge free day today, that's great!
 
I had a good day, today. I went up to the gym and ran and did about 3 miles on the cross-trainer and did some bicep curls. My knee and leg are still bothering me unfortunately. I'm running slow and on an incline and that helps a little.

I ate some oats a la Cate this morning and they were tasty. Total calories out today from my Fitbit are 4045. Total calories in were 1936.

Haven't felt a need to get back to meditation but I think I should anyway at some point.

I feel good because I really like the way I'm beginning to look. I think I might start buying clothes and that will help me continue on. I will try not to be vain but it really helps my self-esteem and lightens my mood after so long of being so negative. Wow! What a journey this is and how amazing my body has recovered and is responding.

My weight was 193.2. It feels like it'll go down close to where I was pre-recent binge. We shall see.
 
bensanon said:
how amazing my body has recovered and is responding.
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:iagree: Bodies in general amaze me - even simple things, like how they can just grow new skin after we've cut ourselves. They do break down sometimes, and there's illness and of course age, but in general, bodies are great, and respond so well to just ordinary care and attention! :D
 
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