Rho's Diary

It's nice to know I'm not alone there Juliette! This has definitely taught me a lesson. I'll be doing HIIT only on early mornings so I have the whole day to 'tire' me out - hopefully I'll then be able to go to bed at night!

I wonder why the body does that. What's the big difference between 'normal' cardio training and HIIT training? With cardio training, at least I can sleep afterwards... (but I just think it's sooooooo boring) I wonder if there's some kind of food (aside from mushrooms of any kind ;) ) that can put the body to sleep!
 
An insight into myself

Sometimes I find myself thinking "How did I let myself get so big?" No one else in my family is, so why me?

I see now that I'm made differently. In my family, we tend to forget to eat. My mother always did, and she always made sure my brothers and sisters and I didn't eat until we'd done our morning chores, which could sometimes be until 12 or 1. She wasn't being mean...she's just old school. Obviously with time we got used to it.. but my siblings didn't get fat. I did. Worse still I kept thinking 'The less I eat the slimmer I'll surely be', but now I know this is crap. Of course I had the urge splurge on pizza and chicken n chips (I live in London!), but I've never really been a junk food person per se...even chocolate isn't really a temptation for me.

I like my current plan. I don't allow myself to become ravenously hungry. The upside of my plan is also that I'm eating more, and my metabolism is revving more (maybe that's why I'm finding it difficult to sleep!). I make sure I have breakfast everyday, even if it means being late for work.

Like I said in my first thread I've gone through the last few years sorting my head out and finding myself (clichéd but true). Sometime during that period I decided that I was sexy just the way I was/am, and this view was reinforced by the guys interested in me (What guy trying to get with a girl would tell her "Actually you look fat"). That was enough for me then. I winced when I looked at myself in pictures - I said the camera always adds pounds...makes you look bigger...and then one day, not too long ago, I decided enough is enough. I still think I'm sexy, but I'd like my mental image to tally with pictures of me! I'm far from perfect mentally, but I know that if I work hard enough at something there's an improved chance of my achieving it. I've applied this philosophy to my career and my education, so why not to my body, which is the only thing I can truly call mine?

I know I can do this.

Of course it's scary. I've become somewhat comfortable in being big (mentally, not physically!) - I'm used to being 'the big one' in a group. So it's going to be scary to undergo such visible change. But I only have one life, so I'm determined to make the best of it. So many people have died (2 people close to me this year alone), and it's reinforcing my opinion to not take things for granted, to DO what I want to do rather than just think it and wish it. I can achieve whatever I strive for, and this is the ultimate chance to prove that to myself. If I fail I might as well give up my life, because I, not to mention everyone else, won't have any faith in what I say. I don't want to be that sort of person, so screw it, this time is mine.
 
First of all about the whole being awake thing... when I have a good workout later in the evening, I can't sleep either. The exercise just gets you going! So I know that if I workout at night it has to be at a reasonable hour, otherwise I won't be sleeping. So you're definately no the only one!

I thought the same way about myself, how did I let myself get this big. I'm the only one of my sisters to be fat and I always thought it was unfair. However like you said I was made different. They've never been big eaters, but I was a big eater from the day I was born. I could outeat any child when I was a child and I was really hungry. My mom babysits kids and almost all them aren't big eaters. My mom had to start me on baby food early because breast feeding wasn't keeping me full... she told me that when she got to the end of the jar I would hear the clinking and would start to cry cause I knew there was no more (so she would feed me another half of a diff one), I was eating adult food by at least age 1! There's this one story of me being just over 1 and going to a restaurant and my parents ordered the veal for me (adult portion) and the people working there never believed it was for me, they literally had to watch to see if it was for me, and let me tell you I ate almost the whole thing. I also saw a home video of me at 4 eating, and I outate all the adults. Now, I don't understand why I was always hungry from the time I was born, but I just never felt full. So that's what I struggle with, is not overeating because it's so easy for me to do so. I've learned to eat better portions and know that it's enough to satisfy me.

Wow, sorry for overtaking your diary with my personal history! LOL. I just wanted you to know that I know what it's like to be the different one in the family.

I also agree with you on knowing you can do it! I know you can do it, I know I can do it. It is scary that's for sure! When you've always been overweight, it's scary to change your life, to be something you've never been. But then again, it's exciting as well! I can't wait to be healthy, fit and thin... I've never been that, but I'm so ready and it's about time!

I just want you to know that I'm behind you 100%!!! I have faith in you and I hope to help support you in any way possible :D
 
Your story made me smile Risty..no, laugh out loud.. Outeating the adults? That sure would have been a sight. I can't believe you ate veal at age 1!!! That is soooo classic!

Thank you for your support. I feel somewhat ashamed thinking of my cardio session tonight and moaning inwardly (I'm not doing HIIT today so it's plain old cardio for me). I'll remember your faith in me when I'm on the cycle and my butt's killing me, telling me to get off!
 
Me too!

I was outeating adults as a kid ... which is funny because I just wrote about it in my diary.

It's always comforting to confess about an eating habit then hear others have those habits too :)
 
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It's so nice to know there were other children like me! I remember when I was in elementry school and I would eat 3 hamburgers for supper. My mom finally had to tell me that I wasn't allowed to eat that many, so I then went to 2.5 burgers and then she made me go down to 2. I mean, it's just so bad. But I'm so glad that someone can understand what that's like. I mean, I ate more as a child than I do now! However, that's because I'm controlling it, back then I wasn't worried about weight and being healthy... I really didn't know I wasn't eating normal to begin with.

I'm glad my story made you laugh :D It is kinda funny to be eating the adult portion at a restaurant! The funniest thing was at the table next to us there was a family with 2 children and they were probably around 6 years old and the parent's were asking if there was a children's menu. The children were being picky and hardly eating, the waiter guy just looked at them, and then looked at me and he just couldn't believe it.

About the whole cardio, I know how it can be hard to get through some days (for me it was moreso than not... lol) but just try to remember your goals and believing you can do it and get through it and also knowing others know you can do it too! Sometimes it helps me get an extra boost of motivation just thinking about that kinda stuff.
 
Motivation

Yesterday was by far the biggest challenge to my new lifestyle...

At work, some person (bless 'em) decided to get a sandwich buffet for the whole office.... Not impressive in itself, except the buffet was from M&S. Now, I don't know if anyone knows this, but Marks & Spencer food is no short of divine... So many beautiful sandwiches laid out in all colours, varieties and flavours. Could I have one? NO! Because, for one, it'd have blown my eating plan - they come in itty bitty wraps, and little bite size buns, and all sorts of breads... and I just knew I wouldn't be able to stop if I had just one... So I had to watch as everyone else gorged themselves until they had their fill... And then I went off to make my own sandwich, which was good...but not M&S...

Fasttrack to the end of the day. The thought of 45 mins cardio was filling me with dread like I said...I'd decided I couldn't do HIIT cardio (because I'm not able to sleep at night when I do). So I stayed behind after work...maybe hoping something would crop up so I'd have to postpone my workout...silly me. I kept trying to call my best friend cos I knew he'd be able to encourage me... Alas, no answer. I could feel my will wavering. But after a while I got tired of waiting around and said to myself "At least get to the damn gym first!". So off I went. Thankfully, I decided to go straight there instead of first going home. If I had gone home I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come back outside...

I got to the gym, changed, and sat in the changing room for around 5 minutes just mentally preparing myself... Took my earphones...then came back and took a book as well (The Monkey's Typewriter, it's called). I figured maybe I could even read during my workout. So there I was, going hard at it on the X-trainer (book be damned - how can anyone read during a sweaty workout!), all the while thinking "I'm not doing more than 30 mins... not more than 30 mins". Around the 10 min mark I decided 'screw sleep - I'm doing HIIT', so I did... Before I knew it, the 30 min mark had come and gone and I was pressing on to the full 45 minutes. Of course I was shattered by the end...sweating buckets...but I felt invigorated.

I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep when I got home, so I settled myself with a book (Enid Blyton - I'm such a kid...no really it's a throwback to times when I felt secure as a child) and I read and read until my body eventually caught up with me and I fell asleep. I managed 6 hours sleep, which isn't too bad.

So I got a great workout and I managed to get some sleep. I feel great!

So I guess this was a good lesson in motivation for me. I know there will be days when I just want to give up, but the important thing (for me, anyway) is actually making it to the gym. I know myself - once I'm there I'll do my best, cos by the time I'm leaving I don't want to feel like I could have done better... I see people in the gym who hardly break a sweat - they just sort of laze about and perform a few lazy exercises...I reckon I could do that at home...the gym is to work my ass off :D .

I'll also have to take things one day at a time... Part of my problem yesterday was my thinking "Am I going to be cycling to nowhere (on the stationary bike) for the rest of my life in order to be healthy?", and that thought depressed me. So I reckon I'll face this one workout at a time... well cardio anyway.. I still LOVE my weight training...I'm addicted to the pain.. I guess it makes me feel...ALIVE..

Have a fun Friday evening beautiful people. I sure will!!
 
That is just awesome! I'm sure everyone faces those days, the days of just dreading doing their workout (I know I have). The most important thing, and you did it, was just going and it's true, once you're there it's much easier to get started and get it done! I find that when I went home first, I wouldn't get to the gym after that :p Now that I have my program I do go home first, but this is an actual class I have to get to, so I make sure I get my butt there, unlike the gym where you can go whenever you want.

So, GOOD JOB YOU! I'm also glad you got some sleep :D Keep up the awesome work!
 
Wow - feels like ages since I've posted... Well, so much has happened in the last few days, and it's been one thing after the other...but I still feel guilty for not updating my dear diary.

Anyhow, the weekend was good. I worked out on Saturday, but I'm sad to say I haven't worked out since then. I was supposed to go next on Monday, but I got some serious stomach cramps (which I might have been able to work through), but coupled with my lack of sleep (It seems that I'm doomed to suffer on Mondays due to NO sleep on Sunday nights...don't know why that is...too tired to even think why) I knew I had to go home and crash. It still took me ages to get to sleep on Monday night, thanks to all the damn pain (female-related, not exercise-related), so on Tuesday (yesterday) I was tired and cranky as hell. Oh, and still in stomach-cramping pain. Then just before leaving the office to attend my boss's funeral I felt a weird tickle at the back of my throat. To cap it all off, I now have a full-blown cold. The horrible kind with the clogged and spaced out feeling. I almost called in sick but I remembered I need all the days off I can get to prepare for my exams coming up next month, so I dragged my sorry ass in to work, nearly half an hour late though..

Yesterday was also my boss's funeral, which I attended.
Very emotional, especially seeing his 9 year old daughter, and his wife, who has lost a tremendous amount of weight over the last cople of weeks. I've decided for certain I'm going to be cremated...seems a lot less messy than burial... So, I was on my way home from the funeral when my phone alarm went off...and I realised that I was expected at my friend's graduation ceremony... I couldn't even think of a good enough excuse not to go, so I carried my tired, cramp-ridden, full-of-snot self over there, and helped her celebrate, which was nice, except I kept dozing off. Got home pretty late (around 11) so definitely no workout. That makes me 2 days overdue for a workout.

My body's definitely missing the workouts, plus I feel...sort of weird. Maybe it's all the drugs working their way through my system right now, but I'm all spaced out. I'll see how I feel by the end of work... If I feel up to it, I'm off for cardio training, snot or not (oh jeez, the image of snot all over the machine makes me think maybe not). Or maybe I should just get better before resuming..

I haven't weighed myself so I don't know how much I've lost weight-wise, but I've measured myself inch-wise, and I've a total of 1.7 inches overall, which I guess isn't too bad. My home scales say I'm 15 stone, which is 210 pounds, which would mean I've lost a further 1.5 lbs, but I'll wait till next week to make sure. I feel a lot firmer, and I went to work in a skirt I haven't been able to wear for a few months. It's nice to think I'll be able to wear items that are languishing at the back of my wardrobe in time.. But for now, I've got to focus on getting myself better. Even my eyes feel droopy and ill...feeling a little sorry for myself :( Poor me
 
Hey, sorry to hear about your crappy week! I was getting worried with you not writing as often as you were!

About the funeral... I'm sure it must have been emotional to see his family like that. I cried at someone's funeral whom I didn't even know (it was my sister's friend in school, her mom had died and I knew the friend but never met the mom. Just being there seeing her and everyone else so upset made me so upset... I'm just an emotional person.) I'm glad you did go to your friend's graduation even though you weren't feeling well, it shows her you care!

Don't feel too badly about not exercising, when you're sick your body does need the rest. You can always focus on the exercise when you're doing better.

Good job on the weight/inches lost! Just remember, focus on getting better now, then you can focus on exercises. One thing you can be doing while sick is eating right, so at least you have that! Get better soon!
 
Hi Rho, I'm pretty new at this diary thing, I've only been on for a month now, but it's been very helpful to me. It gets really hard to check out new diary's but I'm trying to make it a point to at least visit one new one every day if I can. I liked reading about your gym issues. I felt EXACTLY the same way, I just dreaded getting my butt to the gym, but once I'm there I'm so happy I went. I've been going faithfully for over a year and finally just in the past month since I found this crazy group groove class at the gym, I can't wait to get there, which actually blows my mind. But I laughed my butt off when I read your thoughts on riding that damn stationary bike and going no where. I think about that everytime I get on that thing myself, it's nice to know I'm not alone on that one. Well, I better get going. I think your doing a great job and I really look forward to keeping up with your future ventures. Have a good one!!:D
Kim
 
Great to be back

Hello all,

It's great to be back! It's also great to feel great, especially after being really ill! I still feel a bit weak and tender like I've taken a proper punching, but I'm on the up!

Risty, never fear. This diary is a part of my life now, so unless I fall ill I'll be updating quite often (at least more often than I've done over the last 2 weeks). Thank you for the condolences - it's still sort of weird not having him in the office, but it's getting better. Once I'm done writing this, I'll go check your diary to see how you've been doing. Judging by your pictures, I'm sure you've been doing great!

Hey Miss Ladybug (cute name), at least you've been on here longer than I have! It's nice to meet someone with the same issues too, especially with the damn stationery bike! Grrrr.. Do you have any special mind tricks for dealing with that, I wonder, cos you've been so good (going for over a year!). Over the last week I've been thinking that maybe I can get round this cardio issue by doing cardio classes - they look like fun (I've never actually been to one), and chances are I'll work my butt off as I wouldn't want to look stupid in front of everyone :p . Good luck with your ventures too - I look forward to keeping track!

Ok, update..

Tomorrow's going to be my first workout in over a week (8 days to be specific), and it can't come soon enough! I've been focusing on getting better and eating and drinking well, so it came as a really pleasant surprise to note that I'd dropped to 208.6 lbs, a loss of 3lbs over the last 2 weeks. I'm really thankful that my eating habits are paying off, even though I haven't exercised in so long! D'you know something I've found? I actually feel clogged up if I don't have some green in every meal! I don't know if this is mental or physical, but I've noticed it anyway. It was my friend's daughter's birthday party and there was so much rice, chicken, plantain, etc, etc. But even though the food smelled GOOD, all I could think of was "Where's the salad to go with the rice?!" Silly me, eh.... I ended up having just a bit and giving up.

I went out on Friday night with my friends as my best friend's leaving the country permanently to take a job in a different country (another story) and I had 2 vodka shots which totally frazzled me as I'm not a drinker. But I danced like a maniac, and it wasn't until the next morning that I realised that I'd danced for near 4 hours straight! My thighs were so sore!! It's been a really long time since I've been able to dance for hours without becoming all gasped out. I guess the cardio is working, even though I still HATE IT!!!

I feel I have SOOO much to catch up on, read all my favourite diaries, see how everyone's coming along, update my ticker.... I'm so pleased I can do that. Today's a really happy day for me. Even though someone at work is royally pi**ing me off, I feel great in myself, my trousers are staying up with the aid of pins (yes, pins!).:D Even though I've not lost that much in the grand scheme of things, it feels wonderful to feel myself actually changing.. I guess it shows that I can do it if I put my mind to it. Of course, it also feels good to be able to eat without feeling guilty. When I was ill, the thing I was most worried about was food, cos I completely lost my appetite. But I FORCED myself to have breakfast without fail, and even when I couldn't bring myself to eat, I'd make myself drink a glass of orange juice so I kept my calories up.

It also feels good to have given my body some sort of a rest - that way I can go back into my workouts rejuvenated. I hope I'm not being overly optimistic cos I know how much I dislike cardio workouts.. Ok, so I have to choose between the spinning class, RPM (yet another bloody stationery bike but at least it's in a class with loads of people) OR Circuit (cross training). Don't know what to choose...
 
Oh my God. Just looked at my ticker, which I've just updated - I can't believe I've lost 7lbs already!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!! I can't wait to get into the 100's...
 
Rho, your doing fantastic, keep up the good work. What I do when I'm on the bike is put my head phones on and rock out to some good music. I LOVE music and it motivates me big time. My hubby bought me an IPOD last year for Christmas and I download all my favorites, I only like certain music to workout to, because it has to have some get up an go, or I just burn out. Once I have the music cranked up, I go into my own world and that works best for me. I'm a mary J Blige and Justin Timberlake kind of girl. I also love to workout to Pink and Christina Aguleria, *sp* any other time it's jazz and blues and old rock and roll. Just find some music you love and go for it! You should really try some of those cardio classes, it seems once I started those, that's when the weight started coming off. It's fun and it's good to have that change. I hope you have a great day, and I'm happy your feeling better!
Kim
 
Hey Miss Ladybug,

Just left a comment in your diary...

I think you're right - I find that in the gym when a tune I love is playing I work harder without even thinking about it, but when they play a song I hate, I just want to run out of the gym. I think maybe I should get an IPod too - at least a mini or nano one, so I can put in all the music I want and get jazzed up all the way through my workout. I like all sorts of music, but I find that when I go walking I prefer the heavier sorts of tracks - trance and heavy metal.. I'm really looking forward to the cardio class tomorrow - I've got my gym bag all packed already. The only thing stopping me from going today is that I didn't get any sleep last night (the Sunday night Insomnia devil attacks again!!) and I don't want to damage myself due to hallucination :)

I'm off home now to work on my dissertation and get some sleep, so I'll catch y'all later.
 
Rho, I added a response to the comments you made in my diary (regarding the black bean dip) hope it helps make more sense to you.
Kim
 
I know what you mean on the NO SLEEP machine. I was up and down about three times last night. I really doubt if I got more than 5 hours last night. Some nights I just can't shut down and Sunday nights are usually one of those days, it's good to know there are others having the same problem. Enjoy your cardio class, I can't wait to hear all about it.
Kim
 
Ooohh, off to the cardio class now...

As usual I've been quite good today. I had a nut muesli with fresh apple (in yoghurt/milk)...yumm...then during the day at work I had another apple...didn't finish it though...and then for lunch I had a mega sandwich (which is basically the same as a normal sandwich, except that I used 4 ham slices instead of 2). I realised that a ham slice is only 21 calories; for some reason I thought it was 81! So I've been eating less calories than I thought :confused: Ah well... I resisted the urge to binge on these lovely Marks & Spencer biscuits...finger curls... probably because I was too full anyway. I've just had a little pasta to give me energy for my spinning class tonight, and I'm now heading out of the office. I'm excited, but also scared...It's been so long! 8 days and it feels like much longer!

Tell you all about it later. Ciao people.
 
Whooo hoooo!

Have fun at the spinning class, it sounds like a lot of fun :)

It's awesome that you danced for 4 hours straight.

You are doing an excellent job at this weight loss thing and are very inspiring.

And only 9 pounds to go 'til you're in the 100's ....

you sooooo can do it!
 
Hey Rho! Congrats on the weight loss and holding your clothes up with pins! WOO! That's awesome :D

I'm glad you're feeling better now! I hope you enjoyed your workout, or at least enjoy that you did it! I think an Ipod would be a great idea for the gym. If it wasn't for my music at the gym, I wouldn't have gone. I can't stand doing cardio there and the only thing that gets me through it is my music. At least now I'm doing my CK class and I don't have to suffer at the gym at all! lol.

Great job on your eating and resisting the urge to binge! That's so awesome :D

Anyways, I have to get going to eat dinner and then get off to my upper body resistance. Thanks for all the support in my diary, I hope I am doing the same for you as you're doing for me :)
 
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