Phoenix quest **work in progress**

WorthIt

WorthIt

New member
CURRENT STATUS: Quietly Seeking Balance
OLD STATUS: getting my butt kicked in the fibro fight but winning the battle

And so it begins ... I created this coat I wear with choices I made over many years.

Now the time has come to woman up, accept that I abused my coat and it is time to become the tailor and recreate it.

I now choose to believe that there is beauty hidden beneath the fat I have stored in all of the pockets, the rips and tears, the carefully drawn lines of the surgeons knife.

I wear these scars as proof of a life full of challenges I overcame, even if I didn't do it perfectly, or right... I survived. They are a map of my life permanently etched into my skin. They were once fresh, open and sore, now smooth and almost pleasant to trace with the tip of my fingers, my badges of life.

Some of it is well earned, some of it was unnecessary but served it's purpose at the time, but all of it in combination represents the good and the bad decisions I have made over my adult life leading up to today. I can't change the scars nor do I want to.

I have allowed my coat to become heavy and cumbersome. It envelops me every second of every day of my life but it doesn't keep me warm, it makes me cold and numb.

I hide inside my house and inside the coat because being cold and numb is now safe and comfortable, I could easily walk away and keep the coat on because despite all it's flaws it's MY coat, I earned it therefore I wear it.

I have become accustomed to living in it, even made adjustments to my life so I can keep it on. The longer I wear it unaltered the longer I can keep my life the same, the longer I can hide, the longer I can keep using the Fibro as an excuse, the longer my family has to accept that I won't join them in many activities but rather sit by the side of the track and watch them race around laughing and playing.

I am always present with them, ever wrapped in my coat, I am there, I can witness their joy and be part of it from inside my coat where it is safe, and cold, and numb.

I can make them laugh by things I say.... from safely inside, and they always know where to find me... I'm sitting somewhere in the house ever available... safely inside. I'm always there when they need me, to talk, to sit in silence, to be referee, to be their reality check, to be their safe haven... from safely inside.

They can come to me, they can find me, I'm always here but I'm tired of being found, I want to start finding, I want to walk to them and with them instead of them having to walk to and away from me.

The cold makes me tired and complacent but I'm done with that I want/need/desire/deserve to reshape my coat and make it beautiful warm again.
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Getting started and random stuff along the way....

After I joined yesterday I didn't see my looooong intro in the New Member section coming http://weight-loss.fitness.com/newcomers/37694-new-member-caution-looooong.html . After I wrote it I cried, how on earth can I lay that all out there for everyone to see? What are people going to think of what I wrote? I hilighted the text numerous times and hovered over the delete key before I hit submit an hour later. There I did it, its out there now, I can still walk away and never hear a word of good/bad/ugly.

I imagined some sitting there reading it going "uh huh yeah whatever ... I have a story far worse" and I'm sure all of you have a story that got you here full of beauty, ugly, happy, sad, success and failure and I admire you for it.

I wonder what I would think in your shoes reading what I have written and I keep going in circles, wanting people to sympathize with me, wanting someone to understand, wanting people to accept my challenges as I have accepted them for so many years... with complacency.

I think please god don't let people be judgmental of me, I have that avenue covered well thank you very much. Then I realized I was doing what I obv need to do, I'm getting outside, I've peeked out of the top of my coat, I'm beginning to emerge in my own way with strangers, where it's safe, I know it's safe because I can just close the window. But I don't want to, I want to keep that window to outside open where I can see it from inside until I find the door.

So there it is, I'm here now and I intend to stay. I have no idea how much or little I will blog along the way (if my start was any indication I'm a little afraid to be honest) but even if I stopped today, just walked away, I have taken a look outside my coat and I like what I see so it is time to begin the journey and as I do I wonder how many people post once and disappear, I wonder how many people never post, I wonder how many stick around and succeed and what makes them different, I wonder.....
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So I have begun by making this Diary. I've always been great out of the gate with this kind of thing but as time goes on I'm also great at stopping. I'm going to take this one day at a time. I have great intentions to maintain this over my entire weight loss but that may mean times of being absent, times of letting this go for a while so I can heal in some other way, or I may post every single day, I don't know but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Now about the title, in ways it's beyond the symbolic Pheonix rising from the ashes. I have wanted a tattoo forever. I think that the back is one of the most sexy parts of a woman and that is where I want to put my phoenix. Unfortunately I'm wearing this coat and I refuse to do it until I can proudly wear it sooo.... that is my final ultimate goal, my phoenix tattoo on my back and thus the title of my Diary.
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Workouts....
Day/Length/comments

1/15min wii Fitness Trainer/great mentally! weee I have started! (dreading the morning) and holy waves of jiggle!
2/15min/ WFT/ happy I'm back for day two, omg are you serious with the pain level.... not feeling very happy today either
3/15min/WFT/ forcing myself back, supposed to be a day off but I feel I need to do this... Pain level ... just wow... on the up side, found my sports bra so a little jiggle has been tamed woot!
4/17 min walk/ felt good although I'm not sure the dog would agree (she is a lazy butt so this is good for her!!) started stiffening up within an hour **pout**
5/30min WFT / mentally ... unsure ... physically on the fence, feel awesome that I'm on day 5 pain levels still very high but proud to make it thru 30 mins
6/40min walk 1mile/ beautiful day! Walked east to the Elmwood sign
7/ DAY OFF
8/30min cardio 15 min core WFT/ Pain levels back to "normal" after the day off, today felt good but was cursing myself by the end of the core
9/15min WFT/ bad fibro day
10/ 30min WFT/ tomorrow is the first "progress test" on the wii , should be interesting, pain levels increased throughout the day weather isn't helping
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Progress 1
11/15min plus progress test WFT/ progress showed I have improved :) unfortunately my measurements weren't accurate first time round so we are at a fresh start with them. I find that I'm avoiding upper body workouts, need to change that, pretty sure it's pain related.

I also need to come to terms with missing a day, there have been days that I have forced myself to work out but I still feel guilt that it was only 15 minutes. I question whether I could have done more in the day when I do short workouts and I always feel unsure if I do have more in me to make it longer but still use the fibro as an excuse. I find that this also is possibly effecting my calorie intake which def isn't ideal at the moment.
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12/40min walk 1.8miles/walked normal route with Miss Gabby then West to the Community Center ~~~note to self downhill there means uphill back (you would have thought that would be obvious huh?)
13/2hr **wink**
14/ Sunday=Day off
14/ day off **sigh** feel cruddy that I didn't work out today, ran deep in poker and by the time I was done was too late and I was worn out
15/25min/1mile walk
16/45min/2mile walk
17/ fibro won
18/30min WFT core workout
19/Poker ran 12 hours, no workout
20/
 
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Progress Tracking

Start 04/01/10 246
Measurements: Arms: Legs: Hips: Waist: Chest:
10/01/10 243
17/01/10 237
24/01/10 234
31/01/10
January Total:
Measurements: Arms: Legs: Hips: Waist: Chest:
07/02/10
14/02/10 Valentines Challenge end weight
21/02/10
28/02/10
Feb Total:
Measurements: Arms: Legs: Hips: Waist: Chest:
 
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Calorie Intake
Not sure on this one but we'll give it a go goal 1500/day

Day 1 1575
Day 2 XXXX
Day 3 XXXX
~~~~~~~ started FitDay Calorie counter
Day 4 912 noticing I don't eat until late in the day
Day 5 1230
Day 6 1046
Day 7 1167
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -3lbs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 8 922
Day 9 1230
Day 10 1171
Day 11 773
Day 12 419
Day 13 720
Day 14 1041
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -6lbs -9lbs total~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 15 1213 yay !
Day 16 938
Day 17 1181
Day 18 1312
Day 19 577
Day 20 333 boooo
Day 21
~~~~~~~~~~~~~-3lbs -12lbs total~~~~~~~~~~
 
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Don't worry about being judged here. We've all bared our souls in one way or the other and everyone is here to support you. Yes, we all have a story that got us here and and now we are helping one another with this chapter. It's time for a new story, a new beginning. Lean on this web site like a cane to help you walk and breathe. Talking about all those emotions which landed you here WILL help you heal and find balance.
 
Veronica, damn you made me cry again, I'm starting to see a trend here.. post cry...post cry... read reply cry sheesh! lol but it's good :) I haven't cried in a long time and I've had a lot to cry about and didn't allow myself .. tears not spent can become toxic. So thank you and thank you for stepping on my path
 
Holy hannah! Srsly???? I get credit on FitDay for gettin' a little somethin somethin with my hubby ?? now I should have known that but it didn't even come close to crossing my mind to add it into my daily "activities" ... I think I'll keep this little gem to myself .... for now ;)
 
I read the whole intro, it was pretty long. In fact, it convinced me to write mine. Not quite as long but pretty long none the less. Keep on it, you will get to where you want to be.
 
Hi Muddy, thanks for reading I'm so glad it encouraged you to introduce yourself!

A huge congrats on completing the Academy, that's an awesome achievement and losing the pounds while doing it gives you a nice kick start to this new lifestyle... eeeexcellent ! I'm looking forward to watching you take on this challenge especially since as you mentioned we both have very similar goals, perhaps we can help each other learn a little along the way.
 
Managing the pain is proving a challenge but I feel like 5 days in I'm managing it if only barely. I'm keeping everything low impact even when the Wii lady is bouncing along merrily, my heart rate is up and I keep moving throughout so for now I'm calling that good.

When I started I told myself that I would suck up the pain and work through it plain and simple... problem.. it's not that simple.... I need to fully and truthfully assess my pain and make sure it's "good" pain, nothing torn or injured.
 
Thanks Neil, I'm learning that although I have learned a lot of tricks and methods over the years to manage the Fibro pain a major part of that was by being sedentary.... sore muscles at rest don't hurt. So I'm on a learning curve again. I refuse to go back to prescription route.. one pill to go to sleep, one pill to wake up, and however many pills to make it not hurt, I can't live like that and I'm at peace with that decision.
I'm getting my butt kicked in the fight with Fibro right now but ultimately I'll win the battle.

So how are you making out? Are you planning on blogging at all ?
 
Yea. I'm thinking on starting mine tomarrow. One thing I gotta do is get a scale that works. I thought this one was ok as long as I only used it, but I'm finding out that it weighs different depending on which way you happen to be leaning at the time. Also, one second I step on it and it says 286.8 and then I step right back up and it will say 288.6. I donno just gotta get a consistant one.
Keep on trucking I know it hurts but I think the more weight you lose the less it will hurt. I know it will not go away but it just seems that it would hurt less with less stress on your body. I know it doesn't compare but in the academy my legs hurt like they never have on long runs. The only thing I could think of was that I wasn't used to running with that much weight on them. I mean let's face it, I didn't gain all that weight by running all the time lol.

Keep with it. It will pay off in the long run.
Neil
 
I can see how that scale would be counterproductive but it would sure make things interesting ;)
I'm looking forward to your diary :)
I think you are right, carrying around another 1/3rd of myself that I truly don't need to carry must have a negative impact on the fibro, its amazing the messes we get ourselves into.
Today the family is home so no Wii workout, I can't subject them to the wiggle jiggle, that would be unkind ;) lol. I'm going to walk later with Miss Gabby. Weekends are prime time for poker so I'm going to workout on the felts for now ;)
 
A very welcome surprise today, pain levels are down to about a 6 :coolgleamA:
Also on the upside I'm eating more during the day... hmmmm ... perhaps a connection between the two....
I'm looking forward to walking later :)
 
What a beautiful day here today. Sunny and bright but very brisk (-12ish), we don't get a lot of days like today during the winter here, the sun is a rare commodity.

I took Gabby for a short walk, she is getting on in years so I don't want to push her too fast, she pretty much tells me when she has had enough and it's time to head home. Then Miss Emily and I walked "out of town".

We live in a village and out of town isn't far. There are 4 ways in and out and 3 of the 4 have hills pretty much starting right at the edge of town, even better is they are different kinds of hills, one is hyuuuuuge going down and back up again, one is rolling hills, and the other is a loooong steady grade, I'm in the middle of walk heaven ! (or hell depending on which day you will ask me I would guess ;) ).

All totaled I walked a mile today and I likely could have walked further but decided not to anger the fibro gods and appreciate this day of manageable pain :)

Tonite we went out to dinner at A&W. I was a little hesitant at first but I researched calorie counts online before we went and planned what I was going to have.

3 chicken strips 300cal
1 green salad 40cal
plum sauce 43cal
Light Italian dressing 53cal
Water
Total 436cal

That made it a little easier but that poutine was certainly calllllin my name. I just reminded myself that tomorrow is my first weigh in and how sick would it be to sabotage any progress I had made... it was a pretty easy to say no and that felt good :)
 
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