"People don't see past the weight".

T

treasureBelle

New member
Sorry, long post... but it's just something I've been thinking about recently. :lurk5:

"People don't see past the weight."
Something I hear a lot from fellow overweight people (and something I used to say and think myself) in terms of looking for love/that sort of thing. It used to get me down, but in the past year or so, I've found that I have changed my mindset and it doesn't bother me so much any more.

The thing is, I don't get offended when people don't fancy me at this weight, who would fancy me if I were slimmer, for several reasons:

-The way I see it, looks are a major factor in attraction. Sometimes you can like a person, but not fancy them... and looks play their part in that. Call it shallow or whatever you like, but the fact is that we do (at least partly) fancy people based on looks - it's human nature. I feel that everyone's entitled to their preferences, and it's not a bad thing. Some people prefer blondes, some people prefer tall men... in the same way (imo), some people prefer slimmer people.

- If a person is fit and healthy, then I don't see it as unreasonable for them to want a partner who is the same.

-When I lost weight, I found I DID change as a person. I was more active, I ate differently, I didn't dread exercise (rather, I looked forward to it), I was more outgoing and confident. Having put the weight back on again, I find I'm not the same person now, as I was when I had lost weight. It doesn't mean I see myself as being a "bad" person in comparison, just different.

Basically, I'm not bothered if I'm rejected for relationships because of my weight. I obviously prefer it if this rejection isn't done rudely, but it's not a big deal. It's happened before, but I just take it like I would every other rejection and move on. :)

Btw, I'm not saying overweight people can't find relationships or anything, nor that we don't deserve to. Just the way I see it, everyone has their own preferences of what they want in a partner, and if some people want a partner who isn't overweight, I don't think they should be demonised for that.

I also find that having something in common is another factor. If I'm overweight, adore junk food and live a very sedentary lifestyle (as I have done when not on WW), what will I have in common with someone super-fit who runs several km every morning, rarely eats junk food, and enjoys activities such as hillwalking and mountain biking?

I know a lot of overweight people who complain that people "just can't see past the weight". (I used to do that, until my mindset changed.) The thing is, of those of us who do that... how many of us fancy other overweight people? I'm not saying people who are overweight aren't fanciable, btw, or that we can't find relationships. It's just that, if you expect/want people to "see past the weight", then surely you should be doing the same thing too?
I know there are overweight couples... it's just I also know overweight people who don't fancy others "because s/he's fat", when they are fat themselves.

Often when we use this complaint, it's about fit and healthy people not being able to "see past the weight". But often, isn't the fact that they are fit and healthy, part of the reason we fancy that person/find them attractive?


Just thought I'd share the thought... I understand not everyone shares my viewpoint. :)
 
:)

This is such an interesting subject. Very delicate. You can make people angry with this in two seconds. So, I hope that what I'm going to write is not going to upset or hurt anybody.
I believe the majority of people are not attracted to overweight people. I think it has to do with biology. If I see someone more then 30, 40 lbs overweight (for some poeple even less) my mind says I would not want to reproduce with this person because they are not healthy. So my offspring won't be healthy. How would this person keep his family safe and provide? Same with an overweight woman.
Especially that when we're overweight the chances of us living a long healthy life are not very good.
So, we might not actually rationalize these thoughts but I think that that's what it's all about.
It has nothing to do with what a great personality one is. One can be amazing overweight or skinny.
At the beginning of my weight loss journey I was 188.8. I did not feel attractive at all, I know I wasn't. I hated it when my friends told me "somebody will see you for who you really are". So what does that mean? That once they see my great personality they will be attracted to me? No, to me that meant they will give me the let's be friends speech.
Yes, I know there are exceptions out there, but to me they few and far between.
So I came to the conclusion that as long as I allowed myself to be fat, I had no right to expect people to just accept it and be attracted to it.
(I have to add in here that I think it's different for those overweight people who can't seem to loose weight because of medical reasons. There is a limit to what they can do).
So, after I decided I'm tired of being a slob (that's what I felt like ) I started doing ww.
Good luck to me and all the other weight loss warriors!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I actually experienced quite the opposite. A lot of overweight people I know, especially women, have rather attractive partners, who don't care about their weight at all.

I think it all has to do with how you see yourself. If you're a miserable, boring person who doesn't look after themselves, it doesn't matter if you're big or skinny, and it works the same way the other way around.

Until a few years ago, I never had problems with my weight, and I was nearly 400 lbs at some point. I didn't let it stop me from doing stuff though. I looked after myself, went out, met new people. I never struggled to make friends. I never struggled to make more than friends, either. Men aren't just attracted to the skinny girls. Oh no. You'd be surprised.

Last year I lost a lot of weight. Over 120 lbs. Went from 350 to 240. A lot of people noticed. Mostly the wrong ones. People I didn't like, who never said anything to me. Who sniggered behind my back when I got into the car. Now they're all nice and whatnot. You know what? I told them to go to hell. The people who judge 'a book by the cover' aren't worth my time. And shouldn't be worth anybody else's.

For me, not being able to look past the weight of somebody falls into the same category as not being able to look past the gender, race, colour, beliefs or disability of somebody. Those people are just not worth it.

And just as a side note...when I went down to 240 lbs, my personality changed as well. But not for the better. I noticed that I was a lot more impatient, stressed out easily, was suffering from mood swings, couldn't cope with things that would usually not have bothered me, and so on.

People make it sound as if losing weight is the magic pill for everything, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, losing weight is good. If you want to do it, do it. It will improve your health, you'll be around for longer, and it will most likely ease a lot of the physical problems that come with excess weight.

It will not, however, suddenly make your life perfect. I have seen people who said 'If I just lose that weight, everything will be ok'. They lost the weight, and guess what? Nothing changed. They are the same people, with the same problems, and ultimately, your character doesn't change because you lose weight. Or at least, it shouldn't. You might be a little more outgoing, less shy, less unsure of yourself, if those were problems you had, but ultimately, you are the same person.

And you should never, ever, lose weight for other people. Never. The only person who matters is you. It's your body, your health. If you want it, fine. Go for it!! But if you only lose weight so 'the others' will like you, you set yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
 
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I will say this. As I've lost the weight I have (which is quite a considerable amount) I have noticed strangers and friends have been a nicer to me.

It's hard to explain, but people in the street make more small talk with me than they did before. People who work in shops make more small talk and they smile more at me than they did before (this is both men and women - so it's not a sexual thing) and my mates are more involved and open to doing more stuff than they did before.

I'm definately not imagining this. And I did put it completely down to the weightloss, but maybe I have changed as a person as well? I mean I didn't think I really had initially. Personality wise I'm the same, but willing to do a little more and not be lazy I guess.

I think the bottom line is that people always, always judge you initially on how you look, so being thinner is that little bit of a bonus. But you need something inside you (fundimentally a good personality and be a decent person) to back it up.
 
I agree that people should loose weight for themselves and not look at weight loss as a magic pill. But I don't agree with the comment that weight is like race or gender. One has no control over their race but one sure can be careful to not get to 400 lbs, or loose 400 lbs.
The reason people are nicer to skinnier people is because suddenly there is more in common with them and the akward pity factor is gone. Many skinny people pity the very overweight even though they might not admit it.
At 188.8 I wasn't exactly small ( :) ), and even though I want to loose weight for me, I sure want to show all those people that gave me "those looks" that weight does not hold me hostage.
 
Joilgirl said:
But I don't agree with the comment that weight is like race or gender.
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I didn't say that it was the same. I said that somebody who isn't capable of looking past another person's weight wouldn't be able to look past somebody else's race, gender etc. either. To me, somebody who judges a person by their weight is close-minded, arrogant and certainly not somebody I would want anything to do with.

And I disagree about people being nicer when you're skinnier. I have seen the exact opposite. When I was big, there was always a friendly word at the checkout at the supermarket, complete strangers would start a conversation in shops about the odd thing. When I lost the weight, a lot of that went away. I have seen it with other people too.

But experiences differ, so that doesn't matter. What I originally meant to say was that somebody who rejects me solely because of my weight is somebody that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with when I'm skinny either. Those people aren't worth the time of the day.

As for 'those looks' and the people behind those looks...screw them. They don't matter. I don't have to show them anything. There is one reason I am losing weight, and one reason only. Me. Because I'm worth it.
 
San said:
I didn't say that it was the same. I said that somebody who isn't capable of looking past another person's weight wouldn't be able to look past somebody else's race, gender etc. either. To me, somebody who judges a person by their weight is close-minded, arrogant and certainly not somebody I would want anything to do with.

And I disagree about people being nicer when you're skinnier. I have seen the exact opposite. When I was big, there was always a friendly word at the checkout at the supermarket, complete strangers would start a conversation in shops about the odd thing. When I lost the weight, a lot of that went away. I have seen it with other people too.

But experiences differ, so that doesn't matter. What I originally meant to say was that somebody who rejects me solely because of my weight is somebody that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with when I'm skinny either. Those people aren't worth the time of the day.

As for 'those looks' and the people behind those looks...screw them. They don't matter. I don't have to show them anything. There is one reason I am losing weight, and one reason only. Me. Because I'm worth it.
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I highly doubt that statement is anywhere near correct..
 
I'm not sure why but I think I was more outgoing when I was overweight (180-224). I find I don't speak up as much as I did or socialize nearly as much as I used to now that I'm slimmer (160). I loved my personality when I was overweight and now I just feel regular - nothing stands out. I also think I had more fun when I was overweight - could just be that I'm growing up and that is what's causing these changes but I find it odd.
I never had a problem attracting the opposite sex and I think it was because I had self confidence which is something I now think I lack. I met my hubby when I was around 186 pounds and had many boyfriends even when I was over 200 - I think it depends a lot how you carry yourself. If you smile it goes a long way.
 
San said:
Which is your prerogative.

I stand by it nonetheless.
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Im just curious why you would think people that don't like fat people are raciest and or sexist?

and my prerogative huh???

Definition of PREROGATIVE
1
a : an exclusive or special right, power, or privilege: as (1) : one belonging to an office or an official body (2) : one belonging to a person, group, or class of individuals (3) : one possessed by a nation as an attribute of sovereignty b : the discretionary power inhering in the British Crown
2
: a distinctive excellence

Maybe my opinion...
 
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Primevci said:
Im just curious why you would think people that don't like fat people are raciest and or sexist?

and my prerogative huh???

Definition of PREROGATIVE
1
a : an exclusive or special right, power, or privilege: as (1) : one belonging to an office or an official body (2) : one belonging to a person, group, or class of individuals (3) : one possessed by a nation as an attribute of sovereignty b : the discretionary power inhering in the British Crown
2
: a distinctive excellence

Maybe my opinion...
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You said you highly doubt that the statement was anywhere near correct. I replied that it was your prerogative. Meaning that it is your prerogative (your power and privilege) to doubt me and the statement I made. Perfectly correct in the context.

And I stated that somebody who is incapable of looking past another person's weight, which is purely physical and has no effect whatsoever on who the person is, is prejudiced, plain and simple. If they can't look past such a 'small' flaw, there is a good chance that they will struggle a lot more with things of more serious nature. Of course there are always exceptions, like anywhere else in life.
 
San said:
You said you highly doubt that the statement was anywhere near correct. I replied that it was your prerogative. Meaning that it is your prerogative (your power and privilege) to doubt me and the statement I made. Perfectly correct in the context.

And I stated that somebody who is incapable of looking past another person's weight, which is purely physical and has no effect whatsoever on who the person is, is prejudiced, plain and simple. If they can't look past such a 'small' flaw, there is a good chance that they will struggle a lot more with things of more serious nature. Of course there are always exceptions, like anywhere else in life.
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Yeah i still think its the Word Opinion you are looking for its not a privilege to doubt u that makes no sense.. on the other hand all of us are on here to lose weight so does that all make us racist? sexist? we dont like the way we look "over weight"
 
Primevci said:
Yeah i still think its the Word Opinion you are looking for its not a privilege to doubt u that makes no sense.. on the other hand all of us are on here to lose weight so does that all make us racist? sexist? we dont like the way we look "over weight"
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I am not looking for any word, I already found it, thanks a lot. Maybe it would help if you read the definition that you put up again, carefully. It holds the solution to your confusion.
A little pointer: an exclusive or special right, power, or privilege. Or, not and. It's your right to doubt me.
It's your opinion that my statement is wrong.
It's your right to doubt the statement that has been made.
Can we drop this now? It doesn't do anything for the thread, really.

And speak for yourself, please. I for one have no problem with me 'looking overweight'. I would never judge a person because they are overweight. I would never take an instant dislike to somebody just because of their looks. Of course first impressions count, I am not going to lie, but I am way above thinking something like 'Oh, they're fat, don't want anything to do with them.'

So if you want to lose weight because you dislike the way you look, then that is your own opinion about yourself (there is your favourite word, opinion), and it is your prerogative to lose weight for that reason.

Personally, I want to lose weight because being overweight is putting my health at risk and seriously shortens the time that I have left for the things I want to do. But I guess we all have different reasons for doing what we are doing. To each their own.
 
San said:
I am not looking for any word, I already found it, thanks a lot. Maybe it would help if you read the definition that you put up again, carefully. It holds the solution to your confusion.
A little pointer: an exclusive or special right, power, or privilege. Or, not and. It's your right to doubt me.
It's your opinion that my statement is wrong.
It's your right to doubt the statement that has been made.
Can we drop this now? It doesn't do anything for the thread, really.

And speak for yourself, please. I for one have no problem with me 'looking overweight'. I would never judge a person because they are overweight. I would never take an instant dislike to somebody just because of their looks. Of course first impressions count, I am not going to lie, but I am way above thinking something like 'Oh, they're fat, don't want anything to do with them.'

So if you want to lose weight because you dislike the way you look, then that is your own opinion about yourself (there is your favourite word, opinion), and it is your prerogative to lose weight for that reason.

Personally, I want to lose weight because being overweight is putting my health at risk and seriously shortens the time that I have left for the things I want to do. But I guess we all have different reasons for doing what we are doing. To each their own.
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woohoo you used the word correctly!! its not my special right to doubt you.. oh im done with the subject so ill let you have last word seems like you need it..
 
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Hi

Well, it's easy to look past the weight when you make a new friend, or if a family member is overweight. You just accept them for who they are and that's that.
I think it's different when one is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Because it's not just the personality that one is suposed to like. If you are not attracted to overweight people (don't mean 10 or 20lbs extra, although....)
how are you just going to "look past it"? It does not work like that.
And that doesn't make one racist or sexist.
 
What is the difference between making a new friend, or looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend? You see the person, and decide if you want to get to know them better or not. If you have a problem with their weight, you wouldn't consider them for either. Contrary to what a lot of people think, very few people go just by the looks of somebody. A lot of people find themselves surprised by falling for somebody who they would 'never have considered' before, simply because they didn't judge by looks, but gave the person a chance and got to know them better.

As said, everybody is different, but from my experience, a lot of overweight people have a rather negative attitude towards themselves. I've heard 'Oh, I'm fat, they won't like me anyway' an awful lot of times, and I just don't get it. What does the size of ones bum have to do with who they are?

You're saying that it's not just personality that people look for in a partner. I don't know. Maybe some do. Again, it's a concept that I don't understand. If they met somebody who has the perfect personality, was just perfect for them in any way apart from their physical appearance, would they really throw that away just because of looks? Wouldn't that be....stupid? And awfully close-minded? Sad really, but I guess some people really are that way.
 
There is a difference between how it should be and how it is. Honestly, one does not have sex with the "personality".
I don't see why somebody who is not attracted to fat is closeminded. Being attracted to somebody who is in shape does not make a person shallow.
 
Did you just say that an overweight person lacks character? What does weight have to do with character?
 
Not being attracted to a person who is overweight does not not make anybody shallow, true.

Seeing that a person is fat and dismissing them as not being worth the time of the day is.

As for sex....sex is not everything.

And overweight people lack character? Thanks for proving my point about some people being arrogant and close minded. Perfect example right there. Sorry, but that is one of the most ridiculous and downright dumb comments I have ever seen on this board.
 
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