One day at a time...

MysticBlue

MysticBlue

New member
Dear Diary...

I am a 35 year old single female. I live in an apartment with my awesome dog :) I have struggled with weight all my life. I just hopped on the scale and I am at 307.8 lbs which is the biggest i have ever been. I am 5'8" tall. I used to hover around 200.00 lbs (give or take 20) but then a series of incidents happened that apparently I did not handle very well and I put on 100.00 lbs.

The smallest I have been in my adult life was 163.00 lbs approximately 5 years ago. Seems like a lot but I actually looked pretty good. I was feeling great, working out at a gym... and enjoying my new body. I lost the weight too quickly, however, on the Dr. Bernstein's diet (lost a lot of my hair too). I did manage to keep it off for a while though by working out. But then I found out my boyfriend of 4 years got another girl pregnant and... well, lets just say it crushed me. I broke up with him, and re-started a destructive relationship with food. At the same time as the boyfriend drama, my grandma who played a huge role in raising me, and my most favorite person in the world, passed away. More food for comfort.

Also at the same time, I started a new job (my current job). I work a punishing shift work schedule changing shifts every week... from Days to Afts to Nights, only getting one weekend off a month. My body never gets used to any one shift. On top of that, it is a VERY stressful job with great responsibility and a sometimes volatile work force. I am in management. Any mistake I make could potentially cost someone's life... or cost the company 1,000,000 dollars. The union environment can be very harsh and unfriendly - it plays on the emotions.

I have started to lose weight about 10 - 15 times over the past two years. Always losing 10 lbs and then something happens in my personal or professional life where I just say "forget it" and eat for comfort. Well... I can't do that anymore. Why? I can't handle letting myself down again. Other reasons for losing weight include:
- Being able to walk my dog instead of letting him roam on a retractable leash around in a park while I sit on a bench.
- To be able to perform my job better (there are times of physicality and one of these days I am just not going to be able to do it if I don't lose weight).
- Increased energy, self-esteem, health, longevity, decrease in back/knee/hip/foot pain... etc.

I joined a gym today. Took a lot of guts for me. And it will take a lot of guts for me to go in there and be the 300 lbs girl on the treadmill. I would have just gotten a treadmill but my apartment doesn't really have the room for it. My joints hurt while walking on cement... terribly. My Doctor recommended starting out on a treadmill... so off to join the gym I went. The gym is literally 3 doors down from my apartment so I figure i have no excuse.. and i have decided to go after work. It's open 24 hours a day so that is a great thing for me. Plus I remember how proud of myself I used to be when I went to the gym. I want that feeling again. I may only be able to do 5 or 10 minutes to start... but it's a start ;-)

So that's where I am at. I bought a lock for the gym locker... and plan on going on my way home in the morning. Wish me luck :)
 
I guess I should add that I will be eating a lot smarter too. I plan on eating lean meats, fruit and vegetables. I cut out gluten for almost 3 weeks a few weeks ago after reading some of the symptoms of gluten intolerance and I felt great when I didn't eat it. My aches and pains were cut in half! I went off of this while on vacation last week but I am back eating this way. It's been only 48 hours and I can already feel a difference. I need to do more research on gluten intolerance.

A special thank-you to the individual who PM'd me with advice. I really appreciate it. I cannot respond because I haven't been a member for 5 days yet :)
 
Just wanted to say welcome to the board and that we will do all that we can to support and help you on your journey. Thank you for such an honest and heartfelt introduction -I'm looking forward to getting to know you!!

Good luck with the gym - it all starts with small steps. When I think back to just how difficult and painful it was to do any exercise when I was 240lbs compared to now - I never would have believed you if you told me I'd be going out running for fun! It just takes time and commitment.

Hope to see you around lots!
Jay
 
Welcome to the site!

You've made some great steps already - joining the gym, changing your eating habits and starting this journal - so well done!

What you said about walking your dog really touched me, what a kind and lovely thing to aim for.

I hope that whilst you're here you get the support you need to reach your goals :)
 
Mystic

I will chime in and wish you luck. It looks like your off to a great start. Take it one day at a time. We know you can do this and we are here for you.
 
Welcome in! Keep coming back for accountability and stop by other folks journals too. It haelps to have friends to accompany you on your journey. We don't judge and we'd like to help out if we can.
 
Thank you very much HighZone and thecabbie :)

Worked midnights last night. A very busy night. Moved around probably 3x more than i usually do on a shift so I guess that was a good thing. Went to the gym after work. I felt a whole lot better walking into the changing room in my oversized sweatshirt than when I walked out in my T-Shirt. Gym wasn't too busy... only a few people. Had some eyes on me... but no snickering so that's ok with me. First time on a treadmill in probably 5 years. I thought I would only be able to do or 10 minutes (aches, pains, poor fitness) but I managed 20 minutes at speed 2.5. Had to flip through my ipod to find songs to sync with that speed... Too Funky by George Michael was a good one! When i was thinner and used to go on the treadmill I would vary the speed of it to the beat of whatever song I was playing. If it was a slower beat, I would raise the incline. I miss those days. I tried speeding it up for a faster song but started to get shin splints. Better off not pushing it to start off anyway. While I was walking I remembered what a great stress relief working out is. I remember be stressed or frustrated, putting on a killer song and pushing myself to the max and always felt so good after. So I am sure if I continue to go after work on a regular basis it will help a lot with my work stress.

Eating has been going very well. Chicken, veggies, fruit yesterday. Good stuff.

A little too jacked to go to bed right now though. But a lot of that has to do with caffeine. I had a cup too late (er, early?) this morning. Bah! Just called Mom though and am about to leave with my dog for a visit to their house. Going to cook her an egg white, mushroom and onion omelette. then I'll have to come back home and go to bed.

Hope everyone else has a wonderful day.
 
It looks like you are on the right path to your destination... Good luck! You are not the only one on this trip, there are a lot of us with you!

Great Job!
 
Mystic, I'm a night shifter too, so I can relate. The treadmill sounds like it worked out for you also so thats a good thing. Always good when we can do more than we expected.
 
Thank you iq_rider and thecabbie :))

So it's been 3 days of eating well... I weighed myself when I got up this evening (on midnights) and I am down 7 pounds??? !! Been drinking lots of water. Must be that I have flushed out some retained water. Haven't had much salt either which I am sure is helping things. I started eating well on Monday so I will change my ticker stats on Mondays every week.
 
Mystic

Thats fantastic! I think your going to have great success! You should consider eating 5 smaller meals a day or once every 3 hrs. Breakfast being the biggest and most important. I saw a phrase once that made a lot of sense to me.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.
 
Very, very cool! And yes, the idea of posting official changes once a week is a pretty good one. It tends to equalize out some peaks and valleys sometimes.

You're on a roll now right?
 
Well done on getting started Mystic - sounds like a good session at teh gym! Seriously, I wouldn't worry about people looking at you! I started off thinking everyone at my gym was soooo slim and georgeous (or very nearly there...) and I was huge and wobbly, and that they were all looking at me and laughing. But actually, when I got to know a few people - a lot of them had started out fat and lost the weight and their attitude was actually "good on you, I remember how hard it was to get going" and "you'll get there" rather than judging me on how disgusting I thought I must look on the machines. Plus, those that are too shallow to be on that wavelength are usually more worried about how THEY look themselves!!

re the 7lbs = that's fantastic! I remember when I got started, the first lot of lbs jsut FELL off so fast and it was so motivating. Really made me realise that I can do this so I hope you are feelign the same! YOU CAN DO THIS!
 
I think you will find the same thing as what jjjay experienced. You should have a good amount of weight come off initially just by the changes you have made already.
 
Couldn't go to the gym this morning after work - was way too tired. So I did the smart thing and went home to sleep and awoke in the early afternoon and went then. I was a little worried that once I was home, I wouldn't venture out when I got up. But once I awoke, I actually found that I wanted to go. Weird :p

I actually did 30 mins today! Woot!! This from the girl felt like she couldn't walk for even 5 mins a week ago. I increased my speed too and was walking between 2.6 and 2.8 depending on the song I was listening too. I love music. I live in an apartment though and feel like I can't listen to it like I want too without rousing the neighbors so I don't even have a good sounding stereo anymore. BUT recently I bought really good quality earbuds for my ipod and I am finding myself really enjoying listening to my favorite songs while on the treadmill. I don't even have to turn it up really loud (don't want any hearing damage), its just such good quality it's like surround sound in my head! Ha.

I found my one knee a little sore today while walking. I had injured that knee 5 or 6 years ago and find that it aches sometimes. So I kept my hands on the handrails for balance to minimize any side to side motion. Didn't hurt a lot... just enough to let me know it's still there. I am going to buy a tensor bandage for it tomorrow and wear that while walking for a while. Better safe than sorry. I found my hips felt a bit loser today too which was great.

** Highzone. I have eaten smaller meals thoughout the day on previous weight loss attempts. I find it works very well. Because I switch shifts every week, I find that I can't eat the same way all the time. 5 small meals through out the day when I am on Days works very well. I have some success doing it on Afternoons too but on midnights... well, it just doesn't work as well. On nights I just listen to what my body wants.

**thecabbie. Yes, I try to keep off of the scale between weekly weigh ins but find I get on it almost everyday - curiosity gets the best of me :) But I am well aware of the fluctuations our bodies experience so will only record once a week. Thank you for stopping by :)

**jjjay. Oh I don't really mind people looking. I remember working out at that same gym 6 years ago weighing 148 lbs LESS than I weigh now (yikes) and looking at the larger people. I think it's just natural to look. BUT I was thinking thoughts like "wow, good for you, you go!". So looking is fine. It's smirking, etc that I was a bit worried about. But actually, now I don't even care. I look straight ahead while on the treadmill at the TV's or close my eyes and get lost in the music. I don't look left to where the other people are and I certainly don't look right towards to mirrors! Not yet anyway :)

Well, tonight is my last midnight shift - YAY. Then I have 4 days off and don't go back until Wednesday on Days. Will have to devote some time to cleaning up my apartment this weekend. I find when I let myself go physically I also let others things slack. Those dishes in the sink have been in there WAY too long. My skin is in need of a good home facial, my cuticles need trimming and my hair has some bad roots. I have made myself a hair appointment for tomorrow though for highlights.
 
I think the changing shifts are soo much harder to work around than just staying with a straight night or day shift. Have fun with those...

I love my ipod, it is literally the only thing that can keep me on a stationary bike for longer than 15 minutes. Good job with the 30 minutes of walking today. Very serious changes you are making. :hug2: keep it up!
 
I had one of my best nights ever on Midnights. I barely felt tired at all. I was alert, in a fairly good mood, and smiling. Think it may be the exercise. AND... I think I have gained some mental clarity since the puzzle game that I have been stuck on FOREVER suddenly became easy to do. And while all of this is amazing in itself (a 180 degree turn from the usual sad, tired, grumpy, foggy person I am on Nights) I even started ToM last night and still feel good. Now I wish I would have started exercising ages ago!

Went to the gym this morning on my way home from work. Treadmill for 33 mins between speeds 2.7 and 3.1. At one point there was literally no one else in the gym so I walked a good song for about 5 mins at 3.1. Let me tell ya, at this point that's bookin' it for this body. Sweated TONS.

Then stopped at the drug store and bought some cream for my face. I have some sun damage on my face... l call it 'freckles gone wild'. Hopefully this stuff will work in time. I am going to have to have a pretty face for my new body :) Hair appointment at 4:30 today. So far so good!
 
Ooops, forgot to add... Thanks thecabbie :) I couldn't exercise without my ipod either. Thanks for the encouragement.
 
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