Nothing To Loose - That is the goal

back to basics

Get back to basics, and write everything down for a while. You can do it! Hang in there and keep your eye on your goal. :)
 
Thank you all for support! Sorry I've been neglecting the diaries, life just has been crazy lately!

Other then staying on track with calories, I also need to get myself in shape in 2 weeks for a horse competition which I'm thinking of riding in July 1st.
I know I can do it, so I'm off to exercising!!!
 
Hey Nl,
Where you been??? Hope all is well, I see your green light on, so i am guessing you are updating right now :D Have a gREAT Day and Drink your WATER!!!!!:p
 
So that's what the green light means!
I tell ya, I learn something new every day around here :D

NTL, I hope you're doing well, I agree with Twinmom, getting back to basics, and counting those calories is a good way to get focused and make informed eating choices!

You CAN do this!!
 
Thanks, all! Work has been busy, so I have not been able to post.

I have not been here for a while. Unfortunately, I measured myself yesterday and I realized that I gained 3/4 of an inch in my hips since last month. Then I measured myself this morning and I lost 1/2 inch in waiste and 1/2 inch in hips since yesterday!!! How can that happen??? I thought measurement fluctuations apply only to weight, and the tape does not lie??? I'm having a crisis here of my belief about the "absoluteness" of tape measure being wrong. At this point, I don't know which measurement to believe, yesterday's or today's. Since I always measured myself in the evening, for consistancy, I should use yesterday's measurements, but that would mean that I gained in last month. If I use this mornings, that means I lost 1/2 inch in waist, but gained 1/4 inch in hips.

Regardless, I either had very little progress or none at all in the last month, and I'm not happy about it. It is acting as a huge de-motivator! I keep asking myself, why I should exercise and eat right if I don't loose anything anyway, and maybe even gaining??? I feel really tired of this whole dieting thing. I really don't feel motivated to do what has to be done to succeed. I'm resenting exercising or controlling my food intake even more, because nothing good is happening in a month!!!! Why should I push myself doing something I hate if it does not help to get me where I want to be? The price of being smaller size keeps rizing, and the return gets smaller and smaller. Maybe I'm not meant to be 130.

I've also had INCREDIBLY hard time to drink water in last 2 or 3 weeks. I would get me a glass of water, and stair at it, and when I finally make myself drink it, I'm hating every sip of it. What's more, it is making my throat hurt when I drink it. It used not to be that hard to get my water in, but now its impossible.

The only good thing that has been happening later is that I was gaining stamina in exercising and activities. I can now do jumprope 100 times without problem, and I can ride my horse in the morning and then go and do stuff in the afternoon. Yesterday we went for a 2 hr trailride, mostly trotting and cantering, and I felt tired, but it was doable, I could get back to the barn and do some more stuff.
 
self examination - no need to read

Ok, I am trying to make sence of what's going on in my head, and this is weird. My mind is trying to NOT do anything that might lead me to weight loss. For example, I'm resisting to track calories for today and yesterday, because that might lead me to weight loss. I am resistant to exercising, because it might lead me to weight loss. The voice in my head is now saying that I should watch a movie and stuff myself with ice-cream, to prevent weight loss. Its like me and weight loss are enemies, and I'm trying to do everything to prove it wrong. Its like I'm trying to gain weight and then say " you see, I told you I'm not going to loose!!!"

This is really weird. Why is my mind doing this? Is it because I'm mad at the whole process of weight loss, because nothing happened in the last month? Or am I afraid of loosing more because I've never been lighter before? I just don't know the source and reasons for those feelings. I just know that I'm overwhelmed by a huge whirl of strong emotions right now, and I don't know their source.

I've surrounded myself with feelings of self-hate and self-pity. I've actually had worse self-body image then when I started out. Why is that? Why do I feel fatter now then when I was 10 lbs heavier? And why do I hate my body more? Why am I more uncomfortable? I hope that if I'm able to answer those questions someday, I may be able to reverse the cycle. For now, I'm just surrounded by self-sabotage.

It felt good to write out my feelings. Guess this diary served its purpose.
 
I know it gets frustrating. Remember this is lifestyle, you want to be healthy, by eating better you've made big changes on the inside and in the long run your adding years to your life.

The same routine gets old. Take a week and try someting completely out of the ordinary, a new form of exercise, a new recipe.

Try and get to these forums as much as possible. WE're here for you.
 
self-hate

Self-hate is a strong phrase, and one you probably used for a very good reason. It is worth examining why you have negative feelings about yourself, and why your body image would be worse now than when you started. You are already at a very light weight. I mean, your START weight is my goal weight!

If you have lost 2/3 of your goal, and have barely 5 pounds to go, and you are feeling this bad about yourself, maybe it is time to consider speaking to a therapist. It's a small step to the land of eating disorders, and it would be better to talk with someone about how you are feeling now than to wait and let your negative emotions cause you to go someplace you REALLY don't want to go.

I know your post said not to bother reading it, but I think it sounded more like a cry for help. I care - everyone here cares - and you should not have to feel this way. I hope you do talk to someone. You are already light, and even if you were still 145 or way more, you deserve to be happy about yourself.
 
are you gone? looks like it...i'm back from all the mahem...curious to see if you are posting and i should respond to your comment a few weeks back???

hope you are feeling better about yourself.

S
 
Hi, all!
Sorry for being MIA especially after a big venting entry. :) I've been unable to post at work(it has gotten very hectic) and a storm taken out a couple of my computers and a router, so I was without internet.

I am feeling ok, and the post above has served its purpose - I just needed to vent. I guess I just had a bad weekend. But your supportive comments and good night sleep helped me repair my image, and I'm back on the horse so to speak. I've hit a new low - 130, but went back up, and now hovering around 131. So I think the progress is there, but very slow. I've been riding a lot more and my stamina has increased, so I'm hoping i've been burning more calories as well. I'm trying to eat reasonable, but I'm not being overly restrictive. I'm also trying to promote my positive self-image, because even though I have not felt as bad as in the last post, that was kind of the wake up call for me that I still need to do some mental work in that category.

Have a happy 4th, everyone!
 
I'm also trying to promote my positive self-image, because even though I have not felt as bad as in the last post, that was kind of the wake up call for me that I still need to do some mental work in that category.
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ahhhhhhhh, NTL, you missed me? :) just kidding....self hate? no no no....okay, you got some comments up there so i wont go on b/c you know my words here...however.........what you said above that i quoted - along with that exercise, NEEDS TO BE TOP ON YOUR PRIORITY LIST OF WORKING OUT. all this hard work is to feel better, not worse so if that is happening, self recollection is necessary along with possibly some help...i know you are venting and you say "no need to read" but we all want to help and you need to remember that the successes take time........you are still losing, mind you and as you said, your stamina is UP and sounds like the mono days are in the past...keep your chin up...one day at a time and by the way, I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOUR 130!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Skyler, thanks! You are absolutely right, as usual. I missed your words of wisdom!!! It was really weird, those thoughts, it was completely irrational. I knew it at the time, but I could not turn it off. I really was suprized by a sudden onset of the negative feelings and emotions, and did not expect anything like that especially after loosing >10 lbs! Anyway, I'm fine now and just reminding myself every day that I'm doing great, that I've had good progress, etc, so hopefully I won't have any more of those scary episodes. I think it was at least in part was caused by hormones. But I'm definitely making a concious effort to think positively about my body.

I also think it was an effort to remind myself that I need to keep going. I was getting comfortable at this weight, because I feel lighter and better, its easier to move, easier to get in shape, so my motivation to push hard was waining... But I know I can't stop now, I'm only half way to my goal. I do feel slightly burned out, just because the weight loss is on the back of my head all the time. So part of me wished I could take vacation, but I think this weight loss process changed me enough that I can't take vacation from it anymore... How can you take vacation from yourself?

Sorry for rambling... So the plan is to keep exercising (my heart is definitely stronger, but my lungs still need improvement) and to think positive, and to watch what I'm eating... And hopefully I'll get to 125 before October... Would be nice to reach my first mini-goal by my birthday!
 
Ok, yesterday went well. I ate well and I exercised. Hope to do the same again today! I changed my ticker to show a snail, since my weight loss is crawling so so slow.... But I'm hoping this can change soon to a runner or a maybe a motocycle.... or a rocket? He-he-he.

Anyway, I've been loosing about 1 lb per month, but I'd like to loose last 6 lbs before October (my b-day and wedding anniversary), which would require me to loose 2 lbs per month. I know it can happen, but I need to give it a little push with exercise and eating sensibly.
 
I was getting comfortable at this weight, because I feel lighter and better, its easier to move, easier to get in shape, so my motivation to push hard was waining... But I know I can't stop now, I'm only half way to my goal. I do feel slightly burned out, just because the weight loss is on the back of my head all the time. So part of me wished I could take vacation, but I think this weight loss process changed me enough that I can't take vacation from it anymore... How can you take vacation from yourself?
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I know what you mean....but as you said....you just cant. I have felt myself doing the same thing..not to the point of self-hate but feeling yucky and then having to remind myself that i lost >15 lbs!!! But, i am with you...i need to pick it up again seriously and get these last 10-15 lbs off of me! Looking forward to maintenance mode!!
 
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Well, I had a good day yesterday again. I did a bit of cardio (rope jumping ) and weights, and ate fairly good. So today I feel good and am proud of myself! Maybe tonight I'll go for a bike ride. It has been a while since I've done that.

And my water weight is going down, and that can't be bad!!! :)
 
sounds like you had a good week......keep it up through the weekend!! you can!!!!!

hey, what happened with the bowflex while i was gone? do you still have it? pure curiousity! :)
 
Yep. Weekends are not particularly hard for me, unless we go out or smth, which we're not planning on doing so far. ;)

The bowflex is still here, and I still use it. :) It is definitely helping me gain muscle. I can feel much more muscle on me now then before. I'm actually kind of surprized how effective it is for as little as I use it. It is definitely more effective then calisthenics exercises I did for some reason.
 
Hey NTL good to see you back and glad to hear you're feeling a bit better after your vent!:D I was wondering where on earth you'd got to so thanks for putting my mind to rest!

Hope this weekend is going a bit better for you!:)
 
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