No Love for My Body

kstadelh

kstadelh

Kyle, new member.
I had a big realization last night that I do not love my body. I have been wanting to lose more weight, but not able to go down despite my wishes and efforts. I have even started seeing a dietician, which I want to continue because it has been helping me have a healthier relationship with food. But something always happens to throw me off, often my body having issues. Before it was shoulder pain and head aches. Currently it is hemorrhoids and hip soreness, which are new to me. But it seems like it's always something. I also think I might have some sort of self image problem because people tell me that I look fine all the time because I am tall, but I am obsessed with weight loss, while people who are clearly fatter than me don't seem to care much about weight loss. Though they do look very comfortable in their skin.

This past week I was forced to work 17 hours per day because my night shift replacement had surgery and has been recovering. It has been a sort of punishment on my body, but I have been ok. It has also triggered me to fall off track on my eating goals. Resorting to sweets to keep up my energy as I get drained by the long work hours. And I have been asking myself how I got into this miserable situation with my body. Then last night it sort of came to me suddenly that I TRULY do not love my body. It makes me cry to think about it. Even though I try many things to look healthier, I don't really ever put my body as a priority in any regular way.

I always thought of loving ones body to be a yuppy, feminist thing, just for girls. You have to admit that body love books out there are specifically targeting women. They usually say it in the title "a girl's guide" or they only have women on the cover. So no wonder I thought it was not for me. But I think loving my body is a path worth exploring for me because it is so alien to me. And the low point I reached this week makes me feel really desperate for a game changer. I am going to use this journal to explore my thoughts on the topic. Though I am not sure yet if loving my body is the right answer. So I don't want to obsess over the idea.

Please feel free to share your wisdom if you have experience loving your body. Or share your criticism if you think the concept is a joke. At this point I am not in a position to argue either way. I am just curious and think it could be interesting and fun to explore.
 
Hey Kyle, interesting diary you have started.
kstadelh said:
Or share your criticism if you think the concept is a joke
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I don't think its a joke, to the contrary I think you are wise to be pondering the idea. That said I have never given it much thought, and from an aesthetic point of view would have a hard time thinking that I love my body. Too many imperfections, and that is what I tend to focus on. However in recent months looking in the mirror, when fully clothed, can make me feel happier. It still surprises me. But I think the physical/health side is more important than aesthetics, and I have had a few challenges there as well. I know this is the only one I will ever get and I think I have gotten better at taking care of it. Trying anyway.

I am hoping this process helps you, I think it will, and I think it will be interesting to watch. A well thought through process like this can only be helpful, no matter where it leads. And posting your thoughts here will help you and maybe others.

17 hour days have to be killers, but is the sugar really helping with your energy levels? For me it would not, not for long. Not to say that I would not have done the same as you, probably would have. Hope your schedule gets back to normal soon, but you have more control over what you eat than what your employer needs. I know you can rein that in, you've done it before!

Best of luck with this.
 
I think the reason these resources are often aimed at women is that it's so obvious many women don't love their bodies. While men seem to either not care all that much or pretend everything is fine because men "aren't allowed" to be vulnerable so they don't spend (as much) money on self-help stuff. For what it's worth: it's taken a long time for me to start appreciating my body and at first it was just for what it was able to do, not for how it looked. Maybe a first step toward loving, or at least not disliking your body could be to take as much care of it as you would if it was a young kid or a frail elderly parent. Kindness breeds kindness.
 
@alligatorob @LaMaria
About loving the way my body looks, I wasn't really thinking about that. I was more thinking of caring for my body's overall wellbeing as opposed to being obsessed with the way I look and weight loss. Honestly I think I look better than many other people, but somehow those other people still seem to have more confidence in the way they look. In fact I see that so frequently it's hard to imagine that it's some sort of an act. I think they are really just confident and carefree.

One way I could take better care of myself is be mindful of how much I push myself. I am very action oriented, and I tend to be driven to work harder than others, at my job and at home, at least in my mind. So my brain is hyper-focused on the actions I need to take and barely focused at all on resting, exercising, eating, etc. As a result I tend to get exhausted and drained emotionally and physically, resulting in poor health and weak willpower.

This is all very vague and amorphous for me right now. As I said before, it is not something I usually take seriously. I want to explore the possible approaches I can take here.
 
I think what you're saying so far makes a lot of sense. Taking better care of your energy levels/amount of work sounds like a great start and maybe it'll even free up some (head) space for self care. I'd really appreciate it if you kept us posted about the process as there are so many people (me included) who struggle with this at times.
 
@LaMaria Well if I end up adopting a new approach, and especially if my health improves as a result, including weight loss, I think it would be a good testament to the concept of loving one's body.

I don't know about other churches, but the Unification Church which I come from has a way of pushing it's members to deny their bodies. This might not have been the intention of the founder, but definitely there are many members of our church who espouse denial of the body. So the concept of loving my body seems to me to border on heresy if I put it in the context of my religious background. I have always thought outside the box of my religion, and have been willing to try new things that aren't necessarily prescribed by it, including therapy which worked wonders for me. But I have to admit that my religious background DOES have an impact on my life choices, whether I like it or not.
 
One problem I have is that I put myself into EMERGENCY mode all the time. I let my mind get VERY excited and anxious by thinking about the problems in my life. I believe I can think my way out of every problem. The trouble is that I am not good a coming down from that excitement and anxiety. And FOOD IS CALMING. So to calm down I eat when I am not hungry, which easily results in overeating. And IT WORKS. I feel better for a while.

There is almost nothing that is as calming as food. But I would like to explore other ways of calming down that have nothing to do with eating.
 
Sounds sensible. Listening to music in the bath tub? Going for a walk? Throwing a ball around for a while? Cooking a recipe you normally wouldn't?
 
I am going to see my dietician for the third time this Wednesday. I don't know what she will say. But I feel like I need to press forward with this work. It has been too long since my last session. But things got complicated and I didn't feel ready to go back.

I ate rather healthily this morning. My stress levels are through the roof. I can physcially feel the stress. But honestly I am not craving anything to deal with it. It's scary to not medicate my emotions. But I can do this. I hope I can find some good way to destress.
 
I don't think it's a joke at all. Body hatred/acceptance isn't an exclusively feminine concept (we just tend to be more open expressing it) but talking about unrealistic media body standards in regards to how it impacts men's body image is definitely an area where we as a society have let men & young boys down. When everywhere you look there's a flawless sculpted body and you don't fit that mold it's very easy to internalize your body is wrong then punish yourself for not measuring up. Unfortunately the biggest hurtle is not your body but your thoughts & emotions. You recognizing what's going on is a big step but now you have to replace those negative behaviors & thoughts with being ok being the best version of you.

Everyone is different so what works for one person might not work for another. I've personally had luck with 1st understanding the mechanics of the problem by reading literature on the subject (regardless of women on the cover the information is pretty gender neutral unless stated) 2nd Healing emotional trauma via therapy (talking to a neutral 2nd party can be helpful just to organize your own thoughts) and 3rd through positive affirmations. You'd be surprised how hard it is to look at yourself and say something nice every day but sometimes when we don't get those things from outside we have to give them to ourselves. I hope maybe some of this helped and good luck.
 
kstadelh said:
I would like to explore other ways of calming down that have nothing to do with eating.
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That sounds like a really good idea, Kyle. I like LaMa's suggestions. Walking is an excellent meditation for me. Jess just typed while I was & I agree with everything she said. Try talking to yourself in the mirror & saying something nice. It can be something different every day or something similar. Some examples- "I'm a good person. I deserve to be healthy", " Hi, Kyle. Eat well today. This body deserves healthy food" Be kind to yourself & when you start stressing out, stop & breathe slowly & think of something nice (other than food) & keep breathing deeply. I stay "stop" in my head & think of my little dog usually.
Learning to accept yourself & to feel that you are good enough can be learned. I'm glad you started this thread & that you are trying to show yourself some respect & love.
 
I went to the park to pray. It's something I seldom do unless things are unbearable, which they have been lately. I prayed about why I seem to be failing my weight loss goals even though I am humbling myself to see a nutritionist. Also why other aspects of my life seem so unsatisfactory lately. I prayed for over 40 minutes, sort of letting all the negativity boil to the surface.

At the end I got one answer, "Expectations". It's something I remember Dennis Prager emphasizing as a huge road block to happiness. If you don't get what you expect, you are bound for disappointment.
If you do get what you expect, you expected to get it. So you won't be grateful. And the answer is that my expectations have me around the neck like a noose and are strangling the happiness out of my life.

Objectively I know that my expectations are bad for me. But my wishful thinking wanted to believe that if I just tried hard enough and could get what I wanted, then everything would work itself out. But clearly that is not working for me. I am just getting more and more miserable as I fail to reach my goals. And I am taking all the good things in my life for granted.

I am a visionary and a romantic. I dream of what my life could be like. Great social life. Great body. Great marriage. Great family. Great employees. But reality can't satisfy when I keep holding onto these fantasies. I need to be more mindful and enjoy the moment that life has given me.
 
kstadelh said:
I dream of what my life could be like. Great social life. Great body. Great marriage. Great family. Great employees. But reality can't satisfy when I keep holding onto these fantasies. I need to be more mindful and enjoy the moment that life has given me.
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An interesting observation, I like they way you ended the thought. None of these things are ever perfect for anyone, good enough is the best we can expect. If you look at your life realistically you might find you are closer to good enough than you think. I have always tried to see things that way, not always successfully, but it does always help, good enough.
kstadelh said:
I am humbling myself to see a nutritionist
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That should not feel "humbling", I also am seeing a nutritionist, just started last week. I see it as interesting at worst and probably helpful. I find that getting good expert third party advice is always a good thing.

Stick with this Kyle, I think you are on the right track!
 
natalya_jpg said:
I totally agree! It's interesting topic and so interesting diary


you can write your own book :)

I must say there are so many interesting stories I feel so much confused, I can write only short sentences like I usually do it at work lol
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Спасибо наташка
 
I had my 3rd session with my dietician. I told her I have not been able to focus well due to "circumstances". She said it's not about willpower, but about boundaries with food. She used the example of someone allergic to shrimp. They have clear boundaries. No matter how stressed they are, how tired they are, how attractive the shrimp dish is, they aren't going to eat it. And apparently we can have those kinds of boundaries with the foods that are not healthy. But it has to come from within, from our inner sense of what we need and what we don't need.

This advice rings true. It is pretty much what my therapist taught me about healthy relationships. You have to have clear boundaries of what behavior you will accept from other people. And balanced relationships can only form when you have those boundaries.

My dietician suggested keeping a food journal about how what I am eating makes me feel to help me come to terms with my needs. I have always avoided food journals as they seem sort of overkill to me. But since I am here to show more love to my body, I think this more generous approach is necessary. It DOES appeal to me to take a more defensive approach of setting up boundaries. Like the automatic self-defense moves you learn in martial arts.
 
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