Hey All,
I know you are all on vacation or something and that's why it's been quiet lately, but me, being bored, have decided to write to you all.
I dont know what's going on with me. Lately I have been haveing a few moments in which I feel somewhat disgusted with myself. I know I am losing weight because my pants are all beginning to become too loose, but that still doesn't stop the ache I feel inside sometimes when I look at my body in the mirror.
I dont know why I feel this way. I have always been somewhat comfortable at what I see reflecting back at me from the windows or mirrors. I mean, I've never just looked in the mirror and felt like I was on the brink of tears. Something has changed, and I'm unsure what.
It's kind of like this, I wear a size 18 in pants (maybe even a 16 now) but when I see myself, I see a girl who is twice that size. Am I starting to develop a disorder? I know my mind is playing tricks on me. How is it that I am fine with what I look like at a size 18 but now that I'm starting to get thinner I am seeing myself as being bigger? Maybe it is because the weight I'm losing is causing me to have a bit more flab around my stomach? Or am I simply afraid of being thin?
Plus, I dont understand why I feel this way. My boyfriend Sean always tells me how beautiful I am and compliments me. But then again, I wonder what he really thinks. I know from learning about his past relationships that I am the biggest girl he's dated, so maybe that's why I'm starting to be super hard on myself. Man, I hate compairing myself to other chicks for this exact reason. Plus, no matter how much he tells me, I can't believe this guy, who is super toned, maybe around 175 lbs, and super awesome would want to be with a blob like me.
Eh, I feel so... blah. Maybe it's just my hormones. TOM should be comming over to visit soon, so maybe he's the blame. Or maybe it's just that so much is happening and overwhelming me (such as my recent medical concerns, the new policies / procedures they are implimenting at work, and finding my bio-father's address, wondering what the first step should be towards me trying to set up getting to know him, and prepairing myself for the reality of maybe he doesn't want to know me) and the only thing I have complete controll over is my appearance. I'm beginning to believe this is the main reason. So much is changing in such a little time that I know I honestly feel my weight is the main thing I can controll and that's why I'm feeling this way.
Oh, I dont know. I feel bad today, feel self concious while looking at the mirror today, but who know's how I'll feel tomorrow or next week when I look at the mirror.
Talk to you all soon.
Love,
Veronica