nataliejo's diary: Moving, flowing, grooving forward... change is coming...

I am so down today gals and guys.
I feel so ...down...
I didn't go walking outside today. I walked almost fifteen minutes on the treadmill, but like thats really nothing. Because I didnt really lose my breath. Oy vey.
Tomorrow I am going walking at ten to ten- fifteen AM for my forty minute walk. I just wish I would lose enough breath to actually make it matter, do it matter gals? I dont feel like it matters. Maybe thats why I have not been doing it as often. Maybe somewhere in my head I am thinking it isn't doing anything and it doesnt matter? I have gained two pounds already and probably will be up another pounds tomorrow. Maybe I shouldnt weigh myself tomorrow and just go for my walk, try to eat healthy and what not. I think thats what I will do. No scale tomorrow, just me going walking, and doing better on the food front. I hope I do better.

well ttylater everyone
love yas
always
natalie jo
 
I know whats wrong!! I have a ton of stress! I had this friend from 15 to age 26, and because I decided to date Alex, she decided she didn't want to be my friend. WE happen to see each, or she saw me, last summer and we decided to hang out. Well we haven't since. And I sent her a letter about Peter and how happy I was and she had written on it, because I know her hand writing, "return to sender" and that was it. The envelope was open. Oh well. I guess she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and I feel wicked down.
And Peter has been getting upset once in a while, because he is hypersensitive. And Alex told me how I could improve in the bedroom. IT was a wicked week, and My mom is successfully sabotaging my diet, because I seem to be eating the junk she has been bringing in. She is really jealous over the fact I am losing weight and I am watching the scale go up and my eating get out of hand. I need a good walk tomorrow, and I am going to take my forty minute walk and just blast my music and just sing a long and just be bop along and try and walk faster. I hope the snow doesnt amount to anything, it just said snow showers, hopefully that means nothing really, except little spots and nothing that sticks.

oh well
ttylater ladies
love yas
natalie jo
 
Hey gals and guys,
I thought I did so horrible this month. In actuallity, I still did awesome. I started March with 281.0 and unfortunately I did gain to 276.0, but thats still about a four pounds loss for March in the March 2 pound per week Challenge.. pretty cool... no more of the 280s..
I am just going to ignore my mom and get on my own .. I need to stand up for myself, and that my friends is what I am gonig to do ..

love yas all
always
your friend
natalie jo :party::party::party:

btw, my motivation is back!!:party:
 
My mom is successfully sabotaging my diet, because I seem to be eating the junk she has been bringing in.
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So your mom is holding you down and force feeding you the foods you don't want to eat? Wow that's sounds like it should be illegal... :D

You are a grown woman... No one can make you do that which you don't want to do.. it's up to you and only you to take responsibility for your food choices... Just because it's in the house, doesn't mean you have to eat it.

And Alex told me how I could improve in the bedroom.
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Oh How nice of him.. how really helpful...
 
maleficent said:
So your mom is holding you down and force feeding you the foods you don't want to eat? Wow that's sounds like it should be illegal... :D

You are a grown woman... No one can make you do that which you don't want to do.. it's up to you and only you to take responsibility for your food choices... Just because it's in the house, doesn't mean you have to eat it.


Oh How nice of him.. how really helpful...
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Mal, I actually realized last night ... that even though the junk is in the house, I don't have to eat it..

and yes it was really lovely how he told me how I could improve in the bedroom... what can I say? He is quite the character.. lol

ttylater
always
natalie jo :auto:
 
Hello Gals and guys,

Well today is starting well..

Three eggs over easy, and one yogurt.

Not going to eat anything, unless its an orange until lunch.

I am thinking, I can do this! Ive done over forty pounds, I will keep trecking. There is no way I am gaining this weight back!!

ttylater
love yas
natalie jo :party:
 
Hello gals and guys,

I am going to actually ... I mean actually do my pilates dvd today ..
its a lot of fun and hurts like hell .. I mean it really hurts, but I figure if I am not going to walk today. Might as well do a lovely twenty minute work out that kicks my butt.. :)

so ttylater everyone
love yas
natalie jo :coolgleamA:
 
newbride02 said:
OH i love pilates!! Have fun w/ it hun!
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Hey hun,
I didn't do my pilates, but I was jumping around and dancing and still plan too ..just couldnt stick with one thing .. I dont know ...

still not feeling too hot

but thanks

ttylater hun
always
natalie jo :driving:
 
Hello all,
Well I finally sat down with my mom and discussed with her some of "our" issues, at least she won't be buying the tempting yogurt that she does. She says she will buy yogurt, only when I ask... lol which is good! Because it will just be once in a while treat!

But anyway and also she is buying me Strawberries, which is awesome, Yum! Those should take me a few days and are perfect in place of anything else she brings in the house, like ships and gauc, sourcream...etc dip lol

I know I should just ignore the bad stuff that comes into the house, but I have some serious issues. I used to be anorexic, than I decided bulimia was the way to go and now I am finally trying to straighten everything out. I tried to purge two days ago, which isnt good. Nothing came up, it was all digested, but I felt like crap after being bloated, because I was bloated. I know being bulimic is not the answer, but somehow I weasled it into my head that it would be ok once in a while. But I know it won't be, never been to a therapist about this, never thought of going to a therapist about this. I mean I used to have my upchuck brush in the bathroom ...so u know.. I tried using this old toothbrush a couple days ago.. I just feel so putrid ...

I dont know ..
well things are a little better today, just not feeling very motivated, so just flying by the seat of my pants. ITs supposed to rain ALL day tomorrow. I have to do something with this body .. so I am just going to do regular aerobics for as long as I can make myself, which God knows how long, because I am so upset and really depressed actually ... I dont know
and Peter was supposed to call last night and we got into a fight, so he just up and jumped off the puter and said I obviously needed space, which was the last thing I needed. I needed someone to talk with and he had promised "this time" he would call and didn't ...so I am ...to say the least less than impressed right now with myself .... I dont know .. I come off to needy lol I am so horrid .. I dont know if any of you know this ..but I have borderline personality disorder and it is awful ..so is bipolar disorder ..which I have too .. I have severe anxiety too and used to not go outside because of it ..and still dont once in a while... this summer should be interesting .. no Alex, no one to drag me out of the house, only my two feet.. standing on my own ... this should be really interesting .. I am sure I can walk most days ..but there are going to be days where I am going to be paranoid and just not want to go out at all ..and I hate those days ..because thats when I hide ..hide in the house all the time ..and thats how I gained up to 320 pounds ..but than I decided I couldnt live like that ..so I have lost to 276.0...
but I need to get out ..its my livelihood ..hopefully when it come down to it ..I will ...

best wishes
love yas
natalie jo
:nopity:
 
I love dancing along to my ipod even if JJ tells me to stop and shush when I start singing along...

Tomorrow I will be digging out my pedometer and aiming for 10,000 steps which shall be reached by hook or by crook (which is pacing and marching on the spot whilst the boys are in bed!)

Hope yr feeling better soon.

Tab x

I also have agrophobic tendancies and often only leave the house to buy food for my boys and to go to my slimming group... its not something that is easily understood by those who haven't been there, but outside can be a scary place, especially when you find there is so much that you don't like with yourself its easy to forget that often people don't actually notice whether your there or not...

If you need a shoulder you know where to find me.

x
 
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Tabitha said:
I love dancing along to my ipod even if JJ tells me to stop and shush when I start singing along...

Tomorrow I will be digging out my pedometer and aiming for 10,000 steps which shall be reached by hook or by crook (which is pacing and marching on the spot whilst the boys are in bed!)

Hope yr feeling better soon.

Tab x

I also have agrophobic tendancies and often only leave the house to buy food for my boys and to go to my slimming group... its not something that is easily understood by those who haven't been there, but outside can be a scary place, especially when you find there is so much that you don't like with yourself its easy to forget that often people don't actually notice whether your there or not...

If you need a shoulder you know where to find me.

x
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Thanks Tabitha! I really appreciate your kind words. No, not many peeps understand. It is hard. Very hard to get myself out somedays, thats why somedays I dont report I walked, because I didn't .. I just stayed inside ...trying to clean to keep busy and try to keep my head on straight ...

but ... I forgot to take my meds today ..so I just did .. I did take one extra klonopin, but I should be fine .. I have done it before ..could explain why I have been sleeping better some days and not so great other days .. I hate being addicted lol, but I need these meds lol

thanks hun
love yas
always
your friend
natalie jo :grouphug:
 
Hello guys and gals
Well I am feeling much better..

Ive know this for two years, but never did anything about it.. but I have metabolic syndrome and I just started taking an extra 500 mg of Metformin ...

My insulin doesnt work the way it is supposed to and my fat ..even the bad ones goes to my tummy, all pretty much to my tummy ...
and so the fat goes around my organs, around my heart ..ect and clogs my veins ..but I can still do something about it ..but the forty minute walks arent doing crap anymore .. I have to have a steady raise in my heart beat ..

so dancing has always raised my heart beat ..so I am going to start doing dance aerobics or just free style dancing ..and that is how I am going to start conquering over this and maybe I will start jogging ..but I will mainly dance and than I will go for my walks to get outside ..but my walks arent doing crap because they dont raise my heart rate anymore ..so that wont work
I decided to check it out today, because I was reading the sticky thread and it talked about metabolic syndrome ..and my doctor after some blood work and checking me over said I had it, but never explained exactly what it was ...probably my fear of asking ..but I went one About.com and found out all of everything I need to ..

so I am finally going to do something right for me
I dont want to die young, because of my apathy ..
I feel good!!

love yas
natalie jo :hurray:
 
Oh my dear I am so sad to hear about your down couple of days!! I can only try to empathize with the agorophobia, but I can definitely identify with anxiety. As far as anorexia and bulimia - I was definitely feeling a trigger the other day. Was one of those days where I couldn't help but think how good it felt to be hungry and how I should stay hungry all the time. Sick thinking, but only those who have had the disorder understand. Luckily that's all it was - trigger feelings that went away. Don't let yourself get sucked back in. Remind yourself how worth it you are and how much good you have done! Every day is not going to be a perfect day, and that's OK! It's all about the journey. You went up a lb or two, but you still came back here and journaled about it. That's the most important part!! You didn't decide to quit and didn't say "well, 2lbs up means I'm a failure so why try anymore". So you are still on track!!

:grouphug: We're here for you! Hoping that you're doing better tonight :)
 
heathercb04 said:
Oh my dear I am so sad to hear about your down couple of days!! I can only try to empathize with the agorophobia, but I can definitely identify with anxiety. As far as anorexia and bulimia - I was definitely feeling a trigger the other day. Was one of those days where I couldn't help but think how good it felt to be hungry and how I should stay hungry all the time. Sick thinking, but only those who have had the disorder understand. Luckily that's all it was - trigger feelings that went away. Don't let yourself get sucked back in. Remind yourself how worth it you are and how much good you have done! Every day is not going to be a perfect day, and that's OK! It's all about the journey. You went up a lb or two, but you still came back here and journaled about it. That's the most important part!! You didn't decide to quit and didn't say "well, 2lbs up means I'm a failure so why try anymore". So you are still on track!!

:grouphug: We're here for you! Hoping that you're doing better tonight :)
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I know Heather, I dont know what was going through my head... it was bad ...but I decided not to do it and I got up and that was it ...

and I went to bed ..my stomach was in pain ..but I felt better knowing I didnt do it ..

so .. that was good ..and right now I feel really positive .. u know

well love yas
always
natalie jo
 
Hey Everyone!! I am doing awesome!!
I lost a pound, which feels really good, but not going to check the scale again, until weigh in day. But now I know what I need to eat. How many times of day I need to eat ..its nice!! yea!! I am going to really try and fix this problems I have ...

ttylater
love yas
always
natalie jo :seeya:
 
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Thanks Hope2!!
Hope2 said:
Yeah!!!!! You Go Girl!!!!!!!
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I appreciate your kind words lol
I will do this ... lol :)
I am so happy I looked up my syndrome on the net .. I feel so much better! lol

ttylater
love yas
always
your friend
natalie jo :driving:
 
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