My Story

Guess who's back!!!!:hurray: :party:

Wow, you guys, I swear, if I told you all EVERYTHING that's happened in the past two plus weeks, it would fill five journal pages, I'm not kidding.

Short of the long of it is this...I had a WONDERFUL time in Florida. Unfortunately, as you all could have guessed by now, I wasn't able to update due to lack of internet access on my sis's computer. I'm so glad to have gone but so happy to be home as well.

Truth be told, I thought going down there originally that I was going to be ALOT more intimidated by the beautiful people on the beach, but I wasn't. There were maybe only six girls who looked *good* in a two piece, you want to buy a full length mirror for the rest of them.

Though the beach was nice, my favorite part was primarily the sunbathing. I LOVE the sun, and everyday I lathered myself up with SPF 45 and took a nap in the sun. Now I have an amazing tan. The best part about my trip is my lack of sunburn. I was red the first day but it slowly darkened.

It's funny, I got off the plane in O' Hare and not only was the weather humid and wet, it was gloomy. Atmospheric changes are something to adjust to after traveling so much. Surprisingly, I'm not missing the sun right now as I usually do on days like this one. I suppose I got my share and more in with the tropical heat wave in Naples.

Yes, Kimmy, my grandma was pleasantly surprised by my new physique. Honestly, it got to a point of embarassment. My grandfather had to tell every one of their friends that I met that I was now on a fitness kick and have lost 145 pounds. I know he's bragging on me because he's so proud, but I felt sometimes that my siblings were rolling their eyes inside. Despite my accomplishments, I don't like being put on a pedestal in front of them-as though I'm something more to write home about then they are. They're proud of all of us for our own individual achievements though, I know this for sure.

Yes, I did get looked at quite a bit while I was down there. The high everyday was about 80+ so I lived in the three pairs of shorts that fit me. My legs didn't go unnoticed, I'm rather certain by the appreciative smiles that lit the faces of the male pedestrians whom I passed.

In fact, on the way home from Chicago, the fam and I stopped at a food joint, and while I was walking toward the bathrooms, some random guy coming out of the men's room mentions how I have a nice smile, and when I turn around to thank him, he's checking out my backside. Yeah, it was flattering enough, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable. I told my dad about it when I got back and he laughed and told me I had to start getting used to it. Especially since summer is here now and I'm going to be showing off my awesomely tanned best features.
 
To answer your question Tash, at this point, I'm focusing primarily on toning my body. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot tone and lose weight at the same time, you have to lose all the excess body fat before you can tone. I guess if I have more to lose, it'll come off eventually. Right now, I'm focusing on trying to maintain and also gaining muscle.

On a more serious note, my personal life is all over the map, so much so I couldn't sleep last night because of it. After tonight, I think maybe I'll go into more details. I'm hoping I can get answers today that I'm looking for. It's a long, awkward story and truth be told, I don't feel like getting into it right now. All this being said, I'm trying not to be emotionally frustrated. I'll delve into this more in another post. It's too early for my brain to re-hash and think.

By the way, I missed all of you guys like UBER crazy. Especially you Trevvie. I totally missed talking to you on my vacation. It's been WAY to long since we had a late night AIM chat, honey, we need to do that again very, very soon.

And if any of you have any accomplishments or trials or good news, please tell me of them. It'll take too much time to go back in and catch up on two weeks of your journals, so please, please let me know in your replies here so I can sufficantly congratulate and or cry with you!

Big hugs and love to you all. I need to head out to my job interview. I'll let all of you know how it goes!!

((((((Big Hugs))))))
 
welcome back - sounds like a great trip...

Much success on your job interview... stand up straight (sit up striaght too - no slouching_ - eye contact - frm handshake and knock 'emdead :D
 
Good to see you back. It sounds like you had a lovely time.

I think that your father is right. You will have to get used to a lot of positive male attention.
 
I'm sorry for the sporadic updates you guys. I'll get into the innately personnal reasons soon.

There is good news in this post. I'm rather certain I got the job I applied for. It's a graveyard position for a remodel at our local Wal-Mart. Given it's working into the night, I get paid a dollar extra an hour so it's basically 8 dollars for 8hours. It's good money for the summer and given my past experience in construction and remodeling, I'm rather excited about it. 1,400 a month sounds like good money to me.

Recently I've been clouded in my head, and I've been trying for the past couple of days to clear the fog. I've feelings that are knocking me sideways and because of it, I haven't ran in the past couple of days due to my lack of appetite and complex carbs. I really want to again you guys, but I'm so intently distracted.

I can't get my head out of the sand right now no matter how hard I try. I'm conflicted with how I should approach my increasingly powerful attraction to Mr. Confusion. It's been five months now and I'm tired of it. The thing is, if I *knew* for certain he didn't like me this would be easier but I don't and it isn't.

So many things have happened this weekend, and I wish I could get into details but I can't. Needless to say, on Saturday night, I was compelled at three o' clock in the morning, to write him a letter. It's saved now in my e-mail, and I don't know whether to give it to him or not. My innate understanding of the way he is tells me this is the best thing to do. He's extremely shy and I'm not expecting him to approach me. I'm going to have to initiate something and writing him was the only way I knew how. If nothing else, this letter could open a door, or for my sake, close one.

My biggest fear right now is how he's going to take it. I fear his reaction in the same way I fear his rejection. I try to say I know how men think, but I don't. I don't know what men think about getting letters, but this one certainly isn't a love-note, not even close because that's definitely not what I'm calling this. I'm too inexperienced with all of this, but I do know one thing, if he truly is curious of how I feel, this is *the only* way I'm going to be able to tell him. Right now, I haven't the courage to talk to him face-to-face. I really don't think I can.

At this point, I'm just torn and conflicted and truth be told, angry. I don't want to feel this way about someone. I don't want to be this distracted from the comfortable life I've built for myself. Yet, maybe I have to be, you know? This is my way of letting go to the comfortable shell I've built around myself in fear of rejection.

I don't know what to do, you guys. And I'm so sorry I can't be here for all of you lately. This is just too much for me these past couple of days.
 
I think it would probably be a good idea to give him the letter. :) At least you'd know where you stand.

Congrats on probably getting the job. That sounds like pretty good money for a summer job!!

Start running again--it'll help clear the fog in your head. :D I also lose my appetite when in the throes of stomach butterflies due to stupid men. :D I think most people do. :)
 
Hi Rae

It is great that it looks like you are fixed up with a great job for the summer. A girl needs money in her pocket to fund the clothes and social life that she wants.

I agree that you should try and get back to running. I am surprised that you cannot attack the calories that you need in some of those treats that you rave about. Appetite or not - I am sure that I could name a few treats that I could demolish if I had the calories sitting there and wanting to be eaten.

As far as Mr Confusion goes - I think that you cannot beat the personal touch. I personally would be heading for more flirting - but making sure that your brother was not going to get in the way or keep you apart. Girls can start flirting and boys normally used to realise when they are being flirted with. Maybe I just enjoyed flirting and the personal touch too much in my youth.

If that is really not an option - then send the letter if you feel that it is best for you.

At the end of the day a girl needs answers to know whether there is potential in something or not. If there is she wants a move to be made. If there isnt she wants to rule a line and get on with seeing who else is out there. If the worst happens - you can always remember what we keep saying about you and Trevor.

Good luck.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
So much has been happening in my life lately, that it seems I've neglected to update. I hate it when I can't spend time here. You guys have all come to mean alot to me.

That being said, it's drama that's been dominating my every move this past week. Given the position my parents are in through their careers, I get caught up in the landslide. I can't delve into detail, but I can say that yesterday was my breaking point.

I had an altercation with one of the girls from my basketball team and it really overwhelmed me. She's quite young you see, only fifteen, and she lied to her mother about where she was. I ended up hunting her down at a 21 year old's apartment. Needless to say, my tone was less then welcoming when I found her. I'm rather certain my greeting was along the lines of...

"What do you think you're doing? You are fifteen years old! You are not responsible for yourself! Do you have any idea what you put those who care about you through? What made you think you didn't have to call your mother and tell her where you are? I don't care if you don't like her. That woman gave birth to you and you owe her the decency, not to mention the respect, to let her know where you are at all times. You are not my age. You are not an adult. You may be independant, but in the eyes of the law, you cannot make independant decisions. Until you are 18, your mother is responsible for you and it is your responsibility to make sure that she knows your every move.Now you need to get up, put your plate in the sink, and we need to leave."

At this time the 21 year old chimes in trying to make an excuse and I respond with...

"Don't try and snow me. You're 21 years old. In this group, you are the adult. There is a 14 and 15year old in your presence, and being in their company, you are responsible for them. It was your repsonsibility to make sure they call their parents when your plans change. If you are the adult in the group, you have to take on the responsibility of acting like one. From now on, I'd advise you start doing that."

I was so mad yesterday you guys. Not only did my friend delibrately lie to her mother, she thought for a moment there that it was okay. Animated smoke was coming from my ears, I'm not kidding. I have absolutely NO RESPECT for kids who don't hold their parents in the highest of regard. I don't care if kids LIKE their guardians or not, they owe them respect and in turn, are granted trust. Crap like this just erks me.

Of course, after all of this happened, I ended up bringing the fifteen year old back to my house where her mother and sister are and of course, she fed me compliments throughout the day as a subconcious apology to me. They were flattering yes, but it was rather pathetic how this girl can do something as grand as run away on a weekend and think she can win me back over by telling me how good I look in purple. Yesterday, whatever respect I had for her vanished. I'm hoping she can regain it by being more cordial toward not only her mother, but sister, but I'm not holding my breath. It's sad you guys, I was trying to trust this girl and now I can't.

Not only am I dealing with these stresses, I'm dealing with the raw, emotional stress of my personal life. Of course, this only serves to augment any other frustrations I have. I want to say that I can't handle being this overwhelmed, but the truth is I can handle it, I'm just figuring out how.

Yesterday I was told I was quite 'wifeable' and that didn't help my lack of a romance life. I'm at the point now where everytime I see a child, I imagine having my own, and my lack of a significant other just depresses me. Whenever my father ponders his mortality, we end up having a talk about how I should really, really consider dating so he can see his grandbabies before he dies. After everyone of these conversations I respond with "They don't just drop on my doorstep, daddy. These things take time." To which he responds with "Don't you think that time is now?"

So of course, none of this is helping me out in my head. Not to mention the painfully personal reasons of why I'll never feel good enough for anyone. I've been through a personal hell and it's left me scarred for life. I can't seem to let it go.

Usually how I would clear my head would be by running and I haven't done that since Wednsday. It makes me cranky when I can't run at least three days a week. This doesn't mean though that I'm not still losing weight. Yesterday I weighed in at 143 pounds. Truth be told, I had no idea I was dropping so much. The fact of the matter is, given all of my frustrations recently, I've a complete absence of appetite. If I were to have been running, it would have done more harm than good.

Life is just crazily chaotic for me right now you guys. I'm having issues again with my self-confidence, and it's driving me insane. I know I'm worthwhile, I do, but it's hard for me to believe it. I just don't feel as sexy as maybe I should. I need to get over this, I really do. I have to find someway to convince myself that I'll make someone a good girlfriend. I just don't know how.
 
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Wow! I can't believe your dad is pushing to get married and push out babies when you're so young! I would think he'd want you to enjoy your singledom and youth for a few years. I know I certainly would with my kids.

I encourage you to go to college and enjoy yourself immensely. College was one of the best times of my life--even though I was broke most of the time. I loved the educational aspect as well as the social. I went to college a 7-8hr drive from home, and lived on campus. I wouldn't change it for all the world.

I noticed in Margaret's diary that you are interested in travelling. I suggest doing a study abroad while in college. I did two of them, and spent two semesters in Europe. It's a great way to travel and experience different countries/cultures because you have the experience of actually living there and spending a great deal of time there getting to meet people and see the country--and neighboring countries as well. And the 2nd reason study abroad is great is b/c in most cases your financial aid will transfer over--so the cost is the same as a semester at your U.S. college. So it's an incredibly cheap way to see the world. The only added expenses are airfare and any extra money you'd spend travelling. And sometimes you can get a scholarship or grant to cover airfare. Definitely something to think about.

You have plenty of time for babies--once you have them your life will never be the same, and you'll never get those carefree years back. Most people I know who had children right out of high school usually end up wishing they'd waited a bit longer so they could fully enjoy their late teens/early 20s. So I say don't rush into anything. These next few years are a time to learn, experience and discover yourself. There will plenty of time to settle down and have babies in the years to come. Tell your dad he needs to take good care of himself so that he is still around when you give him grandchildren. That's what I told mine. :biggrinjester:

Quite frankly, if I have waited too long and am not able to become pregnant now, I would never trade that for becoming a mother in my early 20s--I would not change things. There is always adoption for me--it is preferable to motherhood at age 20. There were plenty of times in my early 20s when I wished I were married with children. But looking back, I was much better off waiting. That is just me, of course. Everyone is different. :)

Did you give Mr. C the letter yet???
 
Invariant said:
Yesterday I was told I was quite 'wifeable' and that didn't help my lack of a romance life. I'm at the point now where everytime I see a child, I imagine having my own, and my lack of a significant other just depresses me. Whenever my father ponders his mortality, we end up having a talk about how I should really, really consider dating so he can see his grandbabies before he dies. After everyone of these conversations I respond with "They don't just drop on my doorstep, daddy. These things take time." To which he responds with "Don't you think that time is now?"

So of course, none of this is helping me out in my head. Not to mention the painfully personal reasons of why I'll never feel good enough for anyone. I've been through a personal hell and it's left me scarred for life. I can't seem to let it go.
......
Life is just crazily chaotic for me right now you guys. I'm having issues again with my self-confidence, and it's driving me insane. I know I'm worthwhile, I do, but it's hard for me to believe it. I just don't feel as sexy as maybe I should. I need to get over this, I really do. I have to find someway to convince myself that I'll make someone a good girlfriend. I just don't know how.
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Parents are great at pressing our buttons. They program the buttons into us from when we are babies so they know where they all are. They all do it. My father comes out with things like - your mother and I dont think that either of us will last for very long if the other one dies. I think that we will die one after the other. That always cheers me up when they are 85 and 90 years old and I know they have health issues. It might cheer him up to think that he will not be in heaven too long without her - but it certainly doesnt cheer me up.

They are also inclined to be thoughtless and self-centred. They can only look on the world from their own perspective and that is what happens. They would claim to be considerate of my feelings but in reality they say things without thinking all the time.

I think that your father is acting in much the same way. Love him with all your heart - and take what he says with a pinch of salt.

A father's concerns about his mortality is no reason for a teenager to start pushing out babies. The babies are a huge responsibility and they would ultimately be your responsibility - not your father's. I am sure that he has lived his life to persue his own dreams - not his parents. You deserve that same opportunity.

I would suggest that if he really wants to see you find someone special - the next time he comes out with any of this you turn round and say "If that is how you feel you should have a word with your son. Whenever my brother sees me about to have a nice chat with an attractive young man he does his best to manipulate things so that the conversation stops. I know that he is just being protective of me because he loves me. You were young once Daddy. You must realise that this makes things difficult for me."

That might actually divert your father's attention to having nice little chats with your brother when he feels like that. It also may open up the path a bit for Mr Confusion (or anyone else for that matter).

I understand that you have reduced levels of confidence in yourself. I suspect that most people your age are filled with uncertainty regarding relationships with the opposite sex. I also appreciate that your weight history means that you feel differently to how you would feel if your BMI had always been what it is today. The fact is that your figure does not show the weight that you once had - it shows the weight that you have today.

Clearly men find you attractive - so I think that if your brother stops messing you about - a nice boy will ask you out sooner rather than later. We all know that Trevor has said that he would in a second if he lived near you. You need to get your head around agreeing to go if asked. I am sure that your confidence would increase if you dated someone nice for a little while.

Nothing makes a girl feel sexy like an attractive man telling her that she is.

Like Kimberly - I am intrigued as far as what has happened regarding Mr C since he was last mentioned.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
Good morning you guys. Much love to you on this Monday.

Kimmy, the fact of the matter is I'm *not* pressing to push out any babies anytime soon. Yes, I want them when I'm ready, and I'd perfer to have them before I reach my thirties, but you know, there are still moments when my maternal instinct kicks in. I'm sure it happens to all us young girls who desire motherhood one day.

As of yet, I've no idea what I want to go to school for. See, the great thing is, I'm going to college to get an education to be educated. Alot of people say they go to college to get a job, but that philosophy isn't very clever, in my opinion. You know, if you want job training, get job training, if you want an education, get an education. It's not about what you want to do in your life, but who you want to *be*. That advice was given to me this weekend by a very respected theology proffeser. It really hit me hard. I'm certainly taking it.

Perhaps I will travel for school. It does sound like it would be thrilling, and though at times, I'm sure it would be stressful, I'd enjoy myself immensely by the beauties of the world.

The fact of the matter is, my father isn't necessarily *pushing* me into dating or bearing children, he's simply encouraging that I start pondering courtship more often lately. He's right though, I know this. I'm 19 and have never dated before. He knows this. Honestly, he just wants me to get out there so I can have experiences in understanding what something worthwhile feels like. I want that too, truth be told.

In answer to your curiousities, yes, I gave Mr. C the letter. I was apprehensive about handing it to him, and the moment I got the opportunity to leave it in his possession, I did. Using my keen feminine wiles, I slipped it under his mattress and then called to tell him it was there. This was the convo...

"Hey, um, I'm sorry to keep you up, I know you have to get to work in the morning. Listen bud, there's a letter under your mattress and when you're alone, I need you to read it okay?"

There's about two seconds of silence here before he says "Yep."

And then I say, "Please don't tell anyone."

He's silent here so then I tell him that he played good in his softball game that night despite the frustrations of the other team. He thanks me then tells me goodnight and I do the same.

It's been five days now, and I've seen him for four of those, and I tell you you guys, it's just completely awkward. I don't know if I've scared the crap out of him or what. In my letter, the only thing I said I wanted was for him to *not* resent me for writing it. Truth be told, I wrote it as a kind of release for myself. I knew I would regret it more if I never gave it to him than if I did. Now I'm afraid of how it's affected him.

If I disgust him or if I irritate him or downright annoy him, I can handle it, what I cannot handle is him hating me for the rest of my life because I admitted to him a part of my soul that I don't show people. When I look at him, I can see that he's trying to handle it internally. He won't talk to me, but he still looks at me more than anyone else.

As much as I want to say that I wish I didn't give it to him, I don't. I don't regret it for one second. What I regret is promising him that I'd keep my distance, because I'm thinking now, that maybe he doesn't want me to. I'd like to approach him, but I told him I wouldn't, because I wanted to make all of this easier for him. What I know for certain is this; that promise is only making this *harder* and I wonder, if it's the same for him.

I was stressed out about all of this yesterday. I don't know what he's expecting from me now, if anything at all. I can honestly say that I respect him too much to ask him for something he can't give me, and in knowing this, the only thing I wanted to come from giving him the letter was his *not* hating me for being honest with him. Now I'm scared that maybe he does.

Two things I know for certain judging by the way his body language is speaking to me; He's either disgusted and turned-off by me, or he's so enamored with me that it's scaring him. Those are the two conclusions I've come to.
 
I find it very interesting that Mr C has not said anything since he got the letter. He knows that he has your interest - so the ball is firmly in his court. If anything is destined to happen - it will.

The advice that I have been giving you all along still holds. When you are in his company - try to arrange things so that you are alone together. Then if he has the courage and wish to speak it will happen.

I cannot imagine that Mr C hates you for the things that you have written. Most single people would be flattered to find that they had an attractive admirer. Make no mistake - that is exactly how he will view you. You are a very attractive girl.
 
Just let Mr. C do whatever he's going to do. You've generously put yourself out there, and he has to make some kind of effort to bridge the distance you've respectfully set. You have to remember that a relationship doesn't work unless both parties are equally able to put forth effort to make it work. It's not like a movie, and once feelings are revealed everything comes into place. All social relationships, and romantic ones especially, require work that people are either willing to do or aren't. If he's not willing to do it now, then he won't be willing to do it later. If he is, then you've already given him the opportunity to show that.

As to education, I love what you wrote. It's the same kind of thing I try to drum into my students incessantly. Materialism makes it hard, though.

Also...none of my business, but I'd suggest you cut your 15-y-o friend a little bit of slack. In broader American culture, deceiving your parents and trying to establish your autonomy in your teens is acceptable and even necessary for how people form themselves as individuals. It is dangerous and stupid, but it's also a cultural rite of passage. It doesn't have to be one that you approve of or endorse, but you might think about what kind of messages she's processing and what she's trying to do.

Sophie
 
jw372;440992 Also...none of my business said:
little[/i] bit of slack. In broader American culture, deceiving your parents and trying to establish your autonomy in your teens is acceptable and even necessary for how people form themselves as individuals. It is dangerous and stupid, but it's also a cultural rite of passage. It doesn't have to be one that you approve of or endorse, but you might think about what kind of messages she's processing and what she's trying to do.

Sophie
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I somewhat agree. As long as she isn't sleeping with this guy, it's not a huge deal. I lied to my parents sometimes when I was a teenager..lol. Not about major things, but there were some things they just didn't want to know--and I didn't want to tell them. :)

I agree with Margaret about Mr. C. I have nothing more to add to that.

R.e. college--if you're going to go, the time to do it is now. Otherwise you'll be older than everyone else, and it'll take a lot away from the experience. You won't ever quite fit in, and you'll miss out on the traditional experience. Certainly you do not have to go to college to be successful, but you should decide what it is you want to do and then pursue the education/training you need to do it. If you don't know what you want to do, you can always get a degree in an area that interests you, and then spend your 20s figuring out what you want if you haven't decided while in college. Then you can always go to grad school to specialize further once you know what you want. :) Just don't end up like me--36 and not sure what she wants to be when she grows up. :D
 
Hi Honey! Big hugs this monday!

I'm glad you made the decision to give Mr C the letter. A very brave decision and I think it about time things get a little cleared up. One way or another it will be fine. In an alone time, you could ask him if he wants to talk about anything. Otherwise, its up to him. He probably has some emotional digesting to do.

Good for you for acting as the "den mother" for your friend. I know that I might be in the minority, but outright lying to your parents is not showing respect or, in my opinion, love. She is still under the care of her parents and is not an adult. Autonomy and a bit of defiance is one thing, but when you aren't old enough to sense dangerous situations, its nice to have someone looking out for you and keeping you straight. I don't think I'd have wanted to be the 21yr old. You are opening yourself of responsibility and liability by having an underage person at your house without parent knowledge. A big no-no in my books. If the girl takes only one-tenth of your advice than she's the better for it. Now I am not saying that I NEVER lied to my parents, but it definitely shouldn't be encouraged. Lying and going to a 21yr old's house seems like the tip of a bigger iceberg, being that she's only 15.

Oh my goodness 143!!!??? Amazing! You might need to put the brakes on pretty soon...and then pass the weight loss reins over to me. LOL!

Glad you're back, lovely!
 
I'm in total agreement with you, Luscious. It's been a week, yes, but truth be told, a letter of such a magnitude as mine is going to take a while to digest. It wasn't a love-note, it was my soul typed out on 4 pages of 9 x 12 paper. I don't romanticize my life, and this letter reflects my recognition of reality. When I've seen him lately, I can tell that he's still processing it.

The crazy thing is you guys, (and I highly doubt I'm imagining this because I've known him for so long) lately, he's seemed...softer. It's hard to explain, but I think, and I'm hoping, that my letter has caused him some serious evaluating in his head and in turn, has made him realize how made of awesome he actually is. Or, I've just managed to make him feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable in my presence.

Truth be told, I don't hold great expectations, and after giving it to him, I really didn't expect him to approach me soon. In my innate understanding of him, I know that he takes ALOT of time to process things. In another way, I've already prepared myself for the downfall. In the end, he can like me or not, and I'm ready for both outcomes. One of them will hurt a bit more, but I can handle it. I mean look at me, I've already gone through a personal hell of losing 145 pounds, what could be harder than that, right?

I've a feeling, that all of this is going to take alot of time to sort itself out. Yesterday I realized that I've either got him severly lovestoned or scared crapless. I can't figure out which one yet. The latter makes me laugh, actually. I mean, the guy is always bragging about how he's not afraid of anything, and if I managed to freak him the heck out by saying I'm attracted to him, then the truth is he's afraid of honest girls who aren't afraid to spit the truth.

The great part about all of this, is that I'm going to be fine with however this ends up. I mean, if he doesn't like me, my mindset is 'So what? What can I do about it? I don't want him to try and want me to appease me. I've too much respect for him to ask more than he can give. In the end, all that matters is that *I* told him how I feel, and it felt good to do it.' If he does like me, then...well, that's going to freak *me* the heck out. Why? Cause at this point, I'm honestly not expecting him to say he does.

I'm convinced the reason why I feel this particular way has to do with the emotional scars I carry from being 290 lbs and feeling unattractive. Of course, all of you know about my lack of self-confidence so I'm not going to delve into that diatribe.

Needless to say, I simply do not feel good enough for this guy, and I can't expect him to see me otherwise. The odd thing is, I started to accept that the moment I realized this was happening. I knew it was wrong for me to want something I can't have, but it was as though I couldn't help it, it was happening on it's own and as much as I tried pretending my attraction to him wasn't there, I couldn't avoid it. Crazy, huh?

I believe part of me wrote him the letter in hopes that it would be a release for me. I've held on to this for the past five months, and I was not only tired of him not knowing, but of me not being able to let go. Honestly, the part of me that expects rejection is convinced that this is what all of this was for. If it isn't meant to open a door, it's meant to close one for the sake of my own sanity. This outcome is going to be quite a bit more painful, yes, but I can handle it. I'm a tough chick. I'll get over it. Time will be my metophorical band-aid for this wound, and in being so, I pray that my cut isn't too deep to heal.

It's crazy to admit this, and maybe even partially unbelievable, but I'm honestly A-okay with whatever way this ends up, provided he doesn't hate or resent me when it's all over. This isn't going to kill me, so it can only make me stronger and knowing that, gives me a new form of inner strength. I understand that I'm meant to be experiencing all of this right now, if for no other reason than to build up emotional stability. I don't know, you know, maybe I need it.
 
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