My Story

[a-n-g-e-l]

hey you are still doing great with your eating and excercise. you have such great attitude with just 'fixing your mistakes' lol!

still no where closer to figuring out what you want?? confusion confusion!

i know what you mean about make up. i have never worn makeup and i can't stand dressing up...mostly because i feel i look ridiculous and also because i'm plain lazy lol. but i have never felt sexy while excercising lol... thats new to me...

have a great day

;-)

x

 

[bikinibound]

Yeah, I've never felt sexy when covered in sweat, either..lol. Sometimes when I get done exercising, H wants to hug and kiss me, and the last thing I want when I'm all hot and sweaty is to be touched..lol. Get away!!

I do, however, enjoy putting on a sexy black dress now and then. The only makeup I usually wear is lipstick and eyeliner.

That ice cream sounds yummy. You're making me hungry, and I'm still staring at H's triple choc fudge b-day cake from yesterday..lol.

From what you've said, you should just continue to concetrate on yourself and enjoy being single. Of course, there's no reason you can't enjoy playing the field a bit. Flirting is half the fun imo. No need to fall in love and settle down with one guy just yet, but also no need to be a nun. I'm not saying to have sex, I'm just saying it's fun to flirt and date and makeout. That's what I spent most of my college years doing, and i had a great time. I didn't have a serious bf until my senior year.

I mean, the only guy I can seriously talk to about this is Trev. He's really the only member of the opposite sex I feel *comfortable* being open with about this part of my life. It's because all our commonalites are rooted in the same place...amazingly low self-confidence and outstandingly high awesomeness. LOL.

Well, all I have to say is that the both of you better start having more self-confidence soon, or i'm gonna have to whip you both into the reality of your wonderfulness.

 

[photocrazed]

I realized something today, mid late night run...I feel ten times sexier blanketed in a sheen of sweat then I do in pumps and a pants suit. I don't know if this makes me less femine, but feeling my tank top sticking to me carries more of a rush then slipping on a black dress. I think this goes hand in hand with my preference of no make-up and hanging with dudes. That's not to say that I don't occasionally ENJOY wearing something sexy and applying smokey eye shadow, I'd just PERFER not to when given the choice.

I guess this is because I've an embedded belief that being accepted for who you *really* are and not who you *pretend* to be, is what matters most.

Even though I *am* the girl in the high heels and black dress, I'm more *comfortable* when I'm in tennis shoes on a treadmill, I'm more *me* then...If that makes any sense at all. Though I feel awesome when I dress up, I feel *sexy* when I work out. I hope this doesn't sound to strange. Honestly, the only make-up I wear everyday (if I wear any at all) is tinted lip gloss, and I wear it when I'm wearing my gym clothes. It just makes me feel pretty. I suppose everyone has their thing, huh?

Anyways, I'd say this diatribe has gone on long enough. As you all know, I love you all and hope you've had wonderful weekends!!

Much love and big hugs!!

Doesn't sound strange at all. You and I are a lot alike. =) I too am as comfortable in make up as I am out of it and actually prefer no make up and low key clothes to the others, that makes dressing up so much more fun.

Nice job on you 4.5 miles at 10pm. And don't beat yourself up over the ice cream. Once in a while never hurts anyone. It's the everyday habit that does.

Kudos!!

 

[Omega]

Hi Rae

I think that you did the right thing to run off those calories after the ice cream incident. I would have tried to eradicate the calories somehow - gone on an extra long walk or something! I am sure that attitude is going to keep things right into the future.

I have to say that I agree with Angel and Kimberly - there isnt a reason in the world that a lad wouldnt be attracted to you. You are an attractive person.

I can understand that it is all very strange for you. You are at an age where romance can be new and also your self esteem has been low until comparitively recently. Many of us have been big and know how the self esteem can be effected.

I can also understand why you may want to just see how things develop. One thing I should say. Try to stop saying things like "I'm not a girl, I'm just Rach.". It isnt like you are a boy! This type of thing may give a message that you are not interested when really you do not know for sure either way.

Of course, there's no reason you can't enjoy playing the field a bit. Flirting is half the fun imo. No need to fall in love and settle down with one guy just yet, but also no need to be a nun. I'm not saying to have sex, I'm just saying it's fun to flirt and date and makeout.

sounds awfully reminiscent of something that I said a few days ago on page 3 of your diary about Valentines Day

You dont need to be shopping for a husband to enjoy a bit of romance in your life. I seem to remember enjoying investigating that whole issue at your age.

Flirting is a useful skill and now would be an ideal time to practise it.

I tend to be most comfortable with no make-up (this is strongly linked to my laziness) but when I was young and slim I certainly used to enjoy getting all dressed up and putting on make-up. I think that perfume always makes you feel good.

Take care
Love
Margaret

 

[Invariant]

Kim, Marg, I'm like the way you guys think. The concept of playing the field really is kind of exciting. Even if I'm not interested in being an *item* right now, I'll certianly flirt around a bit.

I talked my best friend this morning, who's 28, and she suggests I grasp a hold on Mr. Confusions attraction to me. I explained to her his subtle territorial-ness when other men and I are concerned. I explained that he stands closer to me when other guys are around, and how he's always sure to lock eyes with me. She explained the rule of this to me as a crossing between jealousy and innate attraction.

Thinking about it now, maybe one day my feelings towards this guy will progress to something more, but right now, I feel platonic towards him.

Marg, you're so right. I should really stop comparing myself to guys. It's really all I've ever known though. When I was heavier, I accepted the fact that I wasn't so attractive, and I only ever wanted to belong. Fitting in was how I did that. It's subconcious, really, my need to feel like I'm part of a clique. The thing is, I *know* that my boys accept me, not because they see me as one of *them* but because I'm *me* and I'm female and I'm fun. I know this cause I've heard them say it. Maybe it's time I start believing that it's a rather extreme possibility that they could find more than just my personality attractive.

So no Ang, I really haven't figured out what I want. LOL. I don't know if I want to platonically flirt (if that's possible) or if I actually *do* want more. I'll let you know as soon as I wrap my head around it.

It's taken me a lot of work to calmly go about fixing my mistakes, let me tell you. When I first started this food plan, if I were to cheat with something like last night's dessert, I would have freaked out, felt depressed, and went to bed a sourpuss. I would have felt so helpless because I screwed up. Now, I take my helplessness into my own hands. I know now, that if I'm going to eat something like cake or ice cream, I'm going to have to run. No ifs, ands or buts. And you know what, I do it and I feel great afterwards. Four months ago, I got over feeling guilty and/or depressed about treating myself. And I'm ALOT happier.

Photo, you're right. I've noticed that we are alike in many ways. We both run at least 4 miles a night and feel drop dead gorgeous in sweat. Haha.

You guys are ALL SO WONDERFUL, do you know that? All of the advice you give me, I really, truly take to heart. I really love this journal. Kimmy, Squeak, Ang, Marg, Trev, Skim, Photo, you guys make my day.

I love you all!! (((big hugs)))

 

[bikinibound]

What a little mutual admiration society we all have going on here.

Rachel (that is your name, right? ), one thing you want to keep in mind is that a lot of guys will pretend to be your "friend" when they really have only one objective, and that is to get into your pants. ha! I'm not saying that is all that Mr. conf and the other "boys" want from you (although I'm sure that most of them would go along with it if you initiated it), but a lot of guys in your future may do this. Something that I have learned in my time is that most men think of sex a lot differently than women do. Women tend to be more emotionally involved with it, and for men it tends to be purely physical. Most men will tell you whatever it takes to get you into bed. I don't mean to dis on men--and I certainly don't include all men when I say this (Trevor, I'm sure is not like that. ). It's just a difference between the sexes.

I think what I'm trying to say is that even though your boys are your buddies, they are male and you are female, and I can't believe that the thought of sex with you (or sexually-related things) hasn't crossed their minds. It may not have when you were heavier, but now that you're thinner and prettier, well, they are only human after all.

Have fun playing the field, but just keep all of that in mind. I guess you can basically assume that nearly all men who cross your path want you. ..with the exception of family members, of course.

 

[Invariant]

Kimmy you've just made me so hard!! I was really trying NOT to think of the reality you've just explained to me...lol

I completely understand and agree with your post though. I asked one of my boys if it's true that guys think about sex every nine seconds and he said 'yes' without hesitation. I mean, lets be honest, I'm a hormonal teenage girl, things pertaining to sex don't *not* cross my mind, but nine seconds would be a bit excessive to me. How would I be able to concentrate on an essay? LOL.

I have no problem playing the field, it's getting to home base I'm going to make them work for. I believe intimacy is best shared between two people who really, deeply care for each other. That's why I'm waiting until I'm married. The whole 'finding-the-groom' part is prooving exceptionally difficult though. Haha.

Kimmy, you're like a big sister. I love how you're completely open to tell me these things...even when it discomfits me to hear them...

I HONESTLY don't think it would bother me if I didn't have an emotional connection with my boys. I'm not neive, I understand how testosterone enraged men think, it's the thought of certain men seeming me as more than a friend that makes me .

I really have to realize the extent of the 'I'm female and they're male' reality you've pointed out to me. I suppose I'll started re-interpreting signs they give me and see if they're any easier to figure out. lol.

 

[Omega]

I pretty much agree with all that Kimberly has told you. The fact that you will meet men that try to get you into bed does not mean that they are bad people - just following human nature (and the expectations of their friends). You are free to choose whether you want to do that or not. Either way does not make you a bad person - the main thing is that you act in a considered manner (and if you do decide to have sex you do so responsibly).

As you get older you may find that things are not as black and white as you see them now. When you fall in love you may find that you want him as much as he wants you. You may be less determined to wait until after the marriage ceremony - weddings are not arranged overnight.

The main thing is that you should never feel pressurised to do anything that you are not comfortable with. You will know if the time is right.

 

[a-n-g-e-l]

well kimberley and maragret have basically covered all the ground with all the amazing advice. i do hope you wrap your head around it sometime soon!

have a great day.

;-)

x

 

[Invariant]

Thanks for all the advice you guys! I can say with absolutely certianity that I'm taking it all to heart. I'll keep you guys updated on my love life as it evolves, (if it does)...

On a less complicated, lighter note, my dad and I tried a new lunch today. They're a rip off of McDonald's snack wraps, and they're only 180 cal each. It's an eighth of a chicken breast, a sprinkle of cheese, lettuce and honey dijon dressing wrapped in a 65 cal tortilla. Not only is it AMAZING, it's extremely filling. We'll definatly be doing this more often.

Laundry up the wazoo is what I've got going for me right now. I just sorted through it all and there's at least ten loads here. I'm so far behind from all this running around I've been doing in the past five days. My basketball games have me turned around. Usually, we don't have them back to back but we did this week. Now I have to reinstate my regular routine. Go figure.

Today so far, I've had about 550 cal and it's only about 1. I'll eat some oatmeal in a little bit and it will take me to 680. I try not to go above 7-800 before three. The more I allot myself in the end of the day, the less hungry I am when I go to bed. It would seem my body needs more later in the evening.

Well, that's all the update I can squeeze out of my over-worked mind. I hope all of you are having a really, really good and special Tuesday. (If it's possible to have a special Tuesday...I find Fridays to be more special...)

 

[a-n-g-e-l]

everyday is oh so special!!! lol! but fridays seem to special in their own special way lol!!

i seem to do that with calories but then i end up having so much in the evening and sleeping on a full tummy. i hate sleeping on a ull stomach...i like it to be fairly empty.

x

 

[bikinibound]

Your McD's chicken wrap rip off sound yummy.

The fact that you will meet men that try to get you into bed does not mean that they are bad people - just following human nature (and the expectations of their friends). You are free to choose whether you want to do that or not. Either way does not make you a bad person - the main thing is that you act in a considered manner (and if you do decide to have sex you do so responsibly).

As you get older you may find that things are not as black and white as you see them now. When you fall in love you may find that you want him as much as he wants you. You may be less determined to wait until after the marriage ceremony - weddings are not arranged overnight.

The main thing is that you should never feel pressurised to do anything that you are not comfortable with. You will know if the time is right.

I agree with everything Margaret said here. Exellent advice. Also, there is no rush to find a husband at your age. In fact, I think the harder people look, the more elusive it becomes. I had nearly given up on men and was just having a good time enjoying myself, and the carefee-ness that comes with being single when I met my H. Love usually happens when you're not looking for it. So I think your plan to enjoy yourself now is a good one. You certainly shouldn't feel pressured to find a husband now or ever. Each person gets married or not in their own good time. I was 30 when I got married. You are only young once--enjoy it while you can.

 

[Darth Pooh]

Rachel,

I EFFING love your posts. You are an awesome person! Very upbeat and motivating to say the least. I hadn't realized how far you've come until I just read all seven pages of your journal.

Congrats on everything and I am really glad to have gotten to read all this about you. Maybe we can chat sometime on AIM.

Best Regards,

Keith

 

[Invariant]

Rachel,

I EFFING love your posts. You are an awesome person! Very upbeat and motivating to say the least. I hadn't realized how far you've come until I just read all seven pages of your journal.

Congrats on everything and I am really glad to have gotten to read all this about you. Maybe we can chat sometime on AIM.

Best Regards,

Keith

Oh wow, thank you so much Keith! You've got me ing for sure!!

Yeah sure, I'm all up for getting and recieving support. Anything I can say or do for a friend, I'd jump through hoops. (Within reason of course, I wouldn't jump through a flaming, spiked hoop but ugh...I'm sure you get the picture. LOL)

I have been through alot, you're right. I owe it to God, my dad and my willpower to have gotten where I am today. I'm proud of myself to say the least.

Thanks for stopping by!

 

[Invariant]

I hope all of you guys have had a good Tuesday!!

I certianly did. Not much to report, tbh. My caloric intake for today was somewhere around 1700 to 1800. I really didn't keep track in the end cause all I was thinking about was scarfing down enough calories for a good run.

What I love about carbs before exercise is the amount of stamina I have. I was able to run 4.40 miles tonight and burn off 606 calories. It's more than I've done in a while. I can blame this burst of energy on the honey nut cheerios I'd downed, of this I'm certain. I've been testing out a theory and have come to the conclusion that eating a bowl of cereal ten to fifteen minutes before I workout aids my ability to be more vigorous. Which is GREAT cause I LOVE the way I feel after a good run. My whole body feels alive and hums hallelujah.

In great and awesome news, I found a brand of veggies that are so tasty they blow me away. It's an oriental blend of red peppers, onions, broccoli, water chestnuts, sugar snap peas and whole green beans, and I can eat the WHOLE bag (six servings) and it's only one-hundred and eighty calories. I get SO completely satiated from it, it's not even funny. It adds GREAT contrast to my constant intake of carbs. I love it and will be eating it again tomorrow after basketball practice...*is excited*.

I should be more exhausted then I am right now, I think. Given how much I run, you'd think I'd be tried and hungry when I'm done but I never am. It's as if my body is feeding off itself, (as grotesque as that sounds...) I really do believe that late at night like this is when my body re-energizes itself. I just feel so awesome.

I hope you're all feeling as great as I am! Big hugs to you all!

 

[lusciouslemon]

I am killing my self laughing at the Mr Confusion thing...been there done that. Only difference was that I was Miss Confusion (or more like Miss I-need-to-be-hit-by-a-mack-truck-to figure-anything-out).

I have always been one of the guys, too. Anyways this friend of mine from high school and I reconnected few years later in university. It was awesome we hung out all the time. Went out for coffee, drinks, dinner, etc several times a week. Then one night when I was driving him home and we were saying goodbye, he did the should-we-kiss hesitation thing. I was like what the hell was that. Now that look back how the hell did I not notice that we were kinda almost sorta dating!! I must have seemed like the most clueless, frigid chick alive. I cooled things off out of sheer panic, but now that I think of it...man, it would have been fun if I had risked the friendship and dove in feet first.

I say push it as far as it'll go. Throw in some bold innuendos and see if he'll take the bait. If he doesn't, then its only an innuendo and nothing more. If he's an awesome friend why can't he be an awesome catch?

 

[skimmilk]

Hello lovely. I am so sorry I am not on here as much as I would love to, but everytime I stop by I come to your journal and read your posts. I am so happy you are feeling better about yourself (it is tactile from your posts) and I am here for you. Lots of love dear. <3

 

[a-n-g-e-l]

hey good to hear you are feleing so great and you have totally sussed what your body wants and needs and how it functions.

keep up the good work.



x

 

[Invariant]

Hello lovely. I am so sorry I am not on here as much as I would love to, but everytime I stop by I come to your journal and read your posts. I am so happy you are feeling better about yourself (it is tactile from your posts) and I am here for you. Lots of love dear. <3

Ah SKIM!! Yey, you're here!! *bounce* Well thank you, love. I certianly am feeling better about myself. I just don't *want* to be depressed, you know? Life is too short for that bullcrap, IMO. I'm so happy you dropped by. Don't worry about not being around, as long as you come visit me every once in a while, I'll be a pretty happy chica. (((big hugs))

Like lusciouslemon said, we need to take risks in life and dive in feet first. (Thank u for stopping by, btw, chica. It's always exciting to see a fresh screename!) Feel free to drop by whenever you feel so inclined. And I agree with you, you should have just gave him a big wet smacker.

I've decided being extremely self-concious is for the dogs. I just need to be proud of who I am and what I've done. Of course, I'm not going to have the confidence of a super-model, but more than I've had in the past will be good for me. I just need to say "You know what, I've worked to hard to look better. I need to *stop* feeling like crap." So I've decided that's exactly what I'm going to do. Yeah, it's gunna take a while, but gosh-darnit I'm worth it. Can I get an amen?! lol.


So there are these two songs I've been addicted to for the past two days. They're constantly running in syndication on my Sansa. The first is "In the Air Tonight" by the ingenius Mr. Phil Collins, and the second is "Come Home" by One Republic. Now ususally, I'll listen to emo songs like these because they fit my mood, but I'm really *not* depressed and I'm definately not indifferent about life today...all I can figure, is I want to hear soft rock today, not my usual Fall Out Boy or Nickelback tracks.

I hope all of you are doing well on this beautiful, sunny Wednsday!! I will update again later tonight!!

Love to you all!!-Me

 

[skimmilk]

I am still here! Yay! I am cleaning my closet and listening to music, so I decided to browse around the site when my computer is already on! I will definately check those songs out. I do not know what kind of music do you like, but here's a great song to listen -- Kylie Minoque -- In my arms. I apsolutely love it!

I also love the change in your attitude. You seem so much happier! And happy is exactly what you should be. You have came so far, and you are an inspiration to so many around you. I am sure there are people around you who look up to you much more than you are aware of, because of your strengh of will and power to overcome what many cannot! So kudos dear, and amen! Haha.

Keep me updated! I will be here again really soon!

Lots of love Rach