My quiet journey to a glorious body

[Kori]

Brothers hey! tell the grot ball to go clean up after himself!!!!

Ok.. your food luv.. doesn't look like enough to me...

*2 slices of toast with organic marge and 1tsp of sugarfree raspberry jam; Approx 215
*medium well-done steak, No idea of size but let's say a medium sized sirloin 200gm with no fat @ about 400cals potatoes erm.. what kind and how many? and tomato & cucumber salad; say 60 unless you smothered this with mayo/olive oil etc
*1 tsp fruit laxative;say 20
*mandarine;33
*tiny square bitter choc (ugh - hated it tonight for some reason). dunno what size square you mean.... are we talking one little square of a row of choc from a normal sized block.. or are we talking Federation Square but let's just say 50

So pre-supposing I am not way off here.. and allowing 200 cals for the mystery potatoes..you have eaten the grand total of .... *drumroll* 978 calories today.

Or in other words... not nearly enough.


I am sure you should not be eating less than 1500 per day, of healthy cals of course

have you used any of the online calculators to work out your needs?

 

[Shinsplint]

Hey Kori - no I haven't done any calorie counting. But you're right, it doesn't seem enough... I should probably eat some more fruit or something... The problem is I find it hard to incorporate veggies into my day if I'm not cooking them; I pretty much only seem to eat them at dinner. Guess I have a lot of changes to make!

I'll try and set a goal for the next few days to eat more fresh veg and fruit; that should up the nutrients a bit with hopefully not too many calories (because trust me, I really don't need that many, as I have the metabolism of a snail and the stomach of a rat).

Thank you SO much for going to all that effort for me!
Will see you around.

 

[Shinsplint]

This is a little update so I can keep track of my emotions and eating patterns.

So Mum just got home from being out (helping out at a tavern in the kitchen, on her feet all bloody night) and I had thought that my brother cleaned up his mess but he hadn't ... and Mum was annoyed and ended up cleaning his shit up herself. I am so furious at him!!! Part of me wanted to do the cleaning myself (as I have done before) but the other part stubbornly insisted that he's 31 years old and should start taking some responsibility in the house. Then I got all anxious as I wondered whether my life will ever change and if I will ever be out of this house and away from these bad family situations... and realised it doesn't matter if I'm here or not because my mother will always have to put up with this shit since she overindulges her son and he never does a thing to help her......



Okay, I need to relax here. My mind is running away with itself again. It does that all the bloody time, you'd think it was eloping.

So I was feeling blue because of this situation... Mum was grouchy and didn't really have time for me because of what happened, and that made me even angrier at my brother. So when I made my cocoa I again took 2 biscuits to have with it. They're small and not very sweet but they are made with white flour which I'm trying to cut down on because it makes me balloon out. And I just couldn't resist! I was standing there crying out to God to just HELP me because I feel so weak!! I really want to cave in and I feel so lonely and unloved I want to die.

So there's that for today. Thank you very much and good night. (Had enough)

 

[miriamm]

I love love love the way you express yourself as well. Humor is very important. (if i can't laugh at myself, i'll cry). I'm so thrilled for you that you are able to see the results in the mirror. It stinks when the scale tells you that you've lost weight but you can't see it for yourself. By the way, Tampa is in Florida...you know, home of the partiers, strip clubs, Ybor City, Superbowl 2008...yada yada. I have some questions for you. How did you start the diary? I'm having a hard time learning how to use this forum. I just post new threads when I want to ramble on, but I would rather do what your doing...Add on to a diary/thread or whatever it is your doing. Also, how did you get your picture to appear next to your name? Whenever I message/post a reply to someone, it shows my name only, not the picture I have on my profile. Thanks so much and looking forward to hearing from you.

 

[Shinsplint]

I love love love the way you express yourself as well. Humor is very important. (if i can't laugh at myself, i'll cry). I'm so thrilled for you that you are able to see the results in the mirror. It stinks when the scale tells you that you've lost weight but you can't see it for yourself. By the way, Tampa is in Florida...you know, home of the partiers, strip clubs, Ybor City, Superbowl 2008...yada yada. I have some questions for you. How did you start the diary? I'm having a hard time learning how to use this forum. I just post new threads when I want to ramble on, but I would rather do what your doing...Add on to a diary/thread or whatever it is your doing. Also, how did you get your picture to appear next to your name? Whenever I message/post a reply to someone, it shows my name only, not the picture I have on my profile. Thanks so much and looking forward to hearing from you.

Hey miriamm! Thanks From what I can see though, you've already started your diary! I visited it just now... I'm not an expert on this site but I've just been posting replies to my own thread by the way of updates... I think that's all you do; and keep updating regularly so you don't get bumped to the back of the post queue!

You also asked about the avatar (pic next to your name). For this you need to go to User CP at the top left and down the left side you'll see some options among which is Edit Avatar. Click on that and you'll get the option of uploading a picture from your comp. Then you just press Save and it's done. Easy peasy Japanesey!

It's really good, because you can update your pic as you lose weight and everyone can see your progress - a great way to stay accountable; you know, so you don't post pics from 2 years ago like I have (shhhh! I was the same weight then as now anyway! lol).

I'd love to visit where you are. I've had Florida in my dreams for a while now; clubs, dancing, sitting under palm trees with nice music playing and having some stunning tropical drink..... *SIGH* The summit of life's experience!!!

Looking forward to seeing your avatar pic!

 

[Shinsplint]

I've just been listening to Miley Sirus (sorry if spelling's wrong) on the radio; the song where she goes (paraphrased), "I feel like I'll never make it.... I feel lost/can't reach my goal" (etc) and then later, she goes on, "...but when I make it, these will be the moments I remember the most." That really HIT me!

Because I had walked down to the shops (no car) to pick up a CD and also to get some exercise, since I didn't walk this morning (in dreamland till 1pm hehe). And I got so hot! I had to take my jacket off and I thought the building's heating was of insane proportions!!! So, 4 Billy Connolly DVDs and one Selena CD later, I was on my way back home, again, carrying my jacket while everyone around me was wearing coats and probably looking at me funny. And as I struggled up the hill (there's always a f****n hill before you get home, ever noticed?) on the way home, these words of Miley's could have been describing my exact feelings.... because I was huffing, puffing, carrying a bulky bag and trying to ignore the foul air and the sight of my exposed rolls... And I was thinking, 'Keep going... nothing is as important as the fact you keep just bloody going..... Don't worry about the pollution choking you on this damn main road, the roaring trucks, the dickheads glaring at you out their car windows, or the fact that you're the ONLY one who seems to be crazy enough to walk up this stretch of footpath..... Keep walking, because there is a goal, there is a reward...... and it's more brilliant and beautiful and stunning than you've been in the custom of imagining lately...... Just keep bloody going!!!'

It seems everything around us is calculated to stop us from moving at every cost; sometimes the devil is damn crafty in the ways he thinks up to distract us.... and I'm one of his favourite people to pick on, with my super attention to detail and little pet hates.... He says to himself, AHA! Here is a fun toy to play with.... she'll be easy mate, EASYYYY!!

Well, enough rambling for now. Fuck off Satan. I'm going to partake of a wonderful bbq...... Protein overdose, here I come!!!

 

[Shinsplint]

Quick progress report:

All I ate today was a plate half-covered in BBQ chops (lamb! ) and the other half in green salad. And did I ever eat in the manner of lionesses taking apart a poor, disillusioned wilderbeast. iggy: Inhaling was back in full swing!!!

I'm going to have a mandarine or two, or a mando and an apple, after some laxative. Damn it, I'm not getting enough water.... But even when I do drink like a fish it all seems to just come out my front end, like those Baby Alive dolls they used to have in the 80s (watch her pee!). I've found psyllium can - erm.... 'divert' fluid the other way, so I think I'll get back on it.

Body-wise I'm still pitiably puffy - fat health warning ads would love me.... My middle doesn't seem to want to deflate, though the legs and butt seem to be losing cos knickers are getting loose. Arms and back flaps look the same... I'm grateful for one thing, that I have a big mirror in my room and music.... cos when I dance, that's when I see how bloody pathetic I look..... I can't perform any of the moves I used to properly and it shits me....... but I know I have to just keep doing it and braving the awful sight of myself jiggling about because that's the only way I WILL bloody lose weight (cos God knows I can't stand dancing in public right now).

Well, that's all for today. The end of a NO CARB day!!! I'm so grateful to internet and DVD for making this happen, thank you, thank you.......

 

[ymcachick]

Hi Shinsplint. I can relate to the family thing. I am in very close radius to my family, which is not the best thing for me. I too get anxious and overwhelmed when I start thinking about life. I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to get out of here and away from all this negativity that seems to constantly find me in the form of my family, but that's when I have to take a step back and literally take it one day at a time. I have to admit, seeing a therapist has been very helpful. Sometimes we need a neutral person to give us some guidance and insight that we otherwise wouldnt get. Not only that, but it's also nice to have someone on your side, even if it's just to let you know that you're not 'crazy'. lol.

 

[Shinsplint]

Aw thanks for that ymcachick! I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. But maybe now we can console each other! I've been feeling pretty alone with this; it's not a usual thing in Australia for grown kids to live with their parents. I've just found it really hard to move out - for good (tried a few times but always moved back). Every job I seem to find ends abruptly, or I can't find a place to move out TO, or I'm short of money, or people lie to me and cheat me out of job contracts, as recently happened. I seem to be a magnet for bad luck lately.

You're absolutely right with your advice though! I think I will take it one day at a time. You're right on about the therapy too. I just can't afford it right now, though nothing would please me better. I think when we're around this crap we don't realise what an effect negativity has on us... until we're in a completely different environment which is more positive. Then we wonder how the hell we endured the shit for so long!!!!

I hope we both find a way to take the good and leave the bad, while still being able to enjoy our families!!!

Strength to you hon.

 

[Shinsplint]

Wow. First time I've managed to control myself over the weekend. And housebound too! Now all I need is a job and I may just be able to maintain this lifestyle indefinitely...

Today's food - I went BALLISTIC on carbs!!! (Probably to form a nice contrast to yesterday's no-carb protein fest). I'd heard of a diet in the UK: the Green/Red Diet. You eat almost nothing but protein one day, and nothing but carbs the next. (Then repeat). People I know have sworn by it, and I felt carb-starved, so I decided to let my hair down since it was Sunday and just EAT (though I'm still ashamed to post it here, what I ate)...

*Breakfast: fruit smoothie (mixed berries, tsp yoghurt, psyllium, banana);
*Lunch: 3 ham, cheese and tomato brevilles on cape seed loaf (that's 6 slices of bread);
*Dinner: 4 slices of dark rye toast with raspberry sugarfree jam;
*Snack: large Granny Smith apple.

Surprisingly, my stomach didn't feel too full, even after the 3 brevs. I felt like a black hole; swallowing up the cosmos as if it was a Smartie. Exercise consisted of an 80 minute brisk walk in the morning. My legs are still feeling tired but going up some of the hills felt easier than last time. I'm considering going again tomorrow if I can be arsed getting up.

Tomorrow is also my weigh day. I'm starting to really fear the scale now. Maybe because it hasn't budged in 2 weeks. But I'm really starting to feel like the thing was made by a psychotic person who wanted to screw with people's heads because most days it surprises me, either pleasantly or unpleasantly, and usually when I expect the opposite. For example, after a weekend of feasting it will show me a significant loss (a kilo or more), and after 2 weeks of busting my ass and being good all the time it will show me the same number day after day, even while I feel my tum melting.

Speaking of the tum, the fat around the waist is still there but when I look in the mirror it doesn't really look that out-of-proportion to the rest of me. I thought maybe I am losing fat off my middle and not noticing. Today, I was standing in the bathroom and I had a sudden flashback of what my gut looked like 2 months ago; all bulgy and rolly and fatty and streaked with bright red stretch marks. Today it is back to being on its own (its lower 'friend' [aka the smaller bulge that used to sit inside my underpants underneath the main bulge - I know, disgusting] has disappeared), it's a lot smaller (it has sides now, whereas before it encircled me like the Equator), and the stretch marks have reduced and faded to light pink hints of marks. I can also feel changes on my neck and legs.

I'm wondering if weight loss can bring on paranoia because I seem to see things that aren't there or think things that aren't true, all because of my obsession to lose weight.

 

[Trusylver]

Hang in there and don't panic about the scales. have you taken measurements ? if not grab a tape measure and do some basic measurement and use them as a guide.

 

[Shinsplint]

Shit Trusylver I almost forgot!! I was going to measure myself yesterday. I think I'll wait till my bloating has gone down though (carbs + heaps of water...)

Thanks for popping by!

 

[Shinsplint]

Weigh Day!

Well, I jumped on the scales today and......




**********drumroll*************




I've LOST 1.5 kilos!!!!!



I'm so happy happy happy!!!

This proves to me finally and unequivocally that a week of controlled eating and exercise followed by one day of relative splurging is the secret to my weight loss. Nothing else seems to work so well.

I've also noticed that on the kelp pills my spotting is not as heavy and I am having vivid dreams again, where without them I wouldn't dream at all. I'm sure the iodine is doing something for me so I'm going to continue taking it. I might even increase the dose to once every morning and night.

Didn't get up to walk today and of course, it's the most beautiful, clear day EVER. Life has a sense of humour indeed!

 

[Shinsplint]

A little side note: I don't know if it helps but I suspect it does...

I think relaxation/meditation could aid me in weight loss. I don't seem to lose as fast when I'm constantly tense or stressed. The days I let my hair down and eat I am also more relaxed and carefree, and maybe it's this as well that helps me to lose weight.

I've tried youtubing some music online and I came across this fantastic video. It is SO relaxing!!! I imagine with earphones on it would be even more relaxing...

 

[Kaiser3]

A little side note: I don't know if it helps but I suspect it does...

I think relaxation/meditation could aid me in weight loss. I don't seem to lose as fast when I'm constantly tense or stressed. The days I let my hair down and eat I am also more relaxed and carefree, and maybe it's this as well that helps me to lose weight.

You are correct in imagining that weight loss will not happen as much when you are stressed. Stress hormones, one of which is cortisol, will definitely cause your body to retain energy. Another reason sleep is so important is that your cortisol levels will go down if you get enough sleep. People who don't sleep enough have higher levels of the stress hormones and are more likely to be overweight. (If you want references, I can find them for you. I learned this stuff in my pathophysiology course in nursing school.)

So good call on noticing that about yourself! Keep it up.

 

[Shinsplint]

Thanks Kaiser These days I seem to be stressed a lot. Got to step back, take a deep breath and take life slowly I think.

Well, today I slept in till 10, which wasn't as bad as the 1pm affair on Sunday, but still... I missed out on 2 hours of work because I had my mobile switched off and work couldn't call me to fill in... grrrrrrrr...........

Today's tucker:

*3 tbsp oat-based cereal (with bran, wallnuts, sunflower seeds etc...); chopped prune and banana + full-cream milk to just make them float;
*medium Granny Smith apple for lunch;
*yummo steak (med) with equal mass of spud chips and boiled wild plants.

Took a kelp pill in the morning and I plan to take another before bed. The increased dosage seems to be doing me a world of good. Today, for example, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner, and it's usually the most stressful part of my day. Numerous pots and pans boiling or steaming away, trying to get cupboards open without bumping into anyone, Mum running around shouting at Dad to ask what he wants with his tea, brother decides to come out of his room and hang around the kitchen getting in everyone's way...

Usually, I avoid eating tea with the rest of the family, or at least being in the kitchen with them during peak time, for this reason; it's just too dang stressful for my nerves, as a highly-strung person. In the past, it has also resulted in major diet slip-ups, as I would escape to my room with blocks of Breakaway and Cheddar Shapes. But today, two things were different. Firstly, the kelp made my mood MUCH better and my mind wasn't racing as much, but just staying the fuck put; and secondly, I decided to start cooking before I felt hungry, while my blood sugar was still okay.

These things worked wonders!!! Stuff that would majorly irritate me on former occasions didn't! I felt like I was outside my body observing this calm young woman going about her business without fuss. I loved myself like this!

So I'm not sure what exactly contributed to this state of things, but I'm going to keep taking the kelp to see if I have similar episodes (or non-episodes) in the near future, and then track the pattern.

For now, I'm absolutely SURE the kelp is helping 100% with my mental clarity and energy levels (dreams came back, memory is better, concentration clearer). I'm curious though to see what an increase in the dosage will do over a couple of weeks. My hope is that my periods will straighten out.

I used to think Aunt Flo's bone with me was based on my diet. Wrooo-oooooong!!!!! Because a few months ago, I tested this theory by going overseas to Europe and eating an even worse diet than I did here (biscuits, chocolate, pastries, chips and millions upon millions of Bueno bars, which are almost PURE sugar). For 6 months I was at it, and I put on a stack of weight. How much, I'll never know because I lost a lot of muscle as well, being in a low-oxygen-concentration area. But one thing that did happen over there was that my period magically FIXED itself. I started ovulating again for the first time in YEARS. I couldn't understand it. I thought it might be the water (not fluoridated), because as far as I can tell, a carb is a carb and a fat is a fat wherever you go.

So I came back home and BANG! As soon as I landed foot on home soil, the damn period went AWOL again, to be replaced by daily spotting. Even though I am now drinking only bottled water brought over from Italy. I was bewildered and hugely upset.

So now I'm looking into all possibilities, no holds barred. I'm a researcher on a desperate hunt for INFORMATION! I want to know what the fuck is causing this disturbance, because it sure as hell isn't carbs, sugars, fats or any other foodstuff. And it isn't my weight either. I'm now convinced it has something to do with environment and is completely UNCONNECTED to my physical state itself.

I WILL find the answer! If I have to spend my LIFE doing it!

 

[Shinsplint]

Life is a Coaster!

WHEW! So much has happened in the last 2 days...

Firstly, yesterday I dragged my 87 kilo self out of bed for another walkie. Before I went, I took my waist measurement. 2cm higher!!! What?! I barely had time to gasp before leaving. At the last moment I took along my mobile... and lucky I did because not 10 minutes later I got called in to work - at 9.30, yIKes!!! So I had to cut my walk to just half an hour. Now.... if there's one thing I deTEST, HATE and ABHOR, it's having my exercise time interrupted. I canNOT abide it!!!!! I dashed off to work noting grimly that in all the time I had been walking I hadn't yet had a single day that wasn't cloudy and mucky. Until yesterday. So of course I'm dragged away and can't enjoy it!

Anyway, I shut up and went to work, worked and then prepared to go and do a body balance class up at the local college gym. I had done one last year and really enjoyed it... long, smooth, graceful moves with balls and a lovely relaxed feel. So I paid 14 bucks and changed. Went into the class and every other person there was fit and thin and the instructor looked like a little She Woman.

As we all got our mats into position she told us we had to take our socks off. If there's another thing I hate, it's taking my shoes and socks off in public. It put me in a bad frame of mind from the start. And things didn't improve as we progressed. I must have landed the only insensitive, self-enthralled instructor on the planet. Her sole meaning of life was performing impossibly difficult poses and enjoying how lesser people tried in vain to imitate her. She didn't know how to encourage, couldn't connect with the participants and - the big finale - she told me off in front of the whole class just because I tried to leave early!!! I was so upset I went and complained about her to reception. When I pay 14 dollars for a class I have the right to leave when I damn well want and not be humiliated! Fucking GRRRRRR!!!

So out I went - right into the 2-weeks-late RAIN. And wind too! My umbrella was no match and I was blown over to the tram stop and got good and soaked. Exactly half an hour later (when the class actually finished) the rain stopped. I nearly chewed my lip off at the irony and the Murphy's Law-ness of the whole day. Now - here is my point... In the past, after having a day like this, I would calmly go into Coles, buy $50 worth of junk food and stuff my face for the rest of the week. Without this crutch, I had nothing to cheer me up. I sat and frowned and avoided looking at people and pondered on my absolutely shitty day.

While we were driving home, we stopped at a red light. Directly opposite was McDonald's. Not knowing what came over me and not having touched fast food with a ten foot pole for over 2 years, I heard myself saying wistfully, "I'd love some Maca's right now." I said it quietly but my father heard me. I expected him to criticise the idea, but to my utter astonishment he said, "You want McDonald's? We can go get some." And he not only took me but he paid for my food! I was so touched! It was just what I needed.

Sure enough, once home and into the food, the crafty thoughts began to surface from their old hidey holes. Might as well have some bread too, and jam, or a nice sweet cup of hot chocolate. I'm not losing weight anyway... And I was ready to go on that. Totally. I was halfway getting the bread out. But I was delayed.... I talked with family... sorted out some stuff in my room.... and pretty soon, the fatty food worked its magic and I realised I felt a LOT better and didn't really want anything else to eat.

I instead had some warm milk and went to bed (after stomach cramps, it must be added; stomach is over Maca's I think! lol).

This I believe was a victory for me. I had prayed to God to help me and He did! I could not have done this on my own strength!!! He brought about the situations to help me rise above the ugly test I had come up against. I SHOULD have fallen. Everything that happened to me other times to make me fall back into my own ways happened last night. But I didn't fall. Because HE held my hand.

So now if something happens, short of big tragedy stuff, to make me lapse again, I'll absolutely belt the crap out of myself...... because it will be as if all this pain I've gone through has meant NOTHING to me. And that makes me want to work even harder to make sure that it doesn't happen!

Well, today was the total opposite of yesterday. I went for a glorious walk, over 100 minutes, and ..... I bought my first car!!!! It's a little beauty! Zippy Corolla with full electrics, stereo, goes like a dream and is super duper clean. I'm so stoked I can't even believe it yet. I can't wait to be mobile again and be able to go out and have a LIFE!!!

So yesterday's food:

*cereal with prune and banana, full cream milk;
*Granny Smith apple, dry bickie;
*6 chicken McNuggets, medium fries, ~12 almonds;
*bite mandarine, cup of unsweetened weak cocoa.

Exercise:

*30 min walk;
*30 min body balance (stretching, balance, upper body).

Today:

*cereal with prune and banana with fc milk;
*~50g small baked Snapper with herbs and olive oil;
*lamb souvlaki with lettuce, tomato & tzatziki in large white pitta bread.

Exercise:

*~100 min walk

State of mind re weight right now: Damn good!

Now all I need is a job haha!!!!!!!

 

[Shinsplint]

FitDay - what a jewel!

I've just discovered the FitDay website and I am so happy I did! This is going to make losing weight so much more official and concrete and DOable for me. I also found a few revelations about myself:
a). I eat WAY too much fat (meat, olive oil, margarine etc);
b). I'm deficient in vitamin C.

The first is because today was kind of a feast day, but still have to watch it on the meat portions. The second could be because of my weak gut and not wanting to consume anything too acidic. Must find a solution to this one...

c). My original weight loss goal of 130 lbs by Christmas wasn't realistic enough; I don't know how I expected to do it - magic perhaps? So I've revised it to 132 lbs (60kg) by January, which I know I can do.

Fit Day has made my day!

 

[Alta818]

A little side note: I don't know if it helps but I suspect it does...

I think relaxation/meditation could aid me in weight loss. I don't seem to lose as fast when I'm constantly tense or stressed. The days I let my hair down and eat I am also more relaxed and carefree, and maybe it's this as well that helps me to lose weight.

I've tried youtubing some music online and I came across this fantastic video. It is SO relaxing!!! I imagine with earphones on it would be even more relaxing...

...ahhh yes....What I specialize in....self hypnosis my dear!!! !!!...

 

[Alta818]

I've just discovered the FitDay website and I am so happy I did! This is going to make losing weight so much more official and concrete and DOable for me. I also found a few revelations about myself:
a). I eat WAY too much fat (meat, olive oil, margarine etc);
b). I'm deficient in vitamin C.

The first is because today was kind of a feast day, but still have to watch it on the meat portions. The second could be because of my weak gut and not wanting to consume anything too acidic. Must find a solution to this one...

c). My original weight loss goal of 130 lbs by Christmas wasn't realistic enough; I don't know how I expected to do it - magic perhaps? So I've revised it to 132 lbs (60kg) by January, which I know I can do.

Fit Day has made my day!

Good for you and logging it in there....I have trouble writing it down barely!!!

....step by step though...here we come...crawling to the top of Mt. Everest!!!

....dunnn dunnn dunnn dunnn...... where is my rideeeee already?!?