My quiet journey to a glorious body

Thanks zephyr, tru and alta! You honies rock. :auto:

I have been away again. Job (less) hassles and more recently, a huge heatwave that has had me locked up in my house doing nothing but lazing on my bed and pacing the hallway (the only cool place in the world right now). Hot weather just pisses me right off. I can't sweat for some reason, like I used to, and I find myself overheating, hyperventilating or something and finally almost fainting. Drinking water doesn't really help that much. I think I'm getting to the pre-diabetic state where the body dehydrates from an imbalance in sugars or something. Whatever. I hate my body and my brain.

I'm sorry to get all negative again but I feel like that Smurf - I call him the Hate Smurf - the one who kept going around croaking, "I HATE this! I HATE that!" even if it was something like a sunny day or a gorgeous woman or something the idiot shouldn't have hated. That's how I feel. Like I'm always seeing the negatives in life and can't see any of the positives. I see the positives but the negatives seem to always somehow outweigh them.

I don't know why this could be but I've heard from life coaches that sometimes people can feel that way because of depression, like if they don't have a fulfilling job, like I don't.

If anyone over 30 is reading this, I would really love to know: Did you ever hit a moment in your late 20s/early 30s when life just seemed to SUCK for no reason? I've heard a lot of people go through this, almost as if it's an inverse celebration of hitting 30 and rounding the corner into middle age. I don't know. Nothing makes sense lately. Things just seem really hard and not just because of the financial crisis. I can't see any hope in the future. This is what makes me think, "Who cares, I'll just eat." And back into the junk food I go. It's my escape. Because I'm not a big eater, I never have been. I just use sugar and caffeine to escape from my shitty world. Some people use sex. Others smoke. Others drive really fast. :sifone: :auto: I eat chocolate. LOTS of chocolate! :ack2: I go without it for a month? Two? Then I can't resist it anymore and I start again, until the next time I get sick of it and vow I'm putting it away forever. :cuss:

I'm pathetic! I'm a friging loser. :iamwithstupid: I suck at everything, my own mother is sick of me. My friends have to be bribed to go out with me. That's because I'm always ranting about how much I hate my life. They tell me I should just go out and get laid, I'll feel better. But I can't even do that! Because every morning when I pass before my mirror, there is this hideous lump of an excuse for a woman staring dejectedly back at me, mocking my dreams of old and my dwindling hopes for the future.

I'm lost. All this time I was telling myself I was fighting, I was a fighter, I was gonna do it. But the truth is I was in denial. I am lost, and there's nothing I can do anymore to make myself found, because no matter what I do, it always ends up in failure.

Ah fuck it, I'm going to bed. :(
 
Hang in there, yes sometime you feel like shit for no reason when your over 30 but that can happen at any age.

If you need someone to talk to I can give you my phone number in PM.
 
Thanks Tru, you're really a sweet person. :hug2: I'm feeling a lot better. I think my emotions went ballistic from the sudden detox I started a few days ago. I always feel like absolute crap during detox ... thank God that's over, and now I'm determined to start again.

Nothing much to say right now, only I lost 2 kg in 2 days and some mms from my waist - so it's all good! Let's get fired up again lads!! :driving:
 
Thanks Tru! You are too good to me, to be visiting my diary when all I ever spout in here is negative and self-obsessed c-r-u-d. So this is for you. Hope you enjoy it and have a great week!!! :waving:

Joke

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!


Taken from :biggrinjester:
 
Losing weight is so hard.

Yesterday I went for a 2 hour walk and came home absolutely stuffed. It was a good thing but then I went and bought a small jar of Nutella thinking I would only have a small teaspoon of it to help me overcome my ice-cream cravings because a friend who lost weight told me Nutella is low GI and much better than ice-cream. But who am I kidding? I had finished half the jar before I could pull myself up and today my weight is back up 1.5 kilos...

I want to lose these cravings but it is so hard when you have nothing to look forward to!!! When you are depressed and have anxiety attacks!!!

I can't find a doctor to help me, I can't find a job, I am stuck at home in a rut and my money is running out fast. I can't afford to join a gym!!!

I don't see any hope for the future and all the time my body is crying out for sugar!! @#%$#^%#$%^!!!

Losing weight when you're poor is so so hard.
 
So I'm up late watching some movie with Jack Nicholson and Cher, and eating Nutella out of the jar. And I realise that more and more in this society beautiful = thin. Or good-looking = trim for guys. All the people on BeautifulPeople.com are thin. After being rejected for membership because of supposedly being too fat, I am struck by 2 things: 1. How shallow our society is. 2. How much really smart people try to fit into this shallow society, even if they don't agree with how things are run in this show.

No matter how much people try to convince themselves that it's what's inside that counts etc, the truth is that weight matters when people first meet you. And when it comes to: making new friends, dating, interviewing for new jobs or just networking, appearance is very important. Nobody says anything to us when they meet us, as diplomacy dictates, but you can always feel that elephant in the room, that big, fat disapproving elephant, that makes you conscious of your every awkward move. You know, when you try to negotiate your way around furniture for example, like getting out of a chair in a restaurant, extra weight can turn these simplest of actions which should be slight punctuations in an otherwise uninterrupted flow of carefree conversation, into show-stoppers, like the green slime scenes from You Can't Do That On Television; the simple action takes on a life of its own, and dictates what people think of you, it makes everything you say less important or less romantic or just plain ridiculous. This is why as a fat person, I've always felt that people of equal intelligence as myself look down on me and don't give me the respect I feel I deserve.

And it's not a matter of giving it to myself first. I have perfectly good self-confidence. No, unfortunately, looks do matter and they do influence how people treat us and there is no getting away from that fact... other than to lose the poundage that is.

So as I finish yet another jar of hazelnut spread and plan another morning of cardio to try and make up for it, I say another prayer that I may become truly wiser... because as far as I'm concerned, if someone can't control their own body, their mind is not that intelligent, no matter how many degrees are hanging on their wall or how much money they earn. The body I guess is like a mule, the mind is the farmer and our life is the field that's waiting to be ploughed. Gotta wake up that farmer and get some work done!

Well, I'm going to sign off now cos old Jack is getting on my nerves with his yelling.
 
I think that attitudes are different depending on where you live with much of melbourne being very eletist when it comes to fashion and weight etc. but cities in general are like this depending on the suburb your in, probably one of the reasons I prefer to live in the country as I will always be one of those people that don't fit the mold especially when it comes to body shape. Not that the country is immune from some of the problems in the city (eg the murder of a kid in the shopping centre on friday) but the country can be more tollerent of differences.

It will be interesting next year when I head to melbourne for the National Titles to see what sort of reactions i get to my large frame despite having healthy fat levels.

I agree most of our society is incredibly shallow.
 
That's true! I've lived in the country and people are so much better in every way: less shallow, friendlier, they're more interested in you no matter what you look like, and they treasure difference more in general. I find in the city people only look at you if you stand out because of either a really good or a really bad reason.

Btw, sad to hear about the kid in the shopping centre. I guess city or country, human nature will always be human nature, depraved and selfish in some individuals.

I'm sure you'll turn many heads in Melbourne for all the right reasons!
 
I am the captain of a ship. My ship is not made of wood and my sea is not made of water.

My ship is made of flesh and blood.

My sea is life.

The storms I face are life's problems.

The winds that lash at my sails are thoughts fighting inside my head, each one trying to push or drag me in a different direction...

One thought says: 'You can do it! You can lose weight and quit eating things that are bad for you and realise all your deepest dreams.'

Almost before that thought is complete, another thought intrudes and whispers in a slowly rising voice, 'Sweet, milky, crunchy, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth, flowing caramel, pockets of flavour, hits of chocolate, Best Loved Home Brand, just like your grandma used to make, go on - everyone should have a break, you deserve it...'

And back and forth and side to side, toppling this way and that, with this neverending battle of the elements, losing the will to go on, wondering who the hell put me in charge of this ship in the first place...

I'm so eaten up with cravings right now, but time is continuing and each second that passes brings me closer to old age, the Time When Bodies Begin To Fall Apart, especially if they're not looked after. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, overweight, sagging skin, pimples, wrinkles, sallow skin, dull eyes... Just one of those conditions is reason enough to win the fight and yet the storm rages on, the cravings get more powerful...

I decided to come and post here tonight because I don't know what else to do to change my life. I'm not even sure if there is a brighter day out there for me or a better view on the other side of this mountain. I've been disappointed so many times in the past. I am so tired of the fight. I can't cope with my emotions without eating them away. And I feel so damn lonely.
 
Hang on in there.

Don't bother about thoughts of food or weight or shit for a few days or as long as you need. Gather your strength together. Plan what you need to do. Write it down (privately, maybe - publish what you feel comfortable with), small targets, small progress. Life goals, not just weight goals.

From a weight loss perspective, 50lbs doesn't seem an insurmountable target - I'm guessing when you even get halfway there you'll be feeling quite pleased with yourself, that can be done in two or three months if you hit a nice routine.

I feel a bit hypocritical giving anything verging on advice on a weight loss forum. It is well intentioned though. Best of luck.
 
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Thanks Splodge :)

You're absolutely right. I've stopped setting goals for myself and I think that's why the cravings and temptations seem to be more of a problem. Whenever I'm setting goals I always feel more excited and hopeful about losing weight.

I've also discovered lately that cravings only come when I've been eating 'right' for a good while, and maybe lost some weight... and suddenly I start to crave something sweet or fatty to eat... but after I eat it, I then don't feel like eating it for another long while. If I eat something junky for 2 days in a row say, the second day's indulgence somehow doesn't hit the same great spot as the first day's. I've also discovered that it takes a lot less than I thought to satisfy my cravings. Many times for example, I'll fill up a bowl with ice-cream when really the craving is only demanding 1/3 of that to go away. Why do I do this? Habit!!! So used to eating like a 15-year-old, and never adjusted to eating like a full-blown adult who's no longer growing or running about. So I've decided to go with this, listen to my body and give in only when the cravings are so strong that to give in to them would bring me nothing but good - strong - GUILTY P*L*E*A*S*U*R*E. :reddevil: Since those sort of cravings only come about once every 3 or 4 weeks, I should imagine I can still lose weight even with my little indulgences. Especially if I eat only enough to make every bite a TRUE pleasure. You know, as in not shovel food in automatically and enjoy only 5% of the experience..... But eat a few, good, select bites that will taste good, and stop when it seems like the pleasure factor is starting to weaken. You'd be surprised, this usually comes within the first 3 bites of something like ice-cream or cheesecake, and perhaps only the first bite of something like chocolate.

In fact, the only foods I enjoy eating more than 10 bites of are those foods that the first 3 or 4 bites of DON'T taste that good! Like super healthy oat cereal or muesli slices, porridge, undressed salad or steamed vegetables. But with all these types of foods, after about the 5th bite, I find they really start to taste good; their nuances of flavour come out, my appetite is triggered, I'm drawn into their 'zone' if you like, and I find a real pleasure in just mechanically chewing through innumerable mouthfuls of them.... which is probably the right thing to do!!

Amazing how it's taken me 30 years to realise something so simple! :conehead:

Anyway, enough of nattering on about food. I found a great walking track today near home, with some nice hills and great shade for summer. I went for a fantastic 2 hour hike which left me barely breathless and hardly tired, and drank about 4cm of the water in my bottle, which was still too much cos I was busting when I came home. Hmmm, perhaps I'm not as piggishly unfit as I thought! Legs are feeling okay now so I plan to go again tomorrow. Saw heaps of joggers floating up the hills and zipping round the corners as I dragged my fat butt along, and got inspired. I'm back! I was getting grimy in the dumps for a while but thank God that didn't last forever. Time to shake some flab now. :iagree:

And lock up that ice-cream!!! :blush5:

(The smilies are working again! Yay! :) :) :) )
 
Joke

Joke :rofl:

There was once a man who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight. He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."



(Taken from: butlerwebs.com).


:D
 
Realisations

It's really late and I have to get up in less than 4 hours to go for a hike but I have to write this in here because I've put it off long enough.

I've just made some discoveries in my life:

1. I'm putting a lot of weight on around my upper torso, while my legs are staying the same size, or even slimming. This is worrying.

2. I've spent TOO much time feeling sorry for myself and has it helped me? So from this minute I'm going to officially stop whining because nobody likes a wet rag and I think even God is starting to get tired of me.

3. I'm going to start frequenting diaries lower down the line (like, on pages 2 and higher) because I've decided that, while people who update their diaries are great inspirations, the ones who don't visit theirs often are probably more in need of encouragement (sorry if that sounds condescending, I'd just like it if they did it for me and I believe in the Golden Rule).

4. After a couple of therapy sessions, I've come to finally accept that yes, I am flawed as a woman. I will now say here what I have never said before. I hope I don't sound too glib. But I have serious shame issues since before I could speak and this goes back, I've found, to a particular incident when I was a toddler and several boys sexually harrassed me, something which I've never forgotten. I believe all my life I've been running from that moment, and I think it may also be why I can't have a proper relationship with a man to this day and use my weight and 'man clothes' as a shield.

5. I believe I have some form of Autism. My therapist and other people have expressed doubt about this but only I know about my little weirdnesses; like that I get so affected by loud or repeated noises or strong smells and how I need to have as little change as possible in my daily life, otherwise I totally lose my mental balance and start acting erratically and getting angry.

So, a week of hard-hitting truths for me to face and it's not easy right now. I know I'm just going through a hard time in my life but I wonder when it will get better. And if, as I suspect, I DO have autism and it IS a lifelong disorder and life IS at least 4 times harder for autistic people compared with normal people, then I have to ask: Will I EVER be happy in my life?

Take this example:

I get up in the morning and the first thing I do once my brain starts functioning (after washing and eating breakfast) is start to pray that I stay safe through a day of taking awful public transport. Stay safe and clean and uncontaminated and that no derro attacks me or tries to assault me, as has happened in the past. I get to work and as I enter the building my stomach tightens in knots as I wonder if I will find a seat at which I can work that's not in anyone's way and not too noisy. I wonder if I will say something totally stupid that will permanently lose me the respect of a long-time friend, as has happened before. I work until I get hungry and then try to find an opportunity to eat my lunch where my eating noises will not be bothersome to anyone who's sitting next to me and quietly working, or where I won't be able to smell the food of the person sitting next to me, as it clashes with my own. I leave work and wonder if I will be able to find a seat on the train that will not be across from anyone with bad breath or someone who's sneezing or coughing, or next to a sleazebag who insists on pushing against my leg with his, forcing me into the side of the train or into another carriage, or if I will have to stand or face some weird person's stare or be next to some annoying girl talking loudly or some baby howling at the top of its lungs. When I get home, I have to wonder if my brother will bully me or explode at me in a violent temper sending me shaking to my room to lose it completely with regards to EVERY life goal I've set myself, weight-related or otherwise; whether my parents will fail to stick up for me, as they have done before, and I will feel like I am all alone, with no-one to understand me because I am hard to understand, as I don't think like other people. Most of the time it's like: 'We know you get pushed around but it's partly your fault. WHY do you say/do that? You bring it on yourself.'

I need to know: Is the fact that I despair from all this and more, enough of an excuse to eat whatever the hell I friging like? Because I seriously think it is. When the world collapses around me, can I have th luxury of thinking of a pleasant future? When people give up on me, isn't food a justifiable source of comfort?

But I also think it's unfair. Because I eat stuff I shouldn't and then I put on weight and feel even worse and I don't feel I should have to put on weight because this battle is so much harder for me than for other people who have the comfort of great friends, a loving boyfriend, great parties and nights out and opportunities to socialise. I can't do any of that because I'm socially inept and have other issues on top. Where is my comfort? WHERE, apart from food? WHO is going to understand me? Who wants to be around the person with a personality disorder when most people are looking for happy, socially-adjusted, emotionally-intelligent people to soak up their vibes and brighten their day a little more?

So I say this to you diary. If it's just you and me, so be it. I'm sick of looking for the brighter side or the silver lining. I just need to grab hold of your hand, take what I can for myself and grit my cavity-filled teeth and just keep going, no matter how lonely or hopeless I feel. It's a bit late now to hope to become popular suddenly. I've been nice to people all my life and it never impressed anyone, less so now that I'm a frump. Fuck it. If being hot is the only achievable target in my life, I'll take it. Screw personality.
 
no one here is giving up on you and I believe I have a good understanding of what it is like for ASD people (two of my sons are Autistic) and I have several friends also with ASD kids, docters are usually reluctant to diagnose it in adults because it is hard to show the early evidence thay want. It is easy to see some of those symptoms in ourselves (I have a few and others have been pointed out to me by parents of other ASD people) but it is a something that can be adapted to to have a normal life.
 
Trusylver said:
no one here is giving up on you and I believe I have a good understanding of what it is like for ASD people (two of my sons are Autistic) and I have several friends also with ASD kids, docters are usually reluctant to diagnose it in adults because it is hard to show the early evidence thay want. It is easy to see some of those symptoms in ourselves (I have a few and others have been pointed out to me by parents of other ASD people) but it is a something that can be adapted to to have a normal life.
Click to expand...

Thanks Tru. :) It must be hard for you with 2 autistic kids. Luckily, there are advances every day in medical knowledge and technology so I think the future will be much better than the past for sufferers and their families. Most people who are easily diagnosed can get access to support in different ways but for those of us who are classed as borderline or even doubtful, it's a lonely fight. To be honest, I would love some extra support in life because I feel like sometimes it gets too hard fighting this battle on my own. Yet maybe I would accomplish more by just taking it all in my stride and growing through the difficulties... I don't know.

I feel like Rain Man now, I just keep on saying, "I don't know... I don't know..." :biggrinjester:
 
Today was a rare day of good exercise, 2 hours of walking up trails. Wasn't happy about the ice-cream and chocolate (and chips) that I ate. Weather is hotting up: we're expecting 39degC tomorrow. Woohoo. Bring on the even slower metabolism. I think I'll leave off the walking/exercising for a day, until things cool down. I hate a lot of things about summer but the worst is the fact that I can't exercise as much as I want to when it's really hot.

Gosh I hate how I feel after a day of bingeing! Anxious, depressed, lethargic, hot and bothered, irritable and SICK! WHY do I keep doing it?
 
Shinsplint said:


2. I've spent TOO much time feeling sorry for myself and has it helped me? So from this minute I'm going to officially stop whining because nobody likes a wet rag and I think even God is starting to get tired of me.
Click to expand...

I have realized I do this a lot too and not so much lately but when I wasn't trying to get healthy I was just feeling sorry for myself when I could have been spending that energy changing myself like I'm doing now. I did this for too long and missed out on some good opportunities because of it. Good realizations - it's all part of the journey and just as important as eating healthy and exercising. You have to love yourself and want to change for yourself - once you get that mindset you can do anything! Keep it up! Thanks for stopping by my journal and saying such nice things - really lifted my spirit! Keep it up and the scale will come down! You can do it!
 
So I say this to you diary. If it's just you and me, so be it. I'm sick of looking for the brighter side or the silver lining. I just need to grab hold of your hand, take what I can for myself and grit my cavity-filled teeth and just keep going, no matter how lonely or hopeless I feel. It's a bit late now to hope to become popular suddenly. I've been nice to people all my life and it never impressed anyone, less so now that I'm a frump. Fuck it. If being hot is the only achievable target in my life, I'll take it. Screw personality.
Click to expand...

Boo to you.

I hope you don't really hold that attitude and it's just a spur of the moment thing. Truth is, 99% of the time you can only guess what impression you made on anyone. If you assume it's never a positive one, you can close a lot of doors. Building up frustration and dissatisfaction about how life is going can be self fulfilling, it can make life frustrating and unsatisfying. Try and lighten the load.
 
I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've GOT to get though this. I've got to get through this. I've frigin got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've just got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I can't not get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. My fingers are getting tired. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. Let me get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've bloody got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I hope this is sinking in. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get through this. I've bot to bet through this. I've got to get through this. I've grot to gret though this. I've got to get through this. I've got to get off the computer.
 
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