My Journey: Positive Outlook For 2013

Don, funny you should mention photo albums. When we went to my aunts house to sort through her things we found some scrapbooks that she had done. One of them was from our early years of whale watching when it was just the two of us going. She mentions my name a lot in the book since we went together. Needless to say I got to keep that book! We had some great times together and made a lot of great memories in the process. :)

Mands, thanks! I had a hard time falling asleep last night and my stomach is really upset this morning. I tend to get stressed out pretty easily so I knew I'd be feeling like this today. The only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing some people I haven't seen in years. Mainly my aunt's ex husband and his nephew who I haven't seen since 2002. When I was in my teens I used to go up to their house every weekend when they were married. They owned a farm with a lot of animals (horses, cows, pigs, dogs, etc). It was my home away from home. My uncle (or ex uncle) still owns the place, but I haven't gone. It think it's time to catch up when them on that.

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Well, I mentioned earlier that I had gotten my period earlier this week would I thought explained the little spike in my weight gain. It appears that I had the right idea. I weighed in at 209.2lb this morning. That's the lowest I've been since starting this journey. It's 3.8lb lower than my Saturday weigh in. With all the gloom around this week I have to say seeing that number definitely brought a smile to my face this morning!
 
Congrats on the weigh-in! That is so awesome! Your hard work is paying off. I really admire how you've handled everything over the last few days...hope you're doing well today.
 
Thank you Camilla. I apologize in advance. This will be a long update.

Yesterday went well... as well as could be expected under the circumstances. We had an amazing turnout. I could not believe the number of people that were there. The funeral home actually ran out of seating room so the last several people who made it were left standing. I knew my aunt was an amazing person, but this just showed how many lives she touched. She was the type of person who wouldn't turn her back on anyone who needed help. She'll be greatly missed.

I've been experiencing so many changes in my life in such a short amount of time. With my weight loss I'm gaining more self esteem and confidence. I used to worry so much what other people thought. Now, I'm getting more of an "I don't care what you think" attitude. I used to plan my life around making others happy. Now I'm learning that I need to do what makes me happy. Another change I realized yesterday at the service is that I'm actually ok with crying in front of people. I've been to several funerals in the past, but never cried at any of them. I cried on my own in private. Yesterday, I just couldn't help it. Once the pastor started talking about our whale watch excursions the flood gates opened up. That was OUR time together. It was me, my mom, and my aunt. It hit us both hard when they started talking about my aunt's passion for the ocean and whales. I know that this upcoming season will be a hard one for both of us. Thankfully we're good friend with the people own the company and the crew so when we're in tears, they'll understand.

The family get together went well. I saw relatives I hadn't seen in years. I didn't even know who a lot of them were and I was "knee high to a grasshopper" the last time they saw me. Unfortunately, the two people that I was really anxious to see (my aunt's ex-husband and his nephew) didn't make it to the service or the get together. I was shocked that they weren't there, but I'm sure they had a reason for it. Everyone was on good terms so it wasn't about a grudge or hard feelings. I might try calling them in the next week or so. I'm not going to lie, I am nervous about doing so. I spent a lot of time with them growing up. They owned a farm and had many bonfires, we'd go fishing, swimming, play hide and seek in the woods in pick up trucks, we'd go mudding, etc. and in the process I even developed quite the crush on the nephew (we're not blood related so it's ok I think). I wasn't going to share that tidbit, but what the heck. I don't know. It just feels weird. Maybe I'm nervous that I'll see him again and the feelings will come back or something, but I do feel like I have to call him. We'll see if I do or not. The time will have to feel right I guess. I really do want to reconnect with them. I miss them... a lot!

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Well, sorry for all the rambling. I'm running on little sleep and I tend to babble when I'm exhausted. I didn't eat a lot yesterday at the get together which came as a surprise to me. All I had was a scoop of rice pilaf, a scoop of pasta salad, and a ham salad finger sandwich. I drank only water, but not much. I need to catch up on that today. My weigh in this morning was 209lb even. :)

Thanks again for being here to listen to me babble.
 
Hi Mandy *hugs* I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my favorite aunt to cancer when I was 11 years old. She was in indescribable pain the week before her death also and at that age I just couldn't understand what she was dealing with. I still miss her and I wish I could be a good woman like she was. I am happy I stopped by your diary because although I am crying right now, your optimism and perseverance has really encouraged me and I wish you all the best on your journey.
 
That sounds like a phenomenal service! It must be a very good and reassuring feeling to find so many others who loved your aunt as you did. I have to admit it was sad for me when Dad passed last Fall. He was 84. Only one of his siblings (out of 4) was still surviving at that time (and Uncle Tom passed away a month later); I called his friends from his address book, and he had outlived almost all of them... I think I found 5 people. Cherish the times you shared, and remember how she was loved. It sounds like she live a great life and left an indelible mark on you and others.

Sidenote: Great job on the loss! You mentioned how your attitudes are changing (self confidence, etc):

I've been experiencing so many changes in my life in such a short amount of time. With my weight loss I'm gaining more self esteem and confidence. I used to worry so much what other people thought. Now, I'm getting more of an "I don't care what you think" attitude. I used to plan my life around making others happy. Now I'm learning that I need to do what makes me happy. ​

I personally think this is a HUGE step forward. Run with it. I am more successful losing weight this time than in the past because my attitude is different... I am doing this for a bunch of reasons... but they are all mine.
 
XENON, thank you for stopping by. My aunt was also in quite a bit of pain. Her days towards the end were a mix of physical therapy with a visiting nurse to try to fix her arm and then she'd sleep. As much pain as she was in though, not once did she complain. She's an inspiration!

DON, sorry to hear that you weren't able to find many people for your dad's service. I'm sure he was a remarkable man too. I have a lot of respect for our veterans so even though I don't know your dad, he's a hero to me! :)

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Ok, so I have to ask. Do you ever get nervous when you call someone you haven't seen or talked to for years? I mentioned in my earlier post today that I'm thinking of calling my ex-uncle and his nephew in the next week or so. I do still consider him my uncle, he's family. His nephew, was a great friend to me too. Deep down I care for both of them and really want to reconnect with them. With that said, why do I feel so darn nervous about picking up that phone? I can understand the nerves when I think about calling the nephew since I was starting to have feelings for him (again, he's not blood related so it's not like I'm being a creep here plus I was much younger then), but my uncle, there were no feelings like that at all. He was like a second dad to me for several years. It's been years since I've seen or talked to them, but it shouldn't be this difficult to pick up that phone should it? I just don't understand why my stomach just won't settle down.
 
I found out I have some family that lives near to me and I also feel nervous about contacting them as I saw them last when I was really young. I'm sure they'll be happy to hear from you.
 
Thanks guys. I'm trying to work up the courage to call Saturday. I'll start with my uncle and go from there. Since my aunt passed I've been thinking a lot about the farm and my experiences there growing up. Looking through the photos just brought back so many forgotten memories. I just miss it. I know it wouldn't be the same now that I'm an adult, but man did I have some good times there! I just wish my stomach would stop flipping out when I think about calling them.

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Trying to get back on track now. I'm not sure what the heck is going on, but I'm not going to complain. I weighed myself again this morning and it showed 207.8lb. That's a 5.2lb drop since Saturday. I suppose it was water weight from my TOM that my body is getting rid of. The thought that I could potentially break 200lb by the end of the month almost me in tears this morning. My plan for today is more healthy eating, drinking, and an hour of taebo. Normally Thursday is my rest day, but I've had a couple too many rest days with what's been going on so I'm going to do it tonight. I'm also hoping to get caught up on all of your diaries too. I feel bad I've only been here posting in mine the past week. I'll catch up with you soon.
 
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Mandy, you are doing so well! Your weigh-in this week is going to be seriously awesome! And the thought of breaking the 200lb mark has to be sooo motivating! Keep going, you are fantastic.
 
DON, if you want awesomely to be a word, it shall be from here on! :)
CAMILLA, thanks, it's definitely very motivating to get below 200lb. I don't remember the last time I was that low. It honestly had to be around high school which was about 16 years ago and even then I may have been at 200lb give or take. I'm so close now I can taste it!

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Last night I did my grocery shopping and as I walked down the ice cream isle I said the heck with it, I'm getting my Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. It's been months since I had some and I think I've earned it! As luck would have it, they were out of that flavor! My next choice was Mint & Choc Cookie and they were out of that too! I was frustrated, but in a way happy. Guess it just wasn't meant to be. I left without any ice cream.

This morning's weigh in was 206.8lb. I have no explanation for why it keeps dropping like this aside for maybe water weight from my TOM. The past couple of weeks have been all over the place I've been struggling to get my exercises in (didn't make it to do tae bo last night) mostly this week, but on the other hand I know I haven't been eating as much as I should be so it's probably balancing out that way. My stomach has been pretty flippy the past couple of weeks so I've literally been forcing myself to eat what I can. I'm hoping to get my stomach to calm down soon so I can get back to normal. I'm a very nervous person in general and thinking of making those phone calls that I've mentioned is just adding to my nerves. I think I have to just call and get it overwith so I can move on.
 
Well done on leaving without icecream! I would have thought sod it and brought some, even if my favourite flavours weren't there! You're doing really well :) Keep it up! xxx
 
I get nervous making any sort of phone calls (hair salon, doctor, co-worker) so I'm not at all surprised this one you're planning has your stomach all in knots. But you will feel SO great once you've done it. The anticipation is tough, but the potential benefits of doing it are so high and the risk is low, right? Just relax, breathe, and try as hard as you can not to over think it!
 
I would've let you get the tiny container of B&Js. Maybe I'm too soft.

Thank you for making awesomely a word for me. I'll PM a short list of new words I'd also like added to the lexicon. Most are nouns, but a few are adjectives to describe those nouns or verbs used in conjunction with those nouns and adjectives.

ALL are words I frequently use while stuck in traffic.

You are being rewarded for months of dedication and hard work, Mandy. It doesn't all make sense to us all the time, but 2 and 2 added together always do equal 4. You deserve these results.
 
SUNFLOWER, I came very close to getting the PB cup flavor yesterday, but only 1/4 of that had 350 calories and I knew once I started I'd go all the way. I didn't want to consume 1400 calories in one tub of ice cream! I probably would've eaten the whole Strawberry Cheesecake one too, but I was in the mood for it so I was will to go for it.

LAURA, I'm the same way with making phone calls. No idea why, but I get butterflies when I have to make the simplest calls. Calling these two people is a HUGE deal for me. They were both very important guys in my life back when I was in my teens. I know neither one is mad at me and I'm not mad at them. We just lost touch with each other. It's the just the unknown of how they're doing and how they'll respond to hearing my voice after so many years. I'm trying not to overthink it, but yet again this is one of my wonderful quirks. I've decided in my head I'm going to call this weekend. When the time comes hopefully I'll go through with it.

DON, I never even thought to see if they had that flavor in the small cups! Bet they did darn it. I'll look next time I'm in the mood for some ice cream. I think we all make up our own words so whatever words you want to creat, feel free. :)
 
Ugh... had a horrible night of tossing and turning. My mind just wouldn't shut off. :( I got up a lot earlier than usual today and have already done my tae bo. Will be going for a long walk in a little bit.

On a good note, weigh in this morning was 207lb even. Which is up just slightly from yesterday. No big deal.
 
That ice cream story, was a blessing in disguise Mandy. Trust me.

You are really doing great considering all the upset in your life. I'm so proud of you girl. You are keeping the focusing and staying strong and that deserves a pat on the back!!

Keep it up namesake!!
 
Mands, I actually found my ice cream over the weekend at another superstore and couldn't resist. Oddly enough it didn't taste as good as I thought it would. Maybe it was my sub conscious telling me I shouldn't have eaten it. Oh well.

I'm definitely trying to stay on track. Some days have been easier than others. I usually take my dogs for individual walks, but Sunday I decided to go for a long walk alone. Just me and my MP3 player. I made the mistake of walking through a cemetary just down the road from me. I don't know why I chose to go there, but I did and it literally felt like a punch to the gut. I was bawling all the way the through it. It did feel good to let it all out though. I tend to hold my emotions in so it was a big release for me.

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Sunday I weighed in at 207lb again and yesterday and today I was at 206lb. I know I'm not eating as much as I should which is kind of scaring me, but I'm still feeling nauseous (sp?) half the time and the thought of force feeding myself just makes it worst. I've also not made those phone calls yet which isn't helping. I honestly don't know why I'm so afraid to. Ugh, I feel like such a baby. :(
 
MandyH said:
I made the mistake of walking through a cemetery just down the road from me. I don't know why I chose to go there, but I did and it literally felt like a punch to the gut. I was bawling all the way the through it. It did feel good to let it all out though. I tend to hold my emotions in so it was a big release for me.
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Maybe you answered your own question there, Mandy. :)

For some of us, learning to properly express ourselves is a part of this process of becoming healthy.
 
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