My Journey: Positive Outlook For 2013

Mandy - you are not alone struggling today! I am struggling major after being exposed to all the naughty holiday food! Don really wrote everything else perfectly. It actually helped ease my mind after reading that. His words are really prefect and I for one will be taking his advice and adopting his perspective. You should too :)

And honestly, when I was reading your post...I kept thinking "Wow that girl has incredible willpower!" Because I did have Reeses and I had way more than 1 handful of Skittles. You were able to acknowledge the temptation, and, for the most part, do an incredible job of resisting. That shows such strength! I hope that you are able to see that in yourself :)

I hope the rest of your week gets better. You are doing great, don't doubt yourself!

~Camila~
 
Thank you both for your support. It really means a lot.

I got some very bad news this morning. My aunt (mom's only sister) passed away last night. Long story short, she was diagnosed with kidney cancer late last year and it had already spread to her spine. She had the kidney removed and the cancer scraped off of her spine and from there spent her time being alternated between home and nursing homes while being treated with the pill form of chemo. She was at home when she passed. She had fallen a few times, but aside from that we thought she was doing well. Then the call came this morning from her roomate. We're all kind of in a state of shock right now.

My mom and I were both very close to my aunt. She was our third whale watching buddy and we'd spend a lot of time together out on the ocean watching whales. The season is set to start next month and even though my aunt wouldn't have been ready to go, it still hard to believe we'll never get to do it together again. I am thankful and extremely grateful that her last trip last season turned out being the best we've had in years! We were joined by several other friends and the whales were fantastic. It was a perfect day.

So anyway, not sure how much I'll be on in the next few days or how this whole diet/exercise thing is going to go. I'm going to try to take care of myself, but I know it means force feeding myself. I may go for a long walk in a little bit.
 
Mandy - So sorry to hear this. It sounds like you have some amazing memories with her, and were able to spend much valuable time together, so try to think of the positives in the coming days. Losing someone is never easy.

We will all be here when you return, no doubt about that. Please do take special care of yourself!
 
Mandy,

I am really sorry to hear about your aunt passing. She sounds like she was a vibrant person! It is a hard reality as we get older that we have to face mortality more and more. I lost my Dad in September. Although he lived a long time (30+ years!) after being diagnosed with cancer (caused by smoking) it eventually took his life. He was diagnosed with lung/bone cancer (it had spread from his bladder) in April 2012, and he stayed strong and feeling pretty well until July 1st. During that time we talked a lot. Good, deep talks. During one of them, I promised him I would regain control of my life and lose weight. I didn't share that promise with anyone, but after the services were done and the difficult holidays were over, I began this process.

His last gift to me was to make me realize that life is short and that we should make the most of it. Too much opportunity has passed me because of my health/weight; I can't get any of that opportunity back, but I can fight like hell to grab the next one. Take care of yourself, take it easy, but keep fighting, Mandy. You have a LOT of whale watching trips ahead of you. :)
 
Thanks guys. I woke up this morning realizing that yesterday wasn't a bad dream. I swear all day yesterday I had that feeling like it was all a bad dream. Waiting to wake up. Waiting for the phone call to say it was all a mistake and she's fine, but that call never came. Today we'll be going to my aunt's house to start sorting through her things and then we'll be making the final arrangements. It sounds like we're going to have a service for her and then we'll be giving her a burial at sea. The company that we go whale watching with already reached out to me and offered their boat to us this summer if we wanted to do something for her. I know she would've wanted this and I know when it's my time, it's what I want to. The ocean is my true home as was hers.

Unfortunately, yesterday was a day of comfort food. I thought I'd have to force food down, but as long as it was something bad for me it went down easy. I think I was around my calorie limit, but it was all junk. Today I'm going to control it better. I might even try to get some tae bo in. It's a good stress reliever for me so it may help.
 
Hey Mandy - Hope you are hanging in there. That was such a kind offer by the company...and by the way you describe your aunt, it sounds very fitting.

I understand about turning to comfort food when you lose someone. I did the same thing when I lost a family member awhile back. It's alright to do once in awhile, don't get too hung up on it. Exercise might be a great way to relieve some stress...either way hope you are taking good care of yourself!

P.S. Don always has the best things to say ;) I agree with everything he said!
 
Thanks Camilla. I am hanging in there. We're all hanging in there. My mother met with the funeral director today and he told my mom after looking at the death certificate that he's shocked that she survived as long as she did with the type of cancer she had. I don't know the medical name of the type she had, but he said it's a very agressive cancer and most people usually only get a year or so after being diagnosed. She was diagnosed late last year, but it was already advance. She told us that her doctors said most people can survive 10 years or longer with treatment. We're now wondering if she lied to us about the 10 year survival rate to protect us. Looking back at some of the signs and her behavior, it makes sense. She was very anxious to be at home. We all knew she wasn't really ready, but she wanted to go and she really fought hard for it (politely). I think she wanted to be at home to be with her dog and so she could pass at home if she could sense it was coming. She was also on a bit of a spending spree. She placed a lot of orders online as if she knew her time was running out. I can't imagine how she felt or what was going on in her head. All I know is that she was too nice of a person for this. She didn't deserve any of it. We're all taking comfort in knowing she's not in pain anymore. She's probably already tearing it up, gabbing everyone's ears off up there. She'll be greatly missed here though.

~~

I'm trying to get back to normal now as difficult as it's going to be. I did pretty well with food today. I made sure to get my water points and my mini challenge points. Exercise points were covered too. I did an hour of taebo and my watch showed 1090 calories burned. That's my highest number yet! I felt great afterwards. My weight was up a bit this morning, but I'm hoping to see it drop soon. I did measure myself again tonight and I am losing some inches which is making up for the fact that the scale's not moving downward.
 
I'm trying Don. We're all trying. Now that the shock of it all has passed I think we're all finding it just a tad bit easier to deal with. I know my aunt is in a better place now. She's no longer in pain. It just really sucks for the rest of us who are still here. Just knowing we'll never share anymore laughs or adventures is hard to swallow. We'll be having her service on Tuesday and then we're having a family get together at another one of my aunt's house. It'll be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen in years, but I really wish it was under different circumstances. Early in May we'll be starting our whale watching season so we'll be discussing using their boat for a burial at sea. There will certainly be a lot of tears shed, but she'll be layed to rest where she was happiest so that offers us some comfort.

~~

Ok, yesterday was a decent day for food. Not great, but not horrible. My mother and I both slept until 10:30am so breakfast wasn't a happening thing. Since my mom hasn't eaten much since my aunt passed I talked her into going out to Subway to get a sub for lunch. I got a 6" BMT and they were out of water (how do you run out of water?!) so I ended up getting a small root beer, but only filled it half way. For dinner we had pastrami subs (probably loaded with sodium). Snacks included strawberries, blueberries, carrots, and cherry tomatoes. I also had a few popcorn flavored rice cakes.

I talked my mom into going for a walk with me so in the afternoon we each got a dog and walked 1.8mi together. Before that, I walked my oldest dog separetly (he's 10 so he can't go as far or as fast) and that walk was .71mi. So, total I walked about 2.5mi and it took just over an hour combined. My watch said 548 calories burned so I was pleased with that.

Today's my first day back to work since my aunt passed and even though it's been an emotional day of answering questions, it's been a good day so far for food. I had a turkey, cheddar, bacon sandwich from Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. A little while later I had strawberries and cool whip. I just ate a full carton of blueberries (about 6oz). In about an hour I'll be having garden salad. Not sure what's up for dinner yet. I've also already downed 2 liters of water. Tonight will most likely be a taebo kind of night. If not, I'll be trying a new Yoga or Pilates DVD. We'll see...
 
GREAT job, Mandy! I know this is a really difficult time and you have every reason to lose focus and go astray... but I think you're managing yourself incredibly well.

Before my Dad passed last Fall, he and I talked about what to do with his remains. He wanted cremation and for the ashes to be buried in his plot in San Francisco at the Golden Gate National Cemetery -- he was a Veteran. At some point, I casually mentioned that I would be willing to spread some of his ashes in other locations that were important to him, if he desired. I mentioned Hawaii -- a specific beach he loved, I mentioned Pebble Beach Golf Course in California -- he was an avid golfer his whole life, and I mentioned Birmingham, England -- where he was raised. We didn't really talk much about it for awhile after that. Then a few weeks before he died, he pulled me aside and showed me his cremation "order" he'd placed with the mortuary (yes, he arranged all his own services -- he was like that). On it, he wrote that he wanted most of his remains put into a large urn emblazoned with an American flag and an Eagle (downright gaudy compared to Dad's normally simple ways). That urn was for the cemetery. The rest of his ashes were split equally into three "mini" urns -- one for Hawaii, one for Pebble Beach, and one for Birmingham UK. I have them in a beautiful case and in the coming few years I'll take each one to its intended destination personally. Aside from losing this weight, it's my last gift to him.

Sorry for the long story, but I think it's great that you'll be taking your aunt to the sea to be interred. Based on what you've said, she'll love that.
 
As always, I echo everything Don said ;)

You are doing great Mandy. Your aunt sounds like such a wonderful woman who touched a lot of people. I'm glad to days are getting a little easier to handle and I am so happy to see that you are not giving up on exercise right now. :)

Hope you are able to enjoy your weekend at least a little bit. Sending positive vibes your way!

~Camila~
 
Mandy I'm catching up on diaries today and I'm terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sending you a BIIIIG hug! You've handled it amazing and I'm very proud of you. A loss can really throw a person if you are not careful. I lost my mom in 2008 and I picked up a massive 25kg in the 2 years after her death. Looking back at it now I can't believe how I just surrendered to food.

So you are truely amazing in the way you are dealing. Keep it up girl!
 
DON, no need to apologize. You're a great story and your words are truly comforting. What you're doing to honor your dad's memory and his last wishes is great. I'm sure he's looking down at you right now very proud of you. Not only for honoring his wishes, but for how far you've come in your weight loss journey too.

I have a big soft spot for our veterans. My grandfather (who is my aunt's father) is a Korean War vet. Unfortunately, he never talks of his experiences while in service. I completely understand why, but I'm sure he has some amazing stories to tell. He's taken the loss of his daughter (his oldest of 5) very hard. He's not even going to attend the service. I'm hoping he changes his mind, but we all respect that he has to deal with this in his own way. We're all offering any support we can and day by day he is getting better. It's heartbreaking seeing him hurting so badly though.

CAMILLA, my aunt was an amazing woman! She was in a lot of pain during her last year of fighting cancer, but never once did she complain. She always carried herself proudly and was very much a happy go lucky kind of person. She's a huge inspiration and she'll be missed by all. Today her roomate is coming over with a box of pictures she just found so we're going to start sorting through them. We'll be making a collage for her service. I'm sure more tears will fall today.

MANDS, thanks for your support. I could very easily fall back into food right now, but I'm determined not to. I know my aunt wouldn't want that for me. She was a strong woman, so in a way I guess I'm trying to honor her by being strong myself. That's not to say I'm 100% healthy eating, but I'm not going crazy overboard either.

~~

Today was weigh in day for the challenge. My weight is up, no surprise there. Only by 1.4lb from last week so I consider that a success considering the week I had. I have no worries at all that it'll go back down during this coming week.
 
Good way of thinking Mandy. You don't want to fall back into old habits. But a bit of leniency is all good in a time like this.
We will support you through this time.

Big hug!
 
Thank you Mands. I agree that leniency is good, but at the same time it's important that I stay on track as best as I can for myself. I know me. Once I start slipping it turns into a slide before long. I can't allow that to happen. So, for the most part I'm eating well. I've snuck in a few snacks (sweets mostly), but I'm getting better control now. I can say with 100% certainty that Tuesday I'm not even going to try to hold back. We're having a family get together after the services and my family loves to cook and eat so there will be a lot of temptations. What I eat, I eat. Water won't be a problem though. That's all I drink these days (no juice, coffee, alcohol, soda, tea, etc).

~~

I didn't get to exercise yesterday. I was busy running errands with my mom to get things finalized for my aunt's service. This afternoon will be more of the same so I got up a bit earlier and jumped right into tae bo. I only burned 918 calories, but I'm very happy with that considering I was still half asleep. I just got out of the shower so once I'm dressed I'll be making more protein banana pancakes before heading out for the day. If I have time tonight I might bring the dogs for walks.

I tried to do Pilates Thursday night, but couldn't do it. I don't know if I was doing it wrong, but it was too much stress/pressure on my neck. My neck is one of my sore spots thanks to the arthritis I have. So, next I'll be attempting Yoga.

One more thing, my monthly visitor decided to show up yesterday so that may have had something to do with the extra weight gain that the scale showed yesterday. I'm already down from yesterday's weigh in. Not by much at 212.6lb, but it is still lower so I'm happy with that.
 
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Hey Mands - I know what you mean about pilates! I actually yoga is harder than pilates...but they both give me trouble. I have to force myself to do them...not my favorite exercise for sure. Great job on getting a good workout in, despite being sleepy! Hope the week coming up goes smoothly and that you are doing well despite everything that's going on. I know we're thinking of you here!
 
Thanks Camilla. I think once the services are over tomorrow is over we'll be able to relax a little bit and take time for ourselves to process everything. I'm starting to feel really anxious about tomorrow.

~~

I did ok with food yesterday. I had a couple of slices of take out pizza for lunch, but aside from that it was healthy food. This morning I weighed in at 211 even which made me happy considering the scale showed 213lb Saturday. I'm hoping to see the number get even lower as the week goes on. We'll see.

Thank you for all of the well wishes everyone. It's really comforting. I'm 32 years old and have only been to 7 funerals in my life, 4 of them since last August. This one is by far the hardest for me as I was closer to my aunt than the others. I hate crying in front of people, but there's no way I'll be able to avoid it tomorrow. It's going to be a rough day.
 
You're doing fantastically under the circumstances, Mandy. Sometimes the way we take care of ourselves is by hitting the gym or eating a salad -- sometimes we do it by curling up on the sofa with a glass of wine and a photo album. Just keeping taking care of you.
 
Mandy you've been amazing through all this. Cry if you need to and get it all out.

Thinking of you for tomorrow and sending you a big hug x
 
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