Becka I finally read you whole thread! I am amazed at your courage and dedication...and at your willingness to admit in front of everyone what you are going through. I commend you so much and I really look up to you. This post is giving me the strength to admit something myself.
Blair,
Oh gosh where do I start..first and foremost, I commend YOU for being so brave and frank with your struggle with your eating disorder [or disordered eating- however you prefer defining it..the former seems so much more extreme, doesnt it!]. Similar to myself, i could sense how incredibly difficult of a challenge this was for you and without sounding too cliche, I can honestly say that expressing those words out loud is a HUGE step- trust me.
I can empathize entirely with you as you articulated how you would get the b/p process down "to a science" and you would actually plan ahead so you knew when you could eat and be rid of it and when you would have to keep it in your system. That's part of the control that a disorder gives you- its You determining What you Eat and whether or not you keep it down..
And those people buying you the meals and the meals themselves are what I call 'diet sabotagers' or 'enablers.' Like you mentioned, similar to when a friend buys you a box of chocolates or your other half buys you a big expensive dinner, you wouldnt dare refuse the offer in fear of insulting or compromising the generosity..so you're stuck with the food and the mental mindgames that begin at the first sight, bite and swallow of each morsel. After a while of this perpetual process, you develop this mentality that it is perfectly acceptable to respond this way since you are not eating the food on your own accord... But once rationality chimes in and you stop trying to justify your actions, you open your eyes to the reality of the situation- you're beating the hell out of your body and making yourself crazy.
And again, I can empathize with the British fiance who eats all of that fattening but oh so delicious British food- I put on most of my weight this summer eating Chinese and Indian takeaways and potatoes, etc. And of course, the bloody British chocolate and sweeties that far exceed ours on this side of the pond. You always trick yourself into believing that "since he can eat it and not gain weight or feel guilty, perhaps I can as well", thereby ignoring the little voice screaming "You're going to regret this and want to purge after you finish it.."
And I would love to tell you there's a quick fix or easy cure to the problem but I'm afraid this story doesnt have the fairy-tale plot that our romantic lives seem to share. We have an obsession, an addiction if you will. And there is no easy way to shut off the brain mechanism that says "eat, eat" anymore than the one that screams "purge purge." But you can learn to tame it; to begin controlling it... I started therapy in December and while I would love to say I havent binged/purged since, that would be an enormous lie. I have perhaps five or six times since November which is a massive improvement from the 3-4 times weekly that my disorder had escalated to in the fall.
The greatest thing I have learned to do is to recognize and entirely avoid my trigger foods- cookies, peanut butter, ice cream..oh you know, all of the yummiest foods in the world. I can't just have a taste of these foods- the guilt sets in immediately and I know that I will need to eradicate the food from my body, which, as you know, then leads me to extend this mere 'taste' into a full-out binge. So, when I manage to avoid these foods, I can stay on track and remain somewhat sane! But that doesnt mean that happens all of the time, especially over the past two weeks. When I'm really stressed or really happy, I tend to adopt a carefree attitude where I think I can consume whatever I want and not feel guilty about it later- I delude myself into believing that the disorder isnt a part of me and that I can entirely separate myself from it. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth.
Eating has controlled my life- my actions- my relationships for a very, very long time. My mood is determined by how I fit into my clothing or what the numbers on the scale read; my happiness is indicative of how long I have managed to go without weakening to a binge. It is a realization that has taken well over a decade to come to but it is such a relief to finally be able to articulate and verbalize all of the emotions and chaos that have been terrorizing me for such a long time. I have an addiction and while I will never be cured, someday, hopefully in the near future, I will reach a point where I will no longer use food in response to or in lieu of my emotions.
As for you, just breathe. You do know what you are doing or you wouldnt have even joined this forum. Perhaps this new eating plan is a bit foreign to you, as are the primary elements of dieting but don't fret- once you pick up the few basic principles, the rest tends to fall into place. One thing you really have going for you is a very optimistic, motivated and goal-oriented attitude- that is something I need you to rub off on me!
What I have learned after trying 450 diets [I'm slightly melodramatic..] is that no "diet" will work long-term- what you need to adopt if a lifelong eating plan.. Something that becomes entirely automatic and that you can follow wherever you are in the world, regardless of the type of food or preparation. If this is what you do, then yes, you can most definitely maintain the eating. It doesnt mean you have to give up the "taboo" foods for life- you are certainly permitted to indulge every so often! It just means that beans on toast with sausages and ham and British chips should be a monthly dinner and not a daily one!
The most important mechanism behind eating right and working toward a goal is to be HONEST with yourself. The point of this forum is to be brutally sincere with yourself; the anonymity eradicates the fear of someone 'finding you out' that you know. We are all here for a reason and there should be nothing you feel ashamed about. If you consume 5000 calories in one meal, write about it- write about how it made you feel. If you b/p, write about it- or write to me alone and tell me why you did it and how you felt about it. You won't believe the effect that honestly can have on your well-being. For the first time in my life, i have begun to be honest with myself as of late and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's like, "I have an eating disorder, so what? I'm working my tail off to attempt to control it so if I screw up every so often, I just need to get back on track right away before I let myselg go again." Honesty is KEY here.
Fooling yourself will only lead to disaster and ineffectiveness. Try your eating plan for a few weeks and if you find it to be a huge effort to attempt to maintain or find it unenjoyable/too complicated or anything but 'ideal' for you, try something new. If I have learned anything in my 23 years it is that when it comes to losing weight, you just need to figure out what works for you. I'm so proud of you and I look up to YOU for your honesty with yourself and everyone on this forum! You're amazing!
