MasterofJune's Diary *There is no spoon*

aight, we get over 'hump week' and balance shit out again. a lil more of this, a lil less of that. You know how this game is played. The epidural matter will occasional hurt on these journeys, for sure.

Stay upbeat, bro - this coming from the King of Swing (moods, that is)


Peace ya.
 
T2 Trucker said:
aight, we get over 'hump week' and balance shit out again. a lil more of this, a lil less of that. You know how this game is played. The epidural matter will occasional hurt on these journeys, for sure.

Stay upbeat, bro - this coming from the King of Swing (moods, that is)


Peace ya.
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Peace to you too man.

At least I didn't sway the other way and eat a gallon of Bunny Tracks right?
 
Hey Dan,
Sorry to hear you've had a rough week! But the great thing is that you didn't revert back to bad old habits r.e. food. And 40+lbs lost is absolutely fantastic!! Go Dan! Go Dan!:jump: Sorry the Cardinals aren't doing well this year. How about becoming a temporary Tigers fan if they make the playoffs? :D
 
Hi! Thanks for the visit! :D I like your new avvie! It looks like it reflects a changing look for you - a good change. :)

I'm sorry the "server update which should only take a few minutes" seems to have swallowed my last post to you. I was also sorry to hear that you were feeling bad enough for it to have taken your appetite. That's extreme.

However - way to go for a change back to something more healthy!! :) Well done on getting through and keeping going. It is soooo worth it. Of course, I know you know that already, but a great thing about this process is that there are also bound to be pleasant surprises coming for you along the way. :)
 
MasterofJune said:
Once again, thanks to everyone for their kind words.

My life seems to be settling down, and I am breaking out and rejoining my exercise routine tomorrow. I have had four days without exercise, and very little food intake to boot. Things seem to be improving.

It has been very hard to eat the past four days, and have only had an intake of around 1000 calories but I am going to try to hit my goal intake of 1700-2000 calories today. I am eating pizza later, so I should have no problem ;).

After my follow-up with the doctor today I learned that I lost another 4 pounds over the last three days. This is not good. My doctor informed me that I need to at least take in 1700 calories to stay healthy. I have been hitting a brick wall as far as energy goes for the last few days, so I hope to break out of it. The good thing is that I am wearing a shirt today that I last fit into comfortably in 2001.

So, four more pounds down, but not a healthy four pounds.

I almost don't want to update the ticker, but I have to stay honest with myself, even though it wasn't healthy.

Peace to you all.

D
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Well hopefully things improve, you get back on the healthy track & the pounds stay off no matter how it was you lost them. Each day is a new chance to do what we need to. Maybe a protein shake would be good for you. I used to make one each morning with this Spirutein stuff & frozen fruit. Then I would add in vanilla soymilk & a bit of apple juice. Got me going & ended up being more cals than I actually needed so I have cut back down some. I am amazed at the punch juices can do, but if you are without an appetite & needing the cals, it might be an idea for you.

Also be sure to take a vitamin if you know you aren't eating right at the moment, that may help your energy level. I deal with depression at times that zaps me down & can tell a difference if I get in a habit of taking my vitamins, especially the B ones.

Hang in there.

as they say...it can't rain all the time.

Good luck.
 
Hey Dan,

Sorry to read of your troubling week. I hope that things have turned around in the direction you want them to be. It's really good though that you didn't turn back to your old eating habits. 40 lbs down is awesome man. Your new picture really shows all the hard work you've put in. Looking good ! Keep on keepin on!:beerchug:
Paul
 
Hang in there.

as they say...it can't rain all the time.

Good luck.

Thanks Moon. I am starting to come around. I am taking a daily vitamin with energy everyday. I have just been shut down for a week. Like Randy said, it's "hump week". I added some high protein cereal bars and a glass of skim milk to my daily intake, so that is helping out.

Your new picture really shows all the hard work you've put in. Looking good ! Keep on keepin on!

Thanks Paul...Your pictures get better and better dude! One of these days, I will see a jawline in my photo too. Lucky duck.

Hey D, I just wanted to wish you congrats on your 40 lbs down. That is absolutely amazing! Good job .

Thanks Blancita!!! It's hard to believe that I have already lost that much. I just know this is the time where I actually reach and maintain my goal. I haven't been 200 pounds since I was a kid (probably around 11 or 12). This is a whole new experience for me. I have to slow down to actually realize what is happening with my body and my health. It's a great experience.


Well, It was pizza night, and I faithfully accepted the fact that in my new lifestyle that I cannot live without pizza. I didn't overdo it though...I promise.

Peace to you all

D
 
I saw this Thread in the on topic forum titled How did you become overweight? and before I knew it, I was rambling on with how this may have happened, and ended up writing what I thought was more of a journal entry, so I decided that I would post it here instead. This is a bit lengthy, so bear with me here.

It all started with my teeth. My baby teeth were horrible, and when I was a kid, I couldn't eat anything at all.

After I got my teeth fixed as a kid, I started eating. My parents let me have whatever I wanted because I was deprived. When they stopped letting me have what I wanted, I would sneak everything that I could get my hands on.

This continued. I guess I started getting really fat about 1988. I was thirteen, and I remember that there was this promotion that summer that Burger King was doing with Pepsi cans. If the cans had a "BK" printed inside, you got a free Whopper. My friend Damon and I would go around looking for cans, and living in St. Louis, we had like two Burger Kings in walking distance. We would walk to one, get the burger and scam a Sprite. They had self serve water right there incorporated into the soda fountain. We would wait until the person behind the counter wasn't looking and get Sprite instead. Then we would take more cans to the other Burger King, scam another Sprite, and eat another Whopper. We always added cheese to them too. It was only 20 cents to add it, so we would eat two Whoppers a day with large Sprites for about 42 cents. All of this unbeknown to my folks.

When I started getting a little bit older and taller, my weight gain stopped and I looked pretty damn good in High School, (retrospectively you find out that you didn't look as bad as you thought at the time) but I had a terrible self image. I was about 250 pounds, and could wear a size 38 pants and an XL-XXL shirt pretty comfortably. I met my wife when I was 17, had an "oops" with my daughter, and as soon as I was married, I guess you could say that I was fat and happy. My pants still fit after about a year, but of course, I had to button them below my belly. My crack would show every time I bent over, but I still bragged that I was still in my 38 jeans. After a few more years, the 38 around my waist (below my belly) turned into a 44. I got into the style where baggy jeans and what not looked cool, so I purposely ordered some 46 through 50 jeans from JC Penny, and discovered that they didn't look too bad when they were pulled up around my belly. I was 300 pounds then. I ballooned up to 352 pounds between then and this past spring. I have a photo that was taken when My friend Drew was visiting from the Military a couple of years ago, and I think I was probably around 365 to 370. I have that photo on my refrigerator, and I look at it every day. I remember that I had one or two shirts that actually fit me, and a couple pairs of sweat shorts that fit pretty good. Somehow I got over that ballooning and settled in at 352 pounds.

Since then I have awoken from my sleep and I actually believe that my goal will be reached. I know that the weight loss will slow down at some point. I mean...It has to right? When it does, I will continue to try my hardest and shake things up a bit, and just keep on keepin' on. I am going to Busch Stadium on Wednesday to watch the Cards take on the Phillies, and for the first time, I think I will actually feel more comfortable in those seats. I may actually fit in them pretty good now. The last time I went I was in June at Kaufmann Stadium to see the Cards and Royals battle it out in inner league play, and I still weighed around 350. I fit okay in the seats. I told my wife that I was comfortable, but I really didn't feel that great in them. I went to a concert at the UMB Bank Pavillion to Horde fest when I was in that phase of about 360-370 pounds and I was pretty damn uncomfortable. We actually went out to the lawn for the show.

I am now 308.5 pounds, and I can actually fit into those clothes I bought from JC Penny again. I am nowhere near my goal, but it is in sight. It's like looking at a mountain range that is miles and miles away, but you know that you are heading in the right direction. I cannot lose sight of that.

It's more than a goal for me.

It is my destiny.

Peace to you all.
 
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I think this last one may be my favorite journal entry or post of yours ever Dan.

I was reminded of childhood and the innocence of that from your section on BK.

All those future possibilities missed out on because of weight but regardless there were still good times that I had back then which I look back on fondly and makes me tear up a little to think of.

And you are headed in the right direction, never doubt that.

The weight you've lost I tell you over and over again you have already saved your life.

Now with every day of struggle you are simply in the process of improving it even more.

You went from death to life and now you are busy finding the joy and in the end you will have that and fulfillment.
 
The change you've made counts so much.

The old picture on the fridge is a great idea. I have my before pic burned in my brain I think. I hope so, because I think it is absolutely vital to know how much a change like ours matters, and what the consequences will be if we do not continue with it.

It's an amazing thing with those mountains in the distance. You can get used to them coming closer as though having them come closer was it's own form of stasis, and yet, time moves on, and just keeping on will actually bring you to them. :)

That thing of fitting in the seats is a genuine big deal in more ways than one isn't it? Congrats on the change. :)
 
I was reminded of childhood and the innocence of that from your section on BK.

All those future possibilities missed out on because of weight but regardless there were still good times that I had back then which I look back on fondly and makes me tear up a little to think of.
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Thinking about that summer always makes me feel nostalgic and sad. It was one of those summers that never wanted to end.

The future possibilities are still there Brother. Just think...everything we missed out on will be sweeter now, because you never really appreciate those possibilities when you are experiencing them. I know that I didn't. I look back at my times in middle and high school and I wish that I had just taken a few moments to realize where I was in life and take a look around.

The old picture on the fridge is a great idea. I have my before pic burned in my brain I think. I hope so, because I think it is absolutely vital to know how much a change like ours matters, and what the consequences will be if we do not continue with it.
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Absolutely. I look at that picture everyday, and I am a different person now than in that picture. I feel so different. You can really see the misery and desperation in my eyes, as opposed to hope and resolve. That is the thing that scares me the most about those consequences. Just being in that state of mind was awful.
 
It's interesting, the early memories of overeating.

I remember the first time I stole food. My Mother brought home a package of 6 Entenman's chocolate covered donuts. We were very poor and this was a real treat for us. There were four in my family, my Mom and two Sisters (Dad long gone). So there was one for each of us and two left over. We each had one. I remember thinking that this was the best food I ever put into my mouth. I hadn't gotten halfway through before thinking that I MUST have the rest of them.

After we finished our treat, we went out to play but I waited until everybody was elsewhere, snuck back inside and ate both of the donuts, while hiding under the dining room table.

Of course as soon as I finished them I felt bad, physically and emotionally. I was punished and was truly sorry (both of my Sisters cried when they found out they were gone).

But the die was cast. I wasn't to be trusted around treats of any kind...but it didn't really stop me. I was on the road to a life of food crimes, like mowing the neighbor's lawn for a dollar and telling my Mom I only got 75 cents so I could spend the extra quarter on 5 candy bars. (Yep, full sized candy bars were a nickle back in the early 1960's)

The secret eating continued until last July...40 years.

It's all part of the low self esteem that comes with a lifetime of obesity. It's good to see you coming to terms with it while you are still young.

David C
 
Hi guys!!!


I know it's been a long time, but I wanted everyone to know that I am still on my weight loss journey. I haven't weighed myself for awhile now, because the scale at work is broken, but I am going to see my doctor again on Friday so I will have another update, and hopefully pounds lost.

My life has been chaotic lately and that's why I haven't posted in soooo long. I hope all of you are well, and I will give you a full update tomorrow.

Peace to you all

D
 
Hey Guys...

It has been waaaay to long since my last entry.

I have been so busy, that I haven't had much of a chance.

I have continued my weight loss journey and have lost another 3.5 lbs since my last weigh in. I have continued to eat right. That I will not stop doing at all.

Things have slowed down considerably, but I am still losing, so I'm not upset about it.

The reason???

I haven't exercised properly in weeks.

My water intake has been close to nil.

Time to get back on track, my friends.

I hit a lull, but this will be good. Now my body Is going to be shocked again, and I hope to get another 25-30 lbs gone pretty quickly like the last time I went on the insane loss. I am waiting until this weekend to start my walking again. The weather here is hot and humid, and that has been my excuse, but it's not a good one, because I was walking in 100 degree heat the last time.

I just guess I needed a little bit of a break to enjoy life for awhile, and get settled in again. My psychological state is back on track, and it's time to get over these "hump" weeks that Randy talks about.

Peace to you all,

D
 
LMAO, nice hat Dan.

You are looking almost exactly like my cousin Trevor with it on lol!

In anycase we both had about an equal loss.

I myself lost 4lbs to your 3.5lbs.

Once I can add a number 16 to that I'll update my diary as well.

Glad you're doing well and life seems to be stabilizing for you, also I'm glad you're still alive rotflmfao!!!

You been gone a long time brother.
 
MasterofJune said:
Hey Guys...

I just guess I needed a little bit of a break to enjoy life for awhile, and get settled in again. My psychological state is back on track, and it's time to get over these "hump" weeks that Randy talks about.

Peace to you all,

D
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Hi MoJ

The above statement makes me uneasy. You seem very intense, and that's good, very good. But maintaining that level of intensity over the long term (the rest of your life term) will be exhausting. You are making a heroic effort to lose the weight and that's important.

But you still sound like you are still thinking like a fat person. The implication is, "I'm doing this huge, distasteful thing here and I just guess I needed a little bit of a break to enjoy life for awhile, and get settled in again.

The changes that you make now, which are going to make you fit and healthy need to be incorporated into your baseline being. They need to become your enjoyment, your refuge. Not a temporary effort you make until you are a healthy weight. Or else you get fat again when you stop pushing. It's that simple.

It never ends.

When you get down to your goal weight, unless you have made a fundamental shift in how you regard food and exercise, the weight will come back. The fundamental shift I am talking about is not an automatic gift you receive after losing a certain amount of weight. You scratch and fight every day of your life to get it and to keep it. Drop it and you get fat. Maybe fatter.

I've been struggling with my weight for 40 years. I've been at or near my ideal weight a couple of times. Each time there I figured I had it cinched, I was cured.

I was not cured.

I went back (slowly) to baseline and gained a pound or two a month, more or less. Not enough to alarm me at first, but in the time it takes to fall in love, get married and have two children you could put back a hundred pounds.

So give up the Herculean effort to lose weight quickly and learn to love a lifestyle that will gift you the healthy weight you want. Have that be your refuge against the tough times to come, because they will come aplenty, don't let food or inactivity be your refuge, your enjoyment, or you will become very fat.

Peace to you.

David C
 
Thanks for everything David.

You are right about the intensity. I needed to slow down to get myself to a level that I can maintain. Rest assured that I am doing nothing that I can't maintain once I hit my goal.

You are right about still feeling like a fat person, but that way of thinking isn't something that I just can't overcome immediately. I am sure that I will feel that way for awhile. It seems that was my identity for so long, that I feel connected to that in some kind of psychotic way.

I must say that what I meant by that enjoying life again for awhile was that I needed to allow other things into my circle or my tree again to allow me to chill out. I found myself being obsessed on this one goal in my life, and not taking time out to look around and notice that there were many things that I was ignoring and my only focus was weight loss and becoming healthy. It seems that the hole I lost with comfort from food was just being filled with a new obsession with becoming healthy. I knew that I could not maintain that level of intensity with this and make this a lifelong change in the way I look at things.

I don't believe that once I hit my goal that all will be well, and I can hit the ice cream and nutty bars again. I know that this is a change of life and not a diet. After my brush with death and the slow realization that came upon me, that this time isn't a temporary thing. I just can't live that way again. I looked death in the eye, and I didn't like it. The thought of my Wife and Daughter living without me was too much to handle.



Steve...What's up man?

Good to hear from you. I know I have been gone awhile but I am back now, and ready to continue my journal. I have been in a battle with my demons and I think I beat the hell out of them for a little while anyway, and found some other interesting things happening in my life. For the first time, I am being more Dan than I have ever been. I have been hiding soooo long, that I didn't even recognize what was happening.

Your cousin Trevor is one good looking guy if he looks like me!!! :confused:


Update time...

I found myself at the point that I needed a break from everything except the new lifestyle. I have continued to eat healthy and stay very active. Two people have told me in the last 2 days that I look "lighter on my feet". That was probably the best compliment I have heard since I made this change. I have finally found a little bit of confidence. Not that I am strutting around and feeling better than everyone, its just that I have been more of my true self. I am not feeling that I need to hide all of the time anymore. I am shedding my skin.

I have sooo long to go before I hit my goal, but I feel so much better now. My knees are not hurting like they used to, and I can notice the changes.

My belt is now officially too big for me. I had to cut a new hole in it.

I bought my first St. Louis Cardinals Jersey. It is a size 2X...and it fits!

I popped in the old Aenima CD by Tool as I was driving around the other day, and I had to share this with you. The song Forty Six & 2 came on, and these lyrics really spoke to me. I have to share them.


My shadow's Shedding skin and I've been picking scabs again.
I'm down digging through my old muscles for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions
for a peace to cross me over or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in my shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin.
I've been picking my scabs again.


I've been crawling on my belly clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic, insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me, feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and cleansing I've endured in my shadow.

Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.


I choose to live and to grow, take and give and to move, learn and love and to cry, kill and die and to be, paranoid and to lie, hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to lie, kill and give and to die, learn and love and to do
what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing, stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way by stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.


Oh yeah...I forgot.

I lost 4 more pounds!

Peace to you all.

D
 
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51lbs!!! Woot Woot!! Nice Job Dan!!

That is really something to be proud of! Demons or not, you seem to be powering through.

Love your new avi--you're looking great--very handsome!:)
 
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