Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
alligatorob
Respected Member
I thought Emily made some good points.
You are at a very exciting, but challenging, cross roads in life. You are a smart lady giving this plenty of thought and planning. I am confident that you will do the right thing.
As Yogi Berra said "When you come to a fork in the road, take it".
This is an important decision for K, but for her its only a few years of college. For you it sounds like a more permanent decision. You have to consider how happy you will be with a place after K finishes school and joins the Foreign Legion or whatever she ultimately does. She has more years and options than you do.
No doubt about that.
And with that I won't do any more of it, not in the post anyway.
You are at a very exciting, but challenging, cross roads in life. You are a smart lady giving this plenty of thought and planning. I am confident that you will do the right thing.
As Yogi Berra said "When you come to a fork in the road, take it".
Thanks Liza! Yes, I am starting to look at lesser known places and find nice state colleges and some even let you combine majors so K could study everything she is interested in. I think I finished looking in all the obvious places and am finding a lot of interesting alternative options now. And I would definitely be the kayaker in any exercise scenario - I love being out on the water!
Thanks Cate - I think I am doing better searching each state that looks interesting instead of searching the "best of" lists. Things are getting more interesting and hopefully do-able! Thanks for your confidence in me - it helps a lot!
Thanks Em!
I do like your advice, Rob, and Emily's, too. I do really like getting all different perspectives on things. I think that just thinking differently from normal unsticks me from assumptions that I didn't even know I was making. To quote another famous bear, "I always get to where I'm going by walking away from where I've been." - Winnie the Pooh. I feel like I'm at an interesting cross-roads, too. It is starting to feel like it will be an adventure!
We did really good yoga today for hips and lower back. You know when you can finally really stretch an area instead of it just being so stiff that you don't really do much? I think it released a lot of stress for both me and K. J called to talk about colleges for K this morning, and I tested just to make sure he won't help pay for college unless he can have a relationship with K again. Of course he won't. I don't know why I felt I had to make sure about that. I do get some good advice from J who networks with all these really accomplished people in all sorts of fields, and I can ask them questions through him. But I am tired of being pumped for information and constantly noticing him trying to steer our decisions to what he wants. I need to just make J think he is succeeding at influencing us so he leaves us alone, and then we can just go our separate ways peacefully at the end, with any luck. Anyway, things are getting better. Last year K could not read a book without being so distracted that she had to read the same passage over and over. She is getting so she has her concentration back and is happily reading a musician magazine as I type now - we're in a bookstore studying. Nice Sunday where we are feeling more like things will work out like everyone here is saying!!
Cate
Long term member
Interesting sounds so much better to me than the "best of". It always has. I do have lots of confidence in you & I'm sure you'll do what's best for both of you. I don't envy you having to walk on eggshells with J & look forward to the day that you are totally free from him. I'm glad that you do have that to look forward to. I'm a firm believer in looking forward. "The past is a place to learn from, not live in". I like that.
I really like your quote, too! I am starting to feel a separation from the past and from the situation we're in. I don't yet have a plan, but it is feeling much closer. A big thing about being on this forum is how much better I feel about myself as a person. I still recognize all my faults and foibles, but they don't get center stage now. I feel a lot more whole.
I am going to read this to K. I am really proud of her for navigating all this so well, and I feel like we are starting to visibly heal in some big ways. Thanks Llama!
The therapist who is coordinating therapy recommended I get therapy, too, so my stress doesn't rub off on K. I am relieved, as I get so overwhelmed at times I know it affects K a lot. We have a nice outing later today, so I'm going to get started with the morning and check diaries later. Hope everyone is having a good day (or night!).
Oh it's been a while since I've really felt that flexibility, but that really makes me want to practice yoga more!
That sounds so good!
You going to therapy as well sounds like a great idea. Everyone who ends a long-time relationship would probably benefit from it but when things end with this much pain and betrayal and on top of that you still have to deal with the person? You deserve ALL the support.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Good for you! I am sure you have a whole lot more positives than any "faults and foibles". Just reading your forum and the way you are competently facing up to a complex, unexpected, and emotionally very difficult problem its clear to me you have a lot going for you. As Llama says ending any long-term relationship is hard, all things considered I believe you are doing it quite well.
You should be proud of her, but she could not be doing it without your support and guidance.
Cate
Long term member
This is what I love about our forum. We lift one another up
Getting support for yourself sounds like a good idea, M. You definitely deserve it. I hope you have a lovely outing with K xo
Thanks Liza, we notice that when we get one part of the body happy (like hips and lower back) the rest complains that it isn't getting stretched (neck and shoulders!). So we'll do that tonight. It is really good seeing how K might combine her interests in programs that let you design your major or in programs with really interesting minors that cover things K is interested in. Basically she thinks technology and society in general need to be way more human-centered. I was talking with a mom today and we agreed how compassionate this generation of kids is. It really makes me hopeful for the future.
Thanks Llama, that's such a lovely thing to say! I was so happy that I was included in the family treatment plan. I really need to find a way to be calm though all this. All these weird things happened today in-between really nice things, and my emotions ping ponged all over the place. For instance, first I got a text that our house is in foreclosure from someone who knew our name and address, which is most likely phishing, but wow, what timing. I sent the text to my lawyers just in case, which will cost me more money - ugh! Then we went to a wonderful teen writer's group that K is joining. I love the moms and kids, and K loves the teacher. The kids are all a few years younger than her, but she does like them, too. Then on the way home I obsessed in my head about what if J hasn't been paying the mortgage, and about how he expects to reconcile with K through therapy, which drives me nuts to think about. Then J emailed me. I asked him to write me a letter of recommendation and a job description for the patent work I've done for him for 20 years. He wrote me something very detailed and professional and after my corrections is going to look at it again to get it perfect. It's so hard having my mind go back and forth between doom and gloom and nice things. Blah!
Thanks Rob. I feel that my faults are way less than they used to be, and I am way better at life now, too. And also it's just good to be older and more knowledgable about things. Thanks for saying I'm handling things well. It's so much like 3D chess that I am always worried that I gave away too much information or not enough so that J might feel alienated and do something weird to us. I am getting good at saying vague things in a way that sounds friendly and innocent and like I think I'm sharing. I think when this is over I will have very good evasive communication skills! I also think K and I are a good team. She helps me a lot, and I love being a mom and love helping her, too. I'll never understand people who don't like being parents. It's the most amazing thing ever!
Yes, it's wonderful!!This is what I love about our forum. We lift one another up
Getting support for yourself sounds like a good idea, M. You definitely deserve it. I hope you have a lovely outing with K xo
We did have a wonderful outing to the teen writing group. We were talking about bubble gum pop music in the car on the way there, and we played Katy Perry's "Roar" and sang to it jokingly because K liked this song when she was really little, but it did make me tear up none-the-less because it's a smaltz-y break up song. 
I'll never understand people who don't want to play LEGOs and Minecraft all day while watching Star Trek. It's the most amazing thing ever!
We're all different, and that's ok.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Yep, the world would be a pretty boring place if we weren't.
Or maybe not so different - your itinerary sounds really great, too!
Yes, I've been really appreciating the people here now that we're thinking of moving somewhere not so hot and buggy. I'll miss how totally different things are here than anywhere else I've ever been. It's been like living in a foreign country and I've enjoyed that.
I can't wait for my first counseling session. Even though it will be an intake session, I've really missed being in therapy so much.So nice you enjoy being a parent!
It is great that you will also be getting counselling through this process as it does sound like a very difficult time.
Today went really well. I got more energy back and made appointments for the dentist and plumber, fixed some money stuff, did a lot of school, meditated (even though a lot of it was nodding off), and dumped all the plants' water in their saucers (ones that had been outside before this) because mosquitos laid eggs in the saucers and we had an indoor swamp! A cicada got in with the plants, too, and now we have happy cicada sounds coming from different parts of the kitchen and downstairs, but it always goes back into the plants every few days. We are in a giant terrarium now! We just got back from swimming in the ocean which is still very warm, but not disturbingly so like it was. The waves were very strong and very salty. I feel really good finally getting to swim again! Food was pretty good and not a lot of snacking.
Thanks everyone! We actually got a pretty good workout from the waves pushing us down the beach and needing to swim like crazy to try to stay even with our beach blanket. We wound up getting out 3 times and walking a long ways up the beach so we weren't pushed away from where everyone else was wading in the shallows. It was fun and very foamy and nice.
Today I got my teeth cleaned for the first time in about 5 years. I need caps from grinding my teeth in my sleep (which I didn't know I was doing), but otherwise things look pretty good considering how long they've been neglected. We saw the social worker today and she was happy having us talk about our travels. I am coordinating lots of therapy appointment stuff, too, so today was busy but nice - we are getting healthy inside and out!
Today I got my teeth cleaned for the first time in about 5 years. I need caps from grinding my teeth in my sleep (which I didn't know I was doing), but otherwise things look pretty good considering how long they've been neglected. We saw the social worker today and she was happy having us talk about our travels. I am coordinating lots of therapy appointment stuff, too, so today was busy but nice - we are getting healthy inside and out!
Thanks Em and Cate! We got such a good workout from the swim, and it's really strange swimming in warm water in our part of the Atlantic (it's very shallow and sandy forever, so I think the shore water stays warm). It's kind of relaxing once you are used to it though. It does feel really good knowing we are becoming restored.
Just watched one of our favorite movies "Crazy Rich Asians" and we're turning in early because we have some appointments and lots of school tomorrow. It's so nice getting lots done.
Just watched one of our favorite movies "Crazy Rich Asians" and we're turning in early because we have some appointments and lots of school tomorrow. It's so nice getting lots done.