Marsia's Diary

I thought you would like it.
Gardening is so good for us. Over the years that I have been in the forum, I have had so many ups and downs & am also inclined to be very self-critical from time to time. Do what you need & want to do, hon. I get it all out in here & that makes me feel a lot better. We are all very different.
:grouphug:
 
What Cate said. Humans need community and we're so lucky to be living in times and places where we can pick and choose our people instead of being stuck with the five families who happen to live within walking distance.
 
I feel a little self conscious writing, because my mood is just so irrational, but I have just been feeling like I don't do much that I can really talk about with people. I have been mostly just working on the house and yard and getting my mom so she could walk well enough to take on an easy trail on vacation. So I feel rather boring and uninspiring. This usually makes me hide for a while until the mood passes. I know it would be good for me to get out and join some sort of creative group, but I also feel like if I could get my house and yard under control that would take a lot of stress off. So I really want to get things under control before I go do anything that involves a time commitment, yet I am also yearning to connect with people creatively.

We went up the coast exploring again the last couple of days. We found a beach with all these sandstone boulders with swiss cheese holes in them and climbed around them to get to other secluded beaches. There were beaches full of little pebbles which were really comfy to relax on because they absorbed the sun, so I covered my daughter in them and we had fun lazing around after scaling all the huge boulders. The next day we took my mom who is having trouble walking on anything but perfectly flat ground. But we got her to go on a beautiful cliff hike where you have to walk down some rocks that were in steps. With both of us holding her, she felt comfortable enough to do it. We also found a spot where seals were lazing on an island and there is a big bridge leading to an enormous swamp. There were wildflowers out on the trails and the cliffs were gorgeous and the surf wild. It was so windy yesterday on the northern coast, we thought we would blow away, but it was a nice day. We also did the nice Easter egg hunt in the house - I hid things especially well this year, and went to a nice church service with some friends, as my husband and daughter are Christian.
 
Boring & uninspiring? You? No way!
We all have moods. We don't have to be upbeat all the time. It really isn't possible. I think you will really benefit from joining something creative. When we are doing something fulfilling we usually have more energy for the other things that have to be done. I will be doing something new when we get back home from our holiday. I need to do something fulfilling. There will always be housework & gardening. I need something more (something fun) & I think you do too :grouphug:
 
Thanks so much Cate!! That really helps a lot! I really agree about having more energy when we are doing things we love, and I am going to do that, too, when I get back from our vacation. I am so glad you are going to, too!!!

"We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you are willing to be."
I'm watching Brene Brown (shame and vulnerability researcher) on Netflix. She is my hero and a big part of how I partially got over social anxiety to the point where I can do things like have a journal on here and can show up for play dates with other parents (my hardest thing to do while having social anxiety.) Coming from a really poor rural county where our whole grade was constantly told how we were the worst class the teachers had ever seen, how we never would amount to anything, and all that stuff poor kids get told by adults who are frustrated that the kids aren't from their higher social class, I can now look back and see that people who put you down are just insecure and don't understand about lifting other people up and how good that makes you feel. It's funny because I sort of have "made it". I would be considered very well off in my little poor county, and would be treated with deference there. But I still feel like I am that kid who didn't get the scissors that work or the crayons that aren't broken in art class because my parents weren't doctors or lawyers, so I obviously wasn't going to make it out of poverty, so why bother? Why do I still have that as a big part of my identity and still let that still hold me back? I feel very small and vulnerable a lot. I worked with clients on self acceptance when I was a counseling intern, and they got better. I raised a confident kid. So why don't I figure out how to stop identifying as that kid?

I am going to just go into observer mode when I am feeling self critical and remind myself that this is just a passing mood. I realize that even if the critical voice is right, why punish myself for being imperfect? I can just figure out who I want to be now and try that.

I don't have a lot of time before we head of for our trip, so I really need to make each day count and get a lot done. There is so much to do around here - it sort of makes my head spin. But one thing at a time!
 
I love your last post. That child is still in there, but you have refused to stay down.
Marsia said:
I am going to just go into observer mode when I am feeling self critical and remind myself that this is just a passing mood. I realize that even if the critical voice is right, why punish myself for being imperfect? I can just figure out who I want to be now and try that.
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This makes me very happy :grouphug:
 
Marsia said:
our whole grade was constantly told how we were the worst class the teachers had ever seen, how we never would amount to anything
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That's so recognizable - except it was our entire school, not just my class. Be kind to that poor frightened kid inside when it rears its head. It's had more than enough discipline already, confidence is built on love and understanding.
 
Thanks so much, LaMa! I'm so sorry you went through something like that, too. I really don't understand how people who work with children could not see how they need guidance, not punishment. I agree about that part needing love and understanding. I really need to work on that!
 
I got up shortly after going to bed because I forgot to put a load of wash in the dryer, which is at the top of the hill in the garage. The washer wasn't draining right, so while waiting for it to drain, I went out and weeded with the flashlight. That was so nice! I really love being out at night when there is no one else around! I think I might go for some night walks soon! I also have been picking up the drumsticks and doing a little drumming lately, and am getting a better feel for making up my own drum rhythms. I have a DVD on learning to drum and want to finally open that today.

I need to start cooking. J is weight lifting a lot and has been clearing out all the protein from the fridge, and it is about empty of food that is already cooked, so need to have a big cooking day and run out to the garden and do a little, too. I'm feeling happy after meditating this morning. I always forget how much better that makes me feel - I can focus on what I want to do with my life if I remember to meditate. I am usually so oriented in the past, and meditation really helps me focus on the present and also long term goals.
 
I like the sound of taking up drumming! Isn't it so satisfying when you can empty out the fridge so everything gets used up and nothing goes to waste?
 
Marsia said:
I am going to just go into observer mode when I am feeling self critical and remind myself that this is just a passing mood. I realize that even if the critical voice is right, why punish myself for being imperfect? I can just figure out who I want to be now and try that.
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This is SO powerful Marsia!!
<3
 
Meditating, gardening by torchlight, drumming......It all sounds good, Marsia. I hope you got some sleep in there somewhere!
Marsia said:
I'm feeling happy after meditating this morning. I always forget how much better that makes me feel - I can focus on what I want to do with my life if I remember to meditate.
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I have never been to a meditation class. That may do me lots of good. I like the sound of a whole day thing.
 
Thanks everyone!! I didn't do any of the things I had planned. J wanted to pick up some music equipment in the city, so I drove so he could work in the car, then after we got home and had dinner, we went and got my daughter a fretless guitar we found for very inexpensively. The man who was selling it was so interesting and demonstrated it a long time, and was impressed at how good my daughter plays for a 12 year old. So I wound up driving all day, and so will tackle yesterday's things today. The coastal fog has rolled in so it's cool out now. I think I'll start the day out meditating and just take things one at a time. I am going to get out the drum dvd after meditating so I actually remember to do it. Time to start putting enrichment things first sometimes!

Cate, usually people are surprised at how noisy their thoughts are when they try to meditate at first, so usually don't start out with a whole day class because it might be frustrating listening to a noisy mind all day. I started with an evening class where we meditated for increasingly longer times in the beginning of class, there was a talk, and then we would meditate a little more. I used to get bugged by all the noisy thoughts and try to get rid of them, but I was taught to view them as passing clouds that are fine being there, you just learn to relax and let your attention sink under the passing thoughts to the peacefulness underneath them. There are lots of ways to meditate though, and sometimes people even look at the passing thoughts from a detached distance in order to get some perspective on their thought processes. It just depends on what you want to achieve in meditation.

It is good to eat all the food in the fridge up, I just don't feel like cooking lately, so wish J was a little less hungry lately! I think I'll make big batches of simple things today like salmon salad and egg bites.
 
I'll take that advice onboard & start off slowly. I have given up before just trying on my own or with a CD as my mind just wouldn't settle down. I want to get into the habit of meditating while my mind is reasonably clear, rather than when I am stressed.
Driving all day is very tiring. I have always done all of the driving, but I have started getting G to drive there & I drive home. It helps. I love that you are a musical/artistic family :)
 
I like guided meditations that don't have you focus on your body/breathing/thoughts but take you on a trip you have to imagine instead. For me they're much easier.
 
I'ts really good to learn to meditate when you are in a good frame of mind to practice for when you are worried and your mind won't settle down. I almost always do either a guided meditation or start with a focusing exercise like breathing from my belly and feeling my whole body relax or focusing on what I am grateful for and relaxing as I appreciate things, feeling a sun in my heart area contract on the in-breath and expand on the exhale, things like that. The basic idea is to aim for a state of alert relaxation which is a restorative state. You are observing what is going on with your mind and body, but you are a little removed so you can just observe from a relaxed place where you aren't trying to achieve anything or change anything, but just observe and savor the relaxation if it comes. And whatever happens is what is supposed to happen, so there is no doing meditation wrong. I can have a stormy meditation session where all I did was observe angry or frustrated thoughts, and it will still help me a lot throughout the day that I did that. So it's just about showing up for yourself in as relaxed and present way as you can do without stressing yourself out. I often have to keep going back to my focusing exercise because otherwise I get lost in good ideas that pop up, and I forget I'm meditating or I believe the story the thoughts are weaving for me. Or I get too relaxed and fall asleep a lot, too, so have to softly open my eyes a little.

I ended up making egg bites and a nice big batch of cilantro dressing and will go bake something this morning for everyone for breakfast. I gained a little weight, so have to be careful with the fake sugar - I am pretty sure that is what is doing it, but it is allergy season after a very rainy spring, so everyone is having gigantic allergy sneezes where ever you go now. Having allergies makes me crave sugar. Another instance of the body craving something that is bad for it when it is imbalanced - I am obsessed with figuring out why this happens!!! Doing the fake sugar in moderation is hard, but I am determined to learn to do this!

The drumming yesterday was really nice, and I plan to keep this up. I am feeling rather productive and want to really get a lot done before vacation and then summer break. I agree driving is very tiring, and I think I will split the driving next time. I want to keep doing things that keep my energy up so I can accomplish a lot!
 
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