Marsia's Diary

It sounds like giving yourself a good rest would be an excellent idea. I also think that all of your housework with the flooded basement is doing exercise- hard exercise. Take a break, Marsia & give yourself some TLC xoxo
 
Thanks Cate! I am doing the cleaning up after the flood very slowly. So it's hard, but I just don't have my usual energy to tackle it, and am just accepting that and going at my own pace. I do feel like I am on a tread mill where I don't have the kind of time for myself I would like. I think I need a week off to do art and dream soon. I think I'll plan that out soon!
 
Marsia said:
One of the things I have been thinking about is that I try too hard and wear myself out. I try too hard with conversations and exhaust myself and with housework and many things. I am starting to relax and think about things more before I dive in. I haven't been exercising except for all the housework and moving boxes of books up and down stairs.
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What Cate said. Rest up and be nice to yourself. The whole situation with your mother alone would exhaust anyone.
 
Yes sounds to me like you are getting lots of exercise in Marsia . Don’t get overwhelmed Doing things that can wait a while .
 
My mom is having vertigo. The doctor thinks it's from not enough oxygen and blood getting to the brain, so the brain is asking the heart to pump harder and so she has very high blood pressure but not enough oxygen in the brain and it's making her dizzy. So I really wanted to go to open mike night and watch my kid perform and the other people, too, who I even love being in the audience with, but I stayed home and made ginger tea to get my mom not so dizzy and nauseous and I baked her keto muffins so she could eat something that is calming to her stomach. We have appointments with the cardiologist who will do tests over the next few weeks and we'll see if the primary doctor is right. I hope so, because there is a simple corrective operation for that. I keep finding health hazards when I go up to her house. Just scrubbed orange and black mold out of a few places and got rid of rotting veggies with black mold on them in her kitchen. I really hope the doctor can reverse some of the brain fog and memory loss stuff with an operation, or I am going to have to be completely in charge of her meals and the basic house keeping, and will have to hire people to help. I am angry that she let herself go to this degree, but expressing that anger to her is not helpful, so I need to just process this on my own.

I am working on letting go and relaxing. Laid in bed this morning and felt my whole body and just relaxed. My hand muscles twitched letting go of tension, and my jaw a little, too. It felt really good. I also want to stop thinking about things in a scarcity way, like, "if I go to the 90 minute yoga class, that takes up too much of the day and I have a pile of work to get to also." I don't want to pit things against each other, like making myself do housework before I take care of me for fear of not getting my housework done (which I am not fond of doing so I try to do it first). So I am going to walk around thinking about how to harmonize things more. Also I am going to be happy that I am a home maker. I feel a little ashamed that I never got a real career or anything, but I can be happy as a house wife, and I am a good cook and gardener and should just back myself up about these things and not hastle myself that I never "made it" out in the big wide world. I am super lucky that I can just work for my hubby from home, and I need to just relax about this, too. I feel like I am finding my authentic self in all of this somehow, and leaving behind a lot of shoulds and ought to's.

I am reading a book about one of the Northwest (US) Mystic Painters and it is making me so filled with inspiration. When we went up to Washington state, the little town where that art movement was spawned just called to me as Home. I need to go back there on a sketching holiday. It's near the Canada border, so maybe I can make a British Columbia vacation and fit in my little art town in the beginning or end.
 
Don't feel bad for being a homemaker! You would be a worthy individual even if you didn't contribute anything tangible to society but as it happens you do - and I'm sure you've always done - a lot of hard work. Apart from which for any two people living off one salary instead of two there's one more free job out there for someone who might not otherwise be able to put food on the table. We don't have to be all the same or have the same goals.
 
Thanks LaMa! It's partly that I have all this education that I don't use except for the part time patent stuff I do, but I am probably in good company - I bet there are a lot of overeducated housewives in the world! And I am making peace with my happy little goals that don't save the world or anything. I went to colleges where fame and world saving were sort of implied. So it's hard for me to realize I am not going to do anything remotely like that, and it's fine!
 
Plenty of non-housewives don't use their degrees as intended as well. And the world needs many more good cooks than it does politicians and famous people.
 
I love what you wrote, and funny you should say that. When I was cooking for the actor who taught at our house ( I was making mozerrela-topped pesto burgers on steamed portabella mushrooms because we don't eat bread now), the improv troupe all talked about how they want a wife, too, and I chimed in that I could use another one of me, too, and maybe a couple more of my husband, as well!

I got myself a Monty Don gardening book for my birthday, and one of the first things in the book he writes is, "One day in early spring I was preparing the ground for sowing carrots when I was filled with an ecstatic sense of being exactly where I wanted to be, desiring nothing but this completely fulfilled moment." When I found this property, that is just what I felt. So I am really a mountain-house wife - married to the mountain, too!
 
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Marsia I don’t use all my qualifications and i do a dead end job parttime so I can help my daughter who has academic problems through school. I don’t feel bad about it at all .
You are doing super . I hope your mum gets all the help she needs and makes a recovery soon . Hugs xo
 
Thanks Petal! I think I still have one foot in my old paradigm of striving to be something I really am not, when I really know that everyone has their own unique path, and that's way more interesting and meaningful!
 
Took my mom to a cardiologist for tests today and we go again in a week for some more (she has a heart murmur and may have a blockage of oxygen to the brain that they are going to test for next time). She has vertigo now, so I am making her food so she can recuperate in bed, which I think is good because her diet is usually not so good. She's been grouchy, but I am ignoring that and being happy just because!

I am unpacking our knick nacks that I haven't unpacked for years with all our house construction and it's fun seeing all sorts of happy surprises. Just unpacked photos from when J and I just started dating, and he was so adorable and young!! I'm also getting rid of things, which feels really good.

Have been taking it easy and just doing around 18,000 steps a day unpacking stuff and then doing around 20 minutes of weights and stretching. It feels good and I am sure is the reason I am feeling happy. :) I like working out with J - it makes us bond, which I've really missed!
 
Lessee: 1) feeling happy just because, 2) pleasant surprises, 3) getting rid of old stuff, 4) regular exercise, and 5) bonding with your husband? Sounds pretty much perfect. Hope your mom feels better though :grouphug:
 
Marsia again hope all goes ok with your mum . 180000 steps a day is phenomenal without doing a cardio workout . I did 16000 yesterday which involved 90 mins very fast walking and vacuuming house . I'm lucky to hit 10000 most days but then I have an office job . Keep it up
 
Thanks Petal and LaMa! I've been allergic to the mustiness of the boxes I am unpacking from the basement and from the dust in my mom's house (which I still haven't tackled much of yet) but also am doing well despite this. It's really nice to be in a good mood even with feeling a little off physically. It's nice to realize I can choose happiness even when not feeling quite myself. I just found a wonderful little bronze sculpture from my first serious boyfriend - he's a sculptor. Nice treasures are bringing back so many happy memories. I'm also writing a song for my kid - called "The Tail Wags the Dog" about how the littlest things can make you filled with glee. I think this is impacting my mood the most.

It's nice that I can both clean and exercise all at the same time - makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. I do think the Marie Kondo series on Netflix really inspired me and when I clean I do feel grateful for the house and the things in it now. I went and saw her at a book talk and she is so genuinely happy and it's pretty contagious being in the same room with her! Also I think I am really getting a handle on accepting myself as I am - finally - only took me 50+ years!
 
I love that you are changing how you look at things. Concentrating on what you are feeling can make a lot of difference I think. Feeling gratitude for what you have, bonding with J again & even looking back at photos of the two of you when you were younger & in a different stage of your lives can help reinforce the love you have for one another. I have a lovely photo of the two of us from way back as my screen saver. It makes me smile every time I see it. Acceptance of yourself is a wonderful thing. It took me that long too. I look at that photo & think how lovely I looked but also think how sad that I had no idea xoxo
 
Hi Cate, thanks!! I love that your screensaver of you and G makes you so happy! I have trouble looking back at how much I had to change in myself to be a kind, supportive person, but I can see my good qualities, too, so looking at old photos of myself is sort of mixed. I've definitely come a long way and feel a sense of accomplishment at this point. I just found a box of art journals from my 20s and wow, I am interested in many of the same things as I was back then, and feel like I can pick up my art where I left off, and like I am a lot more aware and have a lot more depth of understanding of things then back then, so it's like I spiraled back around to meet my old self again! Self acceptance is such a huge relief!!
 
Marsia said:
I am interested in many of the same things as I was back then, and feel like I can pick up my art where I left off, and like I am a lot more aware and have a lot more depth of understanding of things then back then, so it's like I spiraled back around to meet my old self again!
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That´s actually quite a popular learning system: you circle round past the same general topics but every circuit moves you up a level, as if you´re traveling up along a metal spring.
 
Self acceptance is liberating Marsia .
 
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