I don´t know what your friend meant, of course, but I do know that some people (ahem: *me*) gained the weight they did for a reason other than that the food tasted good. It may not sound logical but being overweight can have psychological benefits. It can give you an excuse not to do or be what other people (or even you) expect you to be. In the case of abuse or rape survivors you may feel safer when you feel unattractive. If you have unconscious benefits of being heavy losing weight can make you very anxious and you may need to confront thoughts and feelings you thought you were long done with.
Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
O, and for people who comfort eat, of course, losing weight usually means not being able to numb their real feelings so they suddenly have to confront stuff they used to avoid. That's why people who have weightloss surgery have an increased risk of substance abuse: someone ripped away the only way you knew how to self-soothe and having a stiff drink is much less scary than going to therapy, talking about wounds old and new and learning to actually deal with them.
Hi LaMa! I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable at lower weights. I used to get cat called occasionally, and I would binge eat afterwards, because it felt so invasive to be treated like an object. Now I don't have to worry, being in my 50s and starting to get wrinkles and all. Plus I realize that if someone is like that, they are trying to make up for feeling bad about themselves by making other people uncomfortable. Do you feel ok losing weight now? I hope you don't think of all men as only wanting a woman for her looks. I do think there are a lot of jerks out there like that, but there are a lot of good guys, too.
I did comfort eat a lot, and it was because I am a anxious person in general. The meditation is helping a lot, and so is exercise, but mostly getting off sugar and heavy carbs really helped that, because I feel so much clearer headed now and can see if I am emotional and sit down and deal with it better now. Being in a food induced fog really messed up my ability to reason well. So maybe I am just processing all the anxiety that I used to eat away. That makes sense!
I did comfort eat a lot, and it was because I am a anxious person in general. The meditation is helping a lot, and so is exercise, but mostly getting off sugar and heavy carbs really helped that, because I feel so much clearer headed now and can see if I am emotional and sit down and deal with it better now. Being in a food induced fog really messed up my ability to reason well. So maybe I am just processing all the anxiety that I used to eat away. That makes sense!
Cate
Long term member
"losing weight can make you very anxious and you may need to confront thoughts and feelings you thought you were long done with. " LaMa hit the nail on the head with this one. I had therapy after losing 36 kg & it helped me deal with those thoughts & feelings.
I'm anxious too (more so these days) & may get some help soon if I can't learn to relax.
xoxo
I'm anxious too (more so these days) & may get some help soon if I can't learn to relax.
xoxo
Petal001
New member
I know I overeat for many many reasons and it started as a child and continued long into adulthood. Childhood while on the surface looked good I spent lots of time trying to be a peacemaker at home , hated confrontation, tried to stop others confrontation . Also as I was the bigger build child in the family I got picked on although not to be unkind but it all stuck but my bad eating started when I was perhsps 13 . Then whenever things went bad over the last 30 years food would be my comfort .
Marsia I don't feel bad about not losing weight but there are I suppose some thoughts there why is everyone else so disciplined and I can't seem to get on with it . But I know I have had a really tough few months and I know that the fact I still come here and I am still trying and I'm not burying my head in tubs of peanut butter Ben and jerrys is a massive achievement for me . I will get it off in time .
These forums are a great support and source of info and inspiration x
Marsia I don't feel bad about not losing weight but there are I suppose some thoughts there why is everyone else so disciplined and I can't seem to get on with it . But I know I have had a really tough few months and I know that the fact I still come here and I am still trying and I'm not burying my head in tubs of peanut butter Ben and jerrys is a massive achievement for me . I will get it off in time .
These forums are a great support and source of info and inspiration x
I know I've said this before, but kicking the sugar habit is one of the hardest things ever, and I think you are doing amazing at it. That requires a lot of discipline, self care, and for me anyway, was a lot of failed attempts. But I considered that part of the process of getting off something so addictive:
"Eric Stice, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at the Oregon Research Institute who has used fMRI scans to conclude that sugar activates the same brain regions that are activated when a person consumes drugs like cocaine. In addition, he found that heavy users of sugar develop tolerance (needing more and more to feel the same effect), which is a symptom of substance dependence. Nora Volkow, M.D., a psychiatrist at the National Institute on Drug Abuse, has done similar research using brain imaging techniques to show similarities between the brains of people who are obese and people who abuse drugs and alcohol (Sugar Addiction)."
When I was getting off of sugar, I didn't worry about what I weighed as much, I just concentrated on getting rid of the sugar addiction first, because that was hard enough by itself. As we have all said, it isn't just the physiological addiction, it is also emotional, so we have to find healthy ways of helping ourselves emotionally instead of turning to sugar for the comfort. And then there is the pull to eat things that are "off limits" and say screw it, I am going to indulge. The article I quoted said that if you do indulge, eat whatever you are indulging in mindfully and you will see that it doesn't really satisfy you like all your images of anticipating eating it say it will. So I think you are doing amazing. If we are comparing, it took me years to get off sugar, I just wasn't on this forum all those years, so you don't see all my struggle with it!
I think I see what LaMa is saying. Please correct me if I get this wrong. I do feel like the extra fat is like a suit you can wear that magically protects you emotionally somewhat, like being wrapped in comfy blankets and focusing on that more than on the stressful thing you don't want to face - kind of like hiding out in a blanket fort and not acknowledging the outside world - you numb out somewhat. So maybe when you lose the weight, you feel like you lost the comfort of all the blankets, and you need to have a new way to face the things that scare you and also to process them healthily. Is that what you guys mean?"losing weight can make you very anxious and you may need to confront thoughts and feelings you thought you were long done with. " LaMa hit the nail on the head with this one. I had therapy after losing 36 kg & it helped me deal with those thoughts & feelings.
I'm anxious too (more so these days) & may get some help soon if I can't learn to relax.
If so, I do think meditation and walking are helping on those fronts. Yesterday and today the anxiety is gone and I am just getting over the flu now. I also think I need to go back to free writing and writing in a journal. Those things really help me a lot.
I actually had a very strange experience of not getting as stressed as normal because my daughter was having stomach pains, and I let J take her to the emergency room without me because I still have the flu and I thought the pain wasn't to the degree where it was likely to be appendicitis, and some of the symptoms didn't match and looked like the pains she gets from gluten intolerance. It turns out that she did need to get her appendix out, and they just got home at 4 am this morning. I felt guilty for not going with them and also worried for a while about what if she dies in surgery, but after indulging in all that once or twice, I got myself to just relax and to acknowledge that J took care of things and that it was ok that I stayed home. They were fine and didn't need me, and I took care of myself and didn't drag myself to the hospital with them when one parent (who tends to stay calm, unlike me) handled things. If I had known it was appendicitis I definitely would have gone of course, so I made a decision that turned out to be wrong, but it was ok in the end. And I am not beating myself up for it, which for me is very good.
Cate
Long term member
If you had gone to the hospital with the flu, then you may have spread it to people who are vulnerable, so it was a wise decision. It was not a wrong decision at all. If you had gone & J had stayed at home with the flu, would you have thought badly of him?
I really must try to get into meditation. I have been doing some relaxation exercises & they have been helping.
Glad you are starting to get over the flu, Marsia, xoxo
I really must try to get into meditation. I have been doing some relaxation exercises & they have been helping.
Glad you are starting to get over the flu, Marsia, xoxo
Thanks for the reality check, Cate!
I really recommend meditation for relaxation with the caveat that if you try one way and it doesn't work, there are so many different ways to meditate including walking meditation, paying attention to the breath, visualization, etc. I learned to meditate by picturing a small glowing sun in my heart area, but in the middle of my chest, not off to the side where the actual heart is. When I breathed out, the sun and it's warmth and peacefulness expanded out into the world, and when I breathed in, the warmth and peacefulness coalesced in my heart area. I still use this technique to center, and like it a lot.
I really recommend meditation for relaxation with the caveat that if you try one way and it doesn't work, there are so many different ways to meditate including walking meditation, paying attention to the breath, visualization, etc. I learned to meditate by picturing a small glowing sun in my heart area, but in the middle of my chest, not off to the side where the actual heart is. When I breathed out, the sun and it's warmth and peacefulness expanded out into the world, and when I breathed in, the warmth and peacefulness coalesced in my heart area. I still use this technique to center, and like it a lot.
I was thinking about my mom and how she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants, but gets mad if you don't give it to her (read her mind or act and think like her.) I realized I should look up "psychological flexibility", and this is what I got:
"...holding our own thoughts and emotions a bit more lightly, and acting on longer term values rather than short term impulses, thoughts and feelings... Because thoughts and emotions tend to be unreliable indicators of long term value. We have little control over them and they tend to ebb and flow – sometimes dramatically. If we trust our thoughts and emotions and act based on them, we can often overlook the more important, sustained patterns of action which bring true meaning, vitality and richness to our lives."
In Buddhism, they call that equanimity (which, now that I think about it, is really the opposite of instant reacting), and I think that is what I need to develop more of around stressful things!
I also learned a new psych word "alexithymia" - inability to label emotions in oneself and therefore making it harder to empathize with others. I think this is why I have so much trouble relating with my mom. She doesn't recognize many emotions in herself or empathize with mine at all sometimes. I think this will help a lot to keep in mind.
"...holding our own thoughts and emotions a bit more lightly, and acting on longer term values rather than short term impulses, thoughts and feelings... Because thoughts and emotions tend to be unreliable indicators of long term value. We have little control over them and they tend to ebb and flow – sometimes dramatically. If we trust our thoughts and emotions and act based on them, we can often overlook the more important, sustained patterns of action which bring true meaning, vitality and richness to our lives."
In Buddhism, they call that equanimity (which, now that I think about it, is really the opposite of instant reacting), and I think that is what I need to develop more of around stressful things!
I also learned a new psych word "alexithymia" - inability to label emotions in oneself and therefore making it harder to empathize with others. I think this is why I have so much trouble relating with my mom. She doesn't recognize many emotions in herself or empathize with mine at all sometimes. I think this will help a lot to keep in mind.
Thanks Cate and LaMa! When I looked up "psychological flexibility" I found that it was a term used in acceptance and commitment therapy, which combines Buddhist philosophy and Western cognitive psychotherapy. I've used it a lot for getting over some of my social anxiety because it stresses self compassion.
Also, LaMa when I first started therapy in my 20s, I was part of a women's group where we all came from difficult families, and the facilitators said that most people coming from families where there is physical or psychological abuse don't know how to describe their feelings, that they were never taught because our parents generally didn't know how to describe their feelings. They had a big stack of cards with all different emotions on them and a stack to show how much of which emotion we were feeling. We all had to struggle to show what we were feeling at first, and it really made a difference in helping ourselves to know what it was that we were feeling so we could address it well.
I was running on adrenaline feelings for the last week, but have calmed down and am in that state where you are conked out somewhat from a cold and can sit and just appreciate the blanket you are wrapped up in, like how cats can just sit and be so happy sitting and enjoying the ambiance. I do think that some of it is what you guys are describing as dealing with old emotions that resurface once I am not trying to stuff them down, which I guess you would call "the shadow". It's mostly waves and waves of flight feelings. I guess it makes sense that someone turning to food for comfort would be trying to flee the stress of civilization in general!
Also, LaMa when I first started therapy in my 20s, I was part of a women's group where we all came from difficult families, and the facilitators said that most people coming from families where there is physical or psychological abuse don't know how to describe their feelings, that they were never taught because our parents generally didn't know how to describe their feelings. They had a big stack of cards with all different emotions on them and a stack to show how much of which emotion we were feeling. We all had to struggle to show what we were feeling at first, and it really made a difference in helping ourselves to know what it was that we were feeling so we could address it well.
I was running on adrenaline feelings for the last week, but have calmed down and am in that state where you are conked out somewhat from a cold and can sit and just appreciate the blanket you are wrapped up in, like how cats can just sit and be so happy sitting and enjoying the ambiance. I do think that some of it is what you guys are describing as dealing with old emotions that resurface once I am not trying to stuff them down, which I guess you would call "the shadow". It's mostly waves and waves of flight feelings. I guess it makes sense that someone turning to food for comfort would be trying to flee the stress of civilization in general!
Thankfully my family was safe and loving but my parents do have more or less problematic backgrounds themselves and I spent too much time in bad relationships as a young adult.
Petal001
New member
Marsia firstly I'm so sorry your little one had her appendix out . Sending her my very best wishes and hoping she is enjoying all the spoiling . And hugs and best wishes to her mum too
I think all the talking on here and helping us is probably too helping with your anxiety and you dealt well with her being in hospital.
Thanks for all your kind words regarding the sugar and the addictions. I think I am doing pretty ok with it now . My diet has improved so much but I am having my fruit each day and yoghurt . Have cut back on carbs really well . I'm exercising some days so yes agreed it takes time and years of struggles .
Thank you so much for your support and I hope I can be as supportive to you
I think all the talking on here and helping us is probably too helping with your anxiety and you dealt well with her being in hospital.
Thanks for all your kind words regarding the sugar and the addictions. I think I am doing pretty ok with it now . My diet has improved so much but I am having my fruit each day and yoghurt . Have cut back on carbs really well . I'm exercising some days so yes agreed it takes time and years of struggles .
Thank you so much for your support and I hope I can be as supportive to you
You definitely are very supportive, and it helps a lot!!! Thanks for the hugs!
My daughter is a lot better and can walk upright now, but her back gets tired of compensating for not being able to use her stomach muscles yet because it hurts the stitched up places. But she is much better and happy now. One thing that is hard is that she loves to laugh, and it hurts to laugh!
I agree that writing so much about anxiety here has helped to calm mine a lot. I was very surprised that I mostly just trusted that J would take care of things and didn't freak out!
Glad you are doing so well with your food choices!!! And I agree with what you said earlier, if we don't have the strength in the moment to do this for ourselves, we can do it for our kids, so they have healthy parents who are self-sufficient in old age. I am so alarmed looking at all these videos on how life expectancies are going down from bad diet, and I hope there is a revolution soon in health and wellness. J is part of a start-up that has a product that helps people recovering from specific surgeries, and I think Silicon Valley will find ways of working around the profit-seeking drug and insurance industries and help people to take back their health soon!
My daughter is a lot better and can walk upright now, but her back gets tired of compensating for not being able to use her stomach muscles yet because it hurts the stitched up places. But she is much better and happy now. One thing that is hard is that she loves to laugh, and it hurts to laugh!
I agree that writing so much about anxiety here has helped to calm mine a lot. I was very surprised that I mostly just trusted that J would take care of things and didn't freak out!
Glad you are doing so well with your food choices!!! And I agree with what you said earlier, if we don't have the strength in the moment to do this for ourselves, we can do it for our kids, so they have healthy parents who are self-sufficient in old age. I am so alarmed looking at all these videos on how life expectancies are going down from bad diet, and I hope there is a revolution soon in health and wellness. J is part of a start-up that has a product that helps people recovering from specific surgeries, and I think Silicon Valley will find ways of working around the profit-seeking drug and insurance industries and help people to take back their health soon!
Glad to hear your daughter is recovering well!
I don't mean to be a downer but Silicon Valley is the last place on earth where anything remotely anti-capitalist will start. If anything is going to change it'll either be a mass consumer movement or regulation by the government and right now neither looks likely for the US.
I don't mean to be a downer but Silicon Valley is the last place on earth where anything remotely anti-capitalist will start. If anything is going to change it'll either be a mass consumer movement or regulation by the government and right now neither looks likely for the US.
Thanks LaMa!
Silicon Valley is a weird mix. There are a lot of purely capitalist companies out here, or companies that are so large that they have little hope of escaping their own bureaucracy (ex. "don't be evil" Google). But there is a growing trend to bring in speakers and trainers from the human potential movement (which was in part spawned in Northern California) and to pay close attention to how their products are being used - to influence things for the common good or to make products in the first place that are in line with compassionate values. Also there is a growing trend to teach employees how to treat each other well and get ego out of the driver seat, partly because in startup-land, it is so highly competitive that if you make decisions from ego, your company implodes rather fast. So there is a trend to mix capitalism and positive psychology and compassionate spiritual and secular philosophies. At the least this is rather fascinating to watch!
Our health care system is hopelessly antiquated, with most hospital's databases not able to communicate with the myriad types of health provider services, insurance, etc. So their industry sorely needs revamping, and the tech industry is just starting to notice and provide solutions. I agree that the tech world isn't going to do much for free (except an occasional fundraiser for a good cause) but there is a trend to pair profit with actual good works in the tech society now. I hope it works!
Silicon Valley is a weird mix. There are a lot of purely capitalist companies out here, or companies that are so large that they have little hope of escaping their own bureaucracy (ex. "don't be evil" Google). But there is a growing trend to bring in speakers and trainers from the human potential movement (which was in part spawned in Northern California) and to pay close attention to how their products are being used - to influence things for the common good or to make products in the first place that are in line with compassionate values. Also there is a growing trend to teach employees how to treat each other well and get ego out of the driver seat, partly because in startup-land, it is so highly competitive that if you make decisions from ego, your company implodes rather fast. So there is a trend to mix capitalism and positive psychology and compassionate spiritual and secular philosophies. At the least this is rather fascinating to watch!
Our health care system is hopelessly antiquated, with most hospital's databases not able to communicate with the myriad types of health provider services, insurance, etc. So their industry sorely needs revamping, and the tech industry is just starting to notice and provide solutions. I agree that the tech world isn't going to do much for free (except an occasional fundraiser for a good cause) but there is a trend to pair profit with actual good works in the tech society now. I hope it works!