Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
Thanks, Petal! Glad you are catching up on sleep! My flu is just a little cold now, so will probably start taking walks soon. I have to wait to do too much outdoors. The air quality is horrible at the moment because we are getting very smokey air from the forest fires. Hope your day goes great!!
We watched a bunch of amazing youtube videos on the microbiome last night together as a family. It is amazing that really we are colonies of beings, not just a single organism. Here are the shortest 2 (both 5 minutes long).
This last one is 17 minutes long, and very fascinating if you get the time
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This last one is 17 minutes long, and very fascinating if you get the time
Cate
Long term member
Oh, Marsia. That is absolutely awesome, hon. Well done, you!!!!
Thanks Petal! It kind of feels like I am changing a lot as far as temperament lately. I think having some success in losing weight finally after quite a few years of struggling with it is definitely helping. I am really starting to concentrate on how I go about making changes in things I want to do more of. I haven't completely figured things out yet, but I think I need to work backward. What worked so far for weight loss is picturing where I want to be and making that a non-negotiable goal that I can either get to slowly or quickly depending on how I feel that day. That helps because it is so much work to lose weight, it is actually easier on myself if I don't cheat as far as diet, though threre are days where I don't fast as long and days I go over my calorie limit.
So I am starting to think about other ways I want to change, and the one that I find myself drawn to most is learning psychological flexibility (which is being able to think of my long term values instead of reacting to things that upset me based on my first emotions that come up.) It feels kind of magic when I can do it. I am getting so that I can let it go when my mom does things that are bad for her health, because I know that she doesn't really want to change. Or if my kid is being moody, I can look at how I want to be there for her instead of getting annoyed and taking things personally. And I am just letting my relationship with my husband be whatever it is instead of trying to fight for more time with him, and that actually gives me more energy to think of nice things we can do that don't take up much time, and he seems more relaxed around me. So I think this idea of putting my values first is really helping. It's sort of revolutionary for me because I felt scared to put myself as a priority for years - this is not rational, but it is how I felt for decades.
So I am starting to think about other ways I want to change, and the one that I find myself drawn to most is learning psychological flexibility (which is being able to think of my long term values instead of reacting to things that upset me based on my first emotions that come up.) It feels kind of magic when I can do it. I am getting so that I can let it go when my mom does things that are bad for her health, because I know that she doesn't really want to change. Or if my kid is being moody, I can look at how I want to be there for her instead of getting annoyed and taking things personally. And I am just letting my relationship with my husband be whatever it is instead of trying to fight for more time with him, and that actually gives me more energy to think of nice things we can do that don't take up much time, and he seems more relaxed around me. So I think this idea of putting my values first is really helping. It's sort of revolutionary for me because I felt scared to put myself as a priority for years - this is not rational, but it is how I felt for decades.
xoxo
Cate
Long term member
Can you recommend anything in particular, Marsia for me to read? I think I will reconsider getting some counselling to help me cope with how I react to R's illness. I need to develop some more inner strength & resilience. I enjoy reading your diary for many reasons, including your personal insights xo
Hi Cate. I went through part of an acceptance and commitment therapy workbook with a Buddhist friend from a social anxiety group. It was great, but very dense, and though we never made it through the whole workbook, the principles have stuck with me, and it did help tremendously in overcoming a lot of my social anxiety. So I won't recommend the workbook, but acceptance and commitment therapy itself is very good. Here is a nice introduction to it ( but beware, the video of Steven Hayes is a little weird), but in general the page has great resources to see if you would like this Acceptance And Commitment Therapy (ACT): The Psychology Of Acting Mindfully . A good intro book on it that I need to finish some day is The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT. I also love all the mindfulness exercises online now, if a full blown psychological system seems a bit much to start with. Or look up self compassion. That helped me immensely, too. Even though these come from Buddhist philosophy, they are all secular practices and all have research backing them up as far as effectiveness. Let me know what you think!
jackbenimble
New member
Hi Marisa,
It seems like you've made some tremendous changes in your life recently - it's rare to pull that off, in my experience. Giving up sugar would be a miracle. Last night I had some cravings and demanded from my wife if she had some snack I could eat. She had a piece of cake left over from her party, and it was delicious. All I really have to do is stop there, just not keep on going, which I did because there wasn't any more cake.
It's interesting how you've stopped fighting for your husband's time and it seems to relax him. I really value my downtime and fortunately, my wife values her free time (for her singing, schoolwork, etc.) very much as well. Although in some ways, we lead separate lives, it mostly works for us nowadays.
I love how you've been able to successfully meditate. I haven't really been able to pull that off. That walking meditation sounds like a fantastic idea.
It seems like you've made some tremendous changes in your life recently - it's rare to pull that off, in my experience. Giving up sugar would be a miracle. Last night I had some cravings and demanded from my wife if she had some snack I could eat. She had a piece of cake left over from her party, and it was delicious. All I really have to do is stop there, just not keep on going, which I did because there wasn't any more cake.
It's interesting how you've stopped fighting for your husband's time and it seems to relax him. I really value my downtime and fortunately, my wife values her free time (for her singing, schoolwork, etc.) very much as well. Although in some ways, we lead separate lives, it mostly works for us nowadays.
I love how you've been able to successfully meditate. I haven't really been able to pull that off. That walking meditation sounds like a fantastic idea.
Hi Jack,
Thanks for the nice compliment! I have to find something to replace the thing I want to change, something I value just as much, or I just have an awful time. So I still do eat sugar occasionally, it's just a zero calorie natural sugar. And I love chocolate, so I do a smoothie or a home made nutella with cacao which has no sugar, ... But before I discovered those things, I ate pistachios that I measured out before hand, because they are an appetite suppressant, and I love them. And I discovered that I really do value my health more than the sugar, so even if I don't substitute ohter foods for sugar, I think about what staying addicted to sugar does healthwise, and how once I am off it a while, it doesn't even taste good anymore.
I think it is the same with my relationships. I wanted people around me to change, but what I really wanted was a feeling of peace and well being, and the only person who can give me that is me really. So I worked on just giving myself what I needed more of. My husband is more like you and your wife where when he relaxes it is doing hobbies outside of the house usually without me, and I am a one on one person who loves hanging out and talking and sharing experiences (which we did a lot more of in the past, but I can no longer get him to do much). So I am doing things for myself instead of waiting for him to do them with me, and although I didn't think this would work for me, it actually does. So I found good substitutes!
My husband doesn't do well with sitting meditation either, but loves running and getting into a meditative state. I have been taking long walks and meditating while doing them, and that makes me so peaceful and happy. Just don't worry if you are doing it right. There are so many ways to meditate and reasons to do it. Just learning to be more mindful of your surroundings or to learn to relax and feel your breath in your body or to feel all the sensations in your body or to drop your attention into your heart area and get out of the head are all so beneficial. Just remember to do things in a relaxed, experimental way and see what happens. And if you have thoughts, that's fine, just keep bringing your attention back to what you are trying and let the thoughts do what they will - they are going to wander like little clouds going across the sky, so just let them do their thing and don't give them your attention. And you don't have to meditate a long time to get the benefits. Meditating twice a day for 5 minutes is way more beneficial than trying for 20 minutes and giving up! If you try it, let me know how it goes!
Thanks for the nice compliment! I have to find something to replace the thing I want to change, something I value just as much, or I just have an awful time. So I still do eat sugar occasionally, it's just a zero calorie natural sugar. And I love chocolate, so I do a smoothie or a home made nutella with cacao which has no sugar, ... But before I discovered those things, I ate pistachios that I measured out before hand, because they are an appetite suppressant, and I love them. And I discovered that I really do value my health more than the sugar, so even if I don't substitute ohter foods for sugar, I think about what staying addicted to sugar does healthwise, and how once I am off it a while, it doesn't even taste good anymore.
I think it is the same with my relationships. I wanted people around me to change, but what I really wanted was a feeling of peace and well being, and the only person who can give me that is me really. So I worked on just giving myself what I needed more of. My husband is more like you and your wife where when he relaxes it is doing hobbies outside of the house usually without me, and I am a one on one person who loves hanging out and talking and sharing experiences (which we did a lot more of in the past, but I can no longer get him to do much). So I am doing things for myself instead of waiting for him to do them with me, and although I didn't think this would work for me, it actually does. So I found good substitutes!
My husband doesn't do well with sitting meditation either, but loves running and getting into a meditative state. I have been taking long walks and meditating while doing them, and that makes me so peaceful and happy. Just don't worry if you are doing it right. There are so many ways to meditate and reasons to do it. Just learning to be more mindful of your surroundings or to learn to relax and feel your breath in your body or to feel all the sensations in your body or to drop your attention into your heart area and get out of the head are all so beneficial. Just remember to do things in a relaxed, experimental way and see what happens. And if you have thoughts, that's fine, just keep bringing your attention back to what you are trying and let the thoughts do what they will - they are going to wander like little clouds going across the sky, so just let them do their thing and don't give them your attention. And you don't have to meditate a long time to get the benefits. Meditating twice a day for 5 minutes is way more beneficial than trying for 20 minutes and giving up! If you try it, let me know how it goes!